downs and ups

this journey promises to be exciting.  maybe not all in a good way, but exciting nonetheless.

i planned for nothing today.  i'd cleaned my house, decided against the meeting, and i was pretty content to not do much of anything.  my mom had called to check on me, and Syd had checked in through text.  i was still irritable and sad-ish, but i decided after a point that it was time to get moving.  i was preparing myself to go to the store to get something to cook for dinner and to perhaps purchase lunch while i was out when Rachel called.  we talked for a bit and she had to get off the phone, which was perfect because conversation was killing my forward momentum.  i went to sav-a-lot, having settled on chili and cornbread for dinner, and while i was in the checkout procedure Rachel called back, asking if i wanted to come pick her up to come over.  i told her i'd be there, finished my purchase and picked her up.  we ate chili and cornbread, we talked, she shed some tears because she's overwhelmed and she knows she has to make some better decisions in her life.  i read to her from The Land of Evolon and she fell asleep snuggled up next to me and it was the nice part of the day.  we went to walmart not long ago.  i bought her some incense and she bought me some coffee creamer and sugar-free ice cream.  i took her home and it was a nice visit.

the day started with prayer and breakfast.  i just wanted to have a day of me, without the heaviness of what's missing.  i managed to get quite a bit of the poem done today, and i can see where it's going.  tomorrow is the gym, as i didn't walk today.  the gym and my parent's house to visit.  i feel okay today.  i don't mind the sad.  it's the constant thought of a fucked up world and me trapped in it as an old man that has me up and down.  but i don't own the future and i need to stop acting like i do.  i don't even own today.  it's all in God's hands.  i can either do the best i can today, or i can fuck it off and keep wasting time until one more opportunity is gone.  i don't choose to do that today, so, thank you Jehovah, and i will do the best i can should i be blessed with breath in the morning.  out.

another day down.

to start an entry that way makes me feel as if this was a difficult day.  i didn't do anything special, which makes for a long day.  i was very low energy, which makes for a sleepy day, and i was thinking way too much, which made for a day of fluctuating emotions.  but it wasn't a difficult day at all.  i'm just glad its over.

i realize a part of what is troubling me is i have nothing really that i look forward to each day now.  i got up and said my prayers and got coffee and breakfast in me.  i cleaned very casually today, though other than vacuuming my bedroom i'm done.  i ate more than i should have, but that's emotional as well.  i worked out some better mixes for a composition i did today and i am seeing some direction coming to light in The Land of Evolon, so it's not been a dead day.  i don't know what i thought would happen.  maybe that Rachel would have made her way over?  that's not likely.  she's not feeling very up and she's going to spin on this merry-go-round until it makes her sicker.

i guess i have to get my shit together, so i can get moving on the publishing company.  it is my goal and i'm going to see it through.  and i don't have to have anyone's help to do it either.  but this is loneliness.  it makes me wonder about Patrice.  about how friendships nature has become that you have to just let someone be sick, or put up with their bullshit, or you jeopardize the friendship.  sad. but accurate.  i'm too old to chase people, and i'm not so old that i am willing to just take whatever emotional crumbs someone has left on the metaphorical counter for me.  i can bake my own fucking bread for all that.  little red hen and the grain of wheat, right?

i'm not doing the meeting tomorrow.  i'm going walking in the morning.  and i am grateful for this day, as it was, not as i wanted it to be.

uncoupling booster rocket

a successful launch.  broke through earth's atmosphere again, with enough thrust to carry us out and lock into coordinates.  now it's time for impulse power, a steady pulsing of the engines, with navigational responsibilities to log any alteration in our course and make the necessary corrections.  we are on our way.

i got up and prayed this morning, but the prayer was rough.  i got dressed, had a cup of coffee and went for my walk.  i walked up to mansell and circled back around.  i was tired, and i wasn't feeling a long long walk. not to mention i'd done some work on a new groove and wanted to get back to it.  i got back, had coffee and water while i took insulin and meds and i got my day started with breakfast.  had a sausage and egg on toast sandwich with cheese.  i had a sandwich with chips and a diet iced tea for lunch and i had wings and cabbage and potato salad for dinner.  three chocolate chip cookies for dessert.

i worked on the groove and i went to counseling.  i went to the store to get my stuff for lunch.  i cleaned the surfaces in the kitchen and i have to finish my cleaning tomorrow.  i talked to Rachel this evening, and she is under a lot of stress, family stuff.  i talked to Lonnie a couple of times and took him some lasagna.  talked to my mom briefly as well.  i still feel sadness, but i am still productive and so i guess i can be two things or more at the same time, by God's grace.  ]

Tomorrow the plan is to finish cleaning my apartment and to work on poetry and music.  i will pray better in the morning, because i won't short-change God any more than i already am.  Thank you, Father, for allowing me this journey.

the weight of a day

well, today was pretty emotional for me.  i did the things that i set out to do, and maybe even a few more.  but i felt the sadness of my reality as heavy as a winter coat in the middle of the ocean, and i felt it pulling me down.

i know Syd is just doing her thing, and i don't really oppose because i've not been able to do anything special for her summer vacation.  but it puts it into a very clear focus, that i spend an awful lot of time by myself these days, and it's not as much fun as i sometimes try to convince myself it is.  she left today early in the morning, and i was irritated, just because it's evident that she is not going to be here much as time goes on.  and while i do relish the solitude, i never thought it would be so all-encompassing.  Rachel is in the hospital, sugar out of control i'll wager.  silence from my usual reach out places.  i gave lasagna to my mom and my brother, ate some for dinner and put the rest in the fridge.  i composed most of a song using apps on my phone, which is pretty damn fun, but not as much as if i were doing it with Rachel.  i felt like crying most of the day, but no tears came.  so i'll walk tomorrow, and i'll go to counseling, and i'll finish the month and begin another.  if i am blessed to awaken to a new day, that is.  God's will be done.

away from the sun and the darkness

this was a different kind of day.  it wasn't a bad day, by any stretch, but it was a different day, like tomorrow will be a different day.  the awareness of the differences from today, however, make this noteworthy.

yesterday, i let Patrice know what was going down with me.  i'm gong to log this here, because i'm going to erase my texts and i don't want to lose the content of this.

"i've got something to say.  gonna take a few texts. i know i got no right to expect different.  our friendship's always been this way.  and you are a good friend.  thing is, i don't have many friends left.  don't want many.  didn't make me feel any better when i had a bunch of people around me.  actually get more done now.  however, i get older, the changes come faster.  sometimes i just need to know someone is there.  and that's not always the case.  i have no right to expect anything from you.  you've done a lot for me.  but i'm angry because i reach in when i'm in need and its hit or miss.  and in compromised times, like now, that leaves me fucked up.  i don't have the energy anymore to try fixing everything.  i love you, but once i resume texting, matter of time before i'm in pain and don't have access again.  historically true.  and i know i'm no better and i'm sorry about that.  but i just don't have enough left to fight my thoughts and the emptiness as well.  that's all.  sorry to bother you."

that is, verbatim, the message that i sent to Patrice.  messages, rather.  earlier in the day she'd asked me how i was and i said 'i'm okay' and felt like that was bullshit.  so i let her know.  and today no text.  and that's okay.

i guess that's the thing now.  i am not in touch with Patrice.  I'm not in touch with Rachel.  i've not heard from Deja.  i know Syd will be gone in not too many months.  and then it will be just me.  i don't want to get lost in the loneliness.  but i know that is a part of what's coming.  so i have to leave both the light and the darkness, and make it to the next level, which has different rules for me to learn and a different reality for me to exist in.

