i spent today pretty sad, and what's worse is i knew this was coming.
i have to get some things off me now. time is out of sync, and i'm not really feeling like i want to continue this orbit. that means somehow i've gotten off into self-will again, and that's really harmful for me. but if i don't get this shit out of me, it's what my dis-ease will run with to compromise my foundation.
okay, so i went to my meeting, and i didn't want to be there. not for any specific reason, but the overall sense that it makes no difference anymore. the games are what matter the most. to do meetings where you try to bring light to the Steps and Traditions and know that the only thing that really matters to most people is the drama they can voyeuristically consume is trying for me. but the secretary didn't make it, so i was there because i was supposed to be. i didn't want to be there, but i went because i can't allow myself to be a hostage in my own life anymore.
since saturday, contact has dissolved again. i'm not really even upset about that. it's like i was saying yesterday, i'm realizing some things about what is happening on the borders of my life and it's not good stuff. Rachel has a good day with me. ends up emotionally vulnerable, then she does something or says something the next day that's supposed to make me a bad guy to some part of her and then she is gone. it hints at more than depression. the pattern of it means it's likely a diagnosible disorder of some sort, a personality disorder, but nothing gives any evidence that it's being treated. i just know i can't even feel anything but numb, because i put as much me as i could into that day, and now i'm right back on the outside, and i don't have any more me to put into this. today i got texted a picture. i didn't respond. yesterday i got a call, said i'd call back in 4 minutes, called back in exactly four minutes, and no answer. so, i don't have it in me to keep feeling in that capacity. and i've written this before, so i also feel pretty stupid in writing it again. i know people say 'the heart wants what it wants', but i don't think this is the same thing. i think i'd hoped that she would find it in herself to fight with me, but whatever else has access to her control panel is determined to keep the fight against me. so, i wait. and i'm retreating back into silence. but when Syd asked me today if i was okay, i told her no but it was just i wasn't feeling people, and i didn't direct any of it toward her, and that's progress. usually, i nitpick something and allow myself to vent at her, and i know its wrong but i do it anyway, but i'm not going to un-grow. there's not enough time left for me to play this game.
Patrice continues to send good morning texts, and i haven't answered in two days. same thing. three days ago, she called and i told her i'd call her back in twenty minutes, asked her if she'd answer the phone and she said yes. and she didn't. and this is what i am contending with. i am in a space where all i see is i've surrounded myself with unavailable people, and i count on them to do what they are incapable of doing. i've put thought into this today. Patrice, were i to call her now, or text her, and tell her i need 150 dollars, she would have it wired to me asap. to ask her to try to stay connected as she calls me her friend, that's beyond her. i don't get it, and i don't appreciate it, but i can't change anyone else. so i'm trying to work on changing me. and that's not easy, but i'm trying. i don't want to talk to her right now. i'm angry as fuck. i'm angry because just before this i sat and went through this absence wondering what the fuck have i done to this woman now. same thing i'm supposed to wonder about Rachel. and she texted me back and said i didn't do anything to her, that it was the same as it always is with her. as if that's enough. as if that's all that's required, is to say 'my bad', and 'i promise to do better'. but i am accepting this from people. i am accepting this dysfunction and this neglect. and i've done this to other people, as i also said yesterday. but i know its bad for me right now.
my dad likely hadn't even tried the banana pudding i made for him. when my mom told me that, i was irritated as hell. i don't have a reason to be. my dad eats what he eats when he eats. i know for him it's the thought. but it's like with De'ja right now. like hearing a happy father's day from De'ja at almost midnight on father's day. like not even getting a fucking card from him or Sydney. am i that inconsequential? so this is my mood. and it's killing me. it's got my forward momentum halted. it's got me depressed as all hell. i had two burgers fully dressed for dinner and a tiny salad. i just wanted it, but it numbed nothing. i'm going to see my sponsor tomorrow. i'm going to see these people from PTI, a tech school Syd is looking into for after her senior year. and i'm going to check on Lonnie's house again, though i truly don't want to go back in there. but all in all, i am just mentally and emotionally weary beyond reckoning. thoughts of not bothering with the world anymore, thoughts of being done with it all, and though they have no gravity, they are there. they are far enough that i can talk about them, but close enough to affect my tides. i need to change some major things in me, with me, and refocus on what my goals are. but i only see years of being alone, years of getting older and sicker and no one caring one way or another. years of struggling. years of regret. being an old man and realizing that i had spent years failing. and i'm having some trouble with that right now.
i don't know if i'll be okay, but i'm going to work on being okay. its all i can say today. i know i'm not grateful enough, and i'm not going to pretend i am. this sucks, my attitude sucks also, but i'm being honest at least. good night.
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