my thought is this: if you end your night on a bad note, you should as soon as your heart and spirit changes make note of it, because you cannot allow yourself to linger there.
in my spirit, there is a hole, that is the truth. Rachel filled a great portion of that hole, but the hole was not my entire spirit. the hole wasn't even a significant portion of my spirit. and she did not fill it completely. not diminishing her in the least; i love her and continue to love her. but i'd told her honestly at one point that i had learned enough that i could live without her, that she wasn't a need. i know it hurt her to hear it, but it was the truth then, and it's the truth now. what do i miss? i miss her company. i miss her touch, her presence, her conversation. but what else do i miss? i miss Sydney and De'Ja. I miss having friends to call. i miss people at my dinner table. i miss having a body in my bed. i miss writing. i miss my old phone. i miss my grandparents. i miss the 12 step fellowships being the way they were when i got sober. i miss the Columbus of my poetry days.
that's a big hole, but some have much bigger holes. and Rachel did not fill all those holes.
she had holes too. and i did the same for her, and i did not fill all of hers. i don't know what she really wants. and not knowing that is the answer to the question mark. i don't know what she really wants. and she doesn't know either. therefore, she has to have her life. and i have to have mine.
i got up early this morning. for a change, i didn't struggle against it. i said a prayer at 3 in the morning. i pissed and turned on my coffee and i got dressed. pants and a tee shirt and a long sleeved shirt and my high top Nikes. i put on my vest, turned on the porch light, and went for a walk. i walked 15 minutes, almost to Landsdown, and turned and walked back. fifteen minutes takes me to the food truck that i frequent. the second half is uphill and works me out. i was tired and sweating, but i feel good. it felt good walking in the full moon light. (ever dance with the devil...?) i have had my meds, i've read 1 Corinthians 13 on love, and i've read my meditation book. and i've had my breakfast. i'm going to go upstairs soon, i'm going to work on some writing. not editing; WRITING. and if that doesn't work, at least i'm moving in the direction i'm trying to go in.
i don't know if this will last, but it's here now, and i'm very, VERY grateful to Jehovah for strengthening my spirit.
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