a very hard ride home today. but i made it. it's 'home' that's really the hard part.
i didn't sleep well again. i believe sleep is a luxury i am going to do without for a while. i tried stretching out on as much couch as i could, and i swear i felt things crawling on me. psychosomatic, possible. Keith's dog seemed to be exuberant in its scratching and i'm sure it put the 'flea' idea into my head. so i sat up and extended the footrest and that got me to about 2 in the morning again. my Columbus wake-up time, i'm guessing. i watched a movie, nodded out til about 330 or so, then decided it was time to get this party started quickly, right? (song reference). i said my prayer, put on coffee, got my shoes on and went for a walk. i love walking the neighborhoods early in the morning. especially ones that i used to roam in my much younger days. there is so much character in the decay. the houses, the duplexes and rowhouses, are structured in such an interesting way, as if no two people were allowed to design any matching houses on any block. and in their ruin, they seem as if they are haunted, but by still living souls, rather than by ghosts or poltergeists.
i finished a half-hour walk, had some coffee, checked my sugar (which was on the higher side), took my insulin, including a burst of fast acting, took my pills, made myself some breakfast and gathered up my things. after using the bathroom, i took off for Youngstown.
but i didn't get far.
(note to self; have to mail Keith's keys back to him asap tomorrow)
i got sleepy as soon as i was on the road, on I-71. i mean, serious nodding, and it was dark, and it was rainy, and i realized i had Keith's keys, that he'd left them in my car. so i called him as i pulled into the rest area just outside of Columbus, told him where i was and that i'd be sleeping for a minute, because i could drive no further. i then slept for a good hour. when i woke, i felt rather refreshed, enough to get it started again. i called him back, but he wasn't able to come get the keys. i told him i'd mail them back, hence the note to myself.
i did not rush. i did not fly. i took my time. i stopped for gas. i stopped for bathroom. i did not try to break records getting here. i thought about my trip. i thought about how hard it would be to create a data base for my publishing service. i thought about what i'd need to learn when the time came. i thought about De'ja being so sad, and trying so hard not to show it. i thought about how his mother looked the same way. i thought about Porsha, and how she must think i don't give a damn about her sometimes. i thought about the need of a person for a person, a need created from a need. i thought about Keith and Ronda, so happy together when i first met them. i thought about Syd, getting older, about me getting old. and i thought about what i'd learned.
bookstores don't really exist anymore. neither do 'record' stores, though we still call them that. like the old 'video' stores that now carry only dvd's, bookstores are either the monoliths that are too ponderous to die quickly, or they are the small remora fish, seeking to live off the scraps that the juggernauts drop carelessly in passing. the places i'd tried were all of the same vein. not really dealing with the business, but dealing with being 'characters of interest' in the drama that they'd made their lives into. the girl that i met at Black Art Plus never did plug into my Facebook page, nor did i expect her to. the guy from Ujamaa laid out a money-making scheme to entice new writers to surrender to 'vanity' publishing, as long as it's 'real-world' packaged. i have some alterations in mind, and i'm going to enact them very soon. but that is enough, i made it home, about 930, maybe 10.
i went to the apartment, saw Joe, saw the clutter accumulating and knew that it was no longer really my apartment. it made me sad, but it was also a bit thrilling. i hate the messiness, it is so unnecessary. but i know my moving on has to happen now, there is no choice. i got my money back, went to the bank to make my deposits and went to my parents. i made my mom and omelet, cleaned the dishes, talked with my aunt and my dad and left. i went to get some lunch, a sandwich and salad, and i paid on some of my credit card bills while i ate. that is, after all, the purpose of all this change, to get caught up, or at least on the path of economic security again.
after lunch, i talked to Lonnie and then went to the library. just wanted some time to decompress. one of the things i realized while i was in Columbus is just how bone-jarringly weary i truly am. it goes all the way down to marrow and corpuscles, this tiredness. but there is no time to rest. so after i fucked around a bit, i narrowed my searches to what i needed to make my efforts more productive, and i have a checklist of things i'm going to do. as i was leaving, Rachel called me. her trip has not been all that good, but she continues to seep the positive spin on it. i told her about my journey, and we spoke of other things. i then finished the call and went into Syd's to get a shower, some food and a change of clothes. Joe left, i assume for work, and i got myself together. the shower felt good. i have dirty clothes that i must wash in my trunk. i must also get my trunk reordered. i talked to Syd for a bit, encouraging her to work on cleaning a bit more, then i left after giving her a hug.
i came to my parent's house again, sitting in their driveway, reading a graphic novel i got from the library. i went to the store for my dad. i'd talked to my uncle about possibly crashing out in his driveway, as after seeing a Liberty cop giving a woman a ticket (in aggressive fashion) for parking incorrectly at the Dollar General, it made me think it may be prudent to simply stay out of their way.
currently, i'm on my parent's computer, doing this thing. i am going to the gym in the morning, and i'll start moving it around from there. i have chores to tend to and a name to promote. i don't know what the future holds, but i know who holds the future. thank you, Jehovah.
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