this was a different kind of day. it wasn't a bad day, by any stretch, but it was a different day, like tomorrow will be a different day. the awareness of the differences from today, however, make this noteworthy.
yesterday, i let Patrice know what was going down with me. i'm gong to log this here, because i'm going to erase my texts and i don't want to lose the content of this.
"i've got something to say. gonna take a few texts. i know i got no right to expect different. our friendship's always been this way. and you are a good friend. thing is, i don't have many friends left. don't want many. didn't make me feel any better when i had a bunch of people around me. actually get more done now. however, i get older, the changes come faster. sometimes i just need to know someone is there. and that's not always the case. i have no right to expect anything from you. you've done a lot for me. but i'm angry because i reach in when i'm in need and its hit or miss. and in compromised times, like now, that leaves me fucked up. i don't have the energy anymore to try fixing everything. i love you, but once i resume texting, matter of time before i'm in pain and don't have access again. historically true. and i know i'm no better and i'm sorry about that. but i just don't have enough left to fight my thoughts and the emptiness as well. that's all. sorry to bother you."
that is, verbatim, the message that i sent to Patrice. messages, rather. earlier in the day she'd asked me how i was and i said 'i'm okay' and felt like that was bullshit. so i let her know. and today no text. and that's okay.
i guess that's the thing now. i am not in touch with Patrice. I'm not in touch with Rachel. i've not heard from Deja. i know Syd will be gone in not too many months. and then it will be just me. i don't want to get lost in the loneliness. but i know that is a part of what's coming. so i have to leave both the light and the darkness, and make it to the next level, which has different rules for me to learn and a different reality for me to exist in.
today i didn't hit the gym, it wasn't scheduled. i had breakfast and made Syd a breakfast sandwich. i went to my meeting and Bob, the secretary, wasn't there again. i was irritable because of the undercurrent of the absences i mentioned. i called Bob after the meeting and found he's been in the hospital, had a foot infection and as a diabetic it cost him. i felt bad. i wasn't angry at him for not being there but i was all caught up in self, wanting to not go to the meeting.
i went to the store and got some stuff and Syd decided she wasn't eating here and that's okay. made a crockpot lasagna for tomorrow. had taco bell for lunch, and a Little Debbie cake as a snack as i'd been craving something sweet. egg, sausage and rice for breakfast. a hamburger patty, two cheddar brats, no bread on them, pirogis and california blend veggies, heavy on the carrots, for dinner. i started on my business plan, wrote in the Evolon poem, have been working on something i'll reveal later as far as giving Toti a voice, and feel okay. i'm about to lay down, read and sleep and get upo for the gym in the morning. dishes done, coffee ready to perk, trash out. Thank you, Jehovah, for your grace and for watching over Bob.
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