today i didn't hit the gym, it wasn't scheduled.  i had breakfast and made Syd a breakfast sandwich.  i went to my meeting and Bob, the secretary, wasn't there again.  i was irritable because of the undercurrent of the absences i mentioned.  i called Bob after the meeting and found he's been in the hospital, had a foot infection and as a diabetic it cost him.  i felt bad.  i wasn't angry at him for not being there but i was all caught up in self, wanting to not go to the meeting.

i went to the store and got some stuff and Syd decided she wasn't eating here and that's okay.  made a crockpot lasagna for tomorrow.  had taco bell for lunch, and a Little Debbie cake as a snack as i'd been craving something sweet.  egg, sausage and rice for breakfast.  a hamburger patty, two cheddar brats, no bread on them, pirogis and california blend veggies, heavy on the carrots, for dinner.  i started on my business plan, wrote in the Evolon poem, have been working on something i'll reveal later as far as giving Toti a voice, and feel okay.  i'm about to lay down, read and sleep and get upo for the gym in the morning.  dishes done, coffee ready to perk, trash out.  Thank you, Jehovah, for your grace and for watching over Bob.

successful launch

day two, and it's been a good and sour day.  but i have no problems with that.  there is going to be sour, there is going to be sweet, and both are more than welcome on any given tastebud.

i got up and was feeling pretty sleepy but i got into my walking shoes.  i said my prayers, got my coffee and water, made my way out the back door (as Syd was sleep in the living room) and drank my coffee and water and got started on my walk.  i did the 1.7 mile walk this morning, and it was uneventful and lovely.  i saw a family of raccoons, gathering for an attack on someone's house on Hadley.  i watched the sunrise, i noticed the amount of trash all through the neighborhoods.  i saw the tiny pine tree that some part of me thinks will need to be decorated this december.  i came home and took my meds and insulin.  i had breakfast, two boiled eggs, two slices off a block of pepperjack cheese and a piece of toast and a cup of milk.  i couldn't get much done early as Syd was still sleep in the living room.  i looked into some book pricing and some prices for registering my business and almost got discouraged.  then i realized i can't put the cart in front of the horse, and decided i needed to wash a load of clothes and i needed to visit my parents, which coincided for me.

at my parent's house, i started my wash and went up to visit.  my dad was at a doctor's appointment and my mom was in her room.  my aunt and the young guy she babysits were just pulling in and were on the porch.  i decided i'd have lunch at my parent's as opposed to going to some fast food place.  i made a ham and roast beef on wheat with tomato, lettuce and cheese and was about to have it with a small bit of potato salad and a banana when Lonnie called and asked if i wanted to go to lunch.  so i passed the sandwich to my mother and went to lunch, where i had half a brisket sandwich, a field green salad with a balsamic vinaigrette and a cup of broccoli and cheddar/chili combined at my request.  actually not a bad combo, though the waitress thought it was weird.  i dropped Lonnie at his car as he only worked half a day today and went back to my parent's house.  my aunt had dried my clothes so i folded them and went back up to visit.  my dad was home and i talked to he and my mother for awhile before deciding to come home.

i dozed in and out for a bit, then decided i needed to scavenge.  i had the last of the fajita chicken with mashed potatoes and water, and i had a small bowl of leftover haluski.  it was likely more than i should have eaten but it was good and i'm not hungry any longer.  i watched some tv with Syd, and i'm about to shut down soon.  i don't have a workout scheduled for tomorrow, but my plan is to get a business plan put together (horse before the cart) so that i can work out getting my thing started.

the picture in the corner is Rachel, the sunday after our 'appreciation dinner' without a flash.  i chose that one because it feels like i'm in a Rachel blackout at this time.  she has no phone at the moment, and i don't feel i need to accommodate her by going over every day.  she can call if she wants to, as her children have phones.  and she can get over here if she wants to, as her mom gives her access to the car from time to time.  what i know is i have things to do, horses to groom and carts to build, and if she is going to be in my life she needs to at least not make my jobs harder to do.  its her choice.  i hate not seeing her but seeing her at her house is like a jail visit, where you have to follow the protocol by force.

Patrice was texted this afternoon by me, explaining what my take is on the current status of our relationship/friendship and my lack of communicating at this time.  Lonnie says, and i agree, that i allowed the terms of silence and distance at awkward intervals, and that i can't expect any different if she doesn't choose to be responsive to what i say.  i agree, but before i write off a friendship of twenty years, i will attempt to make known how i feel.  i did the same thing with Mike, who was my friend since my sophomore year in high school up until my third or fourth year here.  i am a firm believer in propriety.  if i say how i feel, you have the choice to react, respond or ignore.  whatever choice you make lets me know if i can continue to walk with you or need to leave you alone, and that doesn't mean it's easy, it just means its necessary sometimes.

so, i'm going to look up writing a business plan.  i'm going to write something on the Z-Esoterica, which is the other side of this orbit.  and then i'm going to bed, and contemplate whether i'm going to the gym in the morning or not.  thank you, Jehovah, for a full and educational day.

Re-Launch

Mark it, July 25, 2016.  We are now on what Roddenberry would have called an 'ongoing mission'...to see what there is to see and learn what there is to learn and do what needs to be done and to keep a running journal of successes and failures, which are just future successes in need of current adjustments.  it's going to be kind of fun.  but it's going to be rather emotional as well.

not going to get off into a lot of melodrama about the end of the Orbit, and this will continue under that title, because it is an orbit of sorts.  but the ellipse of this journey is much wider in its dimensions and we may have to utilize some theories of relativity to keep from getting too much older before we make it to where we need to be.

but we will start with some parameters.

the video that is loaded is for a book that is going to get my daily attention.  it is the prologue from my new 'story poem', or epic poem as i like to think it.  which is what Waiting for Jesus is and what The Land of Evolon will be.  it will be done next month, and i intend to put it up as an item for sale on Kindle, but it is also going to be one of the earliest offerings from Z-Phyles, which i also intend to have up and running early next year, or sometime next year anyway.  

i want to see this through.  i think that was what i learned from the Orbit of origin, is that you have to get your bearings, hold on until you can get your coordinates locked, and then you leave orbit and start on your journey.  well, i want to publish books.  i want to write, edit, format, design and have printed books for myself and other authors under the Z-Phyle logo and imprint.  and the only way that's going to happen is for me to get to work on it.  and thus i shall.

as well, there are things that are up in the air, and i have to admit some sadness, that in order for me to move forward i have to leave so many things behind.  but a captain of a hot air balloon cannot lament having to cut loose a sandbag, regardless of how personable he may find that sandbag to be.  no one, mind you, is permanently dismissed.  but i am going to fly, and either i am going to be supported or i am going to be alone, but i will not be burdened with the worry for someone's state of mind who may not have my best interest at heart.  

today was a day started with prayer.  and i got my ass up and into my gym clothes.  i brewed a pot of coffee and had a cup and some water before the gym.  i worked the machines and i came home and had breakfast and got back to writing and making the video posted up top.  

breakfast was a salmon croquet, a fried egg and rice.  lunch was a chicken club sandwich and a spinach salad and dinner was two chicken fajitas.  a bit light on veggies, and i need some more fruit in my life, but i am full and not hungry and that's what eating is about.  

my knee is bothering me, my shoulder as well.  i don't know what's wrong with my knee, but i'm going to find out when i go walking tomorrow morning.

