so, i'm seeing some things in me, in the people around me. and i'm knowing that those are the same thing, in the big picture. most of us are reflected fairly accurately in the people we keep in our circles. we are a replication of the things we attract and we are also a reflection of many of the things we repel. so i've been watching some things and learning some things about myself.
starting out the day i prayed and got to the gym. it wasn't an easy start. the humidity levels yesterday blew me away and robbed me of sleep, but i got there anyway, thank the Father. i got my workout in, came home, took insulin and meds and i had breakfast. i got moving after a few, went to my parent's house and took my dad his banana pudding and card from my brother and i. i went then to check on Lonnie's house. it was amazing, and i'm writing this here because i have to get it out of me. i went in the back door, took the right key this time. the house was an amazing level of being wrecked. i know some of it is the residuals of his daughter's graduation party, some of it is the going away party. but most of it is just the living conditions my best friend has acclimated to over the past twenty years. i moaned with sadness going into a kitchen that would not have surprised me to see vermin perched on the surface of dirty dishes or open and long-spilled over trash. i walked through enough to determine i'd seen nothing out of the ordinary and hurried out. like seeing the child hit by the car and getting up and running away in columbus in the past year, this is going to stay on my mind.
when i left i went to the store to get stuff for haluski. it's not great for a diabetic but it was simple and quick to fix. i went back to my parent's house briefly, talked to my dad for a few minutes and came back home. i prepped everything and i watched some television and wrote a poem but i didn't post it. i kept running across feeds about Melania Trump plagarizing Michelle Obama's speech. it got me to thinking that people being surprised at the level of hypocrisy, deceit and outright garbage bullshit is stupid, because this is what america has always been. but no one cares. no one reads. no one thinks any more than they have to. so why post a thought that is too heavy for modern minds to carry?
i gave an old friend clean urine today. again, disclosure, but i won't name the friend. he shouldn't have needed it, but he needs his job as he has kids to care for. i am really sure that weed makes people stupid. i know now there are 'studies' to the opposite, but there are always studies, and they always say what the preferred legislation thinks they ought to say. but if you know you need a job and you know you get drug tested to keep a job, the conclusion is simple. and if you can't figure that out, then you my have some issues you don't want to look at. more on that later.
i went most of the day not hearing from Rachel. it would be dumb to pretend this is a surprise or new, but it is not. it is a hiding from emotions, and it is not something i choose to dwell on right now.
but in the same light, my friend Patrice in columbus is doing the same shit. and it is enough to make me reflect on myself. these are the people i have in my circle. these are the individuals that i try to draw strength from. people who fade when time and circumstance gets thicker. friends that go into isolation and stay there and forget that they are part of a world that may just rely upon them for some things. i can't say for sure. but i know there is a part of me that is like that, a part of me that is going to always question his own integrity because of his uncle dying and him not being more active in visiting, or his sponsor being ill and him not having the willingness to visit more as inertia becomes greater with each day. i am weary. and that weariness seems to feed off itself in me through others, and maybe in others through me. perpetual and synergetic. i can't say for certain. but it's worth pondering.
i have a foot doctor appointment tomorrow, and a meeting at noon. i'm grateful the heat wasn't as savage as the day before. good night.
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