there is a story to this, a story that i don't know.  a story that defies modern and ancient storytelling, and therefore it is a story about future things, and a future that may be closer than i know.  i have to learn to tell this story, i have to learn to interpret these vibes, because there is a great deal of life tied into knowing what i don't know about it.

i got up to prayer this morning.  it was a slow getting up.  i went to sleep to a really potent binaural groove and it was hard to get moving.  i took meds, insulin, had breakfast and thought about what i wanted to do tomorrow.  i decided i'd prep stuff because i'd rather have food to cook and not cook than to not have food and need to cook.  i went to aldi's at 9 and it was already crowded.  got steaks and chicken legs and some odds and ends stuff.  i went to dollar general after than and got household supplies.  i came home and put stuff away and worked on The Land of Evolon for a bit, and then i went to my meeting.

i talked to Lonnie for a minute but not for long and haven't been able to reach him since.  i haven't talked to Rachel yet, who will likely be returning to an initial soon.  she has retreated again, and this is wearisome, though i know it sounds like i'm doing the same shit and expecting something different.  truth is, i'm not really expecting different.  i am trying to be patient, but its not easy when there's no explanation and no understanding to be found.  and she need not explain anything to me, but it would be nice, if i've done something, to at least tell me what it is.  so i went to my meeting because i didn't want to sit around brooding.  my brother came by and i got a hat from him and gave him a microwave to give to someone who needed one.  i had a sandwich for lunch and a taco salad for dinner.  i cleaned my kitchen, cut up cabbage and onion and hot peppers for sauteeing tomorrow, i have meats marinating and in dry rubs to be ready for grilling.  my potato salad is made.  my plan is to get the hell up, go for a walk and get some writing and cooking and relaxing done.  i have to accept that R is going to go through whatever she's going to go through, that it has to do with her more than it has to do with me, and that if i want her, i'll be patient and wait it out.  we'll have to see.  but i thank Jehovah for the day.