pushing myself a bit today. its not really necessary, but you don't know how much you're feeling like you til you start doing the things you usually do. i'm feeling in the high 90 percentile, which i can live with happily and well.
i woke up at five but laid around because Syd didn't have school and Jo wouldn't be coming til after 8. finally i got up, said my prayers, came to the table and read a daily scripture and then something from Proverbs, which i love. I prefer Ecclesiastes, but Proverbs will do. I took insulin and meds, and made myself a breakfast sandwich. knocked on Syd's door twice but she didn't respond so i didn't bother. if dead, i didn't kill her and if alive, well enough to ignore me and i'd return the favor later.
Jo came, brought me two breakfast sandwiches and a hash brown from McD's and i put them in the microwave to eat later. talked to R for a bit. her meds have her going through some changes, but i'm still in the process of learning when to speak, and when to lay back. got off the phone with her after almost an hour, and i got myself together to go and cut some of the grass. my foot wasn't in very much pain, though there were traces of the gout, and my back wasn't hurting at all. until i finished, that is. it took some out of me, but i cut the sides to the back of the house, the front yard and the devil's strip, leaving the actual back and the hill for Jo, who volunteered to do it. i am much better at accepting help.
after i finished cutting i went to pick up Syd's script from Rite-Aid. I talked to Lonnie for a few. he's stressed, but the scary part is this: the day that he described he's having sounded, to me, very stressful, and to him, at this point in his life, it's just 'the usual'. that's not good. i worry for my friend, but he worries for me too.
got back home, Jo was starting on the back. i went across the street and found a long stick that will serve as a staff. have an idea for The Book of Old Lazarus. it's time to start this Kindle Scout campaign again, and this time i want to hit it with everything i can. local flyers, paid ad on FB, a killer conceptual self-shoot commercial, the works. so if it doesn't happen this time, i can't say i didn't do all that i could do. and i can't say that for Mechanical Jesus either, but i really want to win. that's my goal this year.
anyway, the title of this entry. this orbit is an experience, an education and a new level of consciousness blossoming. it has been a test, whether i can maintain flight in the face of obstacles and opposition, whether i can be graceful when i have system issues, when the trajectory isn't what it's 'supposed' to be. its easy when it's easy, i guess is what i'm thinking to myself. who can't fly when they've got wings as big as buses and an updraft that could lift an elephant? but when you've got to flap and keep flapping, and hope beyond hope that you're strong enough to keep going...that's when the real question comes: what powers this orbit? where does that kind of power come from?
It ain't from me, lemme tellya. it's not my finite ass, who has had no problem quitting the gym for years and now look forward to getting there tomorrow. it ain't me, down 14 pounds or so. it ain't me, doing what the doctor's say, taking meds as i should and worried about living rather than focusing on why i'm not dead yet. so i'd have to say, that power for this flight, for this journey, this orbit, is the God of my understanding, the God of my every breath. and while i am becoming, perhaps, a more worthy vessel, give God the credit he deserves (or she, no sexist I), because when i was a worthless vessel, God didn't find me so. and when I was much less than I am now, God continued to be the God of my every breath, because i'm still breathing. some things are only complicated because this is a world taught to celebrate stupidity. but i am thankful to my God for all the good things to come.
sure as hell ain't the dilithium crystals, Cap'n.
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