...in time, a person learns what they need to know.  and the lesson is as varied as the amount of individuals currently learning any given lesson.  it is intrinsically true that no two people will approach any given situation the exact same way, yet there are only so many responses in the human physiology.  so, the nuances, the knee-jerk reactions, the grooved responses, the muscle memory and a myriad of other infinitely tiny cues must be the reason that each individual approaches a particular situation or learning in their own particular way.

i had a good day today, though i was only a partial participant in it.  i got up way too early, long before four, and though i drowsed a bit, i still got up and said my prayers and got the day started way before my alarm was scheduled to go off.  i did stretches, crunches, got up and took my blood sugar, read my bible and meditation books, had coffee and water and went to the gym.  it was a treadmill day, and the walk was pretty easy.  my heart rate is much better controlled now, and it is time to begin increasing distance, since i refuse to be hurried by anyone.

i left the gym and came home and took my insulin and meds and had breakfast eventually.  i then did a lot of nothing, and i am not proud to admit that.  i did not feel there was anything in particular that required my effort at that time.  i went to my parent's house and spoke with them and had a sandwich for lunch.  pretty sure the potato salad i ate was too old, but i ate it anyway.  bet i'll pay for that tomorrow...😭😭😭😭

anyway, i left there about a quarter after 1, going down to the city jail for a visit.  got a collect call from Heather, which i didn't answer as i never do.  possibly it was a request for a later visit, as she was not present when i went in and up to visit her.  but i did go there, and we'll talk soon enough i'm sure.  i came home, talked to Lonnie for a good while, and watched some Twilight Zone.

Syd bought pizza for dinner, and some wings for me.  i've eaten, i've rested though i've been unable to nap.  i am now waiting to pick my aunt up from the bus station and take her back to the house, and then my day is done.

i've gotten my aunt from the bus station, and i have returned home.  i've spoken to Rachel for a good amount of time.  i am weary, from not napping.  i am going to the gym tomorrow.  that's the plan anyway.  and i am grateful and thankful to God for a very peaceful day, in which i once again was able to see how my God does what he does on his own time, and it's always right on time.  good night.

...before i leave

well, it's been a different kind of day.  i am satisfied with myself at the moment, and that hasn't happened much lately, so that's a good thing.  i'm on my way to an AA meeting, i have to give the lead today, share my story, my experience, strength and hope.  when i feel compromised like this, i hate having that obligation.  but i have found that being true to life is much better than fabricating a false happiness.  because change comes and it doesn't even stop at the grave.  but sobriety is possible through the worst of situations.

i got up and said my prayer today.  i didn't go to the Hall, and i didn't go to my meeting.  but i did apologize to Jehovah for my ingratitude.  my attitude has been horrible, and i know it.  i still have enough meat in my freezer to end the month.  i still have heat, i still have clothes, i still have shelter.  my car has gas in it.  my child is safe. i have nothing that i need to complain about.  so this blues, though partly seasonal, partly residual and partly organic, is amplified by my pre-programmed proclivity toward making mountains out of molehills.  i took my blood sugar and then got to work.  i have all the computer images i need for one of the scenes for my MJ commercial.  i had breakfast, i watched some television.  i did my stretches and my crunches.  i did, through the day, a picture for a flyer for Mechanical Jesus, since i can't keep 'borrowing' other people's images for my backgrounds.  i finished it and the flyer.  i talked to Lonnie early, i talked to Rachel later in the day.  i had soup and a personal pizza for lunch.  i feel better.  i'm not 100 percent, but i'm not zero either, and i'm happy enough on whatever the needle falls on.  i am going to do this meeting, find me some dinner, and i'm going to start the day like i end it, with positive thoughts and a willingness to move forward.  and put in a few applications when i get home as well.  i love my Creator, I am thankful to my God, and i am blessed with friends and family who love me.  that is my riches, my abundance.

time to fight (making soup)

there are times when it seems like down is the direction i am heading and there is no other choice for me.  there are times where it just feels like heaviness is synergetically increasing, that gravity is pulling me through the crust of the earth, down into the subcutaneous levels and that i will become a resident of my own grave far before my time.  there are times when i am poetic in my self-fucking pity.

all these are accurate at this moment.  it's time for all of them to meet some resistance, at least.

i didn't do a fucking thing yesterday, and i haven't done much today.  i cancelled my time with Rachel because my money is very short, and though we don't do extravagant things (yet), i don't like not being able to at least cook something good for her.  i have been to the store today, but i kept it simple with ingredients for a chicken/pork stir-fry.  packs of meat were both under $2, and nothing i spent came to more than $13 total.  lunch today was $2 from taco bell.  refilled my candy bowl.  I went to see AG and her new fiance, but no one answered the door or my call.  a waste of time and gas.

i have been playing a 9-ball game app on FB.  i have been vegging on the Twilight Zone.  i have been speculating about things i need to get my spot for Mechanical Jesus done.  finally, i've had enough of the smell of my own ass.

it is time to refocus.  so i'm making soup.

(not my soup, but similar)

i did pray this morning.  i did do my readings this morning.  i do have my resources today.  i can work on cleaning my house today.  i have my health today.  i have mobility today.  on a cold winter day, i have a roof and some heat.  i have enough gas to get by the next couple of days.  i have a bit of money in my accounts.  i get more money on Friday.  counseling was good, and i visited my mom and dad yesterday.  i am not doing a bunch of stuff, because i don't at this moment have a bunch of stuff to do.  i will call my brother Rob in PA, see what's what.  i will do what i can to prepare to start filming my spot for MECHANICAL JESUS, because that's how business gets done.  and i will do whatever Jehovah God puts in front of me today, because if He puts it before me, He will also have put the way to tend to it within me.  that is the truth.

the soup will be okay.  the day is a blessing, and i am grateful for it.

drag time

this has been a miserably boring day.  it didn't have to be, but it was, and maybe that's for the best right now.

i can only say this.  i am grateful to have a place where i can be this lethargic and unmotivated.  i know that is not guaranteed and will, in fact, be changing soon.  but at this moment, i have shelter, i have food and water, and i have utilities.  that is good enough.

i didn't go to the gym today.  i prayed, i took meds and insulin.  i ate, but i also kind of grazed lightly through the day.  i talked briefly with Rachel and Lonnie, with my dad.  i heard from my mom late in the day.  i did nothing.  worked on nothing.  thought about everything.  in the end, i just sat still, because i didn't want to try to make a pocket full of change spend like a million bucks.

funny.  at the meeting yesterday, i told AG that i was broke, and then i talked my way backwards out of that situation.  i knew she would have given me some money, but i didn't want to continue that kind of thing.  she's a good friend.  you don't manipulate good friends.

i'm about to go to sleep.  counseling tomorrow.  guess i'll know what i'm supposed to know when tomorrow gets here.  i am appreciative of having life.  there are so many who are not so blessed at this moment.  Thank you, Father.

brain fry

getting to me now, i have to admit.  bonehead mistake, enough for me to have to look at chilling and putting some things on a re-prioritizing basis.

but the day was good enough.  i woke a bit late, because my schedule doesn't really have an alarm for wednesday waking.  but i was up at five, and though my mind tried to talk me out of going, i went to the gym.  i said my prayers, i got dressed and got my ass out of the house.  i did weights, and i'm pretty sure i overdid it a bit, but it's been awhile, and i wanted to push myself some.  still the residuals of all this fretting about things i can't change at the moment.

i got home and had a text from Rachel, that she had been up for a long time, couldn't fall back asleep.  i texted her to call me if she was still up.  we talked for a bit, and she ended up asking me if i could pick her up from counseling.  again, the fretting, as i am on limited gas.  but i rearranged my schedule and told her no problem.  then i got my clothes gathered, took a bath, finished bundling Patrice's books, got everything loaded into the car and went to my parent's to do clothes.

while there, i put the last of Sunday's food into freezer bags and into the freezer.  i dried a load of my dad's clothes, i washed the dishes.  i got my storage bowl and roaster, and my mom gave me some sweetener to take with me.  i loaded my bundles (including some dressing and mac n cheese for Rachel) into the trunk, went back in, checked my bank accounts, went and folded my dry clothes and left.

i went downtown and got Patrice's package mailed.  i went and picked up Harry for the meeting, as he'd called me and asked for a ride.  we got things set up and we had a meeting.  AG was at the meeting.  I hadn't seen her since we went to lunch last month, beginning of this month, i can't remember.  she asked when she and her fiancee and Rachel and i could hang out, i told her i'd think about it.  in my experience, it is never a good thing to let too many 'maybe's' determine the events of one's life.  after the meeting, i took Harry home and i went to Struthers.

this is where the fun really started.

