enough

when words don't work, there's only action.

i didn't do what i wanted to do today.  that's been the course throughout the week.  i went to counseling.  i got up with prayer.  i went to visit my parents, sold a bunch of raffle tickets for sunday's meeting, checked on Lonnie's house and got meat for the freezer.  i did not get to the gym.  i did not clean my house.  i did not get anything done on my SCORE checklist.  i am in a mood and it vacillates between anger and sadness.  it's not good.

counseling was good today.  i don't know how i am going to resolve the situation with Rachel.  i don't know if i want to bother to.  to look at the calendar and see a season that will repeat every three weeks is daunting.  its as if the season is going to be summer when we do something, turn to autumn within two days, with winter being the confusion and silence and then spring when we start the insanity over again.  agitate, rinse, spin, repeat.  i'm pretty sure there's supposed to be some kind of plateau where things work out, where something better happens, where she decides she's going to face the monster, or at least that i'm worth the effort the sustained effort.  or, maybe this is that decision being attempted.  but i can't get ahead like this.

i'm hot, sticky and tired.  i'm going to shut it down and clean tomorrow as usual.  have to pick up Lonnie and his caravan in Cleveland tomorrow afternoon.  at least its something to do.