turkey grilling...

i didn't get much sleep last night, but i didn't expect to, so there's that.  i did not sleep very long because i had to get up to start cooking today.  i'd planned on grilling, doing a sunday dinner non-invitational, and i had to beat what was predicted as early rain.  so after getting to sleep well after 11pm, i was up at my usual 430 or so.  makes for a long day.

but i got up.  i said my prayers.  i read my books.  i came downstairs.  i heated mom's coffee, came into the basement and got my own coffee on, because i needed some right then and couldn't wait for the upstairs pot to heat up old coffee.  i checked my sugar, not bad, took meds, and went upstairs.  i broke down the grill and put the gratings in the basin in the basement to soak and i started my broth for my greens.  i won't go heavy into details.  i did collard/kale mix of greens in the crock pot, did dirty rice, which is just rice with some nice earthy additives and some aromatics, and i grilled the turkey that had marinated in buttermilk overnight.  i worked on that from about six to 12, then i went to my meeting.  i'd had breakfast, sausage and eggs, and i'd kept the dishes down by washing as i went.  my mom and dad were both up.  mom listening to her meeting at the Hall on the phone, dad going to sunday school and then to church.

i went to my meeting, got a text from Rachel that she was washing clothes and would get dropped at my parent's house when she was done.  the meeting was small and quick, and i headed home to make corn bread and check on my meal.  i got in and started my corn bread when i saw i had a text from Rachel, now asking if i could pick her up.  i grumbled a bit, as i was just on her side of town, but i put my corn bread together, asked my mom to keep an eye on it, and went to pick Rachel up.

my brother, who'd been by in the morning, had come back by the time we got to the house.  i checked to make sure all dishes were right, then i let them eat.  my brother ate first, then took a plate to go.  i ate next, then my dad.  my mom and Rachel ate last, in that order.  i miss the days of dining together.  but it's been a very long time since i've had that in my life.

i took Rachel home after a little bit.  she wasn't feeling well, still having the stomach issues going on.  i called Lonnie, but he was visiting his father.  i came home, and am about to shut it down, having done the dishes once more and taken the trash out.

i start work on Tuesday, YAY!  i'm very happy about that.  i am a bit apprehensive, but that's natural.  i can't think of a thing i'd rather do.  and it means i can start digging my way out of this hole in earnest.

down side of the day, Syd asking if i can take her to Liberty high school to catch her bus for the rest of the year.  schedule disruption, but it's going to happen no matter what.  she has to make some decisions, which will be seen by actions taken.  otherwise, i'm going to have to cut her off.  but that's neither here nor there.  it was a good day, dinner was good, company was good, and i'm about to shut it down. I thank you, Father, for a lovely day.

changing frames

i didn't do a whole lot today.  being saturday, that's all right.  but what i did was good for me.  i did get some good rest, sleeping later than usual.  i did pray, i don't think i read my meditations though.  i did have a better reading and take my meds and insulin.  i did have a responsible breakfast.  i did talk to my parents.  i did do some writing on the first draft of King Percival.  I did talk to Syd and my brother and Rachel and Lonnie today.  i did most of my prep for dinner tomorrow.  i did decide that i was going to attempt to honor Rachel for her birthday, though likely it won't be on Friday, as i'll have to work that day.  i did feel pretty good, up until this evening.  at the moment, my ankles are both in pain, and i have been fighting with my phone company about my phone dropping calls and acting fucked up.  but that's minor.

i know my parents are old.  hell, i'm almost old, and almost is likely an affectation.  on a daily basis, more things hurt on me.  shoulders, knees, ankles.  moving slow is about the only speed i can manage now.  the years of carrying all this weight is having it's toll with a vengeance now.  and i'm just 49.  my parents are both headed toward 80.  my dad is still active in his recovery community, such as it is.  my mom continues staying in contact with all the people she checks on every day.  i have a chance to tend to them, as they tended to me for so many years.  i think about what Lonnie said, that they have their routine, and while i'm helping, i'm the disruption.  it's a fascinating concept, a beneficial disruption.  but it tempers my complaining.

tomorrow, the full deal.  prayer and reading.  maybe a walk before breakfast.  my meeting, at the very least.  the Hall, if my mother is up to id.  on the menu, grilled glazed turkey (if i can manufacture a proper glaze), dirty rice and greens.  i'm thinking we're going to eat pretty good.  i'm thinking it's going to be a nice day.  and i'm thinking i'm grateful that despite my discomfort, i am alive, i am sober and i am through another day.  Thank you, Father.

later than usual...

old pic, long time ago.  again, i can't even really remember that guy.  no cell phone pic.  someone took it and gave it to me.  not a selfie.  i was writing then, debating on trying to write my story, which turned out to be Bad Road.  but so much simpler.  but simplicity is an illusion too.

today was good, but i'm so fucking melancholy its amazing i'm not drowning in my own shit.  i got up and prayed but did no readings other than my phone scripture.  i went to the gym and did the treadmill.  i came home for meds and coffee and left again to take Syd to her bus stop at the high school.  i came back and bad breakfast and left again to hit the counselor.  i went to the store afterward and got stuff for lasagna and salad, and then i came on back.

i'm in a deficit of sleep, my nephew likely stole my change from my car, i am barely awake and i'm pretty sure i'm babbling.  i will do someting a bit more in depth tomorrow.  for now, thank you, Jehovah, for my llife and sobriety today.

the rain comes

there are mistakes that aren't mistakes.  there are decisions, only decisions.  not good or bad; making a choice should not be considered a moral exercise.  only the actions come under judgment.  only the results are able to be tried and convicted or pardoned.  but choices are first thing in the morning and last thing at night.  every single one.

from a lovely day, the rain now falls.  tomorrow will be a cooler day than today was.  i will do some things that i decided not to do today.  but i have learned things, i have to make decisions on things.  choices.  and when they are made, the landscape will change once more.

so i mostly relaxed today.  i wrote, i read, i ate significantly less and i watched television with my mother.  i talked to Rachel, and she's going through more changes.  i am going to have to consider making different choices in regards to her.  a mental dilemma.  if i should tell her what i would like to say, then i'll probably have to do without her.  i can do that.  i don't want to, but life will go on.  if i don't, no one else seems to have the temerity to do so and so she may continue to swirl the drain.  she had an opportunity to do some interior decorating for someone, redecorating two bedrooms.  she was paid in advance.  lasted a few days without doing anything, then went to the casino and blew the money.  an obvious pattern, so its one that she sees.  but she doesn't speak on it, of course.  she doesn't act upon it, of course.  she just digs in deeper, pulls more wool over her eyes, smokes some weed and tries to wait out the storm.  if nothing more, it makes me know that i have to change my own behavior, to 'clear away the wreckage of my own past', so to speak, because i have no right to judge, and i have no intention on it.  but it will not be seen as anything else.

the other thing is Syd.  she is going through it with Joe.  they started on fucked up ground, never repaired the initial nonsense and continued to build on a severely flawed foundation.  so he is doing nothing to help around the apartment.  she says.  and he is essentially making her life miserable.  she says.  and i tell her she has to make a decision and stick to it.  i can't extract her from her drama.  she has to do this for herself.  but, i am worried.  Joe is a cared for individual.  his mother has done everything for him.  he is very likely burnt out from trying so hard to please Syd, who has never allowed herself to be pleased for long.  but the situation is growing worse.  i cannot be involved in their drama.  i won't put my hands on Joe.  and Syd says she's putting his things by the door.  that he has to leave.  but i don't see how that's actually going to happen.  so, there's that.

my prayers are for clarity and discernment.  my prayer is for Syd and Rachel to be okay.  but i am not the Fixer.  i am not the repair guy.  i can only be there, offer support and experience.  and if that's not enough, then i have to turn it over.  that's the deal.

the rain comes.  regardless of the season, it is raining somewhere.  sometimes the rain is lovely and refreshing.  and sometimes, it's bitter and cold.  but God makes it rain on the just and the unjust.  and that's called 'life'.  i thank Jehovah for a good day.

redemptive qualities

...i would say spiritually i was conceived in this house.  i wouldn't say i was BORN here.  not even spiritually.  but i would say i was conceived in this house, on Parkwood on the south side of Youngstown Ohio.  because in this house, all the elements of who i was to become were fermenting.  and in this house, i made mistakes that i am determined i will not consciously make again.  that does constitute some form of being conceived, but it would be years before these lessons gave birth to the man i am today.