i stopped at McDonalds and got two McChicken sandwiches, $2.  i was talking to Lonnie, but i was already compromised, as i had called him a moment before but was so busy thinking about finances that i never spoke into the phone.  barely remembered dialing him at all.  so at the window, i gave the cashier my card...for the account that had .78 cents in it.  i realized it and asked her to cancel, but the transaction had already gone through.

i went to Struthers, stopped at Family Dollar to look for some of the supplies i need to do my commercial for Mechanical Jesus, but i didn't feel inclined to spend the money on them.  i could feel the squirrels trying to run their gamut again.  i left without buying anything and i went next door to wait for Rachel to finish her appointment.

she came out and asked if i could take her to Family Dollar.  she got some things, got me a tea and some pork rinds, and i took her home.  she got two apples for me, to use with my sausages.  i told her what was happening in my mind and that i needed to do a reset.  we parted, she is very good at calming me.  nice to have empathy.

i came home, went to pee.  Syd and Joe were sitting in the driveway.  i went to the bank and put in 10 dollars, which comes from the meeting and will have to be replaced next week.  but it keeps my account from defaulting.  my back is screaming.  i took some Tylenol, aspirin and a cup of coffee, which is a great migraine deterrent but a lousy back pain reliever.  i cooked dinner.  i texted AG back that i'd come visit her and her fiance on Saturday.  of course she'd pick a Saturday.  that's the day Rachel and I hang out.  but i'm going to work it out. said i would and i will.

all told, though, the issue is me deciding to give fear the keys for the vehicle today.  there is nothing i can do.  i'm looking for work and getting no callbacks yet.  but that YET is very important.  it's not going to be easy.  i've been off the work-grid for 10 years.  but Jehovah has something good in store for me, i know he does.  meanwhile, i have food.  i have shelter, we have heat.  the trash is on the curb.  i have some gas in my car.  i have a few dollars in the bank (different bank account).  i have some money coming in from some book sales.  i am doing what i need to do, getting done what i can.  the serenity prayer says to accept what i cannot change, and HAVE THE COURAGE TO CHANGE WHAT I CAN.  keep it in mind, motherfucker.  i am grateful to my God for being wise, loving and allowing me to grow and change.

the poems come...

this has been a better day.  i don't have a lot to journal on, as i didn't do a whole lot today.  but it was a day of being grateful, a day of moving through the things that needed to get done, and a day of resting.

i got up and said prayers, turned off the alarm before it rang.  i can't nap for shit, but i sleep nights and get up like clockwork.  i did my crunches and stretches, i got my gym clothes on.  i read from my 24 hour books, but not from the bible.  i went to the gym, i did the treadmill and i got a woman's email whom i'd said i was going to write a poem for.  when i got home, i did editing and got Syd out the door.  i took my insulin, had breakfast and then took my pills.  edited some more, then i started bundling up Patrice's books for shipping.  i wrote a poem according to her subject, then i wrote for the woman at the gym.  i emailed the one and packaged the other for shipping.  then i got my ass moving.
i went to visit TP today, as i said i would last week.  we had coffee and i listened to her and told her some of what's been going on with me.  i know i'm not as present as i used to be, and i don't know that that will change.  but i will be around as much as i can, and that's all the word i have to give.  i left, came home talking to Rachel, made myself some lunch and then laid back down, waiting for Syd's notice to meet her at her doctor's office.  i called my mother, and she didn't sound as troubled today, which was a relief.  i went to the doctor's office with Syd, then took her to St. E's for x-rays.  i have been thinking on her wanting to leave at the end of next month.  still am, so i won't speak on it just yet.

i don't have much more than that.  i've got a number for my brother and am going to call him tomorrow.  i'm going to the gym in the morning, weight day.  i'm going to buy an apple, as i need an apple to do sausages tomorrow.  going to my parents to visit and get my roaster and my storage bowl back.  i'm going to finish Felecia's book.  i'm going to get started on my next project.  i'm going to get my ass in gear.  but i am tired.  i hate being in doctor's offices where they try to seduce you into being sick and self-diagnosing with their medical ailment loops.  that's some annoying shit.  but it's the world in which we live.

my avocado plant has not been cut yet, nor has it been replanted.  when i can get a bigger pot, i'm going to give it some room to spread it's roots and get some size.  want to see how it does in the summer, if it should be hearty enough to survive this psychotic winter.  but that's the whole life thing in a nutshell; you can plant a seed, but you can't make it grow, and since you can't make it grow, you can't take credit for it's growth.  you can only thank God for his will being done, as i'm doing now.

turbulence

I notice how tired i am lately...well, for some time now.  i've attributed it to just about everything under the sun.  i'd have to say i believe i'm usually wrong, but sometimes, some days, it's so clear and evident that there is no denying, no overlooking, no misdirection.  i believe in my heart this is one of those days.

from the beginning.  i got up, said prayers, shut off my alarm before it chimed.  i got dressed for the gym, but no stretching, no crunches.  i had coffee, water, read my books and got the car warmed up and made my way to the gym at 530...to find, once i got to my treadmill, that i left my phone at home...hence, all my music.  i like being in my own space when i go to the gym.  i like to acknowledge my gym-mates, but not have to talk or to listen unless i choose to.  comfort, i know.  but it sent me home and back to bed.  because i forgot my phone because i was tired, you see.  my mind had been churning all night.  on my brother, with his audible calls of suicide.  with this thing of not being able to get a call back on a job prospect, and feeling sort of worthless because of that, but trying to keep my spirits up.  God has a plan for me, i know...

anyway, i came home, climbed back in the bed.  weary.  lethargic.  and eventually, i had some breakfast.  Syd didn't go to school today; her back was hurting.  i told her she'd have to call her doctor and make an appointment.  all the high octane meds that were here are gone.  and that becomes a concern.  we are now in a world where they will get you hooked on pills for a chronic or severe pain and you go to heroin because it's cheaper and easier to get.  i ate breakfast, read, snoozed and edited. the book is a tome of vanity and insanity.  that would be an awesome name for it.  it has left me feeling like a voyeur outside a window where the vilest acts are taking place.  but it's a pay job, so i keep doing it.  i call my mother to see how she is doing, though, and then the bottom falls out.

yesterday, during our family get-together, my sister, who is running late, tells me over the house phone that my brother is in the hospital, that he was suicidal again.  i told her to leave it alone for the moment, to just come to my parents house and have dinner and i would talk to her about it later.  when she arrived, i was worn out, no energy at all.  i texted her from my parent's driveway to not say anything to my mother.  said i'd call her later, which i did to no avail.  and telling her not to tell my mom was to no avail as well.

so when i call my mother, she's upset.  she's worrying about my younger brother.  i go into a red haze.  i am angry.  i feel like cursing my sister out.  i feel like cursing my brother out.  i don't understand this shit at all.  why would you just decide to tell my mother something that would ruin our get-together?  why would you continue to broadcast your suicidal tendencies?  i forced myself to calm, and then i called my older brother.

he came by and i talked to him and asked him to speak to our younger sister, as he is the eldest.  we talked for a bit, and he said he'd talk to her, as he could see my anger level was high.  i had tried to call the younger brother but had a wrong number for him.  i got the right number and called and no answer.  i had no energy, psychic or physical.  i laid in my bed and waited for time to visit Heather at the jail.

none of the nonsense today at the jail, though i did remove my belt voluntarily.  it was a weirdish visit.  she's down to 11 days and she wants to stay clean, according to her. but the courts want to put her on a drug, vivitrol, that sounds like it's just one more fucking chemical to make the pharmaceuticals wealthier on human misery.  but, i didn't go into that with her.  just told her to stay focused and try to help someone else suffering as she had.

i went to Sav-a-lot and got chicken and some things for dinner.  i talked to Lonnie finally, and he is in the midst of a confrontation with his dad and his family about them taking some forward proactive steps toward his dad's care, because his dad is being very disregarding of him.  it was like i was taking on brick by brick of a wall that was going to be erected around me eventually.

i talked to Rachel, but not for nearly long enough. Syd and I had dinner, and my sister had called while i was eating.  i texted her that i would call her in a few.  i ate and talked to Syd for a minute, and then i called my sister back.  at least she took ownership for the wrong of telling my mother, but she had to unload her own burdens at the same time, as she has been giving my brother (in the hospital) the same fucked up philosophy as she employs herself, to no good effect.  now i'm really tired.  sister nuts.  brother on psych ward.  mother worrying, parents struggling, Heather worried about getting high again, financial worries.  but every cake needs icing.  Chris, Syd's mother, texts me, asking why i think she's so bad at relationships, as i 'know her as well as anyone'.  now normally, i would take that as a present for my spirit, where i can unload some well-placed sarcasm bombs at someone who i know will take it.  but i can't bring myself to do so today.  i tell her what i honestly feel is her problem.  then Syd asked would i mind if she moves out at the end of February.  i tell her that i already stated i want her to wait until the school year is over.  she isn't going to listen though.  she only asked because she already decided.  so, that's been my last 36 hours.  i feel pressurized.  i'm tired in my marrow.  something will give.  i know i am in a better place, because i know of those who are in a much worse place.  everything is relative.  thank you, Father.

