slow...

i have had a day of lethargic proportions, literally.  something has changed, and i have to get a grasp on it, and soon.
start with getting up.  i had no intention on going to the gym today.  i started the day well enough, a prayer, reading at least my daily scripture that pops up on my phone.  i got up and went to get things started, but decided that wasn't really the way to start the day.  so i went downstairs, got some water, reset the wifi router and went back to the attic to sleep.  i woke again at about 8 and officially got it shaking.
i heated water for my aunt, heated my mother's coffee and started planning out breakfast.  i decided on omelets, and got my stuff together for that preparation.  my mom was first out, she was very disoriented and i told her she might want to consider a sleep study and a c-pap, as she is likely not getting enough air when she sleeps and that may be contributing to her disorientation.  she didn't really consider it, but i did tell her to think about it.  i got my dad's breakfast done first as he said he'd be down to eat it later, with his stomach bothering him when he woke.  i got my mom's next and then mine and got my mom seated to eat.  she continued to question everything i was doing and i guess perhaps the thing from yesterday was making me more irritable than usual, because i went into the living room with my food and ate.  i tried a reset, asking if she'd take the rest of the chicken i'd got and make chicken salad.  she makes a wonderful chicken salad, as a sandwich prep, and she said she would.  i wanted her to do something that she is good at and that she enjoys, i guess.  she was having a hard time so i ran some things through the chopper for her before i left to tend to my own well being.
i went to rite aid and then to walgreen because the first had none of my new med and the second only had a tiny bit.  i called my cardiologist and left a message to schedule for a follow up from the ER.  i got my gout med from rite aid, went to get coffee from mcdonalds and talked to Rachel.  i apologized for my mood the last several days, and she asked if i could give her a ride to counseling.  i told her i'd be there about quarter to noon and went back to my parent's house.  i took the rest of my meds (took my insulin before dinner), had coffee, drank water and got my shit gathered and left.  i stopped on the south side at a McD's for Rachel's coffee, picked her up and took her to counseling.  when she was done, i took her to get some lunch, we went thrifting at Goodwill and we went to my  parent's house.
my mom doesn't really have an off button.  i know this is true.  but i thought perhaps, with Rachel being there for her to engage in, she wouldn't do the emotional fishing thing that she does all the time.  Wrong.  and my irritability was getting worse.  i was winded, i was tired and i felt like she was grating against my nerve.  so i let them hang out in my mother's bedroom and i sat on the couch in the living room, watching television, thinking and relaxing.  i took Rachel home about 6, came back home, had some leftover beef stew, didn't say much to my mom and now am about to go to sleep.
i don't know what the irritability is.  it is not new.  it is as old as our family dynamic.  but being here, living here, i'm immersed in it.  i could get away by staying away, but that's a poor resolution.  we're too close to the end of our roads for that.  so i have to work on patience.  i have to continue to try to get her to see what i'm talking about, how it affects me, and give her time to respond.  or not, however she is able.  i can't plan the results.  but i am currently isolating away from them, and that's not going to resurface as a habit again.  i am grateful to God for this day.

...well, at least this time i have an excuse...

you know, life is funny. but its rarely funny in a way that makes you want to laugh.  more like, its funny in a way that makes you think, makes you ponder and makes you...careful.  and that's not really funny at all, but sometimes you laugh to keep from screaming.  or maybe that's just me.

i have been feeling as if i were getting sick for several days now.  i've placed it on all kinds of things.  i've felt maybe it was the weather.  maybe it was whatever Syd had.  some kind of viral thing going around, big flu outbreak, everyone sick.  why wouldn't i get sick too?  i went to the gym on tuesday, because monday i just didn't have the energy.  wednesday, yesterday, i went outside and walked.  walked the driveway first, then i walked the street up to Walmart driveway and back, walked the driveway again and came in.  i'd had a gout flare again and just wanted to work the stiffness out.  it helped quite a bit, but i also took a shitload of cold meds, slept a lot of the day away and was not in the best of moods.

that was yesterday.  today, i woke up, again feeling drained.  i got up and said prayers, i didn't do my readings though.  i went down the stairs, took a shower, had coffee, had a pancake and eggs for breakfast, watched some television.  but i was not tracking well at all. went to put on water for my aunt's tea; put the eye on under the skillet i'd washed instead.  didn't even realize it; my aunt came down the stairs and asked if i wanted her to turn it off.  i got coffee made for my mother, but i couldn't fix breakfast for anyone.  i had a doctor's appointment today, i figured whatever was going on i'd get some resolution there.  i left early, felt winded and sluggish and drained on the drive to warren.

i made it to my appointment, did paperwork, got my vitals done and saw the NP.  A1C and blood sugar good, blood pressure was a bit elevated.  i was just there to get prescriptions filled.  turned out, i ended up going to the emergency room at St. E's.  i was having an irregular heartbeat, severe enough that the NP said i was going to the hospital and i'd likely be staying.

i called Lonnie on my way over and he said he'd ride up with me.  called Rachel but it went right to voice mail.  I went to my parent's house first, to get some shorts and a tee-shirt and slippers, and my phone charger.  didn't want to worry my parents until they had to be worried.  i picked up Lonnie and went to the ER.  they got my information, i was irritable off jump.  then i bypassed the triage and went right into a trauma room.  now, that's not as bad as it sounds.  they were PACKED, and they wanted to get me somewhere they could check on my heart and work if they had to.  had a regular ER room been available, i would have been there.

but i was in worse shape than i knew.  i was in A-Fib, and they hit me with some Cardizem, which got my heart beating in its entirety again.  the rest was routine for an ER visit.  a line in my arm, EKG and BP and a pulse-ox on the finger.  took me eventually to a regular ER room, after telling me i'd be staying at least overnight.  saw my cardiologist and his own NP, a few doctors and many nurses.  their assessment is, the aspirin that i'd been taking had not been as effective, therefore my heart was susceptible to A-Fib as the aspirin wasn't thinning the blood as it needed to be.  but at the same time, they were worried i might have some clotting in my heart, due to the unthinned blood.  so, observation, saline drip.  questions.  eventually they fed me.  decided to change me from aspirin to Xarelto, but they were going to go with a blood thinner that would cost me $600 plus for a 30 day supply.  thank heavens that didn't happen, because i've got another year paying on my death arrangements before i can die and not have to worry about the balance on the bill.

so, i'm at my parent's house now.  Rachel and i are in some weird space.  i assume she had planned not to go to the OCCHA event, but she only told me she wasn't feeling well.  i'd already texted her telling her i wasn't going to go, as i was going to the ER.  i don't know, but i'm thinking about a lot of things in that area right now.  regardless, ISOHYET is ready in Kindle and almost ready with Create Space.  my prescriptions will be filled tomorrow and i'm about ready to go to bed, to get my self some rest and start my day with deliberation and decision.  i am grateful to Jehovah God.  i could be dead right now.  that's the honest truth.  and i'd have only thought i had a touch of the flu.  time to stop being stupid to stay in the running with certain individuals.  that's unhealthy.  later.

the eye of someone else's storm

i am very tired.  it seems that things are still not completely in my grasp.  progress, however, is being made, and as long as that is true i will attempt to stay diligent on this course.  it is, however, very challenging at times...

so i got up this morning.  it was very early, as i beat my alarm clock and turned it off.  i did the right things in the right order.  i said my prayers, did my readings, gathered up bedsheets and clothes and took a load downstairs.  i washed the clothes and put them in the dryer before i went to the gym.  i also got to the gym, did weights today.  when i came home i got the clothes from the dryer, took my insulin and pills and had water and a second cup of coffee.  i went to pick up TF's daughter and take her to school.  i was prepared to go downtown and see about the storefront as my locale for filming, but i didn't really see me doing this stuff in the rain, so i left it alone.  got some breakfast and came back home.
i was congested, weary and sore, but i felt good.  i'd started the day right.  i'd gotten stuff for chili dogs for the family and i went back home.  that was kind of the end of my forward momentum.
i will have to tell you about the drama in the a.m., as i know i'm not long for the night and concentration is very hard.  but Jehovah, i am truly grateful for n new day.

