there are times when you have to ponder what anything really means. when you have to really have to consider if anything in the world you inhabit makes any sense at all. this has been one of them days.
the usual waking up, and i did pray, but i didn't get right up. i didn't want to get up at all. i wanted to stay to myself. i'd been trying to put the whole thing with Rachel into a working mental frame of reference, but one problem that i have that i haven't yet learned to circumnavigate. i hate not having an understanding of a happening thing. i haven't had to have someone verify a truth to me in a long time. things are what they are, not because of the words someone uses to explain them, but because of how they feel, how they're done and the results they produce.
so i understood that Rachel's been feeling like she's been losing control in our 'relationship'. i know that she's felt the closeness trigger things that she hasn't talked to me about yet. i know that going to a function with me in a more professional capacity, hanging with my dad and i in a social setting, going to meet my mom, and having me try to open her corridor to free input at her leisure was a bit much for someone with severe anxiety issues. but...
to get the 'i will call, a text isn't what you deserve' and the 'can you come by so we can talk?' bit was something out of the blue. i'm used to the backing away, staying to herself, allowing the adjustment to happen and coming back around. i'm not used to the 'i want us to be friends...' when we've been friends for the past 11 years. so my mind wouldn't settle, and my own explanation was weak to me. my explanation of what's been going on, of where i am and what i'm doing and how things are going to continue to progress for me, i mean. it's been a period of going further into my own head, until today i could not function in a 'going to a meeting and doing a bunch of shit with people i'd rather not be bothered with' today.
so. i was laying in bed. i sent a text to Marc, a friend from the meeting, that i wouldn't be there. he obviously sent a text to Bob, another friend, who told me to get my ass to the meeting and be around people who cared about me. i thanked him and told him no. then Rachel texted good morning and i did as well. she asked if i was busy and i considered ignoring her and said no. she called after a bit and discerned that i wasn't doing well, which i agreed with. we talked, she asked if i wanted to pick her up and i said i would.
she came by with stuff to cook for lunch and alcohol swabs for my insulin injections. she cooked burgers for us, and she cleaned the kitchen. we talked, we played dominoes, which she'd also brought, and we went outside and looked at my unkempt hedges. between that, Bob texted me that he was on his way and he brought me a plate with haluska, a chicken breast from KFC and a piece of key lime pie which i just ate for dinner.
in that completely long and unnecessary reiteration, i am making this point, or a few actually. one, i wish i could say i feel completely better, but i don't. i feel some better, but the truth is, while Rachel said when last she visited that she was having trouble with my 'orders', as she put them, to do things in the kitchen...SHE JUST DID THOSE THINGS IN MY KITCHEN. not to mention, she brought a set of dominoes to teach me how to play, though i didn't ask her to. and that makes a lot of the past week, of the 'i know its me but i'm overwhelmed' thing sort of...dramatics, to be honest about how i feel. but that's the way it is. another thing is, and credit where credit is due, her recovery time is a lot less than it used to be. this time, she bailed on a Saturday, texted me that Saturday night, asked me to come by on Monday or Tuesday, and was back here a little over a week later. that's from a woman who has bailed on the entire world for several years in the past. but...so have i. so i guess patience is sometimes just knowing what you yourself would require from people on the outside of your personal problem, and giving that to someone who is going through the same or similar? maybe.
regardless, bed soon, the SCORE association tomorrow morning, and back to research and progressing on turning Z-Phyles into a real-world commodity. Thank you, Father, for a learning day.
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