Successful Enough (...i suppose...)

today was the first Sunday of family dinner.  it may be the last.  it may be the first in a succession.  can't say for sure, it's not my call.  but today was the first one.

i got up this morning after fitful sleep, full of leg cramps.  i've decided i'm going to purchase some over the counter potassium pills, as i believe that may be part of the reason.  but i did sleep, and i got up to finish my turkey, and i said my prayer and i stretched and did crunches.  i got coffee made and i had a cup and some water.  i did my readings.  i uncovered my turkey and basted it and put it in the oven to brown.  i had decided i wasn't going to the Hall, that i was going to work on some of this backlog that i am accumulating, and i did that.  i did more editing on Felecia's book.  i still haven't gotten to checking out Mr. O'Bryan's work, but i will.  i did at least correspond with him.

i talked to my mother, who was still unable to get into her account and thought i was mad at her because i told her she could have just waited for me to come over, or asked me to come and help her.  i'm never going to get it through to her that i don't mind helping her, but that's her worry, not mine.  i finished the turkey and got things gathered together.  i sent Syd a text outlining what i needed done and i laid down because, due to my broken sleep, i was still exhausted.  i did get up, get dressed for the meeting.  Syd and Joe came to get the stuff just before i left.

the meeting was okay.  it's hard for me to do, sometimes.  the truth will be brought to you, and you have to adjust to having it uncomfortably inside you, like a stone in your shoe on a hike you can't stop taking.  i have been informed that one of our membership is into pills now, a switch from alcohol.  i received this from his soon-to-be ex-wife, and i consider her a dear acquaintance so i trust that she's not just denigrating him for no reason.  thing is, it does no good for me to talk to him, even if i didn't give her my word that i'd say nothing.  it would do no good because, pills or not, i've spoken to this individual a number of times about concerns and observations i've had about his bearings, his spiritual wounds if you will.  and it's been for naught.  and it's been something that i'm completely alone in addressing.  people don't care about total abstinence any longer.  they care about being around people, having the visage of respectability and sobriety while clinging to the little helpers that keep the pain from having to be dealt with.  i don't know how many people he's fucking up with his ranblings.  but it gives a good parameter on why he seems so disjointed and so out of sync with the world he walks through these days.

digression.

i left the meeting, called my mom and asked her to turn the oven on to 'warm' and i made my way there.  i got things together as she was bringing some order to their kitchen.  my brother showed up on time, but my sister did not.  i called my dad down to say a prayer and then let them start eating.  i did, after all, say between 230 and 3pm.
i fixed my mother's plate and then a plate for myself.  my brother and my dad watched the game while i spoke with my mother.  my sister called while we were fixing plates, and my mother called her back to find she was waiting on her husband to return home so she could get to the house.  i ate and was sleepy as hell.  i told my mother i'd wait for my sister to arrive so she didn't think i just left before she came, but that i couldn't stay for long afterward.  i'm certain the warm/cold/warm weather changes are fucking with me.  i was waiting anyway, as she had spoken to me and told me that my brother two years under me was at the emergency room in PA, having been considering suicide once again.  i told her not to say anything to my parents, to just come by and eat.  i just called her as i said i would but got no answer.  as my brother is not willing to talk of the exact troubles that have him so willing to surrender his life (and as these attempts continue to be broadcast, leading me toward a sad conclusion that perhaps he is simply groping for attention),i have no way to help him.  i have no way to offer him help.  but i will pray for him, and i will ask Jehovah's spirit to be with him.

coming home, i did some tidying and i called Rachel back.  we spoke for a couple hours, she had a better day than her yesterday was, which made me happy.  i spoke to Lonnie a bit later.  i've not been to sleep yet and i'm still very tired, but i need to stay on track with doing the foundation things.  two termites can eventually destroy an entire city.  it was a good day.  maybe my brother and sister, my mom and dad, will elect to do this family dinner thing more often.  perhaps not.  but it was successful enough today, and that's enough of a win for my family.  bad days will come, so good days should be savored.  thank you, Father, for your kindness.

day of reflection and stuff.

Saturday night.  i'm running my bath now.  i've got a pan of dressing and a pan of mac n cheese in the oven, that will come out before i hop into the tub.  i have a turkey in a roaster, ready to go in as soon as i pull them out.  i've got a plan, but the results are not in my hands.  and that is the essence of life on planet earth, life in orbit or life on a journey.

i got up after a night of strange dreams and a false awakening at about midnight with a text from Rachel, who had a bad day.  when i finally got up for the day, i felt absent, as if there really was no good thing to be done.  i prayed, but i did no stretches, no crunches.  i didn't go for the walk i'd thought of taking on Friday.  i read my books, and i watched some television.  about 845 i went to the store, got some of the things i needed at Sav-A-Lot and some at Aldi's.  i came home, counting pennies, but with what i needed.  had to break my 50 dollar reserve, but i know things are going to get better.

my brother came over as i was cleaning the greens.  i'd put two italian sausages into the oven, and offered him some breakfast.  he declined a meal but accepted a sausage on bread.  we talked about our parents, and the old days of family and religion.  before he came by Patrice had texted me asking about purchasing her books.  i told her to pay in the money transfer we already had set up, and that i'd mail the books to her.  she took care of that this evening, and now i've got my reserve back.  God is good.

Rachel called in the morning and i got the story of the changes her son has been taking her through.  i eventually went to pick her up and brought her over to spend some time and get away.  she relaxed after a point, and i fed her lunch as she hadn't eaten.  she brought steaks for us for dinner and after i got done with the rest of my prep i prepared the steaks.  we talked a lot as well;  friendships and my past hero behaviors toward damaged women.  we talked about good things and real things, and that's about all you can ask from in a day with someone you love.  i made the steaks and rice for dinner, with some of the greens that are for tomorrow.  we watched a comedian and a movie and then i took her home.

i am tired.  naps don't really happen anymore.  i have a book that i have not finished editing.  i still have to go over the material sent by my prospective client.  i have work to do, and i only have me to do it.  but i believe in the process.  when you know what the job is, then the job becomes to do it, and do it to the best of your ability.  i will work more on Felecia's book tomorrow, but as i stated, i sent her a concern and i've not heard back yet, though her father did just pass and that means i have to accept the delay.  my aunt's cancer has returned, and my mom is really upset about that.  she had gone through a lot of treatments that left her very sick, but they had gotten it into remission.  apparently that's ended now, and i don't know what's next.  i will pray for her, and i will keep her in my heart.  i am grateful to God that this day has been one of reflection and stuff, and rest and peace.  and now i'm going to soak my flesh and shave my face and get ready for the life i may be blessed with tomorrow.

...the 'must do's'...

i had a good day today, though the most eventful part was cleaning my home.

not to say i didn't enjoy the rest, or that i particularly enjoyed cleaning.  but it was a peaceful, smooth-moving day, and there just aren't enough of those.  especially considering the madness that is to come after this January 20th, 2017.  it reminds me of the atmosphere when the World Trade towers were 'attacked'.  the simmering of fear, the panic that was just beneath the surface, waiting for the right thing to bring it boiling out and scalding everyone it touched.  i watched that with apprehension.  i watch this with curiosity and an eye toward what it will teach me, what i can use.

i got up and turned off my alarm.  been awhile since i laid in bed long enough to have to do that.  i said my prayer and i got into my stretches and crunches.  i got dressed, heated a cup of coffee and got some water.  i listened to the track that i'd been playing with for the past three days.  it's a funny thing; i love the arrangement at night, and i hate it in the morning.  i can't figure what that's about.  but i got to the gym, did the treadmill, felt good afterward, came home to see Syd out the door.  i made eggs and toast for breakfast, took meds and insulin and i got myself ready for counseling.

it was sort of a sad session.  i hate when VF worries about me.  at the same time, i know that we have become friends, and that is a good place for my heart to be.  the downside of it is, friends worry about you more than counselors do.  friends weep for your pain, and they fret for your anxiety.  they also celebrate your successes and they are happy with your good tidings.  its a balance.  and i guess, as i've stopped really cultivating friends, it makes me more aware of how much she has done on my behalf.  she tells me, as the mother she is, that i can't do anything about her caring about me, and that's true, and i'm sure i've posited that same argument against her protests to my concerns.  that is what a friend is, that is what friends do.  and that is the sadness, because friendship is a priceless commodity, always in short supply, but i have learned that some things, you just have to enjoy them while you have them.

anyway, enough melancholy.  i came home.  i started to cleaning, because i was not feeling any kind of energetic.  i got through with the apartment.  i went to Uptown Pizza for a little Joe and a cup of wedding soup for lunch.  i got my turkey in a dry rub and will be making my shopping list for tomorrow so i can get the things for Sunday's dinner.  i made dinner for Syd and myself, as she and Joe are feuding again, as it their wont.

i'm not going to try to stay up all night.  i don't know if i'll see Rachel this weekend or not.  but i know i am going to the Hall and to my meeting on Sunday, God willing and the creek don't rise.  and i will do the things i have to do to be of service to my God, my family and my friends.  because i've learned that everything is temporary on this planet, and they should therefore be treated with the love and care they deserve as precious things.  that's it.