i splashed in a bath and rinsed off the funkiness, to the extent that such an artist as myself can attain that state, and i am now ready to watch a bit of television and prepare for sleep so i can do tomorrow with confidence and surety.  

this is going to be good.  thanking my Creator for a successful launch, and we'll update tomorrow.  

endings, and beginnings, part 2

this has been a hot and miserable day, a day that i am glad is over.  conversely, i feel much better than i was earlier, and i am at odds to explain why.  perhaps it will occur to me as i get this down.

this would be, by the way, the end of the end.  the orbit has landed.  tomorrow we'll take the gear we need for the next journey and get the new ship loaded.  but for now, downtime and decompression.

i went to pick up Lonnie and family from the Cleveland airport today.  i don't know what is wrong with me.  his text said they'd be landing at 3:21, but i thought it all day today as 3:15.  still six minutes only means something to Doug E Fresh.  so i left here about one thirty or so, not knowing what traffic would be like.  the road was not bad, though my GPS routed me on the turnpike as they always do.  i made the trip pretty quickly, even tried to slow myself down when i realized there was no actual traffic to be early to navigate.  i did what i always do when i'm visiting a place i'm not familiar with.  i went where i would have to be, memorized my route to get there, then i left.  it was blazing hot and my car has no ac.  i went down a road that led right back to the terminal, stopped into a McDonalds, used their restroom and had lunch.  i sat for a while, nursing a minute maid light lemonade, low cal.  finally, i saw it was almost three and i made my way back to the airport.  i circled the route and saw there were cars parked at the far end of a circuit that led around from the arrival gate and back.  i texted Lonnie that i was there and just waiting for his word.  that word was a very long time coming.
i'm still old school in so many ways, so it didn't dawn on me for awhile to see the airport website and discern if i could find a new arrival time.  i couldn't get a number to call someone but i found the flight and it was scheduled to arrive almost an hour late.  i was irritated, hot and sweaty.  i went back into whatever the small town was and got a water from a gas station just as Lonnie was calling me.  so back to the airport once again, i picked them up and we headed back to youngstown.
it was a long trip, two hours in Cleveland, at an airport with no parking, avoiding the roving security, hot as a motherfucker, running low on gas.  Lonnie of course compensated me for gas and paid for the toll back.  good friend.  i was irritated at him when we started back, but i'll make that apology tomorrow.
then i went to see Rachel.
the summation is, i told her she has to decide what she wants to be in my life.  otherwise, we can't really do anything because until she decides who she wants to be with me, she will continue to find ways to feel bad about feeling good.  and i don't have enough energy to deal with that and to keep the project moving forward.
i am really sleepy now.  got some other things i need to write about, but tomorrow if i'm alive is soon enough for that.  for now, i had a day, i'm grateful for breath, i thank God for getting us home safely, and i'm gone now.

endings, and beginnings

pondering is fun.
i've spent hours, days now, going over things in my mind, things that have their own gravity and their own orbit within my orbit.  it's time to put things to right.
first of all, i'm not going to stop doing this.  this has been my lifeline in so many ways.  i see now the reasoning that people have for keeping a journal, for trying to discipline themselves to daily self-reflection and appraisal.  because days are so chaotic, time is so twisted and life is so insane, you can get lost, you can lose yourself if you don't keep track of yourself.  as much as things seem to be spinning right now, i can only see the spinning because i am on solid ground.  that is a revelation.  so, i have to say that this orbit...this phase of this orbit, is concluded.  no, i'm not at a goal weight.  no, i'm not off the pills yet.  no, i am not a famous author.  but i am sane.  i am sound.  i trust the contents of my mind.  i feel at peace with the Tim on the inside.  i trust my child's voice.  i am not going to suicide.  i have things to do, and they require a more sound documentation.  and...maybe the icing on the cake, i owe my God something and i have to try to pass some things on to some people that my experiences may be beneficial to.
therefore, the orbit began in september of last year, though shortened, is at its end.  it started on Blog.com, and it migrated to blogspot,com, but it is vital, it is a roadmap that i will treasure and use...

...as i begin the next phase, the next orbit, if you will.  more on that later.

enough

when words don't work, there's only action.

i didn't do what i wanted to do today.  that's been the course throughout the week.  i went to counseling.  i got up with prayer.  i went to visit my parents, sold a bunch of raffle tickets for sunday's meeting, checked on Lonnie's house and got meat for the freezer.  i did not get to the gym.  i did not clean my house.  i did not get anything done on my SCORE checklist.  i am in a mood and it vacillates between anger and sadness.  it's not good.

counseling was good today.  i don't know how i am going to resolve the situation with Rachel.  i don't know if i want to bother to.  to look at the calendar and see a season that will repeat every three weeks is daunting.  its as if the season is going to be summer when we do something, turn to autumn within two days, with winter being the confusion and silence and then spring when we start the insanity over again.  agitate, rinse, spin, repeat.  i'm pretty sure there's supposed to be some kind of plateau where things work out, where something better happens, where she decides she's going to face the monster, or at least that i'm worth the effort the sustained effort.  or, maybe this is that decision being attempted.  but i can't get ahead like this.

i'm hot, sticky and tired.  i'm going to shut it down and clean tomorrow as usual.  have to pick up Lonnie and his caravan in Cleveland tomorrow afternoon.  at least its something to do.

going through another wormhole

it's been about a fifty/fifty day.  i got some things done, i didn't hurt myself too much, and i feel my gravity is restored, though the settings are a bit off still and i feel the heaviness.  but i'm ready to roll, and i guess that counts for something.  i got up and prayed and moved slowly.  i think the mental state is translating into some physical distress, particularly in my feet, but truth is i was still not feeling motivated.  but i took meds, and i had breakfast, and i started my day.  i laid about for a bit, thinking that today was the day we had to go meet with the PTI people, but that is next thursday, so i kept is casual on a hot summer day.  i cut the front of my yard early and Jo cut the back, and i talked to Syd about some things.  i reworked the mix on my song Echo and i wrote a poem to get some things out of me.  had lunch and dinner, talked to my mom and dad, and now i'm about to shut it down.  Rachel has been texting me in the evening hours, but i've not responded much.  again, the realization that this shit isn't going to change, and that if it were i, and she were something i really wanted but something in my head was standing in the way, i'd at least address the thing in my head, if i couldn't work it all the way through.  but that's me.  tomorrow i'm going to the gym.  i'm going to counseling and i'm going to check my finances to see if i can get through the next two weeks.  God's will be done.  i'm out.

revelation, of a sort

i spent today pretty sad, and what's worse is i knew this was coming.

i have to get some things off me now.  time is out of sync, and i'm not really feeling like i want to continue this orbit.  that means somehow i've gotten off into self-will again, and that's really harmful for me.  but if i don't get this shit out of me, it's what my dis-ease will run with to compromise my foundation.

okay, so i went to my meeting, and i didn't want to be there. not for any specific reason, but the overall sense that it makes no difference anymore.  the games are what matter the most.  to do meetings where you try to bring light to the Steps and Traditions and know that the only thing that really matters to most people is the drama they can voyeuristically consume is trying for me.  but the secretary didn't make it, so i was there because i was supposed to be.  i didn't want to be there, but i went because i can't allow myself to be a hostage in my own life anymore.