a day off (slow regeneration)

this is monday again.
i did not get a good start to the day.  granted, i said my prayers, i read my meditation, i took my meds and my insulin, my reading was good on my glucose.  had breakfast.  but i got up at 9, or so.  turned off my ringing alarm.  didn't bother with the gym, like i didn't bother with the meeting yesterday.  just laid in bed, thinking, processing, feeling sort of bummed out.
i finally got up and got that shit done.  not the gym though.
i got out the house for the first time because Syd's school called and she was not feeling well.  i went to get her, no questions.  took her home, got my mail, my check from JCC was there, as well as my new debit card and password.  went to take care of that business.  deposited the check.  then i went back home for a bit.  i had been working on my new poetry collection most of the day, so that was my meditation of sorts, i guess.  Lonnie called and asked did i want to do lunch and i said sure.  i went to pick him up at one and realized i'd left my phone by the computer.  wool gathering to extremes.  got my phone, got Lonnie, went to lunch, told him how i'm seeing some good changes in Syd, talked about some family things, then i dropped him back on campus and went back to the house.  good to have a friend.
talked to Rachel couple times.  subdued on my end, but i'm not trying to engage her too much.  bitterness does something weird to me right now.  i need to get my thoughts tracked back out so i can deal with things again, but for now she is very much in a neutral zone.  figure at the beginning of the month she'll be back at the casino and she's going to put herself back in bad space.  that's my assessment.  but, maybe she'll win big.  or maybe she won't go.
i've chilled most of the evening.  i ate, watched some of a movie with my mother, worked some more on the book.  it didn't format correctly so i'm going to work it out tomorrow.  going to gym.  going to check on spot downtown for my Youngstown Organix idea.  going to do things.  because that's the only way things get done.

life is strange.  i am grateful though.  the ordinary would drive me crazy.  thank you, Father.

supertired

so, the day is almost over.  the weekend is almost over too.  it's a bit of a chore, but life goes on, right?
not a long blog today.  prayed but didn't read, didn't do meeting, didn't do Hall.  swept and mopped upstairs bathroom and kitchen, mopped down basement stairs, took trash out.  cooked dinner for my family.  beef roast and mashed potatoes and broccoli and cheese.  bread pudding and sauce for dessert.  my sugar is likely at resentful levels, but the pudding was good.  talked to Rachel, still getting the sense of some kind of distance.  talked to Lonnie, he's doing okay.  i'm tired, down deep.  full, sleepy and yet restless.  did the order list for the poems to go into ISOHYET.  it will be a nice poetry collection that will likely not sell at all.  about to go upstairs, gonna call Rachel before i shut it down.  gym tomorrow.  hope i hear from JCC soon; money is non-existent now.  but, i'm taken care of.  have what i need.  feel like a million pennies, which is still a bit of money...feel like 10 grand or so.  that's a good sum for me.  thank you, Father, for a peaceful day.

tensions

i feel the creativity coming back, and that's a good thing.  but life right now all seems to be at a cost, and i'm not sure how much i'm digging dealing with that.  but it is what it is, and nothing is going to change that, is it?

i got up this morning, thought about taking a walk and decided against it.  no reason, sleeping in seemed a better option.  not for long though. said my prayers, sitting on the side of the futon because my legs were cramping a bit.  i did my readings, moving slowly.  i got my shower stuff gathered and i made my way downstairs.  first floor, took my shower, put on water, had my coffee and water, took meds, wrote one poem.  started on a second, got a text of 'good morning' from Rachel.  texted her back, and she called and i went upstairs as i didn't want to wake anyone.  talked to her for awhile, then i was out of my rhythm of writing.  had a piece of a poem, but i didn't have a flow to finish it so i disposed of it.  better than the one i had finished but overwrote on saving it from yesterday and lost it to the computer vaporland.

after i got off the phone, i came  downstairs again and made myself breakfast.  ham & egg omelet and oatmeal.  i watched some television with my aunt asleep on the couch.  i had planned to see my sponsor, so after a point i went back upstairs, got into some clothes and got it in gear to head out.  it was after 11, and i made my way to Boardman.

Johnnie seemed in good spirits, though Nancy didn't.  i'm pretty sure i'm the reason for that.  I should be visiting him more, and i don't.  i am not being a good friend, i know.  i don't know what the problem is.  its hard seeing him sick, but nowhere near as hard as it must be for him to be sick.  but i spent time, we talked about a lot of things, and i left after a few hours.  i went to taco bell and got some lunch.  i came in the house, my brother was leaving, usual activity, i went upstairs after watching the beginning of the Godfather and took a brief nap.

Lonnie called me this evening asking if i wanted to meet for coffee.  we met at Dunkin Donuts and sat outside and worked on some questions for the Youngstown Organix branch of the new process for the publishing service.  saw an accident in front of Handels.  watched and talked and got the notion he was doing as well as could be considering.  then i came home again.  my mom was watching a movie.  i went up just a few ago, finished my grooming by shaving face and head.  there is no Hall tomorrow, as the congregation is at an Assembly.  don't know if i am going to the meeting or not, haven't decided yet.  have beef roasts in the crock pot, cooking overnight for tomorrow's dinner.  i want to get some rest.  i want to get to work.

talked to Rachel again this evening.  she is restless, she sounds irritable.  i know the gambling thing is still on her.  i'm not trying to get with her very hard, because i don't want residual and manufactured presence.  she wants to numb, it seems, to not deal with the shit going on with her.  so i'm getting a sort of effervescence from our conversations, but there is little substance.  best to just maintain and wait.  will she run?  will she bulk up and do what must be done?

found out an associate from back in the high school days passed recently, apparently.  saw it on a friend's FB page.  i'm still never sure of procedure when you get second hand knowledge about the death of someone you really didn't care for or about one way or another.  i'm not glad he's dead. just was not one of the people i would have ever had a heart to heart with about anything.

i am restless.  one thing Rachel asked that does irritate me is if i'm using my meditation vids to sleep.  i am not ungrateful.  i don't have to be here, but i am.  my dad and mom don't have to let me stay here, but they do.  i contribute, but i am 48, be 49 in about three weeks.  being in my parent's house at this age is pretty unacceptable for me.  but i am getting to look after them.  getting to help out.  getting to see to their well-being, to an extent.  its not my home, though.  it's not my bed; its a futon.  i don't want to make myself 'at home', i don't want to lull myself with binaural beats and 9 hour relaxation videos.  that was for my huge bed in my small bedroom.  and she knows what i mean, so she keeps asking.  i don't know.  i'm restless.  i wish i was in my own bed.  i don't feel like a failure, i just feel...homeless.  can you feel one without feeling the other?  maybe i'm just lying to myself.  regardless, today is the gift from God i was given, and i am grateful for all that i've gotten done today.  i'm not going to piss on a blessing from my Father or my father.  not going to happen.

coming back

i posted a bit of a rant earlier, just something i was thinking about as i started my day.  now i am going to log the doings of this day, get myself settled in for a movie and get ready to put it down for the night.
couple things i learned along the way, and that always makes me happy, to know that i am capable of learning and changing.
i got up and started well.  said my prayer, turned off the alarm before it rang, read my books, gathered up my clothes and went downstairs.  i put a load in the wash, took my glucose reading and made my coffee and got water.  i had my clothes in the dryer before i went to the gym.
this was a weight day, so i didn't come in paying attention to the girl  on the tradmill, but i noticed she was on the 2nd one, not the one i usually get on.  it made me think about my thoughts from yesterday.  are we as unobserved as we think we are; are we as pre-judged as we sometimes feel?  she was on the alt-treadmill.  i kept it moving to the butterfly press machine.  a guy whose name i dont' know said "Hello, Tim", as he has before.  i spoke to him and realized i have no idea what his name is.  that lead to my introspection.  i rail against the silent people who seem to want to ignore me and leave me culled from the herd.  i don't speak on someone kind enough to know and remember my name, who i don't even bother to know who he is.  it doesn't mean my conclusions are erroneous; it means i have to check myself still, that never ends.  and i have to do better, which i hope i started by asking the woman about her headphones and starting a conversation with her.

i went to counseling today, went to take pictures at an abandoned business on Andrews, as well as in Wick and Crandall parks.  i got stuff for the house.  i paid my phone bill.  i took my aunt to the ER for her back.  i made CD's for my brother's friend.  saw Syd for a minute.  had lunch and dinner.  cooked for the house.  now i'm going to go to sleep, and i'm going to hope that the day begins well and that i remember my gratitude for all the blessings that have come my way.  i am grateful, God has blessed me, and i am sleepy and must end this now.  good night.

