i feel the creativity coming back, and that's a good thing. but life right now all seems to be at a cost, and i'm not sure how much i'm digging dealing with that. but it is what it is, and nothing is going to change that, is it?
i got up this morning, thought about taking a walk and decided against it. no reason, sleeping in seemed a better option. not for long though. said my prayers, sitting on the side of the futon because my legs were cramping a bit. i did my readings, moving slowly. i got my shower stuff gathered and i made my way downstairs. first floor, took my shower, put on water, had my coffee and water, took meds, wrote one poem. started on a second, got a text of 'good morning' from Rachel. texted her back, and she called and i went upstairs as i didn't want to wake anyone. talked to her for awhile, then i was out of my rhythm of writing. had a piece of a poem, but i didn't have a flow to finish it so i disposed of it. better than the one i had finished but overwrote on saving it from yesterday and lost it to the computer vaporland.
after i got off the phone, i came downstairs again and made myself breakfast. ham & egg omelet and oatmeal. i watched some television with my aunt asleep on the couch. i had planned to see my sponsor, so after a point i went back upstairs, got into some clothes and got it in gear to head out. it was after 11, and i made my way to Boardman.
Johnnie seemed in good spirits, though Nancy didn't. i'm pretty sure i'm the reason for that. I should be visiting him more, and i don't. i am not being a good friend, i know. i don't know what the problem is. its hard seeing him sick, but nowhere near as hard as it must be for him to be sick. but i spent time, we talked about a lot of things, and i left after a few hours. i went to taco bell and got some lunch. i came in the house, my brother was leaving, usual activity, i went upstairs after watching the beginning of the Godfather and took a brief nap.
Lonnie called me this evening asking if i wanted to meet for coffee. we met at Dunkin Donuts and sat outside and worked on some questions for the Youngstown Organix branch of the new process for the publishing service. saw an accident in front of Handels. watched and talked and got the notion he was doing as well as could be considering. then i came home again. my mom was watching a movie. i went up just a few ago, finished my grooming by shaving face and head. there is no Hall tomorrow, as the congregation is at an Assembly. don't know if i am going to the meeting or not, haven't decided yet. have beef roasts in the crock pot, cooking overnight for tomorrow's dinner. i want to get some rest. i want to get to work.
talked to Rachel again this evening. she is restless, she sounds irritable. i know the gambling thing is still on her. i'm not trying to get with her very hard, because i don't want residual and manufactured presence. she wants to numb, it seems, to not deal with the shit going on with her. so i'm getting a sort of effervescence from our conversations, but there is little substance. best to just maintain and wait. will she run? will she bulk up and do what must be done?
found out an associate from back in the high school days passed recently, apparently. saw it on a friend's FB page. i'm still never sure of procedure when you get second hand knowledge about the death of someone you really didn't care for or about one way or another. i'm not glad he's dead. just was not one of the people i would have ever had a heart to heart with about anything.
i am restless. one thing Rachel asked that does irritate me is if i'm using my meditation vids to sleep. i am not ungrateful. i don't have to be here, but i am. my dad and mom don't have to let me stay here, but they do. i contribute, but i am 48, be 49 in about three weeks. being in my parent's house at this age is pretty unacceptable for me. but i am getting to look after them. getting to help out. getting to see to their well-being, to an extent. its not my home, though. it's not my bed; its a futon. i don't want to make myself 'at home', i don't want to lull myself with binaural beats and 9 hour relaxation videos. that was for my huge bed in my small bedroom. and she knows what i mean, so she keeps asking. i don't know. i'm restless. i wish i was in my own bed. i don't feel like a failure, i just feel...homeless. can you feel one without feeling the other? maybe i'm just lying to myself. regardless, today is the gift from God i was given, and i am grateful for all that i've gotten done today. i'm not going to piss on a blessing from my Father or my father. not going to happen.
No comments:
Post a Comment