yesterday i crashed earlier than intended.  so i didn't get a chance to log.  but it was a good day.  i did the things that i had slated to do, without hesitation or skipping anything, and i didn't do anything that i didn't have slated.  i saw Rachel, did the meeting, had the lunch i wanted, ate responsibly, talked to the people i needed to talk to.  i prayed and meditated and read and i felt good through the day.  good enough that i feel the residual good today.  so that's always a plus.

today i got up and decided i'd take the day off from the gym.  it's going to be a pretty day, and i'd like to just get this draft done and maybe go get some pictures.  i did read my scripture and my meditation books, and i did say my prayers.  i am doing this early, and will likely log again later, because i have thoughts on my mind that i think require some processing.

the house, for instance.  i can say now that i am glad that i was married, that i lived with that woman, that i had the time, good and bad, that i spent with her, being a family with her and her children.  i was still a very immature man at that time.  a woman who meant more to me than breath itself left for Colorado, to have a chance at a future that i, at 24 immature years old, could not provide for her or her children.  still couldn't today, so i know letting her go without romanticized notions was a good thing.  but i hurt.  i hurt with her leaving.  it was the first real void in my life, other than cocaine when i stopped smoking.  and i filled it with the woman who was to become my wife.

i knew we shouldn't have been together.  i knew from her being new in recovery.  it's called the 13th step.  people take that to mean having sex with a newcomer, but of course i have my own understanding of it.  there are 12 established steps to recovery.  from admitting and accepting powerlessness to having your spiritual awakening and carrying a message to help others, all in between.  12 steps.  they are intended to make you a better person, a person that a God of your understanding is capable of using to help other people.  so the things that we do to HARM those who are just looking for a way out of our hell, they are all outside of the 12 steps of recovery, they are ALL 13TH STEPS.  but in this instance, i got into a relationship with this young lady, 3 months younger chronologically but several years younger in sobriety.  i resisted, but not very hard.  because she was a woman who wanted someone to want her, and i was a man who needed someone to need me to be of any worth at all.  we were made to tear each other apart.

by the time we got married, we were grasping at straws, trying to keep ourselves together, trying to justify something that couldn't be justified.  we got married in the front room of that house.  the day before, we were speaking of conditions to be met if we didn't stay together.  she said all she wanted, if we divorced, was her name back.  i asked for nothing at all.  what could i ask for?  the dish you bring is the dish you take home after the party.  i brought nothing; i took nothing.  3 years together, progressively worse.  three months after marriage, i left her.  the fights got worse and we were now tearing the shreds into shreds.  i started doing things with other people, including Syd's mom, and even before she and i were sexual, my wife knew it was going to happen and began playing the wounded woman. but we'd both cheated.  we'd both done what we wanted to do.  but i was the one with what should have been a sober foundation.  i knew better; i just didn't DO better.  and it didn't bring back the woman i loved, and it didn't make the situation to come any better.  it laid a blueprint for dysfunction.  and i built according to that blueprint with my daughter's mother.  but things were changing.  a new Tim was gestating.

change happens, and it happens often.  change comes because instead of pointing at other people you look in the mirror, assess the damage done to you, and start working to fix it.  sometimes the damage has come from others, and sometimes it's come from your own actions.  but the repair work has to come from you.  that is the way change comes about.  that's how one grows the fuck up.  or its how i did anyway.

yesterday i ate responsibly, despite being in an environment where people eat to dull the quality of silence that is years old and to soothe the ache of living too close to each other.  today i will be responsible in my eating as well.  that is how you change.  that is how you grow the fuck up.

today, i made pancakes for my family.  not the 'just add water' box from the cupboard.  i have buttermilk left, so i made buttermilk pancakes from scratch.  'redemptive qualities', you asked?  well, you didn't really, that was just dramaturge. here's the deal though:  i am in the midst of my most vulnerable environment.  my mother and father.  when i was a child, i was herded through realities that meant nothing to me, while the things that i truly wanted to do were torn away.  cooking, the current example.  i would use the old Good Housekeeping cookbook, the big blue one, and i'd make pancakes that were heavy as hell.  i had no concept of why this went with that, of cooking time or anything else.  i was just starting out.  so i made the heaviest undone pancakes in the world.  i smile writing it, remembering.  and most everyone was kind enough to not make me feel bad.  except my dad.  who would make me feel horrible, because his wife wasn't cooking and he took that out on me.  that's the way it was, no resentment now.  but i never gave up, because it's what i enjoyed doing, and because it was part of my eating disorder.  no point gorging on food you don't enjoy right?  today, with no recipe, i put together buttermilk pancakes.  they were wonderful.  i know without eating a single one.  because of the work, the humiliations, the ridicule, the bad feelings from my dad, and because i never gave up.  and not giving up gave me something to give to Deja my son as well.  he is now a chef, working on his own catering business, working in restaurants, doing what i always wanted to do.  and not me living vicariously through him, but me celebrating God in the way He makes things turn out right, no matter what.

my pancakes were wonderful.  my chicken was great the other day, nothing undercooked, as when i was learning.  my ex-wife is happily married, or married anyway and who cares how happy she is?  my parents are still in their quiet war, but at 49 years old, i am not ammunition.  i am Switzerland.  i am neutral country, making my goodies and laundering money.  and that's a good place to be in an ongoing war.

i am grateful for the day.  more later.

lost somewhere in my mind (hoping that's all it is, anyway...)

i have to say, this has been a nothing day.  a void in my spirit, i guess is as good a way to sum it up as any.  yet, i feel as if i'm missing something important, as if something i should be dealing with is sliding right beneath my nose and out of my perimeter.  that's going to prove pretty detrimental, i'm sure.

i got up okay, said prayers and did readings.  i should have gotten my ass to the gym, but i woke feeling sort of funny.  i went down the stairs and made fresh coffee for my mom and put water on so i could make a french press for myself, then i went to the basement to take my insulin and medicine.  i found i'd left my computer on and i turned it off. there's no reason for that to occur.  i came back upstairs, made my coffee and made myself an omelet.  let's start there, because i know i overate today and i'm currently feeling pretty miserable as a result.  i had breakfast, then i came up here and got myself dressed.  i had planned to just get out of the house for a bit.  i know it isn't really any problem for me to come and go, but i feel responsible all the time.  i have felt that responsibility for the past 18 years of my life, and likely longer, being an inherent caretaker.  but i needed some space.  my mom was sleep, my aunt was gone, so i left.

i went to the library, took back the Walter Mosley and got Toni Morrison's last book and two Stephen Kings.  i then went down into Mill Creek.  i finished the Mario Puzo i was reading, and i just chilled.  i had nothing else to do.  when i left the park i was on Glenwood.  i decided, for some reason, that i wanted to time travel a bit.  i went left on Glenwood off Falls and turned onto Parkwood, where much of my adventure in recovery really took off, on the human side anyway.

i'll probably post the picture here tomorrow, but i came to the house where i lived for a time with my now ex-wife.  she has a right to her anonymity as well.  the house is a part of my history in so many ways.  my great aunt lives next door, did when i was living there with my ex, did when i was still in my addiction and lived with my cousin across the street.  in fact, a girl he was fucking lived in that house when i was still smoking weed and cocaine.  just now realized that, just today.  anyway, i started remembering.  and the house made me sad, sad in a huge way, and i'm still sad.  that house is condemned now.  it is 'unfit for human occupancy', as the sign on the board that covers the front entryway says.  all the ceiling wood from the front porch has been torn down.  windows uncovered are broken.  a tree has actually grown from underneath the back steps.  the back door is off the house; entry has been gained.  but how many years?  at least 22, and likely more.  time is malleable in human memory.  when i met my ex, it was Christmas time.  we were at the Fellowship Hall.  she was coming back from a relapse and i was there being wonderful, as i pretty much was back then, always somewhere between savior and asshole.  i started talking to her because a dude from Detroit was trying to get some sex and i was 'trying to keep her safe'...yeah.  we danced, only ones on the floor.  i was rebounding hard from the woman i had loved to the bottom of my being before she left Youngstown for a better life across the country.  while i didn't start out to have a relationship with my ex, we got sexual, we got closer, i moved in.  we were together for three increasingly bad years, we got married, and in three months i'd left her.  but, as bad as things were, we had some pretty good times back then.  the kids she had were adorable, though imbued with some truly bad habits.  but taking care of them was a pleasure.  we walked everywhere we could, down in the park and to the store, caught the bus.  we did meetings, we had friends by, we spent time with her family, my friends, what have you.  but when the bottom fell out, we kept falling with it.  our relationship, definitely our marriage, was 'unfit for human occupancy'.  but damned if we didn't have some pretty good times before then.

