convalesce...

if i go back far enough, i can find the file in my memory banks where i wasn't always coming up sick or in some kind of pain.  it is hard to find that room these days, but i remember it still.  it's okay though.  honestly, i don't believe my time is very much longer in this world.  no particular reason, i suppose.  recurring discomforts that grow steadily more painful, additional nuances each time, less motivation to fight against phantoms. i want to just leave the stress and worry, just let things end.  but that's not up to me.  and i know that.  there's no suicided ending for me.  i think of it, i do.  but the truth is, i'm on almost 29 completed years of borrowed time now, and since this time doesn't belong to me (and hasn't since 1988), my job is to keep rolling.  and roll i shall.

this was not an easy day, but it was an easier day than most have been lately.  i posted the poem i wrote on FB earlier because i thought it was a nice piece, and it resonated in my heart.  i didn't eat breakfast, but i prayed.  i got my prescription for the pain meds filled, and i saw my mom.  i got my dad his rent money and left it for him in his room.  i came home and put some things away and made myself a steak sandwich for lunch.  i washed dishes and a load of clothes.  clothes are in the dryer now, they'll have to be retrieved tomorrow.  i'm tired, sure.  energy didn't last nearly as long as i'd have liked it to.  but it is better than the week before it had been and better than yesterday.  i had half a peanut butter sandwich for dinner.  still not feeling much like eating.

i have an appointment for a renal ultrasound tomorrow.  i'm going to set my alarm clock so i can get up and shower and shave and get dressed, i don't have the energy left today.  but i'm grateful, more so that i had been lately, as i can say honestly that i feel discernibly better at this moment.  now, if i don't shit in the bed, i'll consider this day a win.  thank you, Father.