brain fry

getting to me now, i have to admit.  bonehead mistake, enough for me to have to look at chilling and putting some things on a re-prioritizing basis.

but the day was good enough.  i woke a bit late, because my schedule doesn't really have an alarm for wednesday waking.  but i was up at five, and though my mind tried to talk me out of going, i went to the gym.  i said my prayers, i got dressed and got my ass out of the house.  i did weights, and i'm pretty sure i overdid it a bit, but it's been awhile, and i wanted to push myself some.  still the residuals of all this fretting about things i can't change at the moment.

i got home and had a text from Rachel, that she had been up for a long time, couldn't fall back asleep.  i texted her to call me if she was still up.  we talked for a bit, and she ended up asking me if i could pick her up from counseling.  again, the fretting, as i am on limited gas.  but i rearranged my schedule and told her no problem.  then i got my clothes gathered, took a bath, finished bundling Patrice's books, got everything loaded into the car and went to my parent's to do clothes.

while there, i put the last of Sunday's food into freezer bags and into the freezer.  i dried a load of my dad's clothes, i washed the dishes.  i got my storage bowl and roaster, and my mom gave me some sweetener to take with me.  i loaded my bundles (including some dressing and mac n cheese for Rachel) into the trunk, went back in, checked my bank accounts, went and folded my dry clothes and left.

i went downtown and got Patrice's package mailed.  i went and picked up Harry for the meeting, as he'd called me and asked for a ride.  we got things set up and we had a meeting.  AG was at the meeting.  I hadn't seen her since we went to lunch last month, beginning of this month, i can't remember.  she asked when she and her fiancee and Rachel and i could hang out, i told her i'd think about it.  in my experience, it is never a good thing to let too many 'maybe's' determine the events of one's life.  after the meeting, i took Harry home and i went to Struthers.

this is where the fun really started.

i stopped at McDonalds and got two McChicken sandwiches, $2.  i was talking to Lonnie, but i was already compromised, as i had called him a moment before but was so busy thinking about finances that i never spoke into the phone.  barely remembered dialing him at all.  so at the window, i gave the cashier my card...for the account that had .78 cents in it.  i realized it and asked her to cancel, but the transaction had already gone through.

i went to Struthers, stopped at Family Dollar to look for some of the supplies i need to do my commercial for Mechanical Jesus, but i didn't feel inclined to spend the money on them.  i could feel the squirrels trying to run their gamut again.  i left without buying anything and i went next door to wait for Rachel to finish her appointment.

she came out and asked if i could take her to Family Dollar.  she got some things, got me a tea and some pork rinds, and i took her home.  she got two apples for me, to use with my sausages.  i told her what was happening in my mind and that i needed to do a reset.  we parted, she is very good at calming me.  nice to have empathy.

i came home, went to pee.  Syd and Joe were sitting in the driveway.  i went to the bank and put in 10 dollars, which comes from the meeting and will have to be replaced next week.  but it keeps my account from defaulting.  my back is screaming.  i took some Tylenol, aspirin and a cup of coffee, which is a great migraine deterrent but a lousy back pain reliever.  i cooked dinner.  i texted AG back that i'd come visit her and her fiance on Saturday.  of course she'd pick a Saturday.  that's the day Rachel and I hang out.  but i'm going to work it out. said i would and i will.

all told, though, the issue is me deciding to give fear the keys for the vehicle today.  there is nothing i can do.  i'm looking for work and getting no callbacks yet.  but that YET is very important.  it's not going to be easy.  i've been off the work-grid for 10 years.  but Jehovah has something good in store for me, i know he does.  meanwhile, i have food.  i have shelter, we have heat.  the trash is on the curb.  i have some gas in my car.  i have a few dollars in the bank (different bank account).  i have some money coming in from some book sales.  i am doing what i need to do, getting done what i can.  the serenity prayer says to accept what i cannot change, and HAVE THE COURAGE TO CHANGE WHAT I CAN.  keep it in mind, motherfucker.  i am grateful to my God for being wise, loving and allowing me to grow and change.