...the lunatic is in my head...

i have to hope it's possible to write some of this crazy away.  this feeling has been on me for a week now, and it's not abating.  it is if anything slowly intensifying, and i feel as if i am filling with a poison gas that is going to explode and take me and everyone with it.  that is how it feels.  i don't feel like acting any particular way, but it is very depressing, very heavy, very burdensome, and my mind wants to default to a quick, fail-safe solution to these financial dilemmas that may be more prominent in my head than anywhere else.  but it is real in my head.  it is true in my feelings, and that means i have to do something about it, at least internally.

i did nothing except wake up and take my medicine today.  i didn't stretch, didn't exercise, didn't read.  i didn't go to the Hall.  i went to my CA meeting, took spaghetti for the potluck.  but i didn't do the constructive things that make a day a day for me.  i went to my parent's house after the meeting and made them some fried potatoes and kielbasas.  i talked to my mom, gave my dad his CD's he asked me to burn for him.  i talked to Lonnie and i talked to Rachel.  i got dinner cooked at home.  i talked to Syd about the financial situation and about the state of mind i'm in right now.  i didn't want to, but i do full disclosure, because only by making someone fully aware do you allow them to be fully accountable for their responses and reactions to you.

i am trying to be still, and trying to move at the same time.  i have to check my bank accounts, see what money i have.  i have payments i still have to make.  i've yet to get groceries.  i've yet to actually fill up my tank.  i have to get tires for my car.  i need a fucking job.  i am not working on my promotions.  i'm not writing.  i have no inspiration for any of that.  that is the goal of this year, and yet i'm stuck.  i feel like maybe i'm just trying to undermine myself.  i don't have anything to say about God in this.  my Father has provided me with everything i need to succeed.  so why am i pulling the rug out from under my own feet?  is such a thing even possible?

finding one of my classmates has gotten a job as a recovery coach, the position that i was trained and certified so that i could get into, at the place i was supposed to get in, is like a punch in the gut.  the Retail Data position being passed over me sucks.  i have to put in more applications.  i have to get my shit together.  i am afraid.  i don't know of what.  i could end up on the street, but not likely.  i could jettison everything except rent and electric and gas, and stay here.  but that time is just about done anyway.  i don't know what i'm going to do.  i don't know why i don't know.

but there is a part of me that is looking for the big, huge crazy, and it's not there.  i got up, and i cooked for my meeting, and i got my dad his music and looked in on my mom.  i have cooked and fed my child.  i haven't been foolishly spending this month.  i know that the money is short, but money isn't everything at all.  and i have to keep plunging ahead, despite my wanting to curl up and just blow away.  not going to happen today anyway.

i'm going to get up in a bit, pay some on my cards and see what i can do about the cable thing.  i'm going to put in applications and look at the apartments for rent.  and i'm going to thank Jehovah God for not letting go of me.