sorry, i got off track yesterday, for productive reasons, but also because i put myself in a space again that i am sincerely hoping is the last time. i'll get to that, but first i have to update yesterday, and i'll catch everything up to about twenty after ten in the morning on May first.
so, i got up and i felt very out of sorts yesterday. friday, i had went and had a copy of THE GIRL IN THE GLASS printed just as something that R could read in physical form as she has no internet at this time. as an artist, a poet, a writer, i am very apprehensive about how people take my work, especially the first person to read it. and when that person happens to be the other protagonist in the work, its especially daunting. but i wanted her to read it. i did, in fact, 75 percent write it for her, to try to show her that this is what i felt, this is where i am at in regard to her. i won't say it was a mistake. i will say that i think i've found the antidote to the overwhelming need that i've had to pursue one woman for a decade. i think i'm done with that pursuit.
for starters, it was a comment about how i wrote her in my own voice. but the entire book is narrative. like, there's about two or three moments of dialog written in the book. i love narrative. i can write dialog, i can write conversation. but a story will carry itself on the narrative if its done right. it's my style. so there was that, and that was on friday. saturday, there was accusation of me being arrogant, which may be true, i wouldn't doubt it, and in the most nerve grating tone relating how my writing of her was about how she knew nothing, was basically a small town bumpkin and i was trying to 'save' and 'educate' her about my big city ways. and that wasn't it at all. and it hurt. sincerely. because i've tried to do everything i can to convey how i feel about her. and in honesty, i don't believe that's really the take she has on it. i do believe, however, that this is the distance that she's going to maintain from the project. she didn't say anything about the events that i conveyed as to what she's gone through in her life. she didn't say anything about the accuracy of the story. she definitely didn't say anything about the quality of the writing.
our 'relationship', such as it is, is mostly about what is NOT done, and trying to glean the reasons, through nuances and gestures, about why those things are not done. questions aren't answered, so they cease being asked. R remains, after all this time, a cornered creature, and I continue on in the role of a threat. but i choose to no longer be that. i have too much to do. i wish i had someone in my corner to help me do these things, but if i don't, then i have to do them by myself because they must be done. so i am going to consider,once i get this marketing thing down pat, upgrading the story, or at least posting a disclaimer as to her dissatisfaction, but it represents the second installment in my life story and i'm going to publish it.
but as you can see, i'm angry, i'm hurting and i really want to lash out at something. and that's not healthy.
i got up yesterday and had a frittata for breakfast. it had diced ham, onions and peppers, potatoes and swiss and monterey jack cheese. i had half for breakfast and half for lunch. no biscuit at lunch. i had a ham and salami sandwich with cheese on wheat at my mother's house. i had a beef and cheese pastallilo and a dozen garlic parmesan wing dings for dinner. i had a slice of sweet potato pie before bed. it was more food than i should have had, but i was eating out of emotions that were negative and i knew it. i will do better today.
i cleaned my house properly yesterday, and i washed and dried my clothes at my parent's house. i visited with my younger brother who was there. i washed and dried my dad's socks for him and plunged my mother's toilet.
my conversation with R about my 'arrogance' took place once i got home, and ended with not much enthusiasm, great amounts of silence and i have no real desire to speak to her right now. but i will say, after taking my work, turning it into a personal attack, she told me 'don't be so sensitive, i'm still reading it', which means not one fucking thing and just goes to show me she knew exactly what effect she was trying to elicit in me. i hope it was satisfying for her.
last night i did a commercial for z-phyles publishing. i am looking at what i have to do in order to stop myself from simmering in poison right now. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usncwwrPe18 is the link, to whomever wants to see it. i am working on trying to get my brand out into the world, getting the website past just facebook, and increasing my sales. i know nothing about this, but this information is somewhere in my brain so i'm going to let my brain, let toti, show me the way.
today, i woke up slowly. i didn't really want to get up, but i'm up. i said my prayers. i got out of the bed. i took my insulin and my pills. i had breakfast. bacon and eggs and a biscuit. the biscuits are leftover from breakfast i made for a friend last week, week and a half maybe, and i don't want to waste them. i am clueless as to lunch. i plan on baked haddock, baked potato and broccoli and cheese for dinner. i am going to write some poetry for a new collection entitled SOCIOPATHETIC, and i'm going to write a spot for two books and work out the commercials for them. i'm going to list everything I have to get done this week and I'm going to start working on just getting lists cleared. i have to just focus away from things and people that aren't going to help me move forward. it makes me sad. i do love R, but like Tina said, what's love got to do with it? it helps to have learned to see love as just one more emotion, to be had and acted despite rather than because of. but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. i'm pretty sure that's the whole deal today. i'll write more later.
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