one more failure.  one more thing that i brought my arrogance, my insecurities and my lack of any real understanding of human nature at that time to someone else's table.  one more life i stopped giving a fuck about.  she's doing well now.  she's remarried twice over, has a good job, still clean.  i wouldn't get back with her on a million dollar bet.  but i remember.  seeing the house, the window where we slept, where the kids rooms were.  the back porch, where we'd sit out naked in the moonlight on hot summers, way back in the beginning.  she helped me be okay with looking at me.  i feel sad now.  been feeling some of that for some weeks now.  i don't know what comes next.  i just know i have to get some breathing room, some kind of way to stretch more often and breathe away from the needs of the family.  that would be nice.  but maybe i don't deserve it.  can't say for sure..  i know i'm glad that i'm alive, and i thank God for that.

sentient

i can choose to love, despite the world i live in.  i can choose to live, because i know i am loved today.

this was not the most eventful day, but it didn't have to be.

i got up way too early, about 230 or so.  i couldn't get back to sleep, despite the groovy binaural meditation video i had on.  so i just lay in bed until around 4 and got it moving.  got my gym clothes on after my prayer and my readings.  i went downstairs, turned the auto-perk back on my mom's coffee pot, went to the basement and brewed my own.  i had a cup with some water, watched a small guest scurry out across the concrete and back to the shadows (mouse or chipmunk, not sure) and then i got my ass to the gym.  treadmill today.  sugar was about 114.  still running a bit high.  got to get off these fucking sweets, man.

i came back, got my insulin and meds taken along with more coffee and water, made a breakfast sandwich and decided to lay back for awhile.  i'd woke up kinda snotty, congested, and still fighting off the gout that was trying to lock me up on sunday, so i wasn't rushing.  talked to Rachel for a bit, then i got re-dressed in going places clothes.  checked out  Stambaugh online, but Margaret Atwood had already come so no point getting tickets for a past event.  didn't go to the library either.  just drowsed; shallow-napped.  my mom made me lunch, which was tasty, and i went to the store after.  bought chicken and buttermilk.  got my chicken seasoned and marinated and tomorrow i'll be frying it up.  i was curious, and i tasted the buttermilk and regretted it.
i have eaten dinner, leftovers.  taken my dad to get his car.  i've watched television with my aunt, i've spent time with my mom.  talked to Syd, to Rachel, to Lonnie.  i am about to shut it all the way down, weight day tomorrow.

i had texted De'Ja last night, an existential moment, i guess.  i said 'i don't know what's worse; succeeding at failure or failing to succeed.  i have been pondering that, i won't lie.  i'm as ready to start work as i'm likely to get.  i'm waiting for emails so i can know exactly when i get rolling.  i will be paying my back shit off, making money, working on my publishing service, waiting for a house, doing good things.  but i look back to all the same shit i'm dealing with now.  not being able to pay rent in Columbus.  having to move here because i couldn't get decent employment there.  it is a demoralizing thing.  and i've been dealing with it so long.  but i know it's not the same place.  i know i'm in a much better mode, and i'm in a much better position.  and i can love myself for living, and i can live because i am loved, and i am sentient, i am aware of me for the first time maybe.  no point feeling bad forever, a few moments will do.  then i got to get back to my happy place.  i am thankful to Jehovah God for his love and kindness on my behalf today.

BACK IN STRIDE AGAIN

well.  this has been a pretty happy though uneventful Sunday.  i got no real problem with that.  but i blew off the major stuff, and i need to stop doing that.

i was up too early, i felt, but it's mostly because i didn't get to sleep until late.  i was drinking coffee all day, hanging with Rachel on Saturday, so there you go.  but i got up, slowly.  i said my prayer.  i read my scripture and my meditation books.  i came downstairs, put a load in the washer.  i put on coffee for myself and my mom and i took a shower and shaved.  i had breakfast.  i got out of the way, because by that point the house was stirring.  i had some things to do.  i'd planned, yesterday, on going to the Hall and my meeting.  i did neither, in actuality.  i was worried about my mom, who slept much later than normal and when she woke seemed to be lost.  my dad was up and getting ready to roll.  i had not much to do after i decided not to go to either of my Sunday things.  i texted to let the people know i wouldn't be there.  i called Rachel but got no answer.  i called Lonnie to tell him whenever he was ready just let me know.  then i just moved slow.  they ate leftovers in the early day.  that was cool with me.  i started my prep and then Lonnie texted that he was ready.  i went to pick him up.

today was the day.  he came by, drilled the hole and now i'm wired in the basement.  i'm typing this, right now, from my own computer.  good stuff.  i made dinner.  i got bread from Lonnie for the house.  made sure Lonnie had lunch as a quasi-thank you for helping me get this up and running.  saw my brother briefly.  found that Syd's phone is out of commission.  need to get my phone bill paid.  and so on and so on.

i don't know for sure.  i have looked over the equipment i have gotten from Amazon thus far.  i see kinda how this is supposed to go, but i'm going to end up having to go through my emails to see how i'm supposed to EXACTLY get this shit ready for training.  point is, next Sunday, i'll be employed.  i couldn't be happier about that.  and i'll be right here to make sure i can still take care of my family.  so, what more could i really ask?  i am grateful to Jehovah for his guidance.  i am here by God's grace.  i am among family.  there are trials, but they are not insurmountable, not with guidance from my Father.  and things change, don't they?  even when you think you're resisting change, it's happening all around you, changing you without your permission.  and that's for the best.  i'm going to wrap this up.  gym tomorrow for sure.

the BIG SLEEP...and other activities

...that was a good time.  sometimes the saddest thing is when it feels like the good times are over, like you've run out of 'good times' coupons and now you have to just settle for the 'general admission' experiences.  but you can always hope, can't you?  sure you can.

i didn't write yesterday because i slept, a massive sleep.  i put myself in bed and stayed there except to eat and shit.  that is the real.  and i don't regret it one bit.

so i got up yesterday, i did my prayer and read my stuff and got dressed and got coffee on for mom and for me and i made it to the gym and did the treadmill.  i came back to the house and i made myself some breakfast, and then i went to take a bit of a nap.  now, i can't remember all the sequences of how things happened.  i know that i fixed my dad's phone at least once.  i know that i went to Taco Bell for my mom and myself for lunch.  i know that i came downstairs about seven something in the pm and i made myself some form of stir fry as i didn't want leftovers.  that is what i remember.  and then, i remember i was on the couch, just nodding in and out, or 'shallownapping', as i like to call it now, because i knew if i went to the attic it was a wrap.  i know after a point, with dad in and out as if he was not supposed to be getting help getting places or working on a schedule so we could accommodate him, with my mother sleeping most of her day away, i decided i was going to just give in.  i went to the attic and i put it down in the afternoon.  i woke up and decided to eat, though i had told Rachel i was just going to stay in bed.  and i ate, and i went back up the stairs and i went back to sleep.  and i got up this morning later than usual and i got my prayer done and reluctantly read my books and scripture and i came downstairs and my mom's coffee was heating and my aunt had had her tea and i made a french press of my regular coffee and made breakfast for everyone, which my dad has yet to eat.  like, right now, at 10pm, just getting in, and bypassing the breakfast plate again.  and i made breakfast for them, and myself, and i wrote some in King Percival's outline, and i talked to Rachel, who was still sounding rough, and i made arrangements to hang out with her today, assuring her it was not going to be a 'drop you in my mom's room and go to sleep' visit.  i went to the basement, messed around a bit, got myself dressed, came down to watch some television, got a message and call from Rachel that she was ready to roll, and i went to get her.  almost ran out of gas on the freeway, because i should have filled up before i left. i got gas, got to her house, was corrected for not coming to get the heavy crate of pop and flavored water she had brought for me, and we talked on our way to my parent's house.  i had told her i was going to grill, so i stopped and got some brats and some potatoes, though i didn't use the potatoes.  i made brauts and cabbage and a linguine salad.  Rachel brought ribs so she could use my grill to cook them.  it was a nice visit, though she was still sad because of something that i won't include here.  we drank coffee and listened to some music and we worked on the cabbage and the pasta salad together.  we kept each other company while we grilled.  we spent some time around my family, and we spent time together.  and in the end, she enjoyed her visit, which made me happy.  my ethernet cable came in, and that makes me happy too.  She talked about some jealousy due to me starting this position and her not being able to, and i told her i was sad that we weren't starting together, but that i was doing this for us as well as for Syd and for myself.  i took her home after her ribs were done, and i came back to my parent's house.  my mom is still seeming disoriented and distracted, but she ate and she seemed to feel okay today, with Deedy coming to clean and whatnot.  i don't know what the future will bring.  but i do know that i have had a lot of days that looked like futures that weren't going to come when i tried looking ahead, and they came, and today is another one just like that.  so i don't need to know what tomorrow is going to bring.  i just need to know that i'm doing the best i can today.  and i can look back, like that picture up there, and know that this woman, as hard as it is for her, loves me as hard as she can.  and that's good enough.  thank you, Father, for your blessings today.