...imperceptible, only without eyes...

today was a good day, and it involved nothing in particular.

i got up on time, i got stretches and crunches done and i got dressed for the gym.  i got to the gym on time, did the weight machines, said my hello's, talked to the lady at the front desk, came home and got into the editing.  i had breakfast and kind of shut it down from there, not feeling like i wanted a busy day today.  i talked to one Tim O'Bryan, from Campbell, who is inquiring about editing and media saturation services.  i am going to read the chapters he sent to me and see what i can do for him, give him an outline of what i think and what Z-Phyles offers, and let him decide from there.  but it was an official inquiry with an official response, and that's damn good, if i open my eyes to it.

i did nothing else for most of the day.  i talked to Lonnie and Rachel, briefly.  i tried to watch some television, but my mind just hasn't been there lately.  i did sporadic editing on both Felecia's book and my song Drug of Choice.  i napped.  i watched some animation on Hulu.  eventually, i went to pick up my dad and take him to his board meeting and i checked on my mother.  i picked up the turkey i had my aunt take from the deep freezer, as i'm planning a Sunday dinner at my parent's house Sunday, so perhaps we can do a family thing and perhaps they'll have some fresh leftovers to snack on for the week.

i have coffee ready for tomorrow, i'm going to the gym, to counseling and to the grocery store.  i'm going to keep it simple.  God is blessing me, but if i stay trapped in my worry and fear i'll miss the whole thing.  thank you, Jehovah, for showing me that i need not fear overtly.

a day and a half, it seems...

i'm not sure what exactly i'm feeling, but physically i'm some kind of off right now, and i am trying to calibrate.

i did not hit the gym today, as i stated earlier.  not so unusual in itself, but the fact that i didn't go monday has some gravity here.  i didn't stretch, didn't do crunches either, and woke with a sugar of 245.  been awhile since it's been up like that.  i saw Syd out the door, i worked on some music, i eventually took my insulin, including fast acting to bring my sugar down, and my meds.  and i got myself going, as i had an interview at 1015 in the a.m.
i worked on Felecia's book and worked on a song until it was time to get dressed.  i made my way to Struthers, then found according to the GPS that the company is in Campbell, so i went across the bridge  and got there right on time.  i thought the interview went well, but what does that really mean anymore?  i told the woman everything though, about losing the job at both West (their bullshit) and Menendians (my bullshit).  i told her about why i've been off for the past 10 years and i told her that i really would like her to give me a chance to do this job.  i went from there to set up for my meeting.
the meeting was cool, but i'm noticing that someone from my past who has been attending sporadically seems to have a bit of a problem with me, and is commenting in a way so as to not speak about me, but speak about me if i should choose to see it that way.  the unfortunate thing is, he was a moron and a selfish, self-centered chronic relapser back in the day and now he is clean but he is miserable and involved in some prolonged insanity.  so i choose to let him try to find his way to solid ground by making mine shaky.  i would welcome someone coming along to do the position i remain in, because then i could just be a member again, which is my fervent desire.
after the meeting i went to my parent's house.  i washed and dried a load of clothes.  i cooked fish and broccoli for them.  i plugged in my mother's laptop and i got her tablet logged in to Netflix.  i got into a disagreement with her about the fact that my parents are apparently running short on monthly cash, and have not been getting groceries on a regular basis.  my mother feels she should not ask for help from her children, because she sees us, not as people, but as 'her children'.  i am, of course, of a different mindset.  as is my dad, who borrowed money from me last month.  to that end, i have spoken to my brother.  we're going to have a dinner at my parent's house on sunday, and at the beginning of next month we're going to contribute some money and get some groceries for the house.  it's kind of funny.  all of us are on fixed incomes, with my dad being a retiree and both he and my mom getting regular deposits.  but the thing is, if you're family you help when you can and when it's needed.  and i am glad that i know that now, because for sure there were a lot of times when i didn't know that.  i have taken, and i will give as much as i can.
i plan on going to the gym in the morning.  i also plan on putting in some work on my company.  time to get it moving in the right direction.

sharing a day

i'm catching up on yesterday, starting early today.  i have things to do, an interview, but i let the day go yesterday and it was a pretty good one, so i'm going to put it down anyway.

i got up pretty close to on time.  i said prayer, read scripture and readings from daily books, i did crunches and stretches, i had a good sugar reading, and i got my ass moving to the gym.  i did the treadmill.  it had been a bit since i was in (i didn't go today, by the way, but i'll get to that later), and it was good to see people that i've come to know, even if its just faces and the times they walk through the door.  i came home and made an omelet for breakfast and saw Syd out the door.  my plan for the day was to go to my parent's house to cook for them, wash a load of clothes because my mom had asked me if i was going to, and figure out what dinner was going to be.  but Rachel had asked me the night before if i had anything planned that would keep me from helping her get to her GA meeting and her doctor's appointment.  she offered to buy me some groceries.  i told her i would, and after i took my shower and got dressed i let her know i was on my way.  her meeting was at 830 and we got there early.  i left the parking lot only briefly, to go to a bathroom at a gas station and get a small coffee.  i read a book, i listened to music and i got her at 10 when her meeting was done.
we went to Big Lots to kill some time and got her some containers for some dry goods she had an abundance of.  then she went to her doctor appointment.  i read, i napped and then we went to Aldi's.  i got some stuff and so did she.  we went to get some lunch at Arby's and i took her to the Family Dollar up the street from her and her daughter was there so she rode out with her and i came home.

i was tired, and i tried to nap, but it eludes me these days, to my dismay.  so i got up, worked on more editing of Felecia's book, and decided to start putting some time in on this song i've been playing with.  the tracks were lining up with some cut and paste, and i'm happy with the results so far.  Syd was out, saying she had to study for a midterm, and then that she had makeup work to do.  it didn't matter to me, i was tired and i wasn't cooking, so i didn't care if she was out or not.  i finished working on the song to the extent that i was going to and i went to bed.  fitfully going to sleep, but i got there.  i did hear Syd come in but let her think i was sleeping.  i woke early in the morning, something after one, and i played on Facebook for a few, and then went back to sleep.

it is nice to spend time with Rachel.  sometimes, with all her 'isms, i wonder if she is at times just making sure i am accessible to her, as a resource.  but i feel this is not fair to her.  it is residual.  she gives quite a bit, and she makes a point of us speaking daily.  i know what it is like to be down and out without any recourse but to suffer, and i'll be damned if i'll willingly let someone go through that.  its why i wrote Heather a letter yesterday and apologized for not being there the past two weeks.  i owe her nothing; i owe God everything.  its why i am trying to stay in touch more with my parents.  i owe them a lot, but i owe God even more, because he made them and me.  so i share a day with a woman i love, who loves me, and i know things are going to work out.  and that is by God's grace, of which there is no other grace, for it all belongs to God.  so, i'm starting my new day now, by God's grace, and i'll be sure to write later.

a day of resting

well, this has been a good and strange weekend.  but it seems that certain enjoyment is a daunting prospect for me these days.  getting older is a bitch.

yesterday i got up and did my morning things, but it was in the process of waiting for Rachel to return from doing clothes.  i took my sugar reading, had meds and insulin and did my readings.  Rachel came in and we talked and i saw her to bed as she'd been up doing clothes all night.  once she had drifted i called my mother, who was not feeling up to leaving, so i got myself together for the Kingdom Hall.  i went a half hour early, nodded during the public talk and the Watchtower lesson.  but i did catch most of it and it was good to stay on track.  i went from there to my CA meeting, and that wasn't a bad thing.  i came home and Rachel and i hung out and had dinner and watched some television and talked and it was just nice spending time with her.  then she left when her mom and son came to pick her up and i did some dishes and went to bed.