...VERY LONG PIECE (you've been forewarned)

...in a previous incarnation, I had a page called the 'Z-Esoterica'. it still exists; my brother Lando Gale is the admin there now. i had to leave my Facebook page because of the toxicity and stupidity of people battling over the nuances of hate, and it was distracting me from my publishing service business. however, it was a page of provoking thought. That is a great thing, in my esteem; to bring about the desire for thought, to get people processing information and coming to conclusions, rather than jumping off the lemming-cliff of what sounds clever or catchy and forming their lives and online identities around bullshit that has no substance. if this irks you, you're welcome.

anyway, i was at the gym this morning, managing my fat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! whooooo...good times. yes, i was at the gym, and i was thinking about regret. (i wake up and force my brain to conceptualize, because it gets me focused on critical thinking, and it's more fun than crossword puzzles. ) i was thinking how, when you run down your wall, you can see a lot of really empowering statements from a lot of people who may or may not really be on that page in their real world life. and, as a recovering addict/alcoholic of no particular fellowship (Tradition RESPECT, MOFOS!) i thought about my own regrets, about how i am now in a very transitional place and yet i don't feel as if i'm making mistakes, as if i'm fucking up, to put it bluntly. and as i reflected on this, i realized there is a process, and that might just help some people. and as human concerns, it is our job to help when we can, how we can, though many of us have forgotten this.

see, when you choose to get sober through 12 step means (which the recovery network tries to cast aspersions on now; the easier, softer way as the new way of getting 'cured') you have to clear away the debris of your life, and that debris exists first in your mind, then in your physical environment. like cleaning a particularly filthy, poorly maintained house. you first have to have a starting place and a plan, and if you plan well and start strong, the work gets done pretty easily, right? that's what the discover/discard part of the program has been for me. and at this phase of my life, i don't really have a bunch of regrets. and this is how that happened for me. thanks to Johnnie C, to the Olde Tymers who mentored my immature self into 'putting away childish things', and to Jehovah God first and foremost, so you don't think i'm just so damn clever, cause i don't)

regrets can be seen as question marks, hanging from the ceiling of one's mind. they are suppositions and hypothesis, the 'what would have happened', lingering as an echo in the conscious, unconscious and subconscious mind. most of us, or many of us to be more accurate, learn to simply push those back into the closet, but the residual effect, the radiation they give off, tends to permeate our important actions, and then we see self-sabotage, an inability to have anyone close to us for any length of time, a toxicity toward self that damages our own perception of who we are, a constant need to justify and a constant urge to flee when it feels as if the walls are closing in. maybe there are other manifestations of that resonance, but those are the ones i used to experience most profoundly.

what helped me was looking carefully at those regrets, those question marks hanging from the ceiling of my mind, and (starting place and plan), prioritizing the elimination process accurately.

okay, dig. i got rid of a whole slew of them right off the bat, by looking at the ones that could not be changed even if my actions changed that very minute. things i'd done, things that were done to me, the immutable history of my life. i couldn't, and can't, change any of that stuff. mistakes i made and the effects they had on me, i can't change. in a 12 step program, there's ownership, acknowledgement to damaged parties and restitution where possible, but for removing regret, there's just seeing them clearly for what they are. example: I am a divorcee. I began a relationship with a woman who was new in her recovery, and to justify my bullshit, I married her. We ended up divorced. A failure among failures that haunted me for a long time. in the sense of removing that question mark, I will always be divorced from her. even were we to remarry, we will have been divorced (we'll never remarry, by the way. she is married now and, i assume, happily so, as she deserves). since there is nothing i can do about that as a fact, i throw that question mark away. What would life be if i had no children? Moot; i have kids, so there's no point living that question. in the trash with it.

you'd be amazed how much you can get rid of when you look at those kinds of regrets clearly.

next, there is the mutable questions. (mutable: liable to change) like going to the gym. i can't change that i lived my life as a fat person. i can change if i choose to live the rest of my life as an unhealthy, immobile, weak and undisciplined person. i have that choice. so, if i open myself to address that question, it stops being a question. do i choose to discipline myself to the gym? it may not mean i'll not be fat, but it sure has meant i have my mobility, my health is better, my glucose readings are better without as much insulin, my mood is better. question answered. those kinds of question marks take more time, but the answering of those questions not only remove their marks on the ceiling, they promote growth, change and self-awareness. and those things REMOVE REGRET. dig?

now, the last ones, the ones that remain after the immutable and the mutable have been removed, these are actually the hardest to fuck with. i think of them as the Hypotheticals. Existentialism force-fed crack and steroids and let loose on the psyche. because they are all future based. they are truly rooted in a damaged perspective, usually not created by self but adopted into a language that the self most easily understands. 'What would happen if..." well, there's only two things that can happen...you either do 'IF' and find out, perhaps creating more regret, or you don't do 'IF' and never find out, perhaps creating more regret. there is also the possibility of satisfaction, but it is a gambling with one's own spirit as the last thing of value thrown into the pot. and these games are rigged; why else would one end up in a life with so many regrets?

i can only address this question with my current experience. i have found myself 'housing-compromised'. life got away from me, trying to maintain life. so i have some debts that i want to tend to, i have a child about to graduate, i have a business that really needs an advertising budget that has to wait. i have books for sale which would generate income, but its hard to get people to forward information for me because i can plan a plan, but i have no control over the results, favorable or otherwise. and my child, in the process of becoming a legal adult, doing what teen-agers do (don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows), was planning to start adding question marks of the immutable kind and without the skills to deal with them.

i made a decision. strangest decision in my life, but in the Hypotheticals, you can act off-script, such as it were, as long as you do the Hippocratic oath thing: first do no harm.

i turned over the home my child and i have had for the past almost six years to she and her significant other. i have moved out, with the plan to go from place to place and work on promoting myself, my writing and my business. at the moment, i am at my parent's home because that decision, while made during spring weather, led me right into snow and cold. but this is also part of the Hypotheticals, because i've found my parents really need someone to do some things for them, things i couldn't see when i was just immersed in my own life. And in the process of continuing to advance, continuing to do the life stuff to get my life back, things are still changing. and, so it's not thought to be a complete loss of senses, there is shelter at the end of this road for me. a house that i am waiting for. a house being made ready for me.

child safe, rent paid, parent's tended to, book and business promoted, belongings safe, a home at the end of this road, learning, growing, hell, teaching even. why would i not start the process of removing that question mark? why would i have a regret about not being more than i am, or feeling like i am less than i should be?

we are human vehicles that are spirit driven. life is just the road that our bodies have to run to get us all to our final destination. a life of wondering 'what if' and 'how come' and 'what would have happened' is a life that is in large percentage wasted. there is a way to live without more regret than necessary. talk to those you should talk to. apologize to those you've wronged. forgive those you can and forget those you can't. let go of the resentments against people who will never see their own wrongs, because that chains you to a vat of nuclear waste. and for God's sake, love yourself. LOVE your SELF. because if you can't do that one thing, for real, not for Facebook, but for REAL, how the fuck do you expect anyone else to love you? love has depth and roots in aquifers as ancient as the earth itself. if all you have is surface, the elements of life will tear you down, and all that will remain...

is regret.

Aspire Higher.

early finish, i suppose...

well, before i lose my focus and go off on some completely unrelated shit, i may as well get this in, get it down and done.  it's been an okay day but i truly don't feel like i have much longer for consciousness today, and that's all right.

i got up obviously, as i journaled early to catch up from yesterday.  i got to the gym, did my half-hour on the treadmill and left.  i felt bad while i was there, admitting it here and then leaving it alone.  a woman that i'd seen perhaps once before came in, and the row of treadmills were full.  with the obligatory space between myself and everyone else.  now, we do placement on treadmill. it's unofficial, but so is the fact that you shouldn't eat someone's lunch in the work fridge if you didn't bring anything yourself.  common sense unofficial, i like the sound of that.  anyway, i was there first, got the treadmill closest to the door.  when i came in on Tuesday for the treadmill (not my regular day for that spot) there was someone on the one i usually use, and after i fussed internally for being a bit slow that day i got on the one NEXT to it.  because, i was out of rotation, okay?
so today, i get there first, get my choice.  then comes a regular, on her treadmill day.  she takes the other end, always does when it's open.  she usually rides the tandem bikes, but this was a treadmill day for her.  she seems to be the center of her clique (and on occasion there is nothing wrong with having a 'clique', people you are comfortable with, being in their presence and having their support.  it's when it is exclusive and superior that it's just an ego trip with a pretty name), her one friend went to the tandem bike and the third came to the treadmill.  another guy, who has used the treadmill next to me before, got on the one ONE TREADMILL AWAY from the one i was on.  he had a choice; there are six treadmills in that row, and three of them were taken.
an older gentleman, looks like a judge, always speaks, ALWAYS gets on the FOURTH treadmill.  so.  one, three, four, five and six were occupied.  when this white woman, blond, not too chunky, fitness-fashionable, comes in, gets herself into her gear, she comes up to the SECOND treadmill, next to mine.  now, this is all peripheral mind you.  i don't stare at people.  i believe that anyone, especially women, have a right to work out without being eye-molested by anyone.  and in a society where i know of at least one incident in PA where a guy went into a gym and blew away a bunch of women doing aerobics because he was crazy and said no beautiful woman wants him, i like to do my part to insure no craziness will be directed at anyone.
but she comes up on the treadmill, thinks about it for a moment...and leaves for a different part of the gym.  perhaps even just leaves.
now.
i could take that a bunch of different ways.  i could take it in healthier ways than the one that has been on my mind all day.
but we live in a society now that has the current background buzz of hostility and hate, of danger and distrust and incipient racism.  how the fuck else can one justify a center that is there for the benefit of a community that HAPPENS to be Jewish-founded having to be on constant second-level alert since the election of this stupid fuck for president?  so we are all a bit more hyper-aware than we were last year.  and some of us have lived with that radar pinging non-stop for a lot longer than the past three or four months.  so i felt it.  too close to the nigger.  i'll just go do something else.  la la la...
and it made me angry.  and i wanted to scream at her that she wasn't going to catch my black by walking next to me.  that she wasn't going to end up fatter because of me, or darker, or raped, or pregnant, or mugged.  but i didn't.  i walked.  and i finished, and i left without speaking to anyone. because i was mad and sad.  and i own both those emotions.  and life goes on, as it does.

