putting in work

there's this guy i know, see?  he's a friend of mine, though he doesn't always feel that he is; because i don't always let him know that he is.  he was raised up with some pretty high expectations in a very toxic environment, and while he doesn't always understand, the cost of that combination for him, along with him being a pretty bright motherfucker, is that he tends to live inside the worst part of his thoughts, if that makes any sense.  the part of his thoughts where he judges himself for not being able to part McKelvey lake or at least walk from one side of it to the other.  he is hard on his lack of perfection, in other words.  and when things go wrong (as they always will), he figures somehow it meant he wasn't bright enough or wise enough, didn't know enough, couldn't do enough.  and he takes it very, very hard.  and the truth is, he's right.  what i mean is, sometimes, Einstein couldn't be smart enough, Solomon couldn't be wise enough, the Encyclopaedia Brittannica didn't know enough, and all the laborers in factories all over the globe can't do enough.  it's what most folks call 'reality', or 'life', if you will.  but he wasn't taught that as a child.  he wasn't taught that his best was okay, and that if it wasn't his fault, he could leave it alone and that was all that was needed.  and that's sad.  especially to see a friend punish himself that way.  especially when that friend just needs to be a friend to himself first and foremost. 

today was a good enough day.  i got up with my alarm, and i got showered and dressed.  even managed to make a call about my wifi going in and out.  i had coffee, meds, got my daily scripture from my old phone (recovered and putting in work also, YAY!), and i went to get this ultrasound done. 

i was tired; my body was, anyway.  convalescing is a process not to be taken lightly, and i'd do well to be respectful of that.  i got the ultrasound done, got myself out of the hospital and was on my way to my parents when i realized how fatigued i was.  but i was also feeling...creative.  had been lately.  and what i mean is not an implication that i'm feeling like commencing with novels.  but i get a piece of something, and it stays with me until i can get to writing it down.  it's nice, because it lets me know my brain is trying to push through, and i need that.  got a call from TruGreen, who passed over me for the customer service position, but that's okay.  at least they called, and they have some different positions being created that they'll be hiring for and i'm in consideration for one of those. 

so, right now, i'm composing.  nothing extravagant, but it's a work for a poem i'm going to write.  i'm in my office, and i'm working on something as well as putting this entry into the Journey.  and both are important, because these are some of the things i do because I like myself.  NOT, mind you, things that i do TO LIKE MYSELF.  but because i enjoy creating, writing, thinking and composing, because i enjoy good nights of sleep and good days of activity, because i still have an empire to try to build and a legacy to leave my children, regardless of their contact levels...because i know i'll never be perfect, and that's the best news i've had in a long, long time.  cause look how much i've been blessed to do chasing that insanity. 

it's a bit chilly up here, so i'm going to cut this short.  but i'll be back tomorrow.  God willing and the creek don't rise, as the old folks say.  the ones who live by the creek, anyway. 

i am blessed and grateful, and i thank you, Jehovah, for breath and healing.