I love the story of Jacob in the bible. I love it because there is nothing really glorious at all about his early life. i love it because it shows that when God makes a decision, that's just the way it is, and it doesn't have to make sense to any human beings at all. Jacob was second born but first in the spiritual line for the blessing. he was a twin who came clutching at his brother Esau's heel, as he knew he was meant for the bigger picture. Jacob had to trick his way into his blessing in so many ways. got his brother to trade his birthright for a drink, got his old, nearly blind father to give him the blessing of nations with a bowl of mutton stew and some lamb hair to fool the man Isaac into thinking he was the hairier brother, Esau. in the end, he was forced to run from his brother's wrath, he was tricked into taking two wives, which also played into the prophesy of Jehovah's promised people coming from Abraham's bosom. then, THEN, when all was said and done and he had even reconciled with his estranged, vengeful brother, he was forced to wrestle with an angel, AN ANGEL, for the rest of his blessing. nothing easy about Jacob at all.
i am afraid to pay my bills. but i'm about to do it anyway.
the most extravagant thing i've done this far into the month was buy myself a pair of house shoes, slippers to some. they are Dearform slippers, very plush inside. got them at Big Lots, they were marked down from their normal price to 12 dollars for Big Lots and they were discounted 25 percent from there. i needed them, they are my size, they fit like a dream. so i got them when i was getting supplies. and i am going to be broke before the tenth. i am going to pay my utilities. i'm going to pay my trash bill for the last time here. i'm going to see what i can put on my cards. but i am going to be broke, and i am afraid that so much is going to be left undone, and i almost can't stand that thought.
because that thought is pure self-will.
i know that Paul, from the JCC, left me a message that they are going to be finishing their call backs after the new year and not before, as he told me when i'd come in. I know from going to my meeting today that Carolyn from Gateways/Neil Kennedy is still working on getting me in as a recovery coach. i know Jehovah is showing me that i need to stop worrying and take care of what is in front of me and have faith. it is hard, though. it is very hard.
i got up and said my prayers. i took Syd to her bus, first time in forever. problems with her and Joe, i imagine. i came home, took meds and insulin, ate breakfast (sugar was 104) and started working on editing. i finished the first re-edit of Waiting For Jesus and started a whole comprehensive paragraph by paragraph review and first edit of the book i was working on that i was only half paid for. then i got ready for my meeting.
i went to pay the meeting rent, then opened up and found myself wondering why i continue to do this stuff. there was a bag on the counter in the coffee area that looked like a colostomy bag full of piss. at least that is what it looked like to me. and i thought to myself, 'i come here, i clean up after the meeting on Tuesday night because they don't seem to know how to clean after themselves, i set up for people who won't volunteer to do anything more than they're doing, i am now waiting until almost 12 noon and there's no one here, and why do i do this? i could be working on a first new year campaign, i could be finishing editing. i could be working on promotion for Mechanical Jesus. lots of stuff i could be doing'. but instead, i called Gary who was on his way, and then some artsy looking blonde walked in right before he did. she looked pretty dazed and confused, but her pointed toed pumps looked as if the flowers were hand painted, and she had a jaunty scarf wrapped around her neck. and she looked for coffee and, finding none, began to prepare to make a pot. another new woman walked in, and by new i mean i'd not seen either of them before, and then three regulars, and then we had a meeting. i took the artsy blond to Campbell, because her ride hadn't shown and she said she left her phone in their car, whomever 'they' were.
i went to the store and got a roast and a red onion and a can of soup. i went to another store and got Syd iced tea. i came home, had my lunch of soup and a turkey cutlet sandwich, and i got an antique meat grinder from my brother. Syd came in and went to lay down and i began to work on dinner. that is where i am now.
i don't know what the fear is, exactly. i am not really cultivating an image of a mogul, because that's fake. i do believe in 'act as if', but i also believe in not counting money that is not in your hand to count. i intend to sell books. i intend to develop authors. i also intend to make money. but right now, my funds are limited and they go out quickly. so tonight, i'm going to pay or pay on bills. i'm going to trust that Jehovah will be right on time, as He always is, and i'm going to not let fear win this war.
people have said, erroneously, that fear and faith can't live in the same house. but they always have, and they always will. the important thing to remember is...don't give fear the keys to the crib. i'm wrestling for my blessing.
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