i went to Wal-Mart, got some breakfast stuff and came home.  put on my mom's coffee.  made pancakes and sausage for all of us, and scrambled two eggs for myself.  had my breakfast.  cleaned the dishes.  went on about my business.  wrote some poems.  i was tired again (and sad and mad) and went to the attic and went to sleep.  i got up a few hours later, and i came back down and spoke with my parents.  i talked to Lonnie, who was doing some Dad things, and eventually i talked to Rachel as well.  she's been very depressed.  thinking of leaving the city, leaving the state, hell.  i had a ham sandwich on rye and some chips for lunch.  i went to get my hair clippers for my brother, who likely won't use them.  i got my mail, but nothing from the JCC yet.  no replacement card from my bank either.  now i am finishing this journal entry.  i'm going to watch some television. i'm going to eat something eventually, but don't know what.  and i'm going to get myself down for the night.  maybe i'll get some work done tomorrow.  i can only hope.  i am still grateful to Jehovah, because He blesses me, so i don't have to worry about people's actions, only my own.

missing days and things

i guess a day can be so nondescript that it seems no big deal to log it, but in this Journey, there is nothing that is beneath being recorded, because this is a trip of learning.  and missing as i do means discipline is slipping with the lack of familiarity, which is not cool.

so i got up yesterday, exhausted and way too early.  i came downstairs and did what i had to to move forward on the beans, but i fell asleep in the living room chair after i moved the process along.  i did get prayers done but i didn't read my books.  when i woke again, i took meds and insulin, and had breakfast and coffee, and i got my ass semi-in gear.  i did hit my meeting.  i did lunch with Lonnie.  i did talk to Rachel briefly.  i got to bed early.  but i didn't journal.  i am coming down with a cold, and i have no idea how bad this one is going to be.  but that doesn't matter, because i have to  progress regardless of that.

some things are coming easier now.  i can get myself together for a day without much effort.  i'm allowing myself some comfort in my parent's home.  i am honored and blessed to be in a position to look out for them more directly.  still, things have to move forward.  work to do today.  got up way too early again, said prayers, did readings.  had iced coffee (leftover coffee from yesterday) and water.  didn't write yesterday; have written today.  on my way to gym.  it's time to get shit moving.  will log this evening.  that's about it for the moment.  I am grateful for yesterday, and i will attempt to maintain that gratitude today.

evening now...

day is coming to a close.  it's been a good day.  got some things done, which always makes me happy.  but i'm not satisfied, not even close.  got a lot to do, three quarters of my year is almost gone.  time to get it it gear.

i went to the gym this morning.  got up, said prayer, did readings, had coffee and water, blood sugar was lower than usual.  did the treadmill at the gym.  got dishes washed, made an omelet as folks were waking up here.  had my breakfast.  my dad started asking if i wanted to go to Braking Point with him to check on application status.  i told him i didn't but i would go, but when he didn't know whether he was going today or tomorrow i got moving.

went to the bank, got TF's money, as it landed in my account this morning.  got in touch, told her we could coordinate and i'd give it to her.  then i went to the library.  did my early journal as a catch-up from yesterday, put in two apps online and read some before i checked out my reserved Walter Mosley and left.  i went then to the Joe Maxx coffee shop, got a cup to go, sat downtown on a bench and took a couple pictures.  i had no real rhyme or reason; just wanted to get back in a working frame of mind.

from there i went to the park, Mill Creek.  first i went to BK, used their facilities, got a small burger and ate it in my car.  i texted TF and said i was in her vicinity.  then i went to the Flower Garden.  i was going to get some long view shots of downtown for a Youngstown Organix flyer but TF said she was heading my way.  so i laid back in my car and shut my eyes a bit.

she got there soon enough and i gave her her money.  she said she'd lay my flyers for me, so that was a good thing.  i went from there back home, stopping at the store first for some beans to cook for tomorrow.

I am very sad, hurting for my friend, though i know he doesn't want me to.  Lonnie got his dad placed in an assisted living facility today.  I talked to him before i left the park.  he said his dad had been crying the entire day, not sobbing but crying, knowing he was about to be let go.  i can't even imagine how that felt for Lonnie, but my heart is breaking for both of them.  this world sucks.  this life, the sickness, the changes, the eventual decline...it's all just pain and misery after a point.  periods, punctuation marks of brightness.  but then a new ache, a new problem, a new sickness, and that bright point is snuffed out like a matchstick in a typhoon.  i'm struggling with gratitude at the moment, honesty forces me to admit.  but i know it's not Jehovah's fault.  we are disobedient morons, and who would ever want to just keep looking after us when we seek our own destruction in a million different ways every day.  tomorrow is another day, and i'll work on gratitude then.

next day updates

oh, man, yesterday was rough.  i was so tired, i got some things done but i really didn't have the energy to do this in the evening.  so i want to catch up now, because change is in the air, i believe.

i got up way too early on Monday, but it wasn't like sleep was going to reset itself.  so i got up, got it moving.  i didn't even make coffee, just said prayers, did readings, got my ass downstairs to get some water and i went to the gym.  i was too tired for the treadmill, which should have been the itinerary.  instead, i did the weight machines.  then i went to McD's because i was too tired to make coffee for me or my mom, or breakfast for that matter.  i got us coffee, got a breakfast burrito and a sausage mcmuffin and a hash brown and i went home and ate and drank half my coffee and said 'Fuck It', and went back to the attic and passed out.

i awakened again just in time to jump into clothes and make my way to Dr. Jackson's office.  i got there a few minutes late but i was in the waiting room for an hour, nodding and trying hard not to be talked to.  when i'm really sleepy my patience is not good.  i saw the doctor for all of 3 minutes, and i slipped out without making a new appointment.

i started to head back home but decided to try to get some work done.  i went downtown with my camera and took some stills of the city.  i wanted to get some people shots, as i want to start building up the Youngstown Organix brand as well, but my camera didn't cooperate for long.  i went into the little convenience store downtown and got myself a gyro.  i did place flyers in both the store and my doctor's office.  then i went home.

i ate my lunch, watched some television and after everyone had cleared out i went for a nap.  my dad was frazzed because he'd overdrawn his account again, apparently it happens a lot now.  and my mom was worrying about whether i needed anything, so getting to myself was good for me.  i don't know if i actually napped but i definitely killed some time with my eyes closed.  i went back downstairs a few hours later, i talked to my parents again, i'd talked to Lonnie for a while, and things seem to be progressing with the placement of his dad in a care facility.  then i had a fish sandwich and some green beans for dinner.  i ate it, and that was the end of the day for me.

as an aside, i went to pick up some things from the apartment.  i have to admit i was appalled.  the mess is growing, my cherub lamps that i found as a matching set at a yard sale in the wayback days are apparently broken, the place stalely smells of weed and there are wine bottles sitting on the table.  the trash is not being put out, food is not being put away.  i was so angry about my lamps that i just gathered my things and left.  but i texted her later and told her my real concerns and my insistence that they be addressed on the basis of their merit and the degree of seriousness she and Joe have about wanting to have their own apartment.  i don't know how much good it will do, but i do know until i get my grandfather's house, i'm tied to that apartment.  i did finally pay the cable bill.  but that's part of later today.

it was a good day, Monday was.  i got work done.  i got back to being me a little bit more.  and i have remained good at my word.  I thank Jehovah for blessing me abundantly.  and i'll get on with today's news...later today.

thrusters, retros and gyroscopiics

so today was one of those weird kind of days, a day where nothing seemed to be on point, though everything started out to be.

i woke a bit before my alarm and turned it off.  i said my prayers, did my readings and i came downstairs.  i moved with some deliberation.  i restarted the crock pot with the green beans, put made myself coffee, took my shower and took my meds and insulin.  i went upstairs to shave and groom, and when i came back down i got the ham into the oven.  my mom had gotten up and showered and was getting ready for the Hall.  before i could get dressed she was about ready, but she was in a lot of discomfort.  she really wasn't up to going and i wasn't going to try to force her to.  she did her lesson along with the congregation on the phone and i worked on dinner.

i didn't do the Hall, is what it comes down to.  and i did a good job with the ham, and the green beans were good, but my roasted potatoes did not happen.  had the rack too low to fit the ham in, and i didn't follow my own road-tested method of cooking them, so they ended up way too dark on the bottoms.  upset me pretty good.