since saturday, contact has dissolved again.  i'm not really even upset about that.  it's like i was saying yesterday, i'm realizing some things about what is happening on the borders of my life and it's not good stuff.  Rachel has a good day with me.  ends up emotionally vulnerable, then she does something or says something the next day that's supposed to make me a bad guy to some part of her and then she is gone.  it hints at more than depression.  the pattern of it means it's likely a diagnosible disorder of some sort, a personality disorder, but nothing gives any evidence that it's being treated.  i just know i can't even feel anything but numb, because i put as much me as i could into that day, and now i'm right back on the outside, and i don't have any more me to put into this.  today i got texted a picture.  i didn't respond.  yesterday i got a call, said i'd call back in 4 minutes, called back in exactly four minutes, and no answer.  so, i don't have it in me to keep feeling in that capacity.  and i've written this before, so i also feel pretty stupid in writing it again.  i know people say 'the heart wants what it wants', but i don't think this is the same thing.  i think i'd hoped that she would find it in herself to fight with me, but whatever else has access to her control panel is determined to keep the fight against me.  so, i wait.  and i'm retreating back into silence.  but when Syd asked me today if i was okay, i told her no but it was just i wasn't feeling people, and i didn't direct any of it toward her, and that's progress.  usually, i nitpick something and allow myself to vent at her, and i know its wrong but i do it anyway, but i'm not going to un-grow.  there's not enough time left for me to play this game.

Patrice continues to send good morning texts, and i haven't answered in two days.  same thing.  three days ago, she called and i told her i'd call her back in twenty minutes, asked her if she'd answer the phone and she said yes.  and she didn't.  and this is what i am contending with.  i am in a space where all i see is i've surrounded myself with unavailable people, and i count on them to do what they are incapable of doing.  i've put thought into this today.  Patrice, were i to call her now, or text her, and tell her i need 150 dollars, she would have it wired to me asap.  to ask her to try to stay connected as she calls me her friend, that's beyond her.  i don't get it, and i don't appreciate it, but i can't change anyone else.  so i'm trying to work on changing me.  and that's not easy, but i'm trying.  i don't want to talk to her right now.  i'm angry as fuck.  i'm angry because just before this i sat and went through this absence wondering what the fuck have i done to this woman now.  same thing i'm supposed to wonder about Rachel.  and she texted me back and said i didn't do anything to her, that it was the same as it always is with her.  as if that's enough.  as if that's all that's required, is to say 'my bad', and 'i promise to do better'.  but i am accepting this from people.  i am accepting this dysfunction and this neglect.  and i've done this to other people, as i also said yesterday.  but i know its bad for me right now.

my dad likely hadn't even tried the banana pudding i made for him.  when my mom told me that, i was irritated as hell.  i don't have a reason to be.  my dad eats what he eats when he eats.  i know for him it's the thought.  but it's like with De'ja right now.  like hearing a happy father's day from De'ja at almost midnight on father's day.  like not even getting a fucking card from him or Sydney.  am i that inconsequential?  so this is my mood.  and it's killing me.  it's got my forward momentum halted.  it's got me depressed as all hell.  i had two burgers fully dressed for dinner and a tiny salad.  i just wanted it, but it numbed nothing.  i'm going to see my sponsor tomorrow.  i'm going to see these people from PTI, a tech school Syd is looking into for after her senior year.  and i'm going to check on Lonnie's house again, though i truly don't want to go back in there.  but all in all, i am just mentally and emotionally weary beyond reckoning.  thoughts of not bothering with the world anymore, thoughts of being done with it all, and though they have no gravity, they are there.  they are far enough that i can talk about them, but close enough to affect my tides.  i need to change some major things in me, with me, and refocus on what my goals are.  but i only see years of being alone, years of getting older and sicker and no one caring one way or another.  years of struggling.  years of regret.  being an old man and realizing that i had spent years failing.  and i'm having some trouble with that right now.

i don't know if i'll be okay, but i'm going to work on being okay.  its all i can say today.  i know i'm not grateful enough, and i'm not going to pretend i am.  this sucks, my attitude sucks also, but i'm being honest at least.  good night.

inconsistencies

so, i'm seeing some things in me, in the people around me.  and i'm knowing that those are the same thing, in the big picture.  most of us are reflected fairly accurately in the people we keep in our circles.  we are a replication of the things we attract and we are also a reflection of many of the things we repel.  so i've been watching some things and learning some things about myself.

starting out the day i prayed and got to the gym.  it wasn't an easy start.  the humidity levels yesterday blew me away and robbed me of sleep, but i got there anyway, thank the Father.  i got my workout in, came home, took insulin and meds and i had breakfast.  i got moving after a few, went to my parent's house and took my dad his banana pudding and card from my brother and i.  i went then to check on Lonnie's house.  it was amazing, and i'm writing this here because i have to get it out of me.  i went in the back door, took the right key this time.  the house was an amazing level of being wrecked.  i know some of it is the residuals of his daughter's graduation party, some of it is the going away party.  but most of it is just the living conditions my best friend has acclimated to over the past twenty years.  i moaned with sadness going into a kitchen that would not have surprised me to see vermin perched on the surface of dirty dishes or open and long-spilled over trash.  i walked through enough to determine i'd seen nothing out of the ordinary and hurried out.  like seeing the child hit by the car and getting up and running away in columbus in the past year, this is going to stay on my mind.

when i left i went to the store to get stuff for haluski.  it's not great for a diabetic but it was simple and quick to fix.  i went back to my parent's house briefly, talked to my dad for a few minutes and came back home.  i prepped everything and i watched some television and wrote a poem but i didn't post it.  i kept running across feeds about Melania Trump plagarizing Michelle Obama's speech.  it got me to thinking that people being surprised at the level of hypocrisy, deceit and outright garbage bullshit is stupid, because this is what america has always been.  but no one cares.  no one reads.  no one thinks any more than they have to.  so why post a thought that is too heavy for modern minds to carry?

i gave an old friend clean urine today.  again, disclosure, but i won't name the friend.  he shouldn't have needed it, but he needs his job as he has kids to care for.  i am really sure that weed makes people stupid.  i know now there are 'studies' to the opposite, but there are always studies, and they always say what the preferred legislation thinks they ought to say.  but if you know you need a job and you know you get drug tested to keep a job, the conclusion is simple.  and if you can't figure that out, then you my have some issues you don't want to look at.  more on that later.

i went most of the day not hearing from Rachel.  it would be dumb to pretend this is a surprise or new, but it is not.  it is a hiding from emotions, and it is not something i choose to dwell on right now.

but in the same light, my friend Patrice in columbus is doing the same shit.  and it is enough to make me reflect on myself.  these are the people i have in my circle.  these are the individuals that i try to draw strength from.  people who fade when time and circumstance gets thicker.  friends that go into isolation and stay there and forget that they are part of a world that may just rely upon them for some things.  i can't say for sure.  but i know there is a part of me that is like that, a part of me that is going to always question his own integrity because of his uncle dying and him not being more active in visiting, or his sponsor being ill and him not having the willingness to visit more as inertia becomes greater with each day.  i am weary.  and that weariness seems to feed off itself in me through others, and maybe in others through me.  perpetual and synergetic.  i can't say for certain.  but it's worth pondering.

i have a foot doctor appointment tomorrow, and a meeting at noon. i'm grateful the heat wasn't as savage as the day before.  good night.

get it in

a nothing monday.  a blah day if ever there was one.  and it wasn't supposed to be a blah day, but that's how the dice fell and i am glad it's almost over.