so.  this was not a bad day.  wasn't a bad couple of days.  but it is wearisome.  it is very much a drain on the mental capacitors.  but i'm going to live.  that's the most important thing.

why am i posting more pictures of me?  because i'm trying to get back to enjoying being who i am.  it is hard.  because of the living situation.  because of the chicanery involving my grandparent's house.  because of the neediness of my parents.  no point lying about things.  because of my own past actions that have my present limping along.  but with all that, i have not started disliking myself.  i just have to get back to actively loving myself, actively enjoying what i am and who i am and what i do.  and i am allowed to work on that in the midst of everything else.

so today, i got up and decided not to do the gym.  don't know why.  sleep was good, and i was enjoying the rest is about the best i can say.  the shopping thing and all the running on wednesday had me drained, admittedly.  but i stayed in bed.  then i prayed, then i read from Matthew, then i did my meditations, and then i threw on clothes and came downstairs.  i heated my mom's coffee and got my stuff together to make a fresh pot in the basement.  i got ice water, went downstairs, brewed my coffee, took my sugar and my insulin and meds.  then i got to work on my outline.  almost done.  getting tired of plotting, but it's pretty important to do.  King Percival (the title may change) is going to be a wonderful book, i'm going to grow as an author.  everything evolves.

i only had taking my dad to his board meeting on my calendar.  i just heated up leftovers for breakfast, had to get Syd from school because she was feeling sick, took her home.  i went to the store, got Mom's Splenda, got Syd some Benadryl.  i came back to the house again.  i can't really think clearly, in terms of what else transpired.  i know i had lunch, but i can't really remember it.  i know i played on the computer, but that wasn't everything.  i know i watched some television.  i did get my dad to his board meeting.  i got bread from the store for the house.  i made dinner and ate.  i talked to Lonnie and i talked to Rachel, a conversation that was cut short.  but i didn't do anything that was so extraordinary that it sticks out.  and perhaps that's what the picture taking is about as well.
the process of caring for your family as a grown man is about awareness and responsiveness.  it is about being able to get out of yourself, to turn off those synapses that are prone to resentment and chastisement.  it is, in effect, to become a better (or worse, to be fair) parent than you were to even your own kids.  because your parents know better...they just won't or can't do better anymore.  often my dad just leaves his trash wherever he happens to eat.  my mom can't decide what she'd like for any particular meal.  i just remembered, i made my mom and myself an omelet for lunch.  we split it, because i didn't feel like double cooking, though i did that for dinner.  my mom, my dad, my aunt.  grooved into their way of being.  and so am i.  but God is showing me that if someone can change, then things can be better.  degrees of things.  it's not necessary for everyone to change.  just that things can change.  and i thank Jehovah for the ability to be responsive and aware today.  i'm going to bed.

very long day

a day spent mostly waiting.  running for peoples.  doing family things.  working on acceptance.  life on life's terms.  nothing you can do some days but use your energy sparingly, get through the fracas and rest your mind afterward.

i got up early, but was moving slow with no gym to worry about.  i made and had coffee and water, took a shower, shaved carefully (no cuts), made my mom coffee and did some work on the outline.  not in that order.  i read my daily scripture on the phone, but not my bible or my meditation books.  i had a list of things accumulate on me, but the details weren't as bad as the time constraints.  Dad getting pupils dilated, shouldn't be a long, long process but i was stuck in that for 2 hours.  then taking Syd to the store while getting stuff for my Mom.  then waiting for the cable people to come.  some days prove themselves to be longer than the sum of minutes, hours and seconds.  they prove that time is relative, and that it is not linear, but cyclical.  regardless, it was a very long day.

the longest part, to be honest here, was finding that my sister has moved into my grandparent's house... and my cousin has moved out.  i will state this here:  this was done as a way to get me pissed.  it was my cousin being an asshole, and likely my sister as well.  i say this here because i'm in the process of letting it go.  i won't be a spoiled child, ranting and raving because i didn't get my way.  i will accept that i am right where i'm supposed to be at this moment, that caring for my parents to the extent i can is more beneficial than being in that house.  i will trust God, who has never failed me and never let me down.  and things will work out for the best for me, if i continue seeking to do the right things.  i believe this.

Rachel is going through things.  Lonnie is cool enough.  Life on Life's terms.  and i am clean, sober and thoughtful and thankful.  i'm gone.

melancholy and muses

i'm tired today.  so much continues to go on.  it seems like any attempt to draw a breath just brings less oxygen to my lungs, like a spiritual choking.  but it's not accurate.  i'm doing what i can do, doing all i can.  all that remains is for me to get ready for the beginning of the training session, to take care of what i can take care of.  but you really just don't know how a thing will turn out ahead of time.

i got up good today.  prayer, scriptures, meditation books, dressed for the gym.  i got my mom's coffee heated up, got my pot turned on in the basement and i got to the gym.  did the treadmill, didn't do a whole half hour, but it was a good workout.  a white guy that is a regular got on the treadmill next to mine.  when i finished, i turned to him and thanked him for walking next to me.  he asked why did i thank him and i told him most people don't walk next to me.  we bumped fists and i left.  

i went to Walmart for breakfast stuff before i came back to the house. i got some coffee and water, took my blood sugar, 114, took meds and insulin and started on my breakfast.  i made two breakfast burritos for myself, a breakfast sandwich for my mom.  i got a load of clothes washed and into the dryer, which i am currently just remembering is in the dryer and will attend to shortly.  i got gas and a bag of ice for the house.  i went to the Clinic and paid the rent for March for the wednesday CA meeting.  i went up the hill to the Fellowship Hall to the noon meeting to check on my friend Greg.  he was doing okay, and since i'd heard differently, i was cool with that.  i stayed for half the meeting, went to see Rachel, talked to her for a few, went to have lunch with Lonnie, then came back to the house.  

Chris had told me last week she'd be in town today, and she texted me when she was in.  she's leaving the state next week and came to say her good-byes.  i talked to her for a bit, asked her to address some things with Syd, and i'm waiting for Syd to call to say she's ready to go to the store.  we talked about some other things, and then she went around the corner to see Syd.  i have made dinner for my parents but they both ate something else so that will do for their dinner tomorrow.  i am learning that the ethernet splitter i was planning on using won't work, as one computer will interfere with the other one.  so i have to come up with a plan B of my own right about now.  it's frustrating.  i have a job, i have space to work, and if i could do it wifi i'd invest in a better laptop.  but it has to be hardwired to a modem and that's not going to be feasible, apparently.  but, as i progress, i know it will work out.  i have no doubt about that. patience is called for; patience i will maintain.  time to get my clothes out the dryer.  thank you, Jehovah, for a good day.  

bad to worse to better

 its been a day.  its been a 48 hours.  and it's okay for now, but barely.  but God's will be done, above all else.  remembering that is sanity, serenity and sobriety.  interchangeable only with each other, not for barter for anything else.

sometimes, summing up is hard.  but the details of Sunday to today are so bizarre, i don't want to miss the nuances and the small details, though i know i will anyway.

the situation was defused last night.  i don't want my dad feeling bad about this thing with my grandparent's house.  he has enough he's dealing with.  and i have work to do.  so when i got up this morning, i said a prayer for the things that i know i need, things to get me moving in the direction my feet are pointing in right now.  mostly for discernment and patience, but also for family members, for the people who don't even have the shelter i have right now, let alone a home of their own.  and i got up and got dressed for the gym.

i reset my mom's coffee maker timer and got it ready to brew at 6am.  got myself some water, and i got my ass to the gym.  i decided on weights today.  just wasn't feeling the treadmill.  very few people there, but that was okay.  i pushed myself a bit, wanted to feel the workout, and then i came home.  home is here, my parent's house.  i'd learned yesterday that Syd and Joe aren't doing well together.  that is likely going to create another set of complications for me, but suffient to this day are it's own evils.
i got myself a cup of coffee.  my sugar was good and i took insulin and my meds.  i went upstairs, got myself an omelet and a half bagel.  i didn't cook for my dad because he doesn't always eat.  i didn't cook for my mom because she was sleep.  eventually i came upstairs and laid around, thinking.  too much thinking, lately.

eventually i got up.  went to the basement.  unhooked my hard drive and brought it to the living room.  hooked it into the cabling in the living room, to the modem. began doing the final steps of my 'Onboarding' (amazon word).  the system check was long, long long.  but my computer is now ready for Amazon training and work.  and i have to call Spectrum tomorrow.  i'm planning on the gym tomorrow.  got to call about this ticket tomorrow.  got things to do.  running out of cash.  but it don't matter.  finish my prep stuff, work starts on April 30th.

my mood is leveled.  my attitude is gone.  i have peace in my heart.  my sister is what she is.  she is also God's daughter.  therefore, His will be done in her life as well, i pray.

my brother did that picture for me, OF me, a long time ago.  it is still one of the best things i have.  thank you, Father, for putting it back before my eyes.