i went to my meeting after i glazed the ham.  the meeting was okay, but as usual, we all read some and then only a few of us spoke.  then i went to pick up Rachel.  she was ready not long after i got there, and we came over here for dinner.  i stopped at Sav-a-Lot and got a potato salad as an alternate.
didn't matter much, because only Rachel, Mom, Dad and I were there to eat at 3.  so we ate, and Rachel's daughter called her and asked if she could get her purse from the house, as she forgot it when she left for work.  i was cool with it; i'd seen Rachel the day before, and i know how she gets when she's overexposed to people.  went to get her daughter's purse and Rachel went to Subway to get her some lunch.  we took it to her job and Rachel got her daughter's keys and we said good bye.  i came home, weary, pensive and feeling slightly dull.  too much ham, likely.

i talked to Lonnie earlier on the phone and Rachel called me not long ago.  i am going to the foot doctor tomorrow, and i need some time out of this house.  i don't mind being her as much as i wish i did, i guess, but i need to be doing discernible things, tangible things to move Z-Phyles forward.  i need to get a couple more things from the apartment; testing strips and needles, my thumb drives and my gym shoes.  i am thankful that the day was spent with love and family.  but i have to admit, i don't want to keep trying if no one really cares about getting together.  i'm not comparing one to another, but at my grandmother's house, i would see all my uncles and aunts who were in town.  we nieces and nephews, we grandchildren, were just a subdivision of a much more significant gathering.  now, it's my parents and Rachel, and maybe eventually Jerry with show up, and maybe not. and maybe Lori will come, and maybe not.  but you can only plan the plan.  The results, as always, belong to Jehovah God, and to Him i am eternally grateful.

back (back) and forth (and forth)...

Chorus from a Cameo song.

today has been fairly uneventful, nothing too exciting.  so i'm just going to sort of blurb about it.
got up, prayed, did readings, scripture, sugar was good, took meds and insulin.  had coffee and water.  since Detroit trip was cancelled yesterday was still in the process of working out the day.  sometimes you have to have a better grasp on what you want to happen than that though.

ate breakfast, salmon loaf and eggs and half a bagel with cream cheese.  left the other half bagel for my mom.  before all that i'd taken a shower, though i didn't shave or groom.  i checked on my dad, made sure my mom was okay, then went to the attic and laid back down.

i waited to hear from Rachel, heard from Lonnie first.  talked to him for about an hour, then Rachel called. went to pick her up at 1230.  we went to the Re-Store in Struthers to look around, went to lunch and then walked through the Amish market.  bought some cookies there.

we ended up at the casino.  Rachel has been pretty stressed lately; i didn't balk, therefore.  i told her i'd trade her some groceries i needed for a family dinner tomorrow for some additional funds she needed.  my first time at the casino in Austintown.  so much poetry there, and none of it happy.  she didn't do well at all.  by the end we were silent on our ride to the grocery store.

i got stuff i needed for dinner tomorrow.  Rachel's been visiting my mom.  Saw Syd, talked to Joe about some sales stuff and some issues he's having with his manager on his job.  i got green beans in crock pot, have potatoes cut and in oil and seasoning to go into oven for a roast tomorrow.  going to figure out ham and ham glaze after i drop Rachel off.

sometimes there's no use in fighting a person's mind.  we go up, we go down.  we go through changes.  and when we come back to the point of needing to change, we make decisions all over again.  I know i love her.  I know she loves me.  I'm pretty sure that's enough.  everything else is moving well.

I am grateful to my Father for a good day.  and it's a pretty cool video with Miles Davis in it.

interests of conflict

before i go to sleep, i want to jot some notes about today.  don't have a full comprehensive, just the overview.  i'm tired, sue me.

first off, Detroit didn't happen.  dad was not not feeling good, bubbling guts and whatnot.  better safe than sorry and messy.
didn't go to the gym, because i thought we were going to Detroit and wanted to get some extra rest.  that's what you get for thinking...
counseling was good but i think i'm stuck in this moment without any way to more clearly verbalize what i'm feeling.  everything VF was suggesting was accurate, but it didn't fully encapsulate what my heart is undergoing at this point.  maybe it will come to me...actually, i'm sure it will.
Rachel and counseling...seems to have put her at a distance for the rest of the day. maybe i'll hear from her tomorrow.
mom and dad are both reacting to the news of my dad's polyps and what that might entail.  i feel bad for them both.
Lonnie is a rock.  but even rocks get worn away, time and pressure, just like Morgan Freeman said on Shawshank.
cooked dinner, went to lunch with Lonnie.  I'm sorry, but white people, loads of alcohol and an occasion to dress like idiots...that's St. Patrick's day in a nutshell, apparently.
dinner was okay, but my fried fish was actually more bland than my baked fish.  go figure that one out.
it was a bit warm earlier...by which i mean, forty-something.  and now the ground is covered with show.
i thank Jehovah for variety in the weather, and for my life.

...stimuli...

i decided against the gym today.  no particular reason; i woke, felt the sleep was still deep within me and decided it was a day to lay in.  that was okay, as i was still dealing with some of the residuals from yesterday.  eventually i did get up, maybe 540 or so, and i did my morning things, prayer, readings, meds, heating up coffee for mom and making myself coffee.  then i went back upstairs and fell asleep again for a bit.  that kind of day.

wait, that's all wrong.  i did better than that.

i got up and i came downstairs and i put water on for my coffee and i took a shower.  after my shower, i made myself a to-go cup and a cup to drink while i did my readings and my medicines.  my sugar was great this morning, chicken and salad never did me no harm.  i then went upstairs to the bathroom (designations:  mom's bathroom, downstairs off the kitchen.  dad's bathroom, upstairs in the back) and shaved my face and head.  then i went up to the 3rd floor (Switzerland, in the territorial war between my parents) and got myself dressed.  i came back downstairs and made myself some breakfast, cleaned up the kitchen and prepared for the day.  all that was good on the schedule was seeing Rachel, which included taking her to two appointments.  what was stressful was finishing the car thing with TF, but even that was not too big a pain in the ass.  more later.

i left here about 1015 as planned.  i had watched some television before that, and i heated up my car it was so cold.  got to Rachel about 11, she was ready but just waking up.  went to the gas station to get gas and found my bank card still wasn't working.  i took Rachel to her first appointment and made my second call to my bank, who said they'd issued another card some time ago, and the one i was using was no longer active.  i texted Syd and asked her to look for the envelope that might contain my card when she got home, and continued on with Rachel.  we had lunch, went to a Dollar Tree, went to a second appointment and then came to my parent's house.

i talked to her in the driveway, wanting to express that my heart was heavy from her experiences with family as of late, but that i believed in her and others should too.  then we came in the house.  my mom was glad to see her and they seemed to have a nice visit.  one thing about my mother; when she is in it, she can make anyone feel as if they have finally made it home anytime they visit.  i worked on my first flyer after a point, then went to do the car thing with TF.  i left Rachel here visiting.

the car return started out frustrating, as TF was late.  5 is five, after all.  she got there about 15 minutes late, and i drove the car around to the rental place.  it was crowded but the brother remembered me from the rental and just took the keys.  i took TF home, and she gave me a bag with 2 shirts she'd gotten for a dollar each from Gabriel Brothers.  then i came back home.

i had gotten hungry again, and my mom said she was as well.  none of us could decide what we wanted, so i made a giant frittata instead of going out to spend money on junk.  it turned out well, and we had garlic bread on the side.  my dad came home, the Cleveland leg of the trip fell through thank heavens, and Rachel is now borrowing my car and i'm washing a load of clothes just to clean lotion off the shirts i was given.  i am going to forego the gym again...no point pushing the envelope too much...but i am going to counseling and i am going to get my stuff together tonight so i'm ready to roll at eleven, though my dad won't really be ready at that time.

i feel good.  i actually feel not bad.  i had a moment this morning, when i started getting it moving, and i couldn't find my glasses, and i realized there was only one place they could be, which was downstairs by the computer, and that was not good, because it means i am starting to nest here, whick is a no-no.  but i'm writing poetry, working on a new collection and taking flyers to see if i can get them placed in Detroit.  i'm on point with the mission, which means God is doing what He does, and i have to keep doing what i do.  i am grateful, i thank God for bringing me forward, and i will take the next step when i know where to put my foot.

floating, spinning, thinking...

i have to be ready for Michigan this weekend, because the way things have been going over the past week, i need something new and productive to spark something positive in me.  i feel so stalled at the moment.

and the week started so well, too...

i got up today without the gym on my alarm.  i lazed for a bit, then i got up and said my prayers.  my foot and ankle were working as well as they do these days and i was grateful for that.  but going to sleep was with the cloud lingering overhead about the transaction for the rental with TF, and what would be awaiting me today.  but the day started well.  prayers, reading scripture and meditation books, taking meds and insulin and actually having a good breakfast.  i had a day lined up of doing nothing; at most, designing the flyer for the trip to see if my family in Detroit can place them for me, and at the very least hanging out here until the cable guy came.  i'd even put in early texts to some Fellowship guys about covering the noon meeting as best they could, that i wasn't feeling well.

