good morning

orbit continues unabated at this time.  yesterday was rough in its ending, and needs to be documented now.

i got up yesterday and made my way to the gym after prayer.  it wasn't as hard as it has been the previous week.  i did almost a mile on the treadmill, about 22 minutes, and i did some weight machines.  i came home and took meds, took inventory of which i am running out of and how much is left, and i took my insulin.  i had far too much food for breakfast and lunch, with the awareness that i was anethesizing emotionally.
qualifying that:  i'd been out of touch with Rachel (not minimizing her name any longer) since Saturday morning.  it is far from the first time, and i knew what the situation was but it doesn't make it less of a frustrating thing.  so i knew i had some decisions to make.  i paid my electric, gas and cable bills.  i began to worry that i wouldn't have enough money left to get through the month, a common worry.  i also began to realize that i do the same or similar thing or things every month and that progress was limited because there were steps that weren't being taken.  and putting time into trying to keep Rachel in my life (i was going to say 'wasting' time, but that's not accurate) is time that could be better spent advancing my plan to publish books.
Rachel is afraid of committing.  there is no getting around that.  what put this episode in place was her feeling that i do 'tit-for tat' when dealing with her or with other people.  what the situation actually was, with as much objectivity as i can put into this, is me wanting her to feel a part of instead of just the recipient of my attention.  Rachel is not working, is trying to get disability, feels bad because she can't do a lot of things and is still in a compromised situation as to her emotional foundation.  she has been, altering her state is how we'll put it, on a daily basis from what i can see.  when she was here friday she was drinking wine, which i use to cook certain things with, table wine true, but as a diabetic, wine is one of the worst things for her.
i have no judgment over anyone's habits, but when i see an increase in intake, an inability to face certain very important realities in life and doing things that are harmful due to existing conditions, i believe that something is lurking in the shadows where only the individual in question can see it.  and so there are no forthcoming answers until the pain gets great enough.  my wonderment is, am I that thing lurking in the shadow?  is our relationship so stressful for her, just being in it, i mean, that she has to be high and drinking to bother with it?  and if so, that bodes poorly for a future between us.  i don't think it's permanent.  Rachel is intelligent, she's creative and she has a big heart.  she's shown in the past that she can modify or eliminate poor choices, she can make better decisions and act upon them.  but as in the case with the book, when things hit too close to home she tends to flee.  and i can't have a relationship with a notion.
so, let's get on with it.  Rachel finally called in the afternoon, asked if i would come by so we could talk.  i figured what was coming, and decided it was time.  the gist of it:  Rachel says she knows it's likely her, but that i do seem to be a person who expects return for things done, though again she knows its likely her perception.  she knows she's afraid but she doesn't know what to do about it or if she wants to do anything about it.  she wants us to be friends, but she doesn't know how much further in she wants us to go.
i told her that i would be whatever it was she wanted to be, but that she was reading me wrong from where i could see.  i wasn't asking for any return on the basis of wanting her to hold up her end, per se.  as stated earlier, i wanted her to be a part of.  i told her that she has the habit of taking a contrary stance to anything that i say, and that it makes it almost impossible to map a course for us.  when i cook, she says i always cook.  when i say she can take the next turn, she runs away and i'm doing tit-for-tat.  i told her that i would love her and wouldn't stop, but that 'love alters not where it alteration finds'.  i also told her if she wanted me out of her life, she would have to have the balls to tell me that herself, that there would be no defaulting out of our thing on my part.  that may have been a lie, but i can't say that just yet.  today it is not a lie.
i've been researching the steps needed to start my business for real.  i'm going to put some work into that every day until Z-Phyles Publishing is a physical entity.  i am going to get to the gym thursday, i am going to be slow motion today as it is going to be a scorcher, and i am going to start my entry for today in the evening.  my head has been hurting for hours, likely stress, and i need to get some work done on the company.  thank you, Father, for keeping me moving forward.