got up with prayer and humidity.  didn't feel up to the gym, with my knee and ankle sort of panging today.  there was a monstrous downpour and i was hoping it would have broken the humidity but it didn't.  it just made it more miserable after the sun came back out.  i went out long enough to go to the store to get the stuff to make my father's banana pudding, which i'm delivering tomorrow for his birthday.  i've eaten, i've napped, i've fucked around.  i should have been researching for my business and taking care of some other things that remain on my 'to do' list, but i am sweated and sort of physically drained.  so, that is all i've got for today.  i am grateful to God for life.  and i am going to leave it at that.

post script

this has been a rather uneventful sunday.  i am not complaining, but i am remarking on it.  and i'm not sure if its uneventful in the light of yesterday's good thing, or if it really was just that slow and genuinely blah.

i had a rough time getting out of the bed and a rougher time getting up again.  i said my prayers, i  got myself up finally, took insulin and meds and had a cup of coffee, had breakfast and i laid back down.  it was really early and i was pretty groggy from the sugar influx of the dinner yesrterday.  i finally did get back up though, made the cd's for Rachel and wrote out and printed the recipe for the peanut butter pie and then i got myself going to the meeting.  

the guy i 'sorta' sponsor, who is the continuing secretary at the meeting, wasn't there to open.  as well, the irritating woman was there and was as irritating as ever.  i wasn't feeling it, and i kept my distance mostly.  i know my mood when i'm at that meeting is not good, and i have to work on that.  i am supposed to be a power of example, but it doesn't seem to work so well when i try to remain positive and it doesn't make me feel good to fake any feelings at all.  what i feel is what i feel.  

the meeting ended and i went to take Rachel her discs.  i visited with her for a few, i was really tired by that point and pretty hungry as well.  i got a gyro and a pop and went to look in on Lonnie's house.  i ate my lunch on his back stoop and i went to visit my parents when i left Campbell.  my dad was just coming in from another urgent care visit.  my mom was eating.  she and her sister seem to be getting along, but i don't get the sense there is resolution by way of conversation taking place.  but that's not my business.  

i came home, mostly laid around, sleepy but far too early for me to sleep.  around six i had the rest of my food from yesterday.  i washed my dishes afterward, got my coffee ready for the morning, had a small piece of the pie that i left for Syd and Jo and i lazed about until now.  i am ready to shut it down but i needed to get this in, and i am hot and not easily making it under the sleep wave.  i'm going to find some fresh binaurals and try it again, but i am grateful for the day as its been.  

its funny how you can know things and not have them verified for you.  i am watching children at play at these meetings.  i see this irritating woman thriving off the drama of someone who should know better than to be in all this drama he's in anyway.  i'm seeing the almost sponsored guy likely still using, and i after all these years haven't been able to get the membership to see that they have to do what's in the best interest of the group before the individual.  i am already running through excuses to not hit the gym tomorrow, but there's not one valid reason in my head why i shouldn't.  i know things, i see patterns and currents and i feel the changes that come as a result of these things.  i don't know that it's right, but i know that it makes me cautious and it prevents me from simply letting down my walls and trying to 'be a part' of what is going on in the meetings these days.  but it's hard to work on an inside problem from the outside.  so i'm going to work on it, and i just wanted to put it up here as my awareness that it needs to be worked on.  i'm done.  thank you, Father.  

echo

she actually cried.  that bodes ill for the future, but for today, it was perfect.  

i got up and got into this day as a start to a plan.  i prayed, got coffee started, moving very slowly.  a part of me didn't want to start at all, but i knew i had a day to make up for yesterday, and i knew i had a day planned, so i got it going right.  i went for a half hour walk, went and grabbed a cheap breakfast and came home to finish my prep stuff.  

i'd made plans for Rachel to (optionally) come to spend some time being appreciated today.  it was accompanied with an actual invitation, which i took to her when i visited on Thursday.  i didn't know for sure she'd be coming and had actually thought she wouldn't, as she has been tied up in family stuff.  so i did my day on an 'act as if' basis.  that is to say, if i acted as if she wasn't coming, there'd be little disappointment and some measure of happy surprise if she did.  

i went to Wal-Mart to check for Lonnie on a mirror extender for his trip to get his daughter to Arizona, and i came back home again. i'd cooked the salmon patties and partially roasted the potatoes, so they could be finished quickly should she come or whenever it was time for me to eat.  i took a bath, shaved and pondered what i needed to get done and how could i most effectively carry that out.  Karl came by with some music and he visited for a bit.  it was closing in on noon, so after he left i went to get a sandwich for lunch so i could take my long acting insulin.  Rachel called as i was pulling into the driveway to say she was ready, so i went to pick her up.

she seemed on guard when i got to her.  i didn't say much, just let her sit in her silence.  when we got here, i got things started.  i'd prepared a playlist for her, had made a four-course meal and had a surprise which i've included in this log.  the \playlist glitched, or windows media player glitched, but i got around that.  she sat at a distance until i started to read her a poem.  then i said that just reading it wouldn't be enough for a goddess appreciation day (my term) so i played her the video.  and...she cried.  cried for awhile in fact.  and cried later.  and had tears in her eyes most of the evening.  we ate.  a veggie-chicken and rice spicy soup, a green salad with some apple and some other crunchy things, salmon croquettes and roasted red-skinned parmesan potatoes and sauteed asparagus and mushrooms.  for dessert a peanut butter pie.  Rachel loves peanut butter.  

it was interesting, how we both had to shoot insulin, how we played scrabble together much better than we'd played dominoes with her children, how she got and gets so lost with words, trying to not say things that she wants to say, and trying to not feel things when they are all over her.  i know she's going to run.  i know that she's going to feel compromised.  but for tonight, she cried, and she was happy, and that's pretty much as good as it gets.  some never even get that much in this lifetime, do they?  

i'm going to keep it simple and go to bed.  it is about that time, and i have a meeting to get to tomorrow.  thank you, Jehovah.  

...what rough beast?

my phone doesn't take clear pictures, sorry to say.  but there was a massive cloud out this evening, looked like an angry storm working up enough hate, slowly, to attack a small city.  and it reminded me of Yeats 'rough beast' in The Second Coming.  so, there you go.

anyway, today wasn't bad.  slow due to the heat, but good nonetheless.  i got up with prayer and decided to chill after the 2.3 mile walk on thurday, though i plan a much less intense walk tomorrow morning.  i had breakfast, sort of messed around with a melody on a guitar app on my phone which turned into something that i've been working on most of the day, and i went to counseling.  i enjoy the sessions with VF still, but we usually talk about the state of the world, which always is bad, and it makes her sad to think about the things that stay on my mind.  too late for the 'clinical' roles to be resumed, i guess, but she's good people, and one of the few individuals whom i'd like to NOT see affected by this stupid world.  so, you carry the guilt and try to keep it moving, and appreciate the gift that a good person is to you.  i guess.  that's what i do anyway.

well, went to the store after counseling, got the last couple of things i needed for tomorrow.  Rachel and I are trying it again.  i gave her an official invitation to dinner.  designed it, printed it up and put it in an envelope.  delivered it when i visited her yesterday.  i am apprehensive, i must admit.  i have planned for simplicity, which for me is a bit of an oxymoron.  i have taken what i know about her into account, and have a nice four course meal planned, maybe some Scrabble if she has time, likely a trip to the Butler before we eat.  i just can't say whether it's going to go well or end in a crash and burn, as so many other good days have.  perhaps it is a masochistic streak in me.  or maybe it's just that i want to believe that better can become better still.  i don't know.  but i've not given up yet, and i don't intend to.  still, i am trying to remain objective, so that if something happens, i will know that i did nothing wrong and that it's just time to do an assessment check and figure out what's my next move in my own personal life.