Mars and Venus, all fucked up...

the woman i adore.

this has been a lesson day, a blessing in itself, and stressful in it's own poignant revelations.  i hope the day after 50 is not nearly this tumultuous.

i got up feeling good.  i'd slept pretty good, had a great day yesterday and was ready to get things done.  i said my prayers, took my time reading scriptures and my meditations, and i got my ass moving.  i went downstairs, turned on my mother's coffee part, and ambled to the basement to start MY OWN COFFEE.  happiness.

i checked my sugar, magnificent after my triple threat chocolate cake the night before.  took my insulin, my pills, drank some coffee and water and got it moving.  i made breakfast for my mom and myself.  was slated to take my dad to his cousin's house for Easter, and was waiting for Rachel to bring my car back.

that's the end of the good parts of the day.

through my brother Jerry i learned that my sister, her husband and perhaps their children are moving into my grandparent's house.  the house i've been at my parent's house waiting to be vacated.  at the invitation of my cousin, who's supposed to be moving out.  that was the gray clouds rolling over my day, as they would for anyone who'd been waiting for the place they were told would be theirs to be empty only to learn, quoting Blazing Saddles, '...they're staying in droves!'

before that, Rachel had informed me she detoured from doing her laundry to the casino, so was broke and all her clothes were dirty.  she refused my suggestion she come here to do clothes, as i knew she would.

my anger was simmering.  i talked to Rachel and Lonnie about it.  i tried to let it work itself out.  my plans are still to pray about it, because some things need more than simple cliche or trite slogans from well-meaning people.  sometimes you have to turn it over and wait to see what the actual issue is, and what God is going to do to bring resolution.  i was not there then; i am now though.  next step.

i got a call from Syd.  talking to De'Ja the day before, i'd learned there is great trouble in paradise, and i doubted if i'd get the entire situation from either of the parties.  but i picked up Syd, brought her here to feed her and got her side of things.  later, i talked to Joe, who finally came by, and got his side of things.  honestly, my only concern in any of this is the fact that the grass has not yet been cut, and that Syd won't be able to maintain the apartment by herself.  but that is neither here not there at the moment.  i fed her, gave her cake to take home, talked to her.  talked to Joe.  have to turn them over, let them go.

i talked to my dad at the end of the evening.  he is trying to bring about a resolution to the current situation with the house.  but i believe that Jehovah has me here for a reason.  someone has to help look after my parents.  would my sister do that?  i don't believe so, but i can't say that for sure.  i can say, for a certainty, that i will.  but my dad is seeing my cousin's manipulation and he is adamant about things coming together for me.  i told him i didn't want him to stress about it.  i apologized for not going in to say hello to his cousins.  no matter what, i don't need to be an asshole to anyone.

i think that's pretty much it.  i'm really tired, i'm trying to do the gym tomorrow, and i have so much on my mind and my plate that i'm literally overwhelmed right now.  but i'll get over it.  thank you, Father, for a day of new information.

Endings & Beginnings, Pt 2 (the new beginning)

I have no complaints about today, though i have to admit it started out as an exercise in senility.  

i woke early, stayed laying down and finally got up.  my mom went for her sleep study yesterday night, so only my dad and i were in the house.  i said my prayer, did my reading, got my stuff together and came down the steps.  i brewed a pot of coffee in my mom's  pot, since she wasn't here and i could do a pot of regular without issue, and i took my shower.  that's the condensed, undetailed version.  truth is, i got up and couldn't find my glasses.  i'd said before that i was becoming comfortable in the house, to the extent of leaving my glasses downstairs by the computer, but i did a room by room, area by area search and didn't find them.  sucked in its own way because, as glasses wearers can relate, finding glasses WITHOUT your glasses is like playing 'Where's Waldo?' when the picture is of a snowstorm.  so i did my morning without my glasses.  as well, i decided, since i was possibly spending time with Rachel today, to shave again, though i did it yesterday.  the stubble that i grow is hardcore, the water maybe wasn't hot enough, didn't use enough shaving cream, whatever the case, i was soon an abattoir, two huge cuts on my head, blood streaming down to my neck, around my ears, my wash cloth crimson from cleaning up.  i got myself and the blood cleaned up, took my shower, had coffee, went upstairs to put my stuff away, looked under the futon and on the floor and finally surrendered and there they were, on the back of the couch in the attic, where i'd laid down briefly before the futon and sleep.  i felt 49 and senile, i kid you not.

i did make it to Denny's for my free breakfast.  that was cool enough, but their policy has changed quite a bit since last i decided to brave Denny's for a birthday meal. in the morning you get 4 picks from their 'build your own Grand Slam' menu.  so i had two pancakes, of which i ate half, i had four sausages, and two scrambled eggs that were overcooked.  the coffee was overpriced, and you had to pay for your own coffee. but it was free breakfast, and it was a good start to the day.  a family of white people were at the table next to me, and the grandfather wished me a happy birthday, and i complimented him on his wool cap, which was truly awe-inspiring.  he told me it was hand knitted and one of a kind and i told him it looked magnificent on him, which made him happy.  

the rest of the day was fairly uneventful.  i set up my computer, but the microphone is not working with Audacity.  no reason to worry at the moment; that's not my focus.  but i have to check it out eventually.  my dad, whom i told i was off the clock to yesterday, came to ask me if i'd take him to my grandparent's house, which is still not occupied by me, to get money from my cousin who's still not moved out of that house.  i told him i was about to leave, then got my ass in gear so it wasn't a lie.  

i got a double beef burrito at taco bell, called Lonnie from the parking lot, went into Dollar General to get my coffee pot and filters, and went to Campbell to visit with Lonnie.  i hung there for awhile, then Rachel, who'd called to say she was running behind today while i was at DG, called to say she was going to take a car to her daughter, and to pick her up in Boardman and we'd go to lunch.  i said cool, and off i went.

we went to a Chinese restaurant in Boardman for lunch, nice place, good food.  we went to Ollie's after that, but i didn't find what i was looking for.  we went to the movies and saw The Shack, or rather, i saw the movie.  Rachel's sugar was high and she fell asleep.  good movie, a bit thin in build up, but a feel good spiritual movie for those into that.  then we came back here to the house.  

i showed Rachel the basement so far, and she spent some time with my mother.  i cut the cake, pictured above, and we each had a slice.  i cut a piece for Rachel's daughter, wrapped it up, or Rachel wrapped it, and then we went on the porch and hung out.  we talked and spent time together, and it was very, very nice.  i miss hanging out with her.  i know she misses it too, and i'm sure that's what was part of her motivation for her comments about me not being in my apartment.  but it was a good evening, a good day.  my brother Jerry gave me 4 Carlos Castanedas books.  the coffee was wonderful that VF gave me.  i said a bunch of thank you's to  people on FB, the new way to say Happy Birthday to someone.  we are people barely aware of our humanity anymore.  but a lovely woman gave me a chocolate layer cake with chocolate frosting and shaved curls of chocolate, and a wonderful lady gave me a great coffee.  fuck the lack of humanity; i am steeped in good people and that's what's really important to me.

i am grateful to God for a good day.  not a good birthday per se, but a good day.  also, many of the saying, the philosophies and the messages in The Shack are things that i've learned and said over the years, many times in many situations to many people.  good to know you're not the only one who thinks the way you do.  time for sleep.  Rachel's got my car, washing clothes.  time to shut it down.  

Ending & Beginning, pt 1

This was a good day, an almost perfect day, and I am grateful for it. Let me start there.

