alone together, alone apart

i don't know. something in the air, something's going around these days.  seems like people are fading, feeling down, blues running rampant, sickness gone wild, the whole echelon of insanity and inanities brought to bear on the modern world.  and sometimes, i feel like i have no right to this feeling that's been plaguing me continuously for the past four days, but then i know that how i feel is how i feel, just a part of the tapestry, a part of the big picture.  and i have no choice but to accept it, to pray for acceptance and keep it moving.  what else is there?

today i rode with Lonnie on his errands.  he didn't go to work because he's been sick over the weekend, an infection of e-coli apparently, and his doctor didn't get back to him until today to tell him to come in.  but first i did my morning things.  i didn't get to the gym; i'm going to be honest and say i'm not motivated because for what?  to get fit and strong enough to bear being alone?  i know, whiny bitch shit.  but that's me being honest, so i can get past it.  anyway, i prayed, i took my meds, i read my stuff, i went to my kidney doctor appointment.  the weight is creeping up, but the numbers are still good on my body chemicals. 

i went to my parent's house, made my mom coffee and a plate of ham and eggs scrambled together and a bagel.  i fixed my dad's television, got it back on the right channel so he could get cable stations anyway.  i was in communication with Lonnie at that point, and when he said he had errands to run i asked him if he could use some company.  he reluctantly said yes; not as some would hesitate because they don't want to be bothered, but because he didn't want to BE a bother.  but i assured him my motives were selfish.  i am trying to do more things because the alone-ness is weighty and dense, and sometimes i just need someone else.  asking others is not really on my agenda.  i've asked, and the responses i've received have been more along the lines of dismissals and bullshit.  but what are you going to do?

so i rode out with Lonnie, picked up a prescription, went to lunch, his doctor's appointment, downtown for some business for his dad.  i stopped at Sparkle on South Ave for soup stuff, and i saw a young lady i've not seen in a good six years, one of Robin's twins.  same age as Syd, and it was good to have someone happy to see me.  sent my greetings to her mother, but didn't really care.  i came home, gave Lonnie some juice to take his second antibiotic, started on my soup.  i had dinner, got all my stuff together for the soup (only have to wait til tomorrow and add the rice once it's cooled and won't swell anymore).  i have put in some applications, i've listened to some of my stuff.it's amazing to me, i got so much done in my Rachel period.  but i can't let that be the only way i can work, or it's over, and i have books that are waiting to be written.  i just need to remove the hooks, and i have a plan for that, but more on that tomorrow. 

TP texed me, which was unusual, asked what i was doing, and is going through her own changes with loneliness tonight.  i asked if she wanted to call or if there was something i could do.  she's crying so it's a bad night and she doesn't want me to hear or see her vulnerable.  so i will probably talk to her tomorrow.  it's loneliness that's the killer, right?

i'm grateful to God for life and for sobriety.  but i know there are things i am working on gratitude for, and i'm sorry only for not having more character to bring to bear at the moment.