so, how did the sequence begin?  with the bank showing clearly that i was in the hole.  not a pending transaction; a transaction to which no funds were available to cover.  a 24 hour grace period to get the funds in place (Huntington Bank is cool as shit for that), but fear of financial insecurity had come back strong as hell.  so i sent TF a message on FB (HATE the bullshit of talking serious business on a public forum, even in a so-called private message) that i needed the funds today.  so there's that.  and it is resolved, let me say that for posterity.  but the problem is a misdirection in the first place.

car rentals work with your CREDIT card as the means of securing your rental fee.  with a CREDIT card, you do the transaction and pay later, because if you fuck up, it's your card that will be charged, your credit will be fucked up as well, and you will be 100 percent liable.  with a DEBIT card, however, different song.  a DEBIT card gets transacted immediately, because that way, the money for the rental is ASSURED.  which makes sense.  because why wouldn't some asshole rent a car with a debit card, then go close out that account and run off with the car?  legal action would follow, sure, but people are only smart enough to fuck up.  so, the transaction was only pending as in it would go through the next business day, not pending until the car was returned.  thing is, the misdirection of which i speak, did TF know that?  i've done rental situations with TP, in which she gave me the money to put into my account so that the transaction took place without me being affected at all.

thing is, i was being nice.  and in being nice, i was inconvenienced and will continue to be, i was overdrawn, and worst part is, i threw the day away because of having to get this shit straight.  cancelled the cable guy.  missed a lunch with TP.  and it still took TF until after 2pm to get to the bank with the money.  from 7 when i texted her in the am til after 2pm.  pretty sure i'm running low on nice right now.

i watched some old movies, i talked to my mom, i made her breakfast, i napped.  i got us both lunch.  i wrote and started a new book of poetry.  i talked to Lonnie.  so i wouldn't say i got nothing done.  but i got did as well.  and, it didn't stop there exactly.

took my dad to Giant Eagle this evening to get some prescriptions and some other stuff he'd get while he's out.  i decided, since my mom gave me a salad that my dad bought her, to get some dressing and a pack of already done chicken to go with it.  i used my OTHER bank card...and the transaction was NOT APPROVED.  didn't say 'declined', just NOT APPROVED.  so i felt the simmer turn into a soft boil.
i paid with cash, got my change, sat down waiting for my dad to finish his purchase and checked my bank account, which had more than enough money, of course, or i wouldn't have tried to use the card.  but i did discover that i had a transaction showing from JCC, a $20 membership fee, that i'm not supposed to have to pay since i re-registered for membership.  a mistake, i know.  but it adds up.  emotionally, it all adds up.

on the positive side, i will be able to see VF on friday for counseling, which is very good.  she is going to email the powers that be about the fee for me, which is very good.  i'm supposed to see Rachel tomorrow, which is very good.  but i still have to do the rental return tomorrow at some point, which is going to cut into my time with Rachel.  which sucks.  so, lesson learned?  i pray that is the case, and I thank Jehovah God for allowing me to be taught such a character forming lesson.  and for a day that was mostly pain free also.  have to remember to be grateful, always.

better days of resisting comfortability (i know)

yeah, so i did okay today.  i am just going to run events, as there are still very few.  i'm sure something is wrong, as my motivation isn't exactly 'gone', but i feel compromised.  maybe i can write my way to it.

okay, so i got up before my alarm, i said my prayers, the pain was a bit more recedent, but i was still hobbling earlier.  i had no real plans, other than to work on something that was fucked up yesterday.  more on that in a minute.

i came downstairs, put on water for my coffee and got the pot ready for my mother's coffee.  i got one of my French presses from the apartment yesterday and an assortment of coffee (i'm such a junkie) so i can stop giving McDonald's a dollar a day to inadequately feed my habit.  i had coffee, water, sugar was up just a hair but the gout may have been the stressor in that.  i had gotten into my shorts and tee-shirt, and i woke to a white world of snow.  for a moment, i considered not going to the gym, but that voice had no authority and i got it shaking and moved out fairly quickly, after my readings.

the gym wasn't crowded, and i did the treadmill today.  i didn't push myself, didn't try to set any records, but i got into a good groove and stayed in it.  did a half hour, just a little over a mile.  then i came back to my parent's house. (part of the title is i have to remember this is my parent's house.  i don't know how long i'm going to nest here, but i don't want to think of it as 'home'.  i hope that comes across clear).

i heated up another cup of coffee, got more water, took insulin and pills and made myself oatmeal and 2 scrambled eggs for breakfast.  the rest of the day was just minor detail stuff.  i napped briefly.  i talked to Rachel for a bit.  i talked to Lonnie.  i put on chili early in the day in my mother's crock pot and we're having that for dinner as i type.  i am going to have to call VF (maybe, wink!) to let her know i won't be in counseling Friday, as i have to take my dad to Detroit on Friday, probably be coming back on Saturday.  a relative i don't know died and he wants to go to the funeral.

i took a bird bath, didn't feel like showering, but i did shave my face and head,  i had leftover salmon and cabbage and mac n cheese for lunch.  i rested.  i feel better, far as the gout flare.  tomorrow is an off day for the gym.  i have no complaints and despite my unwillingness to start thinking this as 'home', i am grateful to Jehovah, as i could be in my car parked in a driveway, pissing in the snow, running out gas trying to stay warm.  i have been provided for.  and it's time to get to work.

now, the bullshit from yesterday.

TF called me yesterday afternoon after messaging me on FB.  she asked if i could help her rent out a car.  i reluctantly agreed.  i thought about not doing it, but despite her absence from the recovery program and her fade from my conscious life, she has been a friend and even recently bought food for Syd and i.  thing is, it's a bad deal.
the rental is in my name, using my bank card.  there was no way i was going to use a credit card of any kind, as i'm working now to straighten that shit out.  likely, there won't be any great issue.  she'll pay for it when we take the car back on thursday, and the money that is pending as a transaction on my card will be removed.
thing is, i'm not one hundred percent positive about the last part.
normally, what i would have done is told her to get the money out, i'd put it in my account, and then give her back the deposit after the rental was paid for on return.  i was hurting yesterday, felt a bit put upon, and wasn't thinking right.  plus, they closed at 6.  so, i am waiting.  and if that pending transaction falls before the car is returned, it's going to fuck up my account.  and she's going to have to fix it.  it makes me want to stop helping people.  but again, i realize much has been given me, so i try to stay grateful and stay in the process of paying forward.  i guess we'll have to see.

i'm feeling poetry stirring in me lately.  that makes me happy too.

gaps in the narrative

adjustment is difficult.  i am trying to be consistent, but i am not doing a great job of it.  still, i persist.
yesterday was just kind of a blur.  i did my meeting but not the Hall.  i made dinner for my family, and my mom and aunt ate but not my dad, but he had leftovers from a previous meal i'd cooked.  i washed clothes, mopped the kitchen floor, did some odds and ends.

today was much the same, but i did get to the gym, and my plan is to go tomorrow.  snow hasn't started just yet.  i may have to correct someone's bullshit, but more on that if it comes to it.  Rachel's going through some rough mental stuff right now, have to keep her and her family in prayer.  i am stuffed up right now, but my foot hurts much less.  things to do tomorrow, a fuller day.  Syd and Joe are doing okay.  not going to worry any more than i have to.  i am blessed and grateful.  more tomorrow, and hopefully in a more timely fashion.

weary...

it's been a rough couple of days.  i didn't mean to skip yesterday and despite how i'm feeling today i refuse to let another gap in my chronicle.  i just have to keep it brief.

i didn't do a whole lot on friday.  i had counseling.  i didn't make it to the gym again.  i am out of sorts, out of rhythm.  i am at my parent's house and it's a strange thing indeed.  i am trying my best to remain an intrusion.  i don't want to be a guest, and i certainly don't wish to be a resident.  Syd is doing okay, as far as i can tell.  i'll have to go check on them tomorrow.  but i went to counseling.  i went home from there, though i had plans to do some filming.  i've been holding on to this yucky feeling for days.  i wish the dam would burst and i'd be sick or it would go away, either would do.  i can't remember much else about yesterday, and that's sort of troublesome in itself.  i know i did some research on Palmyra, Pa, and sent out an email and found some places in Philly that i need to contact as well.  but that was just about the day, as far as i can remember.

today, i got up with gout, which has gotten progressively worse as the day has gone on.  i said prayer but did no readings.  i took meds, but not my water pill, because i was getting moving early and didn't want to be ruled by my bladder today.  i only went to the store, got my mom some stuff, got myself some tart cherry juice, stuff for tomorrow's pot luck.

