...this was something that i put into a text with my child's mother this morning. it is what i need to focus on as i go through this day, because i am in a bit of a bind, financially. i needed to see it to know what the level was going to be, and seeing the level only makes me anxious, but i know things are going to work out. i have faith. i just have to apply it. more on that in a bit.
i'll be going to the gym shortly. i got up after a restful night's sleep. i said my prayer and i came into the kitchen to get some coffee. there were old roses in the trash, as i imagine Syd got pre-prom roses and decided to finally toss her old ones. i took many of them and some old baby's breath from the trash and took pictures on a black sheet and designed a cover for a new story poem book, THE LAND OF EVOLON. (i love the evolution of an idea from an inspiration) i have to structure the verse sequence and outline the story, set the pentameter and then it's just writing it.
i started to get to the gym early but this isn't the most pressing day. i have gym and counseling. i have to take pictures of Syd and her friend in their prom clothes at Mill Creek. that's about the extent of the day. so i'm going to go do my weight machines and come home and get ready for counseling. or i'll reverse the order and go to counseling and then the gym. either way.
so, here's the deal. i have less than 400 in both bank accounts at this moment. i have paid rent, electric, gas and cable. i've had insurance, car payment and loan payment taken out of the bank. from my own disability, which is a grand and some change, i've got about 150 left. from the SSI for syd there is about 220. and the money just came in three days ago. no groceries yet. no phone payment for my phone. less than half a tank of gas. i've got credit cards, but that just means adding to monthly payments going out, and i'm not prepared to do that. so there is a part of me that wants to panic. but panic changes nothing for the better, and it's not really necessary.
i will get food in the house. i'm going to clean out the freezer and fridge this weekend, and i'm going to get groceries as i haven't in months, so i know what i'm working with. i hope that Felecia honors our agreement and pays me the rest of my money for my editing, which will add another 150 to the balance. i have 110 in my paypal account, so that and phone will be paid from there. but this will be a no frills month for sure. and i have to accept that, i have to just accept that living life takes money and at least i have enough on hand for the roof to stay overhead and the lights to stay on and i am blessed in that respect. like a lot of people, i tend to think in terms of how a lot of money would resolve all my problems. but that's not true. a lot of money would create a lot more problems. i have everything i need. i am going to go into the kitchen and have breakfast. i'm going to get dressed and go to counseling, and i'm going to the gym afterwards. i will likely just pay my gym bill by hand so no withdrawal is made from my bank, but maybe not. i just have to leave it alone. i've let about 300 go so that Syd can get what she needs from the child support card, and i won't regret that. taking the card back is not going to make things easier. what i am going to do, however, is speak to a person at One Main and ask about them removing the lien against the Cavalier. at the very least, if they do that i can remove the insurance from it and that will save a few dollars a month. at the most, i can sell the car, and that would be ideal, it does me no good just sitting. but we'll see. that's it for now.
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