love and insanity

 

...thing is, i don't know why i'm going through all this.  except for love, it's the only real reason there is.  but that doesn't really encapsulate all the insanity at this point, does it?  

tell you what.  i know the Tim on the inside is all out of sorts, but i don't believe i've made a mistake here.  i know that the reason i pushed away was because there was no more in the situation at that time between Rachel and myself.  i know that she'd come as far as she could.  she couldn't even see where she was going back and forth in her actions.  i couldn't just allow myself to continue to be subjected to that.  it wasn't fair to any part of me.

but now, i'm out of sorts.  i'm not checking my phone anymore, but everytime i see a black four door economy car that might be a Kia, i'm checking to see if its her.  that's nuts.  i mean, NUTS.  it's insane, and i've never done that kind of shit before.  so what's so different this time, except perhaps the depth of the involvement or the size of the want?  

today was hard.  i was up early, but i didn't go walking.  i did pray, and i went back to sleep for a bit, but not long.  i got up, did my readings and my medicines and had my breakfast, and i went back to sleep again for a bit.  i talked to Chris, and i talked to my dad, and then i was heading north to help my dad load some things into his car.  

my only other thing was taking Lonnie to Pennsylvania, he had to get a rental as his car is being recalled for a major repair.  that took the whole of the afternoon.  and afterward i came home.  i haven't been back to Struthers.  i haven't driven up the street on the south side.  i'm trying to let it go, but it is sunk into me.  i can't write a letter; i can't do it unemotionally, i guess i should say.  i need to let this go, and i can't.  

tomorrow i have counseling.  i don't know if it will help.  i don't know if anything will.  but i'm going to fight to survive until i can live again. it's my only other option, the only other preferable one anyway.

i got through another day, and i thank God for the blessing of that.