I got up and had my prayer. The alarm woke me today, I was sluggish but moving. I got into gym clothes, ignoring the "...you & Syd walked yesterday, stay in bed..." voice. I read from bible and meditation books and went downstairs. Had water, turned on Mom's coffee and hit the gym. Did the treadmill today, good walk. Back to house, took shower, groomed, made coffee for me, breakfast for parents and myself, listened to my Dad work up a laundry list of things he wanted to do, then went to counseling.

Got an answer to my loss of penis dream, and a bag o' birthday swag. Got the best counselor. Came back here, waited for my Dad and took him on his runs. Went to Penney's where he got my mom and myself b-day gifts. Did a couple more small runs, then off to lunch w Lonnie. Good lunch, good conversation. Back to house. Tired, kinda headachy, got porch light changed. Took quick nap. Had a sandwich. Talked to Rachel, I'll see her tomorrow. 

I am learning. Empathy is more important the older you get. Kids have no karma but their parent's ans their resentments. But I can feel my Dad's fear, my Mom's depression. They teach me about myself. I am grateful to God for each breath I've enjoyed today.

anger to anger

man, i'd forgotten about the old flyers i posted on FB.  i liked this one, though i would have to remove it if anyone actually put any fame on top of my writing career.  not a long one today.  i did good waking, prayer and reading and cleaning the basement, gym and coffee and breakfast.  then my dad decided to stay off the script and ask for an impromptu ride, and i had to try to steer him back on course to know that he needs to let me know his itinerary before the day of, so that i can arrange my things and accommodate him as well.  he got angry and said he could take himself but he's not going to try to plan out everything he has to do.  more he has things to do that are never going to land on a calendar page.  i have been angry as well, but i'll get over that.  i have to help him, regardless of his manipulation to get me to let him have his way.
i got a lot more done in the basement, so i did channel my anger into constructive action.  and i hung out with Syd for a bit, which was a good thing as she asked for the time and i had it to give.  miss seeing her on the regular.  i did the gym, did weights today, i got some stills from down in Mill Creek, want to hit the gym in the morning and i have counseling.  no idea about my b-day just yet.  it will be a good beginning to a new trip around the sun, and the end to a strange but productive run that just ended.  i am grateful for time, and i am grateful for resolution.  thank you, Father, for your intercedence on my behalf.

Crazy is as Crazy does...

well, things tend to move at their own pace.  this journey has taken some odd turns along the way, but there's no going back now.  whatever is ahead out there, i'm into the discovery aspect of it all.  and maybe, just maybe, there's a surprise or three that's going to make it all make sense one day.  but for now...one day at a time, right?

i got up this morning, sleeping pretty good last night, but i still didn't feel my 'go' as far as making it to the gym.  not making any excuses, i just didn't feel it and didn't move toward it.  i said my prayer, i read scriptures, i went downstairs.  i got coffee heated for my mom, pressed my own coffee and got to work on the outline for my next book.  my dad tends to wander earlier these days, so i waited until he came down to the first floor and back upstairs before i got my breakfast.  i ate and went upstairs and got myself dressed.  i knew my dad was going to tell me about his 1pm meeting, but he knows i have a 12 noon meeting, and he's not making other plans.  he is determined he is going to have his way, and i'm not going to stop him, because he WILL stop.  one way or another.  already gave him the reality breakdown; if he chooses to disregard it because it's not in his 'want' box, then he's just like the rest of us and the consequences will belong to him.  nonetheless...

i got my mom an omelet together and took off for the meeting.  i'd intended to go to Wal-Mart to see about the splitter and cable i need for my computer in the basement but i just went on my way to the fellowship hall.  i got there and the new secretary, Robert, was already there with his daughter. someone else was waiting in the parking lot, but i knew he wasn't staying for the meeting.  got in, put the new lock on the locker, got the stuff out and got set up.  the meeting was good; about 12 people, doing tradition 2.
 for our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority; a loving God as he may express himself in our group conscience.  Our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern.
always a favorite of mine. after the meeting, i went to see Rachel and we talked for a bit.  i went to the store after that, got stuff to make burgers and salad, and came home.  i prepped the salad while my mom talked to my brother's daughter.  i'm still apprehensive about her; she caused my mom a lot of trouble when she decided to move from this house.  not going into that. but it was good to see her anyway, she and her eldest son.  i took my dad to Giant Eagle to pick up prescriptions, came home, grilled the burgers, ate and went to the post office for my dad.  i came back, went to the basement, wanted to work on some cleaning but am pretty worn out.  now i'm drinking a cup of tea that is getting better as i get closer to the bottom, and i'm going to work on some of my outline and go to bed.

with the Rachel thing.  i know that i don't need to have anyone believe in me in order to do what i need to do.  i only need to believe in myself and know that God is blessing my efforts.  i don't feel as if i am simply trusting in the random spin of a wheel and crossing my fingers.  i am here now because my parents need one of their children here to help them.  they need me more than Syd does, at the moment.  when the house is ready, i will move into it.  when the job starts, i will be ready.  and, i imagine, i could simply push my parents aside, focus solely on learning my sales stuff, churning the wheels to get more product out and aim for the far wall.  but what kind of person would that make me?  someone that i would admire if i knew that was how they got where they were trying to go?  doubtful.  i am blessed with a heart that works emotionally, though not always physically. i'm blessed with compassion and forgiveness, though sometimes they come slow.  i'm blessed with love, and that is the hardest thing sometimes, but it is always better to have love than not have love.  mostly, i'm blessed with breath and a road.  and all i need to do is, if i wake up tomorrow, follow the road Jehovah puts my feet on.  i am grateful.  i am done for the night.

starting from the underground...

man, i love that Google stuff.  it's  totally intrusive, but sometimes it's really kinda cool.  this stop motion vanity piece was just a series of photos that Google decides might be nice in conjunction to each other.  right on.

today was a bit of a wash.  stress with no clear cause, and blues with no discernible resolution.  but i started working on the basement, and i am glad about that.

i did get up and pray and read, but i didn't  go to the gym.  i woke still drifting through the residuals of yesterday's tension, but at least my dreams weren't of a castrative nature.  i did dream, but i can't remember them, and that is a relief in itself.  i got up and went downstairs and waited for my dad.  as i got moving late, i had no choice but to wait, as his morning rituals are about 80 times longer than mine.

we eventually got started, a bit after ten, and his actual meet time wasn't until ten-thirty.  we talked more about his being driven around, and his point being that he would have to do things for himself sometimes.  i can only imagine.  i can't assure him, because i don't have his experience to draw from.  but i try to tell him that we are thinking about him, and that if he will just accommodate us with accurate schedule information, we could likely help him a great deal more.  or, he will insist on driving himself, something truly bad will happen, and then he'll be forced to surrender more than he can voluntarily surrender now.  i know he didn't like it, and he made it clear through his trying to direct my driving and his telling me that i was going to lose the person that was following us.  i decided not to come up to his appointment, choosing to go to McD's instead as i had not eaten breakfast.  horrible food.  glad i went; reminds me not to poison myself.

after the radio station i took him to two banks and then we came home.  i came upstairs and changed into shorts and a tee shirt, and then went downstairs with my chromebook to start work on the basement.

it is a horrendous task.  there are tossed off memories, boxes full of them, emotional debris and junk, all strewn haphazardly through what was once a communal space.  we get older, kids grow up, people burrow deeper into their conditional surrenders, and the evidence is collected chaos.  but i started by moving things that belonged together, putting his Ebony Group stuff in once of the back closets, getting rid of obvious trash.  that made room for me to put a table and a desk chair where i need them.  over the next two days, i'll continue the process.

my mom is listening to the Memorial on the phone.  don't know what my dad is doing.  talked to Rachel for a bit, and talked to Lonnie a couple times.  i'm ready to shut it down for the night, i think.  thank you, Jehovah, for productive work and a clearing away of thoughts and things.

number line emotionality

gonna explain that title.  i don't know how easily.  i'm feeling conflicted today, and the image of a number line from the 'old' math classes came into my head.  change is coming.  maybe not good.  definitely not pleasant.

some details will be explicit, because i need them for clarity.  some will be non-specific, because i have to post this up for access and i am not going to have people feeling maligned for being directly identified.  that's the way it goes.

