another day down.

to start an entry that way makes me feel as if this was a difficult day.  i didn't do anything special, which makes for a long day.  i was very low energy, which makes for a sleepy day, and i was thinking way too much, which made for a day of fluctuating emotions.  but it wasn't a difficult day at all.  i'm just glad its over.

i realize a part of what is troubling me is i have nothing really that i look forward to each day now.  i got up and said my prayers and got coffee and breakfast in me.  i cleaned very casually today, though other than vacuuming my bedroom i'm done.  i ate more than i should have, but that's emotional as well.  i worked out some better mixes for a composition i did today and i am seeing some direction coming to light in The Land of Evolon, so it's not been a dead day.  i don't know what i thought would happen.  maybe that Rachel would have made her way over?  that's not likely.  she's not feeling very up and she's going to spin on this merry-go-round until it makes her sicker.

i guess i have to get my shit together, so i can get moving on the publishing company.  it is my goal and i'm going to see it through.  and i don't have to have anyone's help to do it either.  but this is loneliness.  it makes me wonder about Patrice.  about how friendships nature has become that you have to just let someone be sick, or put up with their bullshit, or you jeopardize the friendship.  sad. but accurate.  i'm too old to chase people, and i'm not so old that i am willing to just take whatever emotional crumbs someone has left on the metaphorical counter for me.  i can bake my own fucking bread for all that.  little red hen and the grain of wheat, right?

i'm not doing the meeting tomorrow.  i'm going walking in the morning.  and i am grateful for this day, as it was, not as i wanted it to be.