today i got up and i felt shaky.  i felt achy and i felt lethargic.  i did not go to the gym.  i did pray and i did read my stuff and i did eat breakfast.  i dressed for the gym, but i didn't go.  i was drained.  i was drained from the weekend, and to be honest the financial concerns are still weighing on me, though not frantically as they were at the beginning of the month. i managed to have breakfast, lunch and dinner however.  i managed to do some editing on Felecia's book.  i managed to update my cover letter and add some bulk to my resume.  i managed to talk to Lonnie, Rachel, my brother and my mom.  i have written a letter to Heather, whom i've not visited in two Mondays and will mail it tomorrow.  i did stuff that needed to be done, including stretches and crunches.  but i have to get my regular show back on the road.  discipline is hard to attain, easy to lose and synergetically harder to restore than when you attained it the first time.  but to have done good things, to not have the burden of panic, to have fed myself and my child and to have put in some of the work needed, i am grateful to Jehovah and will not shirk giving that thanks.  tomorrow will be a busier day.  and i will be ready for it.

medicinal

i'm not sure why i didn't journal yesterday.  and i can't really remember all that much about the day, to be honest.  but i'll try to include some parts of it, and move forward from there.

to start, i didn't go to the gym or counseling.  VF was (and probably still is) sick, and as for the gym, i was pondering the situation with not having the internet and what that would do to my moving forward.  i wasn't feeling sorry for myself, however.  i was just thinking that i have to do what i can with what i have, or there's no point to having it.  i was paid a partial on Felecia's book.  i had enough to cover my past due on my cable, so i paid it.  that got my services back on, but i am now pretty much broke for the rest of the month.  but life goes on, doesn't it?  and as far as the gym, i have to talk to Mary Lou about the cancellation of my membership, or getting back on a lower scholarship price, because i won't be able to do the $20 a month until i find a job.

i kind of just hung at home.  Syd didn't have school, so she wasn't here.  i edited and worked on some music and i talked to Lonnie and to Rachel at a point and i checked on my mom and dad.  that was the day.  when i'd gotten up, i did my usual prayer and my readings and i did my crunches and stretches.

i woke up the same way today.  and i didn't clean, i read and i worked on editing and i took a bath and i had plans for Rachel to visit.  i took my mom to a hair appointment.  i went to the store and got soup to go with a burger for lunch.  i cooked a meat loaf and made mashed potatoes for dinner.  Rachel came by late, as she'd slept most of the day, but we've hung out since.  though i'm down to the last i did give her some money to get her clothes washed.  i am about to go to bed, because i'm tired and because my plan is to go to the Kingdom Hall and to my CA meeting tomorrow.  i don't have anything else planned except to hang with Rachel and enjoy my day.  i know there is more, but i don't really have the focus on that at this moment, just want to make sure i'm not neglecting this process for long and that i remain grateful to God for watching over my family and myself.  and that's it.

Undaunted

 well, it's getting interesting. My internet is off. So that put some brakes on a lot of things. But I have to keep moving forward, no time to panic. This is being written my voice on my phone, so if it's that would be the reason.

I got up this morning as you know because I started writing from yesterday, blood sugar was 97, I felt good. I did my crunches and my stretches. I made it to the gym and get the treadmill. I came home, took meds and insulin, and had breakfast. I went to my parents house to wash a load of clothes and got a meal prepared for them for dinner. My dad seemed to be in good spirits as he was calling the news to complain about the lack of drainage in his yard. Talk to my mom and my aunt, mom had a doctor's appointment today and my aunt was taking her. I cooked chicken and mashed potatoes and green beans for them finish my clothes and made my way home. I watch some TV as I had my lunch, and eventually I came in to lay down.

I must have nodded for a few comma because when I woke up I have no internet. I have tried to call my cable company but I can't get anyone on the phone. There's a part of me, the usual part, that wants to freak out. But I'm not going to, because I can get done what I can get done. I can't do any more than that with or without internet. I did manage to put in some applications. And I will call them and see what Arrangements I can make as soon as they answer their phone. There's not much else I can do. I have to admit however, but it is nice to not feel the panicking that I usually do when I'm compromised this way. I guess counseling will be pretty interesting tomorrow. Thank you God for keeping me sane today.

...sometimes...

You can run a gamut of emotions through the course of a day.  you can start out miserable and end up positively giddy, or you can start with a songbird's song in your throat and end with a wail of grief.  the sunrise promises nothing, for the sunrise itself is not promised.

i didn't write yesterday because i was getting back into the swing of doing the day.  i was down for two days sick and convalescing, and i only went to my meeting and the store yesterday.  but i will recap.

i got up and i did the morning as it should be.  i prayed, did my crunches and some stretches, read my scripture and my daily meditation books.  i had a good blood sugar, took my insulin, had breakfast, took my meds earlier than i had the previous day and i ran a bath.  i'd intended to take one Tuesday night, but i was not energetic enough to make it happen.  but on Wednesday i had a good soak, shaved my head and face, got myself together and got my shit together to hit the meeting.

i got there about an hour early and Don came in right behind me.  as i'd spoken the previous week about the 'Maytag repair-man' feeling of sitting in a meeting by oneself, i suppose he responded, as he's cut from at least swatches from the cloth i was made from.  no ego; i am swatches of a cloth that made the ones before me.  but now they're all rayon and synthetics, it seems.  anyway, the meeting was okay, there weren't a lot of people there, we did Step 9 and then i went to the store.  i called my mother to speak to her, checking on her, and i asked Syd what she wanted for dinner.  she said lasagna, and i almost vetoed it, with the thought on my mind that i didn't want to spend that much.  but Syd bought me dinner the night before, and i knew i really could afford the ingredients since i had many of them on hand already.  so i got what i needed.

let me add, another reason i didn't write was i had a visitor in the morning.  TF, from so long ago, texted and asked if she could come by for a bit before i went to the meeting.  the irony of that is, i started being a service-person in that meeting in support of her, who was given a position and then abandoned there.  now, it is an outpost meeting, where most won't go because it's not quite sick enough to drive me out.  if i left, it would sicken again and the people would come back.  no ego again; it's the sad truth.  and i'm not well, so that should tell you the level of sickness i'm talking about.

anyway, she came by, had coffee, half-updated me on things that i knew nothing about, had brunch with me and then went her way.  she thanked me for the time and the food later on Facebook, which was nice.

another thing that happened, and why i didn't write, was i had to process a text i sent and a conversation i had.

i had sent Chris my usual good morning text, and i told her i had been thinking about her, which i had.  i told her to call, as i was in the tub and wasn't going to continue to text.  i had been thinking about the nature of our involvement with each other.  more to the point, with Syd about to turn 18, everything changes, and for the most part this would be the time i could completely disassociate myself from Chris.  but i have been trying to look at things with more spiritual eyes.  the child support, for a long time, went into keeping this household going.  it was a way of paying some bills, of getting food when we needed, of freeing up other funds so that other things could be taken care of.  the evidence of that is how much has been off-center since i gave Syd the card for her use last year.  but i've no regrets about that.  she is the child being supported.  but it can't have been the easiest thing for Chris either.  i know where Chris comes from.  more than most, i know what goes on inside her.  for her, this is about the best she has been able to do, and perhaps it's allowed her to evolve a bit, to become something more than the panic-stricken, angry child who was abuse and hurt by everyone she ever trusted.  under any circumstance, i said thank you, and i told her i appreciated her having Syd for me. and we talked and that was that.  i felt good about it, and i still do.

so i came home.  i made myself an actual lunch and got started on the lasagna.  i talked to Joe about my storyboard ideas and how some of it could be facilitated.  i got half the rest of my money from Felecia and decided i'd resume editing on her book.  i got trash taken to the curb.  i watched some television, but not much.  and i went to bed after a bit.  i thought about where i am, how i feel so much more centered than i thought i would, as nothing has actually resolved itself,and i realize that the faith that i need is not for me to measure.  i don't know if i have enough, i'll never know that.  but what i do know is worrying and fretting and panicking isn't going to make one damn thing better.  so i am trying to stay on point, do what God puts in front of me to do, and keep it moving.

as to the sometimes, i put in an application at AT&T again, and though i got past the first hurdle, they turned me down.  as well, i heard at the JCC today that Paul, who said they'd be calling back after the new year began, had already hired someone, who just hadn't shown up.  and i realize that sometimes God protects me from things that i don't know i'm being protected from, and sometimes, learning to wait is actually learning how much value you truly have as a human and spiritual concern.  I have begun my new day and will journal on this journey later.  thank you, Father.

prayers

you ask for prayers...

you open your heart
and the ice rain falls
and it chills your blood
and it seizes your bones
and the thoughts
polarize
and glaze over with cold
and you realize
once again
you're all alone.

you ask for prayers.

how deep down the well
does the stale water go?
when the aquifer's empty
what will the crops drink?
it's empty of rain
but its full of old tears
and with no fresh incoming
it's starting to stink...

you ask for prayers...

miscalculation,
early in the moon phase
all the coffers ran dry,
only debt, IOU's,
no deal above table,
no plans can be laid
for there's not much to say
even less we can do...

so you ask
for prayers...

and sometimes,
they pray,
and sometimes
they won't,
the words get in
the way,
and sometimes
God seems to hear,
other times,
not,
but you ask for prayers
when prayer's all
that you've got.

