downs and ups

this journey promises to be exciting.  maybe not all in a good way, but exciting nonetheless.

i planned for nothing today.  i'd cleaned my house, decided against the meeting, and i was pretty content to not do much of anything.  my mom had called to check on me, and Syd had checked in through text.  i was still irritable and sad-ish, but i decided after a point that it was time to get moving.  i was preparing myself to go to the store to get something to cook for dinner and to perhaps purchase lunch while i was out when Rachel called.  we talked for a bit and she had to get off the phone, which was perfect because conversation was killing my forward momentum.  i went to sav-a-lot, having settled on chili and cornbread for dinner, and while i was in the checkout procedure Rachel called back, asking if i wanted to come pick her up to come over.  i told her i'd be there, finished my purchase and picked her up.  we ate chili and cornbread, we talked, she shed some tears because she's overwhelmed and she knows she has to make some better decisions in her life.  i read to her from The Land of Evolon and she fell asleep snuggled up next to me and it was the nice part of the day.  we went to walmart not long ago.  i bought her some incense and she bought me some coffee creamer and sugar-free ice cream.  i took her home and it was a nice visit.

the day started with prayer and breakfast.  i just wanted to have a day of me, without the heaviness of what's missing.  i managed to get quite a bit of the poem done today, and i can see where it's going.  tomorrow is the gym, as i didn't walk today.  the gym and my parent's house to visit.  i feel okay today.  i don't mind the sad.  it's the constant thought of a fucked up world and me trapped in it as an old man that has me up and down.  but i don't own the future and i need to stop acting like i do.  i don't even own today.  it's all in God's hands.  i can either do the best i can today, or i can fuck it off and keep wasting time until one more opportunity is gone.  i don't choose to do that today, so, thank you Jehovah, and i will do the best i can should i be blessed with breath in the morning.  out.