anyway, dinner is prepped, salads are made and chilled.  a couple little surprises, but still in the range of simplicity.  now i just have to get to tomorrow, should God will it.

i am tired.  straightened up as much as i plan to.  need to write a poem to go with the melody and harmony i recorded today.  it is to be a poem for Rachel, one she'll have to carry in her heart rather than something she can have, because i have no intention of writing it to give her a copy.  i have so many other things that need to be done too, but i will get to them, one thing at a time.  i'm just glad this day is over.  thanking my Heavenly Father for all the blessings i've received today, and i'm gone.

dammit

i'm pretty sure i missed yesterday, haven't checked yet.  it's the heat, i believe.  it's so damn intense it is making me have to shut down big swatches of my personage just to function.  but i'm getting this done early so i can chill.

this has been another slow day.  i'm finding as i get older the less i try to do 'heatwave heroics', the easier i can deal with high temps.  so i got up, this was my off day, no walk, no gym, i said prayers, i took meds, i ate breakfast, i studies some of the SCORE material and did some of the worksheet they gave me, and i showered and got ready for the meeting.  i'm in the process of preparing a 'just in case' day for saturday, should Rachel decide to come hang out with me.  gonna prep dinner, figure on what movie to watch, get my house clean between tonight and tomorrow and put to rest all the chores, like taking my dad to an eye appointment tomorrow.  if Rachel can't make it i'll still have a chill out weekend, but it's a six of one, half dozen of the other plan.  and i can live with that.

Patrice called me last night.  i hadn't heard from her since two weeks ago.  she has an issue with understanding staying in touch.  i am sometimes saddened, by people's actions, yes, but also by the way the world keeps turning people into this caricatures of humans.  she said she wasn't feeling good, and i understand that.  but when a person is texting, or calling, and showing that they are trying to get in touch with you, the least you can do is send a message:  'i'm alive, not communicative right now, talk soon' or some such bullshit.  but no.  not now, not ever, and likely not in this lifetime.  so, i told her i was bummed about her but i would live.

bummed as well about not getting the publishing nomination, but as i move to a clearer picture of what i want from my publishing venture, it is not heavy duty down with not being chosen by kindle.  i am going to make my own road, and what could be better than this?

i have eaten.  i'm going to take my fast acting insulin, and i'm going to lay down and try to read in my hot room.  i'm walking tomorrow.  i've mapped out a route that will give me 2.3 miles and will be circuitous so if i find it too much i can cut over on any side street and make it home.  but God and toti have been on point, and i've enjoyed the early morning walks, and i can't see a reason tomorrow should be different.  so, we're going to do this and if we succeed, it will be a lovely thing.

okay, i'm done for now.  thank you, Jehovah, for a really peaceful day.

sunrise

this was a pretty good day, all the way around.  it started with getting up on time, getting prayers in and getting out for my walk.  i decided i was going to start walking the neighborhood on my cardio days, since the weather is good and summer ain't going to last forever.  so i got out about five thirty, walked from my house to Belmont to Goldie to Hadley and back to my house, about 1.7 miles.  it was a nice time to walk, to think and to let my mind run its gamut as it tends to do.  i came home and took meds and had a bacon and egg sandwich, then i shaved and showered and got ready for my appointment.

i got there a bit early, having some trouble finding Williamson hall.  it was in a totally different place when i was at ysu.  i met with two gentlemen who asked a bunch of questions, talked and gave me some info to get started on prepwork.  it was nice learning that there are resources available, and they helped me to clarify my vision a bit more, if nothing else.  after my meeting with them, i came home, can't remember what for, but i didn't stay in long.  i went to the grocery stores and to dollar general to pick up some things that are needed here.  i had a leftover burger for lunch, and i talked to Lonnie and Rachel.  then i went later in the afternoon to visit Rachel.  i talked to my mom briefly and i made myself some fish and cali blend veggies for dinner with potatoes and onions.  i watched some television and i am now about to put it down so i can get to sleep.  gym in the morning, and getting into this paperwork the dudes gave me so i can start my process.  thank you Father, and i'm out.  

strange days indeed...

there are times when you have to ponder what anything really means.  when you have to really have to consider if anything in the world you inhabit makes any sense at all.  this has been one of them days.

the usual waking up, and i did pray, but i didn't get right up.  i didn't want to get up at all.  i wanted to stay to myself.  i'd been trying to put the whole thing with Rachel into a working mental frame of reference, but one problem that i have that i haven't yet learned to circumnavigate.  i hate not having an understanding of a happening thing.  i haven't had to have someone verify a truth to me in a long time.  things are what they are, not because of the words someone uses to explain them, but because of how they feel, how they're done and the results they produce.
so i understood that Rachel's been feeling like she's been losing control in our 'relationship'.   i know that she's felt the closeness trigger things that she hasn't talked to me about yet.  i know that going to a function with me in a more professional capacity, hanging with my dad and i in a social setting, going to meet my mom, and having me try to open her corridor to free input at her leisure was a bit much for someone with severe anxiety issues.  but...
to get the 'i will call, a text isn't what you deserve' and the 'can you come by so we can talk?' bit was something out of the blue.  i'm used to the backing away, staying to herself, allowing the adjustment to happen and coming back around.  i'm not used to the 'i want us to be friends...' when we've been friends for the past 11 years.  so my mind wouldn't settle, and my own explanation was weak to me.  my explanation of what's been going on, of where i am and what i'm doing and how things are going to continue to progress for me, i mean.  it's been a period of going further into my own head, until today i could not function in a 'going to a meeting and doing a bunch of shit with people i'd rather not be bothered with' today.
so.  i was laying in bed.  i sent a text to Marc, a friend from the meeting, that i wouldn't be there.  he obviously sent a text to Bob, another friend, who told me to get my ass to the meeting and be around people who cared about me.  i thanked him and told him no.  then Rachel texted good morning and i did as well.  she asked if i was busy and i considered ignoring her and said no.  she called after a bit and discerned that i wasn't doing well, which i agreed with.  we talked, she asked if i wanted to pick her up and i said i would.
she came by with stuff to cook for lunch and alcohol swabs for my insulin injections. she cooked burgers for us, and she cleaned the kitchen.  we talked, we played dominoes, which she'd also brought, and we went outside and looked at my unkempt hedges.  between that, Bob texted me that he was on his way and he brought me a plate with haluska, a chicken breast from KFC and a piece of key lime pie which i just ate for dinner.
in that completely long and unnecessary reiteration, i am making this point, or a few actually.  one, i wish i could say i feel completely better, but i don't.  i feel some better, but the truth is, while Rachel said when last she visited that she was having trouble with my 'orders', as she put them, to do things in the kitchen...SHE JUST DID THOSE THINGS IN MY KITCHEN.  not to mention, she brought a set of dominoes to teach me how to play, though i didn't ask her to.  and that makes a lot of the past week, of the 'i know its me but i'm overwhelmed' thing sort of...dramatics, to be honest about how i feel.  but that's the way it is.  another thing is, and credit where credit is due, her recovery time is a lot less than it used to be.  this time, she bailed on a Saturday, texted me that Saturday night, asked me to come by on Monday or Tuesday, and was back here a little over a week later.  that's from a woman who has bailed on the entire world for several years in the past.  but...so have i.  so i guess patience is sometimes just knowing what you yourself would require from people on the outside of your personal problem, and giving that to someone who is going through the same or similar?  maybe.
regardless, bed soon, the SCORE association tomorrow morning, and back to research and progressing on turning Z-Phyles into a real-world commodity.  Thank you, Father, for a learning day.