my dad is worrying the 'housing' situation to death, as he does with things that he wants to go a certain way.  i tell him i'm not worried about it, but he keeps talking to my cousins.  i got some money from the bank to loan him as well.  i worked on my website, added a services page (http://wolfflow05.wixsite.com/zphylespublishing/the-service), changed my business voicemail greeting to reflect Z-Phyles, and i had lunch.  after that, i tried to nap, but the gout was much worse.  i got up, went back downstairs and started working on the television in the living room. i got it reset, so now my aunt and my dad can watch anything without a V-chip censor in place.  i've taken a shower, shaved my face and head, taken two of my dad's tramadol so i can try to work this broken ground glass pain out of my body and function tomorrow.  i don't know what i'm going to be doing tomorrow, because it truly depends on how i feel.  i am planning plans, but the results absolutely do not belong to me at this point.  i am still grateful though, and i thank Jehovah for life and the awareness of pain.

tired don't really cover this...

hey, sorry i missed yesterday.  i'm sure it just got away from me, a little bit.  i'm going through some changes, trying to keep my sights simple and my legs moving.  i'm pretty sure i got a bit of a bug trying to germinate in me.
today was not much of a day, but i'm grateful for it.  hung with Lonnie and his dad mostly.  didn't do gym, took half the day before i got my readings done.
my parents are offering me shelter for the moment.  not sure how i feel about that, but being we had heavy and high winds yesterday, i was glad to be inside.
i'm tired, and i need a lot of sleep.  a loooooooooooot of sleep.  thank you Father, though, as i may be whining a bit, and i don't want to do that.

return journey

a very hard ride home today.  but i made it.  it's 'home' that's really the hard part.

i didn't sleep well again.  i believe sleep is a luxury i am going to do without for a while.  i tried stretching out on as much couch as i could, and i swear i felt things crawling on me.  psychosomatic, possible.  Keith's dog seemed to be exuberant in its scratching and i'm sure it put the 'flea' idea into my head.  so i sat up and extended the footrest and that got me to about 2 in the morning again.  my Columbus wake-up time, i'm guessing.  i watched a movie, nodded out til about 330 or so, then decided it was time to get this party started quickly, right?  (song reference).  i said my prayer, put on coffee, got my shoes on and went for a walk.  i love walking the neighborhoods early in the morning.  especially ones that i used to roam in my much younger days.  there is so much character in the decay.  the houses, the duplexes and rowhouses, are structured in such an interesting way, as if no two people were allowed to design any matching houses on any block.  and in their ruin, they seem as if they are haunted, but by still living souls, rather than by ghosts or poltergeists.
i finished a half-hour walk, had some coffee, checked my sugar (which was on the higher side), took my insulin, including a burst of fast acting, took my pills, made myself some breakfast and gathered up my things.  after using the bathroom, i took off for Youngstown.
but i didn't get far.
(note to self; have to mail Keith's keys back to him asap tomorrow)
i got sleepy as soon as i was on the road, on I-71.  i mean, serious nodding, and it was dark, and it was rainy, and i realized i had Keith's keys, that he'd left them in my car.  so i called him as i pulled into the rest area just outside of Columbus, told him where i was and that i'd be sleeping for a minute, because i could drive no further.  i then slept for a good hour.  when i woke, i felt rather refreshed, enough to get it started again.  i called him back, but he wasn't able to come get the keys.  i told him i'd mail them back, hence the note to myself.
i did not rush.  i did not fly.  i took my time.  i stopped for gas.  i stopped for bathroom.  i did not try to break records getting here.  i thought about my trip.  i thought about how hard it would be to create a data base for my publishing service.  i thought about what i'd need to learn when the time came.  i thought about De'ja being so sad, and trying so hard not to show it.  i thought about how his mother looked the same way.  i thought about Porsha, and how she must think i don't give a damn about her sometimes.  i thought about the need of a person for a person, a need created from a need.  i thought about Keith and Ronda, so happy together when i first met them.  i thought about Syd, getting older, about me getting old.  and i thought about what i'd learned.
bookstores don't really exist anymore.  neither do 'record' stores, though we still call them that.  like the old 'video' stores that now carry only dvd's, bookstores are either the monoliths that are too ponderous to die quickly, or they are the small remora fish, seeking to live off the scraps that the juggernauts drop carelessly in passing.  the places i'd tried were all of the same vein.  not really dealing with the business, but dealing with being 'characters of interest' in the drama that they'd made their lives into.  the girl that i met at Black Art Plus never did plug into my Facebook page, nor did i expect her to.  the guy from Ujamaa laid out a money-making scheme to entice new writers to surrender to 'vanity' publishing, as long as it's 'real-world' packaged.  i have some alterations in mind, and i'm going to enact them very soon.  but that is enough, i made it home, about 930, maybe 10.

i went to the apartment, saw Joe, saw the clutter accumulating and knew that it was no longer really my apartment.  it made me sad, but it was also a bit thrilling.  i hate the messiness, it is so unnecessary.  but i know my moving on has to happen now, there is no choice.  i got my money back, went to the bank to make my deposits and went to my parents.  i made my mom and omelet, cleaned the dishes, talked with my aunt and my dad and left.  i went to get some lunch, a sandwich and salad, and i paid on some of my credit card bills while i ate.  that is, after all, the purpose of all this change, to get caught up,  or at least on the path of economic security again.
after lunch, i talked to Lonnie and then went to the library. just wanted some time to decompress.  one of the things i realized while i was in Columbus is just how bone-jarringly weary i truly am.  it goes all the way down to marrow and corpuscles, this tiredness.  but there is no time to rest.  so after i fucked around a bit, i narrowed my searches to what i needed to make my efforts more productive, and i have a checklist of things i'm going to do.  as i was leaving, Rachel called me.  her trip has not been all that good, but she continues to seep the positive spin on it.  i told her about my journey, and we spoke of other things.  i then finished the call and went into Syd's to get a shower, some food and a change of clothes.  Joe left, i assume for work, and i got myself together.  the shower felt good.  i have dirty clothes that i must wash in my trunk.  i must also get my trunk reordered.  i talked to Syd for a bit, encouraging her to work on cleaning a bit more, then i left after giving her a hug.
i came to my parent's house again, sitting in their driveway, reading a graphic novel i got from the library.  i went to the store for my dad.  i'd talked to my uncle about possibly crashing out in his driveway, as after seeing a Liberty cop giving a woman a ticket (in aggressive fashion) for parking incorrectly at the Dollar General, it made me think it may be prudent to simply stay out of their way.
currently, i'm on my parent's computer, doing this thing.  i am going to the gym in the morning, and i'll start moving it around from there.  i have chores to tend to and a name to promote.  i don't know what the future holds, but i know who holds the future.  thank you, Jehovah.

Lessons...

It's been a long day. I am satisfied, in a way, with how things have turned out. I can't wait to get back to Youngstown though.

I couldn't sleep well last night either. I was up too early, and I sat on the couch thinking. Finally I said my prayers comma and got moving into my day. I didn't walk, still no readings, and I didn't go for coffee. I made my way East to Keith's house. I had breakfast, coffee and conversation. I got my head together and my thoughts right and I got to work.
I went to the Ujamaa bookstore, and as om Mt. Vernon, the proprietor wasn't in. I then went to see Vera and family at the flower gallery, but I didn't stay long. I wasn't feeling her and wasn't feeling a need to explain.
I then went to visit Ronda and caught up a bit and she bought 2 books. I came back to Keith's and hung out.
I called the number I was given to the bookstore and was given a valuable lesson, which I'll go into later. I talked to Rachel, Lonnie, Mom and Dad. I talked to Syd. I've watched tv and eaten and I'm ready to roll.
The lesson I learned. The guy from the book store told me they don't just take books anymore. They take a fee, to put you in there Data Bank, which gives their customers access to your link. That's what I'm doing now. Therefore, I have to alter my Approach. I'm going to call all places and set up my itinerary in advance. I'm going to increase my social media contact list at least fifty-fold. And then I can use the increased contacts to do this for me. Data bank. Because if anyone's going to get paid for a minimum of work...its gonna be me.
Sleepy now. I miss my bed.  Thank you, Father.

slipstream

some days, it just comes clear.  this is a space that a person has to travel through to get to where they are supposed to be.  there is no way to supersede that process and there is no genuine way to avoid ti completely.  you have to go through that space, and perhaps, if you've paid attention, you will find that you've become what you thought you never could.  it's a slipstream of sorts, where time goes forward and backward simultaneously, and the true trick is to watch it, to be certain you're going where you actually wanted to go.

time travel is not impossible...it happens every day in the human mind.

