i had a rough time getting out of the bed and a rougher time getting up again. i said my prayers, i got myself up finally, took insulin and meds and had a cup of coffee, had breakfast and i laid back down. it was really early and i was pretty groggy from the sugar influx of the dinner yesrterday. i finally did get back up though, made the cd's for Rachel and wrote out and printed the recipe for the peanut butter pie and then i got myself going to the meeting.
the guy i 'sorta' sponsor, who is the continuing secretary at the meeting, wasn't there to open. as well, the irritating woman was there and was as irritating as ever. i wasn't feeling it, and i kept my distance mostly. i know my mood when i'm at that meeting is not good, and i have to work on that. i am supposed to be a power of example, but it doesn't seem to work so well when i try to remain positive and it doesn't make me feel good to fake any feelings at all. what i feel is what i feel.
the meeting ended and i went to take Rachel her discs. i visited with her for a few, i was really tired by that point and pretty hungry as well. i got a gyro and a pop and went to look in on Lonnie's house. i ate my lunch on his back stoop and i went to visit my parents when i left Campbell. my dad was just coming in from another urgent care visit. my mom was eating. she and her sister seem to be getting along, but i don't get the sense there is resolution by way of conversation taking place. but that's not my business.
i came home, mostly laid around, sleepy but far too early for me to sleep. around six i had the rest of my food from yesterday. i washed my dishes afterward, got my coffee ready for the morning, had a small piece of the pie that i left for Syd and Jo and i lazed about until now. i am ready to shut it down but i needed to get this in, and i am hot and not easily making it under the sleep wave. i'm going to find some fresh binaurals and try it again, but i am grateful for the day as its been.
its funny how you can know things and not have them verified for you. i am watching children at play at these meetings. i see this irritating woman thriving off the drama of someone who should know better than to be in all this drama he's in anyway. i'm seeing the almost sponsored guy likely still using, and i after all these years haven't been able to get the membership to see that they have to do what's in the best interest of the group before the individual. i am already running through excuses to not hit the gym tomorrow, but there's not one valid reason in my head why i shouldn't. i know things, i see patterns and currents and i feel the changes that come as a result of these things. i don't know that it's right, but i know that it makes me cautious and it prevents me from simply letting down my walls and trying to 'be a part' of what is going on in the meetings these days. but it's hard to work on an inside problem from the outside. so i'm going to work on it, and i just wanted to put it up here as my awareness that it needs to be worked on. i'm done. thank you, Father.
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