blahs

this has been a drag of a day.  i can't say anything good or bad about it, honestly.
i got up and forgot my prayers but got my walk in.  i said my prayers after i finished my walk.  i had breakfast and took meds and insulin.  i straightened my bed.  i gathered clothes and went to wash at a laundromat.  i went to my parent's house to check on my dad and visit briefly.  had a long talk with my brother about some of the issues with our family.  i got fish for lunch, had sausage for dinner.  i gave Syd some money, as the CS card hasn't loaded yet.
i am bored.  i am lonely.  i am sad.  last week i was feeling this after having a day with Rachel.  a question i'm trying not to ask myself is, if loving someone always ends in sadness, why do it?
i'm afraid that an honest answer will make me alter my trajectory, truth be told.  so i have to find courage to answer it honestly.  but i also have to have acceptance that my God has a purpose for all this.  i sure hope so.  i'm tired of being sad and feeling like my happiness is on hold.

cold comfort for change...

...and did you exchange a walk on part in the war for the lead role in a cage?

today wasn't bad.  it wasn't much of anything, but it was a good day for a middle of the road kind of float.

i got up but didn't go to the gym.  i took my time, said prayers and had insulin and meds and boiled eggs and had raisin bran and toast for breakfast.  i kept slightly tuned in to the situation in Dallas and i went to counseling.  i went to see my parents.  i had dinner with Lonnie.  i went to the store but found no hat.  i talked to Rachel.  i avoided a call from someone i didn't want to talk to.  it's been just a day of no real movement.
tomorrow, i don't know what's happening.  i'm just going to play it by ear, other than a walk in the morning.  thanking my Heavenly Father for a peaceful day.

better sleep

it's six in the morning on Friday.  i didn't write yesterday, because i was cleaning and then i was sleeping.  but i will remark upon that day before i start on this one, though i've been up and have started the day with prayer.

yesterday started the same way.  i got to the gym, i enjoyed my workout.  i came home, had grits and two eggs.  i had nothing else on my agenda.  going to visit my parents was delayed as Deedy was there and i like to not be bothered with her when possible.  i did a lot of thinking.  a lot of it was Rachel but some of it was finances.  i checked my book stats several times, and though i stalled out again, i'm happy that i at least got more nominations than last time.  i don't have a conclusion yet, but you take the victories and don't sneer at the size of them because all losses seem monumental.
i watched television, i ate pastillilos for lunch and had burritos for dinner (Taco Bell, small variant) and i got my living room and kitchen straight and bathroom clean and floors mopped and vacuumed.  i watched some anime and an old Chavez/Camacho fight.  i set coffee pot which is even now tormenting me with its rich smell and i went to bed.
i went by Rachel's in the hottest part of the day as she offered me a pot of hamhocks and beans.  i didn't talk with her much.  i talked with her in the evening, and she is very scattered.  i am always amazed that she even bothers.  i know she's going through some heavy changes.  i know her restlessness isn't just from medication.  but she manages to keep me in her thoughts.  i did not throw her under the bus this time, i just miss hanging out with her.  perhaps i'll go visit today, depending on the heat.
i slept pretty well, all lights off, fan on high.  it's over seventy degrees already.  gonna be a miserable day, in which i am alive to be miserable.  blessings.  thank you Father.  today's entry will take place tonight.

good evening

well, its as hot as i figured it would be, but i'm well ensconced in my home and save for a brief sojourn to attend to the noon meeting, i have been here.
this day started well enough, though i've found a binaural track on youtube so heavy that waking up becomes an exercise in deep sea swimming.  i am glad that i'm on my schedule for the gym, because there's no way i was getting up and gone this morning.  between the heat, the headache and the underwater boogie,  i was pretty well out of it.  but i got started, said a prayer, had breakfast, took the meds i have and got it going.  i did some more studying and made some calls, and i have an appointment on monday to meet with an association that helps with getting small businesses started.  i am going to start devoting my writing time to studying the building of a business so that i can move forward again.
i got a good morning text from Rachel, and i returned it to her.  the meeting was okay, except our new GSR advised she wasn't able to be the GSR so we're back on the hunt for a responsible person again.  and that's fine, because what else is there to do except keep trying to find the right one?
i went to walmart and got chicken and a salad for lunch, and i had chicken and zucchini and potato salad for dinner.  i'm tired but again it's mostly the heat.  i'm going to just read and chill, and we'll see what tomorrow brings when tomorrow comes.  thank you God for a day of slow motion and discernible progress.

good morning

orbit continues unabated at this time.  yesterday was rough in its ending, and needs to be documented now.

i got up yesterday and made my way to the gym after prayer.  it wasn't as hard as it has been the previous week.  i did almost a mile on the treadmill, about 22 minutes, and i did some weight machines.  i came home and took meds, took inventory of which i am running out of and how much is left, and i took my insulin.  i had far too much food for breakfast and lunch, with the awareness that i was anethesizing emotionally.
qualifying that:  i'd been out of touch with Rachel (not minimizing her name any longer) since Saturday morning.  it is far from the first time, and i knew what the situation was but it doesn't make it less of a frustrating thing.  so i knew i had some decisions to make.  i paid my electric, gas and cable bills.  i began to worry that i wouldn't have enough money left to get through the month, a common worry.  i also began to realize that i do the same or similar thing or things every month and that progress was limited because there were steps that weren't being taken.  and putting time into trying to keep Rachel in my life (i was going to say 'wasting' time, but that's not accurate) is time that could be better spent advancing my plan to publish books.
Rachel is afraid of committing.  there is no getting around that.  what put this episode in place was her feeling that i do 'tit-for tat' when dealing with her or with other people.  what the situation actually was, with as much objectivity as i can put into this, is me wanting her to feel a part of instead of just the recipient of my attention.  Rachel is not working, is trying to get disability, feels bad because she can't do a lot of things and is still in a compromised situation as to her emotional foundation.  she has been, altering her state is how we'll put it, on a daily basis from what i can see.  when she was here friday she was drinking wine, which i use to cook certain things with, table wine true, but as a diabetic, wine is one of the worst things for her.
i have no judgment over anyone's habits, but when i see an increase in intake, an inability to face certain very important realities in life and doing things that are harmful due to existing conditions, i believe that something is lurking in the shadows where only the individual in question can see it.  and so there are no forthcoming answers until the pain gets great enough.  my wonderment is, am I that thing lurking in the shadow?  is our relationship so stressful for her, just being in it, i mean, that she has to be high and drinking to bother with it?  and if so, that bodes poorly for a future between us.  i don't think it's permanent.  Rachel is intelligent, she's creative and she has a big heart.  she's shown in the past that she can modify or eliminate poor choices, she can make better decisions and act upon them.  but as in the case with the book, when things hit too close to home she tends to flee.  and i can't have a relationship with a notion.
so, let's get on with it.  Rachel finally called in the afternoon, asked if i would come by so we could talk.  i figured what was coming, and decided it was time.  the gist of it:  Rachel says she knows it's likely her, but that i do seem to be a person who expects return for things done, though again she knows its likely her perception.  she knows she's afraid but she doesn't know what to do about it or if she wants to do anything about it.  she wants us to be friends, but she doesn't know how much further in she wants us to go.
i told her that i would be whatever it was she wanted to be, but that she was reading me wrong from where i could see.  i wasn't asking for any return on the basis of wanting her to hold up her end, per se.  as stated earlier, i wanted her to be a part of.  i told her that she has the habit of taking a contrary stance to anything that i say, and that it makes it almost impossible to map a course for us.  when i cook, she says i always cook.  when i say she can take the next turn, she runs away and i'm doing tit-for-tat.  i told her that i would love her and wouldn't stop, but that 'love alters not where it alteration finds'.  i also told her if she wanted me out of her life, she would have to have the balls to tell me that herself, that there would be no defaulting out of our thing on my part.  that may have been a lie, but i can't say that just yet.  today it is not a lie.
i've been researching the steps needed to start my business for real.  i'm going to put some work into that every day until Z-Phyles Publishing is a physical entity.  i am going to get to the gym thursday, i am going to be slow motion today as it is going to be a scorcher, and i am going to start my entry for today in the evening.  my head has been hurting for hours, likely stress, and i need to get some work done on the company.  thank you, Father, for keeping me moving forward.

