well, today was pretty emotional for me. i did the things that i set out to do, and maybe even a few more. but i felt the sadness of my reality as heavy as a winter coat in the middle of the ocean, and i felt it pulling me down.
i know Syd is just doing her thing, and i don't really oppose because i've not been able to do anything special for her summer vacation. but it puts it into a very clear focus, that i spend an awful lot of time by myself these days, and it's not as much fun as i sometimes try to convince myself it is. she left today early in the morning, and i was irritated, just because it's evident that she is not going to be here much as time goes on. and while i do relish the solitude, i never thought it would be so all-encompassing. Rachel is in the hospital, sugar out of control i'll wager. silence from my usual reach out places. i gave lasagna to my mom and my brother, ate some for dinner and put the rest in the fridge. i composed most of a song using apps on my phone, which is pretty damn fun, but not as much as if i were doing it with Rachel. i felt like crying most of the day, but no tears came. so i'll walk tomorrow, and i'll go to counseling, and i'll finish the month and begin another. if i am blessed to awaken to a new day, that is. God's will be done.
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