this has been a very tiresome day. i think i opened too many doors in counseling that stayed open through most of the day, and i haven't really gotten them closed yet. but i have to do so, because i have to function beyond this day and this moment, though it is the only moment that i have right now.
when i got up today i was on point. i prayed and stretched and did crunches. i drank water and coffee and i read my scripture and meditations and i got my ass to the gym on time. it was bitterly cold, but i went anyway, because it's what time it was. i did half treadmill/half weights and felt good leaving out. i came home, took meds, insulin, had breakfast and chilled until it was time for counseling.
we talked about just about everything today. but we started with faith, and that opens a lot of doors that are connected to it. it was a good session, don't get me wrong. but when i left i was weary, mentally so more than physically. i returned home without going to the store and i called Lonnie and set up a lunch thing with him and i had some soup and i tried to watch some tv and i storyboarded a bit. i had went to the store and found some rope lights for a spot i'm going to film soon, and i got some seasonings i was needing. but that's part of the problem. with money lacking, anything i spend has to be accounted for. it's impossible to enter a day without the reality of spending money being a part of it. it is a miserable feeling to sit on pins and needles, knowing that you're going to run short and just wondering when it's going to happen. but i have to act out of faith, i have to let my belief be that the better thing is coming, and i have to ask for strength where i lack it to keep moving forward.
i took Lonnie to lunch because he did my bookmarks for me. i went to pick up Rachel and took her to a couple stores she had to go to. i put gas in the car. i had leftovers for dinner. i am in the process of cleaning now. i will go to the store tomorrow, as i'm having Rachel over and refuse to be a bad host. i have a bit of money put aside, but this is the 6th day of the month.
and i don't believe it means that i am weak, i don't believe it means that i am fucking up. i am doing the best i can with what i have. i am not living like a beggar, but i am far from living a lavish life. i am just trying to live like a human who is moving toward something better. i guess it would suck for anyone, worrying incessantly. but i just read in Matthew today about not worrying about what you will eat or where you'll sleep or what you'll wear, because God knows what you need before you ask. i just read that this morning, so i know a part of this is to see how i am going to respond. not a test from God, but a test from Life, and the benefits will belong to me. or the consequences, if i can't keep my head up.
we'll just let today be what it has been, a good day with a lot of thinking. and tomorrow will reveal itself in its own time. thank you, Jehovah, for reminding me that You are running the show.
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