James 5:16 - Therefore openly confess YOUR sins to one another and pray for one another, that YOU may get healed. A righteous man’s supplication, when it is at work, has much force.


the poem is because i need prayers.  i just realized, i guess in my seeking to subdue the maniac who's been running my mind lately i overlooked, my loan payment will come out this friday.  that will leave a total of about 150 dollars for the last half of the month.  it's almost enough to make me scream.  but again, the words of earlier are not out of commission, they are not voided by the later hour of the day.  Toti knows the right thing to do, and i do too.  i'm going to just hold on.  got food, got shelter and utilities paid for.  can't do anything else except ask for prayers and wait for them to be answered, in God's own time.  i do believe.  

the taming of the flu

well, yesterday was a miserable excursion, and so i didn't journal, as i spent the day fighting off an imminent flu infestation.  i am not so foolish as to believe i have moved beyond it's germy demesnes, but i do feel some better today and figure now is as good a time as any to catch up, as it's been purely uneventful up to now.

first off, thanking my Father, Jehovah.  i feel internally grounded again, though impoverished financially and still in need of capital to make some things happen.  but i made the payments i could make, i talked to the cable company, i'm back to putting in applications and i've talked about it through the whole thing, never losing sight of the fact that i've reacted in the past, done myself harm and none of those things have been happening.  so that's a plus.  and the truth is, while i've been apprehensive, while i've been edgy, while i've been on the verge of the cliff, i've never been close enough to jump.  and that's due to my heavenly father's love and the guidance that i've received, it's by the grace of God and the application of principles i've learned over the years.  the trip is not done (a Journey, right?) but i'm still cruising.  that's a good thing.

so, i woke up yesterday, feeling achy, as if i'd been beaten in my sleep.  i thought perhaps it was from weekend exertions, and i got myself slowly together to go to the gym.  but when i went out to clean off and heat up my car, the wind seemed to reach into my body, down to my corpuscles, and open me like a can of beans, and i knew then i was not going to do the day.  i turned and went back to bed.  i slept on and off and got up to take insulin and medicine, though no water pill as i didn't want to be up and down all day.  i got a call from TCTC that Syd was in the nurses station (surprise he says sarcastically) and was sick and needed to come home.  Joe was unable to get her as he just started working, so i cleaned off my car and warmed it up and went to get her.  on the way home i stopped at Aldis and got some things to make some soup.  then i came home, made soup, had lunch and passed back out again.  i medicated, drank lots of water, ate soup, watched television and blew my nose.  i took some evening Tylenol flu and slept in strange dreamlands and fitful wakings until 415 or so this morning.  that was my day.

today, i got up, feeling some better but i didn't push it.  i stayed home, said my prayers, read my meditations and scripture, had breakfast, made breakfast for Syd (home sick, legit), and got to work.  i finished storyboarding my spot for Mechanical Jesus, i put in applications, i started working on a song.  i didn't do much but the notmuch of today is much more than the nothing i did yesterday.  my only regret is not being able to go see Heather yesterday, but i wasn't frivolously going out sick.  i've been checking on my parents, i've been in touch with Lonnie, i've texted some with Rachel and i am going to get back to life tomorrow, as i have to do my noon meeting at the very least, so i may as well hit the gym if my membership still works.  i'm really grateful to everyone, to all my friends and all those who look after me.  and i am truly grateful to God, because i can trust the Tim on the inside, knowing that he's had God's ear the whole time.

...the lunatic is in my head...

i have to hope it's possible to write some of this crazy away.  this feeling has been on me for a week now, and it's not abating.  it is if anything slowly intensifying, and i feel as if i am filling with a poison gas that is going to explode and take me and everyone with it.  that is how it feels.  i don't feel like acting any particular way, but it is very depressing, very heavy, very burdensome, and my mind wants to default to a quick, fail-safe solution to these financial dilemmas that may be more prominent in my head than anywhere else.  but it is real in my head.  it is true in my feelings, and that means i have to do something about it, at least internally.

i did nothing except wake up and take my medicine today.  i didn't stretch, didn't exercise, didn't read.  i didn't go to the Hall.  i went to my CA meeting, took spaghetti for the potluck.  but i didn't do the constructive things that make a day a day for me.  i went to my parent's house after the meeting and made them some fried potatoes and kielbasas.  i talked to my mom, gave my dad his CD's he asked me to burn for him.  i talked to Lonnie and i talked to Rachel.  i got dinner cooked at home.  i talked to Syd about the financial situation and about the state of mind i'm in right now.  i didn't want to, but i do full disclosure, because only by making someone fully aware do you allow them to be fully accountable for their responses and reactions to you.

i am trying to be still, and trying to move at the same time.  i have to check my bank accounts, see what money i have.  i have payments i still have to make.  i've yet to get groceries.  i've yet to actually fill up my tank.  i have to get tires for my car.  i need a fucking job.  i am not working on my promotions.  i'm not writing.  i have no inspiration for any of that.  that is the goal of this year, and yet i'm stuck.  i feel like maybe i'm just trying to undermine myself.  i don't have anything to say about God in this.  my Father has provided me with everything i need to succeed.  so why am i pulling the rug out from under my own feet?  is such a thing even possible?

finding one of my classmates has gotten a job as a recovery coach, the position that i was trained and certified so that i could get into, at the place i was supposed to get in, is like a punch in the gut.  the Retail Data position being passed over me sucks.  i have to put in more applications.  i have to get my shit together.  i am afraid.  i don't know of what.  i could end up on the street, but not likely.  i could jettison everything except rent and electric and gas, and stay here.  but that time is just about done anyway.  i don't know what i'm going to do.  i don't know why i don't know.

but there is a part of me that is looking for the big, huge crazy, and it's not there.  i got up, and i cooked for my meeting, and i got my dad his music and looked in on my mom.  i have cooked and fed my child.  i haven't been foolishly spending this month.  i know that the money is short, but money isn't everything at all.  and i have to keep plunging ahead, despite my wanting to curl up and just blow away.  not going to happen today anyway.

i'm going to get up in a bit, pay some on my cards and see what i can do about the cable thing.  i'm going to put in applications and look at the apartments for rent.  and i'm going to thank Jehovah God for not letting go of me.

brittle

this feeling is persisting, but i'm trudging along.  i can only do this, i can't do anything else.  but it is getting harder, i have to admit.

i got up at my usual time and i did my day in a responsible fashion.  i turned it over with my morning prayer and i did my stretches and crunches, which i don't normally do on a weekend.  i got breakfast, read scriptures (Saul on the Damascan road), took meds and insulin and then Rachel called.  we had planned on Friday for her to call when she was ready to come by, and she was ready early.  so i went to the store to get the stuff i needed for our dinner and i went to pick her up.  we went to Goodwill and then i took her to get herself something to eat, as she hadn't had breakfast.  it was a good visit.  we talked, we watched some television, she napped and we ate chili and cornbread for dinner.  it was supposed to be salmon, as she requested yesterday, but as i made chili (which was to be my weekend nosh) it was available and i didn't mind sharing.

hence, the title.

