well, before i lose my focus and go off on some completely unrelated shit, i may as well get this in, get it down and done. it's been an okay day but i truly don't feel like i have much longer for consciousness today, and that's all right.
i got up obviously, as i journaled early to catch up from yesterday. i got to the gym, did my half-hour on the treadmill and left. i felt bad while i was there, admitting it here and then leaving it alone. a woman that i'd seen perhaps once before came in, and the row of treadmills were full. with the obligatory space between myself and everyone else. now, we do placement on treadmill. it's unofficial, but so is the fact that you shouldn't eat someone's lunch in the work fridge if you didn't bring anything yourself. common sense unofficial, i like the sound of that. anyway, i was there first, got the treadmill closest to the door. when i came in on Tuesday for the treadmill (not my regular day for that spot) there was someone on the one i usually use, and after i fussed internally for being a bit slow that day i got on the one NEXT to it. because, i was out of rotation, okay?
so today, i get there first, get my choice. then comes a regular, on her treadmill day. she takes the other end, always does when it's open. she usually rides the tandem bikes, but this was a treadmill day for her. she seems to be the center of her clique (and on occasion there is nothing wrong with having a 'clique', people you are comfortable with, being in their presence and having their support. it's when it is exclusive and superior that it's just an ego trip with a pretty name), her one friend went to the tandem bike and the third came to the treadmill. another guy, who has used the treadmill next to me before, got on the one ONE TREADMILL AWAY from the one i was on. he had a choice; there are six treadmills in that row, and three of them were taken.
an older gentleman, looks like a judge, always speaks, ALWAYS gets on the FOURTH treadmill. so. one, three, four, five and six were occupied. when this white woman, blond, not too chunky, fitness-fashionable, comes in, gets herself into her gear, she comes up to the SECOND treadmill, next to mine. now, this is all peripheral mind you. i don't stare at people. i believe that anyone, especially women, have a right to work out without being eye-molested by anyone. and in a society where i know of at least one incident in PA where a guy went into a gym and blew away a bunch of women doing aerobics because he was crazy and said no beautiful woman wants him, i like to do my part to insure no craziness will be directed at anyone.
but she comes up on the treadmill, thinks about it for a moment...and leaves for a different part of the gym. perhaps even just leaves.
now.
i could take that a bunch of different ways. i could take it in healthier ways than the one that has been on my mind all day.
but we live in a society now that has the current background buzz of hostility and hate, of danger and distrust and incipient racism. how the fuck else can one justify a center that is there for the benefit of a community that HAPPENS to be Jewish-founded having to be on constant second-level alert since the election of this stupid fuck for president? so we are all a bit more hyper-aware than we were last year. and some of us have lived with that radar pinging non-stop for a lot longer than the past three or four months. so i felt it. too close to the nigger. i'll just go do something else. la la la...
and it made me angry. and i wanted to scream at her that she wasn't going to catch my black by walking next to me. that she wasn't going to end up fatter because of me, or darker, or raped, or pregnant, or mugged. but i didn't. i walked. and i finished, and i left without speaking to anyone. because i was mad and sad. and i own both those emotions. and life goes on, as it does.
i went to Wal-Mart, got some breakfast stuff and came home. put on my mom's coffee. made pancakes and sausage for all of us, and scrambled two eggs for myself. had my breakfast. cleaned the dishes. went on about my business. wrote some poems. i was tired again (and sad and mad) and went to the attic and went to sleep. i got up a few hours later, and i came back down and spoke with my parents. i talked to Lonnie, who was doing some Dad things, and eventually i talked to Rachel as well. she's been very depressed. thinking of leaving the city, leaving the state, hell. i had a ham sandwich on rye and some chips for lunch. i went to get my hair clippers for my brother, who likely won't use them. i got my mail, but nothing from the JCC yet. no replacement card from my bank either. now i am finishing this journal entry. i'm going to watch some television. i'm going to eat something eventually, but don't know what. and i'm going to get myself down for the night. maybe i'll get some work done tomorrow. i can only hope. i am still grateful to Jehovah, because He blesses me, so i don't have to worry about people's actions, only my own.
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