Existentialistic Meandering

...peace can be just as strange as grief, in its own way.  peace comes from acceptance, and acceptance can catch you completely off guard, when you know that you've essentially decided to simply let things be because your serenity is far more important than the events that would send it careening into a telephone pole.  and that's all they were trying to get across in the first place, i do believe.  i don't think it was ever some mystifying event to bring Zen to the recovering population.  i think it was always the reality that life, dabbled in too greatly, can kill you sure as shit, and that until you learn that the fire is hot you're going to keep getting burned.  at least, that is my take on it right now. 

yeah, today was a void of a day, but it wasn't bad at all.  i prayed and ate.  had a hankering for pancakes this morning, and i'd gotten sugar free syrup yesterday, but i didn't realize i had no flour.  so my improvisational skills were put to the test, and some masa flour and some leche limber that was souring in my fridge made the perfect bases for some cornmeal pancakes, with bacon and eggs on the side.  after that, i commenced to cleaning rightaway.  i got my upstairs bathroom done, got the office swept and some boxes out of the path of movement.  i went downstairs and found that my 'acquired' vacuum cleaner works, but i need bags for it.  still, i vacuumed the bedroom floor, i got the dishes washed and the surfaces cleaned in the kitchen, got the bathroom cleaned downstairs, stripped my bedding and gathered clothes and got a load done while i finished cleaning and mopped floors and once my clothes were dry i took a shower and shaved and got myself together. 

i went north to my parent's house, but they were not home.  i went to Arby's, today was their venison sandwich launch.  completely not worth it.  i am now sad that any deer gave its life for them to make that low level of sandwich.  meat craft, my ass.  anyway, i visited with my mom when she got back, put my dad's banquet food away after 'acquiring' some for myself, took a slight nap and i came back home.  i haven't done much of anything since returning home.  texted Syd, she and Joe are shopping for appliances for their new apartment, and i texted Chris.  i've not spoken to a host of regulars in quite some time again, and am not rushing to do so.  you have to ask yourself from time to time:  if you acknowledge that you could be in the wrong, not that you ARE, but acknowledge tha possibility that you COULD BE, and so you adjust your way of doing things to try to be more conscious in your actions toward others, and they STILL do the same things that you had to reason your way into checking your own side of the street for, then maybe it's time to just let go.  sometimes you have to do that.  sometimes, it really is the other person that is fucked up.  and trying to apologize for what one hasn't done is idiotic and an invitation to future abuse.  no, i have reached out to people who have left me hanging, only to be left hanging once again.  enough is too much.

so, i have no writing moving in me.  i have no singing that i want to do and i don't even have a picture to draw.  so i'm going downstairs, and i'm going to be still.  and if i am blessed with a tomorrow, i'll see what lies in the day at that time, and i'll pray and turn it over and do what i am instructed to do.  i thank God for this day, for existence and for thought.