Rachel is a diabetic, as am i.  she took insulin to cover what she thought would be a heavy carb meal, though chili is not a heavy carb meal.  she woke from a second nap with a very low sugar.  it was scary watching her try to get enough sugar into her body to counteract the insulin.  thing is, people don't realize diabetes can kill you.  too low or too high.  you can go into a diabetic coma, you can go into diabetic shock.  you can ruin your kidneys, your heart suffers.  there are so many system failures that arise from your blood sugar being out of whack.  it was an important thing for me to see and to be a participant in, as i need to know more to do better in the future.  but it was frightening.  i am blessed not to be a brittle diabetic.  you find blessings when you open your eyes and close your judgmental heart.

the worry is on me.  Syd texted me today to tell me the child support card hasn't loaded.  i don't know why.  it may load monday.  it may not load.  CSEA sent a  letter last week requesting the data on when Syd turns 18, her 'emancipation' date.  it had a ten-day reply time limit, but it took them seven days to get it mailed out.  i've returned it, but i don't know if they are going to respond.  seems they wanted to just shut the book with a minimum of work.  but either way, it was coming to an end soon enough.  this is a bad month.  it is getting worse.  i need a job.  NEED.  it's going to be okay, though.  i know Jehovah has a plan in place for me.  i just have to keep walking toward it.  i'm sorry for my doubt, but not sorry for my fear, as i know most of it pertains to not being able to take care of Syd and not wanting to run into the corner of my brain and close the door.  Trust God and help others.  i'm done.

the heaviest of days

this has been a very tiresome day.  i think i opened too many doors in counseling that stayed open through most of the day, and i haven't really gotten them closed yet.  but i have to do so, because i have to function beyond this day and this moment, though it is the only moment that i have right now.

when i got up today i was on point.  i prayed and stretched and did crunches.  i drank water and coffee and i read my scripture and meditations and i got my ass to the gym on time.  it was bitterly cold, but i went anyway, because it's what time it was.  i did half treadmill/half weights and felt good leaving out.  i came home, took meds, insulin, had breakfast and chilled until it was time for counseling.

we talked about just about everything today.  but we started with faith, and that opens a lot of doors that are connected to it.  it was a good session, don't get me wrong.  but when i left i was weary, mentally so more than physically.  i returned home without going to the store and i called Lonnie and set up a lunch thing with him and i had some soup and i tried to watch some tv and i storyboarded a bit.  i had went to the store and found some rope lights for a spot i'm going to film soon, and i got some seasonings i was needing.  but that's part of the problem.  with money lacking, anything i spend has to be accounted for.  it's impossible to enter a day without the reality of spending money being a part of it.  it is a miserable feeling to sit on pins and needles, knowing that you're going to run short and just wondering when it's going to happen.  but i have to act out of faith, i have to let my belief be that the better thing is coming, and i have to ask for strength where i lack it to keep moving forward.

i took Lonnie to lunch because he did my bookmarks for me.  i went to pick up Rachel and took her to a couple stores she had to go to.  i put gas in the car.  i had leftovers for dinner.  i am in the process of cleaning now.  i will go to the store tomorrow, as i'm having Rachel over and refuse to be a bad host.  i have a bit of money put aside, but this is the 6th day of the month.

and i don't believe it means that i am weak, i don't believe it means that i am fucking up.  i am doing the best i can with what i have.  i am not living like a beggar, but i am far from living a lavish life.  i am just trying to live like a human who is moving toward something better.  i guess it would suck for anyone, worrying incessantly.  but i just read in Matthew today about not worrying about what you will eat or where you'll sleep or what you'll wear, because God knows what you need before you ask.  i just read that this morning, so i know a part of this is to see how i am going to respond.  not a test from God, but a test from Life, and the benefits will belong to me.  or the consequences, if i can't keep my head up.

we'll just let today be what it has been, a good day with a lot of thinking.  and tomorrow will reveal itself in its own time.  thank you, Jehovah, for reminding me that You are running the show.

slow week

this has been a very long day.  no two ways about it.  i didn't do many of the things i wanted to, but i got some things done, and i got some rest, and it's cold as a motherfucker out there, so, there you go.
i did pray, but i did not go to the gym.  i got my insulin in early, and my pills later in the day.  i got to my parent's house to visit, but i did not get to the library.  i asked Lonnie about the bookmarks but didn't get down to the campus to pick them up.  i went to the store to see if i could find the fiber lights i want for my next filming, but i didn't get my storyboard done.  yet.

i will be glad to get into the gym tomorrow.  it's going to be just as cold a day, but it's also just before the weekend, and some of the things i got done were important.  talking to my dad about my grandparent's house, that was necessary.  making sure he wasn't feeling bad today. asking him about the possible need for an assistant in his life.  i hung with my mom for a while.  i got out of the house briefly.  got a bath.  got my bed made.  making the bed is important.

i've talked to Rachel this evening for quite some time.  it's nice to have her on the phone.  hope to see her this weekend.  i am grateful, even on the slow days.  blessed.  because somethings are better after a respite.

faith at war with fear

I love the story of Jacob in the bible.  I love it because there is nothing really glorious at all about his early life.  i love it because it shows that when God makes a decision, that's just the way it is, and it doesn't have to make sense to any human beings at all.

Jacob was second born but first in the spiritual line for the blessing.  he was a twin who came clutching at his brother Esau's heel, as he knew he was meant for the bigger picture.  Jacob had to trick his way into his blessing in so many ways.  got his brother to trade his birthright for a drink, got his old, nearly blind father to give him the blessing of nations with a bowl of mutton stew and some lamb hair to fool the man Isaac into thinking he was the hairier brother, Esau.  in the end, he was forced to run from his brother's wrath, he was tricked into taking two wives, which also played into the prophesy of Jehovah's promised people coming from Abraham's bosom.  then, THEN, when all was said and done and he had even reconciled with his estranged, vengeful brother, he was forced to wrestle with an angel, AN ANGEL, for the rest of his blessing.  nothing easy about Jacob at all.

i am afraid to pay my bills.  but i'm about to do it anyway.

the most extravagant thing i've done this far into the month was buy myself a pair of house shoes, slippers to some.  they are Dearform slippers, very plush inside.  got them at Big Lots, they were marked down from their normal price to 12 dollars for Big Lots and they were discounted 25 percent from there.  i needed them, they are my size, they fit like a dream.  so i got them when i was getting supplies.  and i am going to be broke before the tenth.  i am going to pay my utilities.  i'm going to pay my trash bill for the last time here.  i'm going to see what i can put on my cards.  but i am going to be broke, and i am afraid that so much is going to be left undone, and i almost can't stand that thought.

because that thought is pure self-will.

i know that Paul, from the JCC, left me a message that they are going to be  finishing their call backs after the new year and not before, as he told me when i'd come in.  I know from going to my meeting today that Carolyn from Gateways/Neil Kennedy is still working on getting me in as a recovery coach.  i know Jehovah is showing me that i need to stop worrying and take care of what is in front of me and have faith.  it is hard, though.  it is very hard.

i got up and said my prayers.  i took Syd to her bus, first time in forever.  problems with her and Joe, i imagine.  i came home, took meds and insulin, ate breakfast (sugar was 104) and started working on editing.  i finished the first re-edit of Waiting For Jesus and started a whole comprehensive paragraph by paragraph review and first edit of the book i was working on that i was only half paid for.  then i got ready for my meeting.

i went to pay the meeting rent, then opened up and found myself wondering why i continue to do this stuff.  there was a bag on the counter in the coffee area that looked like a colostomy bag full of piss.  at least that is what it looked like to me.  and i thought to myself, 'i come here, i clean up after the meeting on Tuesday night because they don't seem to know how to clean after themselves, i set up for people who won't volunteer to do anything more than they're doing, i am now waiting until almost 12 noon and there's no one here, and why do i do this?  i could be working on a first new year campaign, i could be finishing editing.  i could be working on promotion for Mechanical Jesus.  lots of stuff i could be doing'.  but instead, i called Gary who was on his way, and then some artsy looking blonde walked in right before he did.  she looked pretty dazed and confused, but her pointed toed pumps looked as if the flowers were hand painted, and she had a jaunty scarf wrapped around her neck.  and she looked for coffee and, finding none, began to prepare to make a pot.  another new woman walked in, and by new i mean i'd not seen either of them before, and then three regulars, and then we had a meeting.  i took the artsy blond to Campbell, because her ride hadn't shown and she said she left her phone in their car, whomever 'they' were.

i went to the store and got a roast and a red onion and a can of soup.  i went to another store and got Syd iced tea.  i came home, had my lunch of soup and a turkey cutlet sandwich, and i got an antique meat grinder from my brother.  Syd came in and went to lay down and i began to work on dinner.  that is where i am now.

i don't know what the fear is, exactly.  i am not really cultivating an image of a mogul, because that's fake.  i do believe in 'act as if', but i also believe in not counting money that is not in your hand to count.  i intend to sell books.  i intend to develop authors.  i also intend to make money.  but right now, my funds are limited and they go out quickly.  so tonight, i'm going to pay or pay on bills.  i'm going to trust that Jehovah will be right on time, as He always is, and i'm going to not let fear win this war.

people have said, erroneously, that fear and faith can't live in the same house.  but they always have, and they always will.  the important thing to remember is...don't give fear the keys to the crib.  i'm wrestling for my blessing.

weariness and weight

i fell asleep rather early yesterday, exhausted and drained from worrying and running, so i want to start this one early to get details logged down before they exit my mind.  i'll get back to the day when it is near completion.

