going through another wormhole

it's been about a fifty/fifty day.  i got some things done, i didn't hurt myself too much, and i feel my gravity is restored, though the settings are a bit off still and i feel the heaviness.  but i'm ready to roll, and i guess that counts for something.  i got up and prayed and moved slowly.  i think the mental state is translating into some physical distress, particularly in my feet, but truth is i was still not feeling motivated.  but i took meds, and i had breakfast, and i started my day.  i laid about for a bit, thinking that today was the day we had to go meet with the PTI people, but that is next thursday, so i kept is casual on a hot summer day.  i cut the front of my yard early and Jo cut the back, and i talked to Syd about some things.  i reworked the mix on my song Echo and i wrote a poem to get some things out of me.  had lunch and dinner, talked to my mom and dad, and now i'm about to shut it down.  Rachel has been texting me in the evening hours, but i've not responded much.  again, the realization that this shit isn't going to change, and that if it were i, and she were something i really wanted but something in my head was standing in the way, i'd at least address the thing in my head, if i couldn't work it all the way through.  but that's me.  tomorrow i'm going to the gym.  i'm going to counseling and i'm going to check my finances to see if i can get through the next two weeks.  God's will be done.  i'm out.