let's start from two nights ago.  i had a dream, about the murder of a former boss, some surreal elements of Shaq chasing a snake, and two lesbian friends from Columbus coming to see the murder scene, one of them lusting after a lesbian that i know here, and the three of us ending up in bed watching television.  that was two nights ago.
last night, i'd talked to R through the day.  told her i'd call her back before i shut down for the night.  when i called her, her phone picked up, and i was privileged to a conversation she was having about me to her children.  about what i'd done with the apartment and Syd, and about how i left all that so i could build my empire.  i didn't listen long before i said 'hello?', at which time there was a brief silence and the phone hung up.
i got a call back a while later, telling me that she hadn't meant to answer, she was on her calculator and accidentally picked up.  she asked why i was still up, told her i was in the process of sleeping and was about to go back to sleep.
when i texted her 'good morning' today, there was no affection attached.  just told her i'd be by at 9 to  pick her up for our trip to Ravenna.  i called about 815 or so to ascertain she was woke.  i was troubled, though.  i was not functioning well at all.  part of it was the dream i'd had last night.

some dreams are so real that they remain disturbing for days after you have them.  i have dreams that are sometimes portents, though i know that  sounds like some psychic mumbo-jumbo.  i can tell you this, however:  every dream i've ever remembered has had a significance to the life i was about to start living.  every one.  and one tarot card reading, but that's a different story.  i had a dream once of being stung to death by a swarm of bees, and it was a dream about a woman i was seeing who was doing a lot of foul shit behind my back.  this dream was, in its own way, worse.
i had a dream that my penis simply fell off.  no blood, no violence, no pain, no arteries or veins.  just plopped off, much to my surprise and chagrin.  i picked it up, put it in my jacket pocket (old style windbreaker) and trotted off to find a doctor to reattach it.  i ended up on the east side, by the old bargain port which is now a flea market.  then i was in one of my old neighborhoods, and i ran across an old acquaintance's children, twin girls, who were glad to see me and said their mother had told them i no longer wanted to be bothered with them.  i didn't throw the mom, a RF from a lifetime ago, feels like now, but i did say that wasn't true and i was very happy to see them.  but when i saw their mother coming out of their house, i turned and walked away, angry because she had lied to her children about me.  i never did find a hospital or doctor.  the dream ended with me waking confused and making certain my penis was still attached (of course).

the ride to Ravenna was mostly silence.  R started, getting in the car, saying that first off she was apologizing; that she shouldn't be discussing my business with her children, and she shouldn't be entertaining her children's opinions about my business.  i said nothing until we were on the highway.  i asked her, because it was what i was feeling most, if she thought my plan was stupid.  she said she didn't think it was stupid; she felt it hadn't been well thought out.  i told her that her talking to her children didn't bother me so much as hearing her talking about my plans, hearing her tone, or content, whichever it was, made me feel she thought the plan was stupid, made me think maybe my plan WAS stupid.  i told her i'd had a bad dream, but not what it was.  something told me that was not a good idea.  i told her i accepted her apology, to not worry about it.
we finished the trip in silence.  she'd make small talk, i'd respond, and we'd return to silence.  i dropped her back at home.  i went back to my parent's house.  i got some taco bell, ate lunch and talked to Lonnie about the whole thing, processing what i could.  then i took a nap.  i had dinner when i got up, watched some television, i rode with my dad to attempt to fix a leak at our old house, his rental property, and i just finished sweeping and mopping the floor.  its after 10.  i did call R, but got no answer, not surprising.  i only called because i know i don't want to be angry, and i don't want to be hurt.  hurt moreso.  but the thing is, why?
hence, the number line.  see, R is a lot of things.  she has never said she was going to be 100 percent available.  but she tries.  she's never said she would be motivated to help me.  but she's tried.  she is what she is; depressed, escapist, anxious, but kind, sweet and in truth amazing in her creative and imaginative abilities...when she chooses to access them.  the truth is, i love her.  but i've never asked her for anything.  i can say these things here.  i've done all i can to help her, not to curry favors, but to offer an example of support out of love.  when you love someone, you do for them.  i support her.  emotionally and mentally.  i THOUGHT she supported me.  i THOUGHT she believed in what i was trying to accomplish.  i don't even personally think that everything i've done has been meticulously thought out.  i just pray, look at options, make decisions and attempt to live with the decisions i make, knowing tomorrow there will be a whole new set of decisions to consider.  so i wouldn't sit now and say, yeah, i'm so sure this path is right.  i live with anxiety every day.  i fight with my ego telling me this is one more failure EVERY DAY.  i fight with the growing notion that checking out would be the right thing to do, EVERY DAY.  i am back among my primary demons, they are alive and well here.  i help my parents and they both balk every step of the way. family issues abound.  its not my job to fix shit, and i can't fix anything.  but it is my duty, my responsibility, to deal with what i can.  it is weighty.  and the only respite has been the work of writing, of trying to build something that will pay off one day.
i don't require her belief.  i will continue on, with or without her.  but i am sad to know that i can be casually tossed about, in what sounded like condescending tones, to her children, who are insulting and indifferent to her most days. like i'm a chip on the table she's playing to try to stay in the game for her children's respect.  and that's not going to get it.

i would like a good night's sleep.  i'd like to not dream.  i'd like to not remember.  but still, the trip was successful, the next step has been taken and i'm moving toward starting this new job at the end of April.  i am grateful for the provisions from my God.  and the rest is temporary anyway.

stuffed like a goddamned glutton...happy Sunday!

http://www.capenews.net/mashpee/news/local-jehovah-s-witnesses-defend-brothers-sisters-in-russia/article_8ded88c2-ee9b-54e5-9dd7-f85373695c63.html

so, the day is just about over.  i got in my first grill of the year, not on my own grill, not at my own home, but it was worth it.  a lovely afternoon, a good meal and a perfect sweet potato pie.  who could ask for anything more?

i didn't do the whole thing today.  i prayed, but i didn't do my reading.  i got up and took a shower and i groomed and got myself ready to go to the Hall.  my mom got up and started getting herself together, but i think she backed out because my aunt wasn't going and my mom was forcing herself because she was going to check on my aunt.  i decided i was going anyway.  also decided i wasn't going to make anything for the potluck at the meeting.

the Hall was good.  always good to see someone keeping a lesson relevant and pertinent to things that are going on today.  especially with the global news that Putin is in the process of banning Jehovah's Witnesses in Russia.  i stayed woke mostly through the Watchtower.  don't know if i'm going to the Memorial, haven't decided yet.  then i went to my meeting.  it wasn't bad, doing the prefaces to the different editions of the Big Book, and next week will be the Doctor's Opinion.  people tend to overlook these things, but it's because we want the convenience of a pristine history.  it's the American way, maybe just a human thing.  people don't want to see how racist AA was in the beginning, anymore than they want to see the racism of the JW's or any other organization.  and Indians (Native people to this continent) were savages, and blacks were happy singing lazy shiftless children who only wanted to fry chicken and eat white women, and Chinese were shifty and 'inscrutable', and so on and so on.  but, i like the history.  because with the history, you see the progress, and an honest history creates a significant view of the progress and a good map of a possible future.

anyway, i came home.  i got dinner done.  just finished eating too much.  my sweet potato pie is divine.  i am paranoid about the chicken.  area of contention, between myself and my father.  when i was learning to cook my dad was a horrible critic, or a very good critic, depending on how you choose to interpret.  and because chicken was one of the hardest things for me to learn, i went through a lot of grief about it with him.  so today, even though i cook a wonderful chicken, i am apprehensive each time i cook chicken with him in mind.  but there are always parts of being children that we never really get completely over.

i have to go to Ravenna with Rachel tomorrow to do the rest of the I-9 stuff for the Amazon job.  i have to get a good night's sleep, and i'd like to get to the gym, so i feel like my day is pretty much done.  i am so grateful, it was a very good day, and i know i've been blessed.  Thank you, Jehovah, and may your spirit be with those suffering political persecution.

surrealism

some days you have to just take as if they are only partially real.  you can't put a lot of stock into them as far as their validity, because they have very little.  they are surreal, at best.  but when you do get a chance to look back on them, there are still the lessons that had to be learned, and the changes that will need to be made as a result.  that's what the Journey is all about, after all.

i got sleep, but not deep, restful sleep as i was hoping.  the video was okay, just couldn't get all the way under.  i don't know why.  but i prayed, though i didn't do my readings.  and i got some clothes on, as i knew i was going to get moving soon after i got up.  Rachel had texted me good morning, and we'd spoken early and throughout the day.  she's dealing with stuff still, and she tries so hard to remain cordial.  it's not easy for her, and i'm not going to try to personalize things.  she's not being mean, just focused on other things, and that's how it should be when you've got problems you're wrestling with.