so i got up this morning after a night of intermittent leg cramps waking me from a fitful sleep, and when the leg cramps weren't working on me, the bladder surely was. i managed to get back to sleep for a period of time, but i was still tired and expected to be.  nonetheless, i had a breakfast date with Chris and i intended to keep it.
no dramatics involved.  Syd told Chris i was here, indicative of Syd being worried about me.  Chris asked if we could hook up and i told her she could buy me breakfast today.  we went to Bob Evans in what was part of our old neighborhood, and like everything else, the changes were evident.  we spoke of many things, including i guess cabbages and kings.  but the gist was i urged her to leave the pain that she's always carried with her behind when she leaves the state, as she deserves a life free from poisoned melancholy.  i thanked her for being a part of my life and for Syd.  we let it go at that, though we met far longer than i'd expected.  but that's not a bad thing either.
I did say my prayers this morning, and i took my medicine, but i left my readings at the apartment.
i came back to DeJa's from breakfast and got myself centered, though still exhausted.  DeJa's girlfriend went to a brunch and DeJa fixed us some lunch and then we went to the store.  we talked about his relationship things, and mine, and his business, and mine, and eventually he and she went to work.  it is always nice visiting with him.  i looked up bookstores in Dayton and have plans to head that way tomorrow.  no harm in trying, right?  tonight, i'm going to lay back, make some calls, get some rest and plan my day tomorrow.  i am going to see Porsha and her son tomorrow, will likely see Vera also.  but i have to keep placing my information, if i want this to eventually bear fruit.  thank you, Father, for a good day.

winding down...

it is 9 in the evening. i am laying in a bed in my son's apartment.  he and his girl are at work.  they work at the same restaurant, and they'll be in later.  i should have time to spend with him tomorrow.  i have no major plans.

today went okay, but i am going to have to see about the car's suspension, the brakes at the very least.  she's sturdy, but to be sixteen years old she's going to need care, and a more delicate life wouldn't hurt and hasn't.  but the time for delicacy has passed, sadly.

i left my friend's house and came to DeJa's this morning.  i went to McD's for breakfast, and i brought coffee with me.  Sophie, DeJa's girlfriend, came down about an hour or so after i came in, and we talked.  i did not pry into things of which i may have some awareness.  people will tell you what they want you to know.  we just spoke of general things, and she went to get us both some coffee.  she offered to make me some breakfast but i declined, as i'd already eaten.

i was also aware that Syd had told her mom that i was here.  that indicates more than anything that Syd is worried about me.  but it's not an issue.  i'm changing my itinerary.  it may be more helpful to Syd to feel like she is looking after me.  i'll probably run into her mother tomorrow.  she asked me if i wanted to go to a CA meeting, but i'm not here for that.

i went to two businesses today.  one was Zawadi Books on Mt. Vernon, where i met a woman named Spanky and got a number to call the owner about carrying my books.  i gave her a business card with my info on it as well.  then i went to Black Arts Plus, a store that's been on Parsons for a long time.  just up from downtown, it is a store that carries many African American prints, various pictures of iconic individuals, as well as some African-styled carvings and paintings.  a very old shop, a very comforting spirit.  i met a girl from Akron who comes to Columbus to work there, and i did a poem for her and gave her a card.  she said she will 'friend' me on Facebook and she'll plug me in as best as she can in Akron.  that would be really cool.
i went to the Battisse Galleria but couldn't bring myself to go in.  i'll have to get there, perhaps tomorrow.  thing is, i'm still kind of salty with the proprietress.  she said 'Let me do your book signing', insisted upon it, and then just faded on me.  she said 'I want you to edit my book', and then faded on me.  so for someone to pretend they're worried about you, then to renege on aiding you in bettering your position...something is suspect in that to me.  it's not enough for me to cancel our friendship cards, but it enough to make me watch and be more attentive to details i may have missed in my previous enthusiasm. everyone has a story to tell.

i went to Wendy's for dinner, which sucks.  i was going to cook something, but there are eggs and vegetables, and that is what i had for lunch.  so i left it alone.  i've been listening to music, watched Blazing Saddles on Netflix, and i'm about to try to get to sleep.

i wish Rachel were here.  at the same time, i don't.  life can be complicated

my feet are trying to cramp up on me.  think i need to make sure i drink more water on this journey.

Thank you, Father, for bringing me through this day.

GROUND CONTROL

Well, its a new day. Recapping because its been trying getting launched. But i'm on this journey. Waking and thinking, so i believe i'm on the right track.
Friday i got up and bypassed the gym, figuring i'd need my energies. I prayed, read my books, had my coffee, took my meds and insulin and saw Syd off to school. I had my breakfast, loaded more things into my car (loaded clothes & shoes Thursday) and went to counseling.
From there i went to the bank, took out rent, went to pay rent, went to my parents and updated them and made breakfast for them, stopped at the apartment to make sure Syd's check came, mailed Lynn a copy of Waiting For Jesus, went to Ford Nature Center to sign background check, went to lunch with Lonnie, came back for comforter, took Syd to cash her check and deposit money in bank and gassed up. I didn't get on the road til 3 or so. Meanwhile, found that my friend had died on Wednesday, found my friend Keith's water was shut off (which, of course, us where i currently am) and miss Rachel immensely. But. I've launched. Prayed this morning. Enough water in gallons to flush toilet (whew!). Sugar is good. I'm drinking coffee and about to take meds. After that, the day's flight begins. Thank you, Jehovah, for watching over me. More tonight.

t minus 24...

The Children

Well, it's time.  i've got my clothes packed.  i've got my mind as right as it's going to get, and i've got my mindset ready to roll.  i am nervous, and i'm not at all surprised.  still have to gather some material, but otherwise, it's going to be what it's going to be.  my prayer is that my daughter is safe, that my family is watched over and watches over each other, and that i learn what i need to learn and see what is in front of me to see.  there are stories to be found on this journey, of that i am certain.  

I feel good today. I slept long and deep last night, a good sleep.  a heavy mediation video, and i woke with the alarm.  i still felt draggy; i'm pretty sure i've got some kind of bug that is waiting to ambush me in my physiology.  but i got up, i said my prayer, i got coffee and water, my reading was good as far as my sugar, i was in my gym clothes, heated the car and read a scripture and my meditation books.  then i took off for the gym.

i was having some questioning thoughts on the treadmill today.  a couple ladies i'd not seen in at that time before, one came in right behind me, first wave.  she had two pairs of gym shoes; one for weights and one for the treadmill.  she also had bluetooth headphones, the only other person than myself i've seen with them on.  what i noticed most was that she seemed to keep watching where i was.  then i realized; she'd left her phone atop her gym bag and was checking up on it.  but i was the closest to it.  

her friend came in and she came up front to the treadmills.  she changed shoes and got on the treadmill next to mine.  they were speaking, and i believe they work at the JCC.  but the one who came in after me, other than making sure her stuff was okay, never even looked in my direction.  and i don't mean she had to; pleasantries cost nothing, and a friend or an ally can be made with a simple hello.  of course, i didn't speak to her either, but she was an intruder in my time slot.  and it made me think...are we really strangers like that these days?  have these times redrawn enemy lines between skins, scriptures and societies, or have we simply kept them moderately maintained and now are acutely aware of them again?  i did my walk and left, and talked to the woman at the front desk, who is gathering her art together and will be contacting me soon to come pick it up.  it's time to set the tone of her book, so that i can get her 'interview' done and have the writing to go with her art.  this is going to be a good thing.  

i got home and took my medicine and insulin and had breakfast.  i had gathered my business cards and flyers before i went to the gym, and i was not in a rush to just go through the rest of my stuff.  Syd had a doctor's appointment and that was the main event of the day.  we went to Akron Children's way out in Boardman and i sat in the waiting room and read James Baldwin's 'Blues for Mister Charlie', realizing i'd read it before and realizing still that James Baldwin was an amazing man and is still the north star i follow.  after Syd was done we got lunch at LaRiccia's (i think is the name) and came home.  i talked to Syd about a lot of things along the ride, just stuff that i want to make sure i get in by way of observation and instruction.  i believe they're going to do just fine, there's no way they can 'accidentally' fuck things up.  no accounting for personal drama, but that's not my concern.  anyway, we came home and i talked to Lonnie and then laid down.  my mind was going, but that's to be expected, i suppose.  

i just finished getting my clothes together, for the most part.  i'm about to go clean out my trunk, not much to do there, and i'm going to load up my clothes and my shoes.  after that, i'm going to gather my paperwork, my medicine for traveling and whatever odds and ends i can remember.  i'm going to finish loading after Syd goes to school tomorrow, but clothes go out tonight.  i have to remember to get my books, my proposition, my booklist and a few other 'sales' things together.  then tomorrow, counseling, fill in the physical application for the Lanternman's Mill position at Mill Creek, lunch with Lonnie.  then I'm highway bound.  then the sadness will war with the excitement for real, but i'll watch that internal battle on interstate 76 and 71.  Jehovah, thank you for everything.  I am truly grateful for your intercedence  on my behalf.  

Oh, and notice the book in the middle?  WAITING FOR JESUS is now in paperback.  YAY!!!