certainly, this was a rough day. certainly, i ride this rollercoaster in the valley of despair, so that the highs of this ride are still subterranean. yes, i am wearied of feeling poorly, but i am not the author of this chapter. i am just a character in this play.
when i woke, it was early again. but oh, what a difference a day makes, as the song goes. i didn't feel the getting up walking thing. i thought about her all night, and i woke thinking about her too. so i got up and started to move. prayers for others, meditation book and scriptures. medicines and insulin. water and coffee. i decided i'd get breakfast before counseling. i went upstairs and got on the computer for a moment, then used the bathroom and shaved my face and head. studying me, i could find no redeemable thing, but i go through that sometimes.
i came back downstairs and i took a shower. i got dressed. fixed a to-go cup of coffee and got out the door. took my bag as if i were going to get some work done. one day, it might happen. i went to the Bell and got cheap eats and ate in the parking lot of the JCC before i went to counseling.
it was a rough session. i feel so ashamed to be honest, because the bitterness is beginning to well up in me. my counselor is a wonderful person. honestly, to put up with me in this mode is not a pleasant thing, and she does not shy away from my ugly mood. she makes reasonable the insanity, and that's a pretty firm handhold, and an appreciated one, though i don't express it as such at the time.
from counseling i went to my parent's house. i made my mom an omelet and got her coffee ready for tomorrow. i talked with her for a bit and i watched some television and i nodded briefly. then i left, picked up the tickets at Stambaugh finally, and Lonnie and i went to lunch, which was a great experience. i thanked Lonnie for his friendship; he also is one of the islands i have to cling to so often now. but how much worse would my life be without those islands? and therefore, should i feel burdensome or grateful?
eventually home. stopped at the meat market, got two western ribs and two sweet potatoes, some super--sharp cheddar and a brick of Goya coffee. i got a vacuum cleaner from my uncle Kenny. i got my ribs in the oven with my sweet potato, i got coffee ready here to be turned on in the morning, i made sure the vacuum cleaner works (it does), i got my ribs sauced and a quarter head of red cabbage sauteed. dinner was beautiful and filling. i am trying to catch up with my thoughts.
lunch was such a pleasant experience that i lost track of my sadness for a moment, actually floated away in an out of body fashion on a happy wave. the picture that i posted here is from an artist i saw two weeks ago, painting at the Deyor downtown. nice work. don't completely get it, but i don't have to. tomorrow, should i be so blessed with life, i am going to steam clean the couch, vacuum the rug in here and steam clean it also. well, i'm starting with the areas i can reach, then i'll move stuff when the floor is dry and do the other side. i'm going to wash clothes and wash curtains and get them hung back up. i'm going to try to be productive, so that i can keep it moving forward. no matter how it all plays out, i know i can survive one more day,and i will one day live again. but for now, gratitude and action. one thing at a time. good night.
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