hot...

it is too hot in my home to think at this moment...i'll try to cover this tomorrow morning.

better day than expected

well, the day went okay, and i'm pretty happy about that.
i got up this morning and said my prayers.  i got up rather slow, but i was up and decided i'd take a walk today.  i went up Colonial to Belmont, cut across at Mansell and walked back up Hadley to my house, and it measured out about 1.3 miles, which was a good walk.  i went to my parent's house, washed a load of clothes while i talked to my mom and dad, did a thing for my dad and then i came home.  i dried my cloths here, took my insulin, which i actually did before going to wash clothes.  i had taken out my prepped meats to hit room temperature and by late morning i was grilling.  i said my good mornings, never heard from Rachel but didn't expect to.  i made chicken legs, steak, grilled pork steaks, cabbage and potato salad.  i made a dutch apple pie with apples that De'Ja had frozen here at thanksgiving and i;d bought a Mississippi mud cake from sav-a-lot.  i didn't know for sure if Rachel would want to come by, and i can eat on that for several days.
my mind tells me that i've done nothing wrong, and i'm choosing to listen to my mind, though its hard.  i know Rachel has trouble with intimacy and proximity for extended periods.  i can't change her perceptors or her filters.  i can only be me, and keep working toward the bigger things that i want.  i'm not shutting her out, but i've got to get the work done.  i have goals to set, goals to meet and i'm still working on my own facility.  so, the day is over, i'm going to put on some relaxation stuff, put it down for the night, try to hit the gym and pay my bills tomorrow and the rest will be what it will be.  thank you, Father, for a better day than i expected.  as always.

there is a story to this, a story that i don't know.  a story that defies modern and ancient storytelling, and therefore it is a story about future things, and a future that may be closer than i know.  i have to learn to tell this story, i have to learn to interpret these vibes, because there is a great deal of life tied into knowing what i don't know about it.

i got up to prayer this morning.  it was a slow getting up.  i went to sleep to a really potent binaural groove and it was hard to get moving.  i took meds, insulin, had breakfast and thought about what i wanted to do tomorrow.  i decided i'd prep stuff because i'd rather have food to cook and not cook than to not have food and need to cook.  i went to aldi's at 9 and it was already crowded.  got steaks and chicken legs and some odds and ends stuff.  i went to dollar general after than and got household supplies.  i came home and put stuff away and worked on The Land of Evolon for a bit, and then i went to my meeting.

i talked to Lonnie for a minute but not for long and haven't been able to reach him since.  i haven't talked to Rachel yet, who will likely be returning to an initial soon.  she has retreated again, and this is wearisome, though i know it sounds like i'm doing the same shit and expecting something different.  truth is, i'm not really expecting different.  i am trying to be patient, but its not easy when there's no explanation and no understanding to be found.  and she need not explain anything to me, but it would be nice, if i've done something, to at least tell me what it is.  so i went to my meeting because i didn't want to sit around brooding.  my brother came by and i got a hat from him and gave him a microwave to give to someone who needed one.  i had a sandwich for lunch and a taco salad for dinner.  i cleaned my kitchen, cut up cabbage and onion and hot peppers for sauteeing tomorrow, i have meats marinating and in dry rubs to be ready for grilling.  my potato salad is made.  my plan is to get the hell up, go for a walk and get some writing and cooking and relaxing done.  i have to accept that R is going to go through whatever she's going to go through, that it has to do with her more than it has to do with me, and that if i want her, i'll be patient and wait it out.  we'll have to see.  but i thank Jehovah for the day.

ups and downs

well, as the song says, what a difference a day makes...

today i spent by myself.  had plans to see Rachel, but they folded because i tried to put her in charge of the day.  that triggered some kind of anxiety attack, so she stayed away today.  i found that out about three in the afternoon.  so i'm feeling sort of simmering, sort of angry/sad, to be honest.  it's not a bad day, but it's not the best day either.  i think the worst part is, the reason is truly lost on me.

i think that's part of the thing with male/female relations in the new millennium.  people are forgetting how to communicate emotions.  so when someone, self included, encounters a scenario that triggers something in them, it's not really fight or flight anymore, it's mostly just fight.

i'm laying in my bed nodding. i'm grateful for the day, but not feeling it at this moment.  tomorrow, maybe

unconstructive happy day

well, this has been a good day, in a 'not getting nearly enough done' kind of way.  i have no real complaints about it.  i know it was the first, and that i have a lot of things to take care of in the next 36 hours, bur i still enjoyed this day from one end to the other.

to begin with, i got up, said my prayers but didn't go to the gym.  i was out of the loop almost from the word go.  i'd told SL that i'd go with her to try to find financing for her car, but i had counseling, i needed to get the rent paid at least, and to be honest i wasn't feeling like waiting for and fending off the request for either cash or a co-sign.  so i went to counseling, talked about a lot of stuff there, came home, called SL and told her to come by so i could at least feed her, then got her breakfast together.  i'd had an egg sandwich for my own breakfast, and after i fed her i told her that i was off in my schedule and would have to pass on riding for the car thing with her.  she left and i got my stuff in gear and went to pay my rent.

i spoke to Rachel on my way to doing that and asked what her plans were for the day.  she said she'd like to check out the massage cafe, and i told her i would come for her after i paid my rent.  talked to my landlord's father for a few, headed home to check something on the computer and went to pick up Rachel.

we went to the massage cafe after a store and getting her something to eat, and then we went to Gabriel's.  we went to sparkle market and got fish and zucchini for dinner and we went to my parents.  i introduced her to my mother and they talked for a bit and i talked to my dad.  then we came back here and i cooked and we talked and i shared some about my family growing up.  i took her home as she was having a gathering with her children, and i came home, cleaned up and shut it down  i need to walk in the morning, and i have a shitload of stuff to do.

i guess the cool thing is, though i have a bunch of stuff to do, i enjoyed the day as it was.  i didn't stress about not hitting the gym, knowing i can put in work tomorrow.  i love having with Rachel, love being around her and doing things together.  and i really enjoy just having time to myself when the day is through.  i can very much appreciate the calm these days, and the lack of stress and drama and worry.  i thank God for a peaceful day, and hope that i can stay on point if tomorrow is another day for me to serve.