i am glad to be able to say that, aside from the Canada delivery, i have got my orders for books filled.  i think that's a great thing to be able to say starting out Tim-Thousand-Seventeen.  i also am glad to be able to say that i am still in the process of learning, and growing and changing both in life and in my way of doing things.  it's imperative that i can do this, if my business is going to grow and prosper.

as i had said, or think i said, i let Rachel use my car to go talk to her friend, and she didn't make it back that night.  i figured, as this was an old friend of hers that she may have nodded over there, but i have a proclivity toward worry and i tried to fight against it.  i went to sleep, woke several times and finally got up about 3.  i did my morning things, prayer and stretches and crunches and readings and decided i'd walk to the gym.  it was a morning in the 40's and hadn't started the incessant raining yet.  i got there about 5:20 and waited for the doors to open.  i was first in the gym and did weight work for a half hour, as i started i texted Rachel to inform her that i would need a pickup at 6 and she text me back that she had fallen asleep (as toti knew) and she would be outside when i was done.  and she was, of course.

i had been, the night before, under the impression that she had to be home early, as she'd asked if i could take her home before i went to the gym, but she said she had only her meeting at 8:30, and i told her i would take her and do my stuff while she was at her meeting until ten.  we had breakfast together and chilled for a bit until it was time to take her to her meeting.  i dropped her off and went to get supplies from Big Lots and to the bank to take out the rent.  i went to pick Rachel up, found that i had a tire that was nearly flat and went to get air for it.  we went to the post office on the north side but that one was crowded and rarely has more than one person working the window, so we went downtown, which was crowded but moved much faster.  i sent off books for the orders i had, then went to pay my rent and then we came back here.  we laid down for a nap, as we were both tired, but i couldn't really get to sleep so i covered her with a blanket after a point and came out and started working on lunch.  made us some lunch and when she woke up i fixed her a sandwich and gave her a root beer and made the same for myself.  then Syd had come in and it was just about time to take Rachel home.

on the ride, i told her of my realization about her feeling with The Girl Behind the Glass, and my discovery about my own attitude.  i don't think it resolved anything but it did make me feel better, to no longer be disregarding her feelings.  i took her home, came back, talked with Syd for a bit, had a chicken panini for dinner eventually and went to bed.

I'd talked to Lonnie yesterday as well, had to catch up with a couple of calls as i had neglected some folks to hang with Rachel.  he had a horrible day in regard to his dad, and i am still convinced that his dad is simply being manipulative to take his resentment out on Lonnie.  not faking his ailments and things, but allowing his attitude about the death of his wife and his son's supposed mishandling of the situation (which is bullshit, but it doesn't matter when it lodges itself as fact in a human heart).  but Lonnie finally had to blow his top and let his dad know that he was not going to be manipulated into letting his own life fall apart because his father wanted to act like a spoiled child.  and i am only sorry that Lonnie has to go through this, because i know the last thing in the world Lonnie wants to do is show a perceived disrespect toward his surviving parent.  but if he doesn't, then he has to continue to lose his own life, and that's not going to do anyone any good.

my only plan today is to do my meeting and pick up something for dinner.  pay on some bills when i get home.  finish editing Waiting for Jesus and re-edit Felecia's book after i speak to her about the rest of my money (and my bonus for being patient with her ass.)  i am grateful for the day and will journal about today's journey at journey's end.  Thank you, Father.

I can think again (near sabotage)

i woke up ready to attack this year, ready to begin an all-out assault on this year i have claimed for my own...only to find that the year was still asleep, evidently from too much NYE partying, and i'd have to wait til tomorrow.  oh, well, i feel like myself again anyway.

really, i got up early, three maybe, three fifteen at the latest, and i could not return to sleep.  so i laid about for a minute, then i got it started.  i said my prayers, i stretched and did crunches, i read my meditations and my scriptures, i checked my sugar (124) and i had coffee and water.  i even worked on my Watchtower some, or was that yesterday?  anyway, i went to the gym, slightly late as i was caught up in an episode of the Twilight Zone.

i did the treadmill, i greeted now familiar faces, i talked to Rose about her work on the art, and i came home.  i took meds.  i had breakfast.  i cleaned my dishes and had more coffee and water. and i laid down for a bit, as i was planning on assaulting the day.  before i went to the gym, i got three shipping labels together for pre-purchases and got books packaged to take to the post office.  i put them in my car before i went to the gym so i wouldn't forget them.  and the post office was closed.  as was the library, which i'd also planned to hit.  so i had a huge hole in my day.

i went to my parent's house.  i washed a load of clothes and did some minor edits on Waiting for Jesus.  i came home, threw clothes in the dryer and i lazed for a bit.  i talked to Rachel, and she asked if i could pick her up after my visit to the jail.

i got there in time to see Heather, it was a cool visit.  then i went to pick up Rachel.  we went to lunch at the Fortune Garden, and we came home.  she asked if she could borrow the car to go see her friend and i said she could.  it was later in the day, right about now, in fact, when that was to happen.  we worked on some vocals, working on being able to harmonize with each other.  then we listened to some music, and she asked me if i could do some lyrics for her, gave me the outline of what she was looking for.  and that was when i near sabotaged.

we had another discussion about The Girl Behind the Glass.  it is not a resolved issue, and i tried to just work acceptance on it, but its not a resolved issue because, regardless of the reason or how i feel about the reason, it hurt her.  the story, the way it read to her.  i have no right to challenge how she feels, and that is basic recovery 101.  i've only really been looking at it from the viewpoint of, 'it's my story, and it's just a story'.  i've not looked at it from the standpoint of how it makes her feel and how i need to respond to her feelings rather than react to her mood about it.  i don't know if it will ever be resolved, but i know i regret doing anything that hurt her.

i had some dinner, saving most of my leftover hunan beef as an omelet insert for the morning.  i shaved my head, obviously.  i feel more like myself now.  i'm sleepy.  i am grateful for the learning, grateful for the ability to change, and i give thanks to my Heavenly Father.  that's all i got tonight.

New Day, part 2

good evening.  this is the first day of 2017, the first day of the new year.  but it's just another day.  sober, grateful, blessed and weary now.  i am glad that there is a path that i can walk, and i am honored by my God to be able to walk it at all.

I didn't try to stay up to see the new year come in.  i think i lost the thrill of that a lot of years ago.  it used to seem like a big deal, and then i got sober and it seemed that to be in the company of addicts and alcoholics, just dancing and fellowshipping and surviving into another year was a beautiful thing.  and then those activities stopped, and there was the time of hanging at a club or bar when in Columbus and just not drinking, being surrounded by drunks, but it was just a bullshitting of self, pretending that i was 'normal', when i am anything but.  now, i realize the day ends and the day begins, and at midnight tonight, a year ends for someone, and a year begins for someone.  a child is being born at this moment, and it is his or her happy new year.  a woman or man are breathing their last breath right now, and it is the end of their last year.  everyone knows someone who is giving birth, and everyone knows someone in the process of dying.  and in all these cases, the important thing is to make the most of the day, make the most of the moment, do the best job you can and love the best with all the heart you have.  there is no promissory note that pays off with a guaranteed day on the calendar.  so you have to do it today.  you don't really have to.  but i do. i intend to end this life without the regret of one more wasted day.

i got up today right around 4.  i said my prayers, did my stretches and crunches, i read my scripture and meditation books.  i took a good reading.  took my meds and insulin and i had breakfast.  i did my Watchtower lesson and i watched some Twilight Zone.  i wrote the poem for Marc and signed his book and put them both into my bag for delivery.  i got my dad's navy beans packed up and ready to transport when i picked up my mother for the Hall and discovered my crock pot has a fracture running all through the ceramic bowl, broke my heart but i will live.  i went to the store and got the take and heat pizzas for the meeting and some stuff for home.  i went to the Hall with my mother.  i went to my CA meeting.  i talked to Lonnie and DeJa briefly.  i had Taco Bell for lunch and i had dinner later.  i talked to Rachel.  i washed my dishes.  i'd finished my cleaning early in the morning.  i feel good.  i know i've done more carbs than i should have, and i have to get disciplined on them again, but i am not going to lose my mind on this shit anymore.  i don't know if i'm losing weight but i know i'm doing better with my diabetes.  i am in faith for one of these jobs calling me.  i am in faith for things working out financially.  reminds me of a plaque that was on the wall of the coffee room at the Columbus AA intergroup office; "Wishing and hoping won't improve my fate; the Lord provides the fishes but I gotta dig the bait."  I personally subscribe to that truth.

i'm going to the gym tomorrow.  i'm going to wash a load of clothes, i'm going to visit Heather, i'm going to work on Waiting for Jesus.  i'm going to start moving forward, because there is nothing behind me that is worth standing still for anymore.

Thank you for all the blessings today, Jehovah.