personally, i got up and i got to the store and got some breakfast stuff.  i'd decided on friday i wasn't cooking dinner today.  i have no problem with the cooking, since i'm here.  but i want them, my mom especially, to still be able to fend for herself when she has to.  and i want my dad to eat more.  he got a tiny, leftover piece of chicken yesterday, skipping the plate that was in the microwave for him.  so i fixed breakfast for us.  put his in the microwave.  got the dishes washed.  i didn't have a lot of detail stuff that i was doing, just stuff.  i took my cousin's son to work.  i finished my paperwork for Amazon.  i did some logistics for bringing my own computer system over here to do my job on, and the likelihood of setting up Z-Phyles in the basement here, which would allow me to stay close to my parents on my work days.  i took TF to see a car which she ended up buying, though i don't know that i honestly would have.  but she needs a vehicle and it did run and it functioned mostly.  i talked to Lonnie a couple times.  i saw my brother and my sister.  i talked to someone at Aldi's and got a suggestion for Syd to put her app in online and the person i talked to would see to it being pulled.

that's the surrealism, a big part of it anyway.  i feel as if i've accomplished nothing.  looking at it, i did way more than i'd planned on.  it's not good, but it will do for now.  i'm going to have to get some rest, but i have pies in the oven.  i'm grilling tomorrow.  i'm going to the Hall if i can, to my meeting as well.  i'm going to get ready for Ravenna monday.  i am grateful, because i see my dad trying to let go, i see my mom trying to let go.  i see things balancing out.  i am not the reason for that balance; that belongs to God.  but i am a part of the balancing, and i am blessed and honored by that.  i'm going to shut this down soon.

uneventfulness.

it's been a longish day.  i am lying on this futon at the moment, listening to jazz on WYSU, which is a nice run on a Friday night.  i've a need for some sleep, but only coming to time to actually indulge in that after i write this entry, 2033 in military time.

i woke before my alarm today, thought about not going to the gym but was up and dressed, almost on auto-pilot.  i went downstairs, had some water, heated my car and cleaned off the April snow (yes, irony/sarcasm) and went to the gym.  i did the treadmill; no furtive people today, for which i was happy.  talked to Rose at the front desk as i was leaving.  i went to McD's and got coffee for my mother and myself, and came back to the house, fixed my coffee, got water, took my meds and insulin.  i'd prayed and read before i got downstairs.  TF had texted me during the night to ask if i could take her daughter to school, i told her i'd have to have there there early.  i left at 8, intending to go for breakfast at BK before picking the child up, but i got a text asking if i had time to take TP to get coffee.  since i needed gas anyway, i said yes, bypassed my breakfast, got gas, took her for coffee, came back to get her daughter and took her to school.  i stopped at Subway for breakfast, saw Lena from the meetings working, and though she hooked me up with massive steak and egg flatbread sandwiches, she talked me into being a bit late for counseling.

at counseling i was exhausted but it was good to be there.  talked about family things, religious observances and some losses.  i went to my parent's house after that, heated my sandwich, ate brunch and took a small nod in the living room chair.  there wasn't much more eventfulness in the day.  talked to parents, got them fed as far as dinner goes, watched some television, started planning out my set-up for my computer in the basement here, took a nap, talked to Keith and Lonnie and Rachel.  messed around online a bit.  ate dinner.  i'm now about to find some good sleep video, turn off the radio and crash deep and long for the night.  i'm grateful, as it was a peaceful day.  it was cold, it snowed, it was a grey day.  but i have shelter, i'm fed and i have a comforter to wrap up in.  good stuff.  thank you, Father.

ER followup and date night reflections

i come home to find military action being taken against Syria.  i'm not surprised, but i know this is just more meat thrown into a cage of idiotic, rabid wild dogs.  the world is scary, and i am not afraid, just sad.

anyway, today started very well.  i got a great night's sleep, took Rachel's suggestion to use the binaural beats video on Youtube.  slept the night through.  woke and prayed and read and got dressed for the gym.  i got to the gym on time, did weights but didn't overdo it, came back to the house, got my shower and got my coffee and my mother's done.  i took my meds, my insulin, had my second fish from yesterday for breakfast and got myself together for my appointment with my cardiologist.

i got an ekg and it was good, and my blood pressure was spot on.  i got more samples of my new blood thinner and a script for more.  again i returned to the house, my dad was gone to an appointment with my brother driving him, and i had a little bit of lunch, as i knew i was going to dinner with Rachel and i didn't want to not be able to eat as i wanted.

i picked up Rachel about 5p, we went to Olive Garden, had a good dinner and good conversation, and then went through Gabe's store to kill some time.  i was looking for a stuffed animal for Rachel, but they didn't have one.  we went to the movie, had a decent time, and then i took her home.  it was a nice evening; the best part of course being spending some time with her.  i miss hanging with her.

i am going to the gym in the morning, treadmill day.  i'm going to counseling, thank heavens.  i'm going to start working on what comes next as far as the Amazon job goes.  and i'm going to take it easy, think about the woman i adore, and start making some plans for my coming birthday.  not great plans, just plans.  i am grateful for a good day, and i thank my Father for his blessing.

Vigilance (God's will WILL be done)

so, today was still slow motion.  at the moment, i'm trying my best to head toward my bed.  i've been ON, all day.  i mean, it's like hyper-vigilance all over again.  like when Syd was a baby still, and you had to have all your senses tuned in, even in sleep.  but it is good to know that i still can.

today i didn't go to the gym.  i got up slow, moving with the speed of unwillingness.  i said a prayer, sitting on the side of the futon and bowing my head, as i was having leg cramps and didn't want to tempt my traitorous leg muscles.  i didn't get downstairs til after 7, and that was only because i knew i had to get the meeting open.  the new secretary texted me early, had a job he needed to do because he needed the money.  NBD, it ain't like i'm not used to doing this shit myself right now.  but the doors stay open, and if anyone needs the information we disseminate, we definitely do.

i had a late breakfast.  i spent the early part of the morning trying to coordinate rides for my dad.  my mom had Deedy take her to her doctor's appointment.  my dad was planning on doing all his running by himself.  i told him he was being stubborn and that was not a good thing.  eventually, he had Jerry take him to Warren, so that's some progress.

i'd read my meditation books and my daily phone scripture but not my bible.  always skipping something.  my ankles hurt all the time now.  that's kind of new too.  i got dressed and had coffee and breakfast eventually and once i saw everyone on their routine i headed to the meeting.

it was a small meeting, as they mostly are there now.  2nd step, one of my favorites.  the chairperson, sorry, chairWOMAN, did a good job.  i went to the store from the meeting and got the stuff for a chicken Parmesan. i came back here to an empty house, and i started prepping, listening to James Brown and similar funk, and just grooving in my cooking zone.  then my mom came.  i was talking to Rachel when she got back, blowing her horn at me to ask what i wanted for lunch as she'd go get it.  i settled on the 2 for 5 fish flatbreads from Arby's and got back to cooking.  my dad came and left quickly, and i worked on dinner.  i talked to my mom, she is going for a new sleep study, will likely end up with a new C-Pap.  that's a good thing.  my dad got in as i was done cooking, and i took him back to Giant Eagle to pick up prescriptions and some other things.  when we got back i fixed plates for he and my mother, got my own plate and finished.  i went online to do the I-9 paperwork for Amazon and schedule taking my citizenship documents to Ravenna for their approval.  talked to Rachel several times.  eventually, i asked her if she wanted to do dinner and a movie tomorrow and she said sure.

i have washed the dishes and put the food away.  my dad is watching the Cavs game.  my mom is in the process of nodding off.  i am tired.  i am going to go and finish making my bed, and i'm going to lay down and read some more of this Alice Walker.  i have my cardiologist visit tomorrow.  i plan to go lift at the gym in the morning.  i actually feel pretty good, though i am very tired.  but that's part of living now.  realizing things change simply because you live.  you die, and everything stops changing for you.  you live, and the world changes you and you change yourself and the world changes itself.

i have moments where i look in the mirror and i still see the sad kid that is framed in plastic on my parent's living room wall.  and there are times when i look in the mirror and i don't recognize a damn thing on my face.  weariness.  toothless. sorrow more than sadness.  resignation.  whatever was intelligence is now bordering on madness in an insane world.  but i keep looking.  because we are not cured; what we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual conditioning.  eternal vigilance, if i want to die sober and sane.  but i thank God that His will is done, and that i have learned, at least in hindsight, to see His amazing artistry in the midst of man's mundanity.  Good night.