maybe-me

i can't remember where this comes from.  might actually be one of my Columbus pics, survived this long in my archives. but i'm sure it's from sometime in my more recent past, possibly on a visit to Columbus.  but it is a good depiction of what is brewing inside me right now.

quick recap on the day.  it wasn't bad, structured and executed as stated.  still need to put in some applications, but likely that's going to be in the morning.  i got up and prayed and ate the other half of my frittata from yesterday.  i read from Ephesians and a bit from Galatians, and i read my meditation book.  i took meds and insulin.  sugar was a tad high, but not alarmingly so.  i had time to kill so i got my mac & cheese and chicken in the oven, got them both finished before i went to my CA meeting.

i got there early, chaired the meeting, didn't enjoy the reading very much but that's okay; they can't all do it for you.  i came home, talked to Lonnie to make sure he was still convalescing, and i finished my dinner and waited for my brother to come.  when he got here we broke bread and talked, and he went on his way after dinner and i kept it casual.  i just finished cleaning my kitchen and now i'm thinking on things from the week.

my brother asked me how i was digging being here, and to be honest, it is taxing, though i am grateful.  i'm not with the being alone thing, not the 'living alone' thing particularly.  i did send Syd a text last night, and got back a response, which is something anyway.  but even now, the daylight fades, soon i'll be working on sleeping, and i will be in the cocoon of light that is this particular monitor, waiting for daylight to come again, alone with no one to talk to.  Seal said on his first album, "It's Loneliness that's the Killer", and i've always thought that was simple yet profound.  i think about Rachel, about if she was here.  but I'm not really ready for anyone to be here yet.  i've got a couch to clean, and i've got floors to refinish and wall paper to pull down.  i've got work to do, but that only makes the disconnect more profound.  i'm not ready for anyone to be here but i miss having people around.

when you dig a hole out of your life, and there's nothing to fill it with, it's easy to fill it with What If's and memories.  but the truth is, Rachel is where she is for a reason, and i am where i am for a reason.  i don't know why, but i know it's the truth.  meanwhile, apps to fill out, a doctor's appointment tomorrow, bills to pay in the coming days and weeks.  things to do.  and i have to stay out of my own way, have to not let myself grow desperate and despondent.  because that's when the fucked up decisions get made, and that's when the cost of being me becomes way too expensive.

i am not a mannequin.  i have feelings, emotions and preferences.  i love contact with humans.  i miss hugs, i miss kisses, but i won't die for lack of them.  i'll just be in withdrawal for a while longer.  won't be the first time, right?

thank you, Jehovah, for a safe day.