turbulent space

well, at least i kept journaling.

i got up with prayer this morning, but i felt like absolute shit.  weak, listless, the alarm went off and my mind stayed asleep.  i slept deeply last night though, still getting down with the ambient sound videos from youtube.  i got up and got some coffee, called Syd off as she had a slight temp this morning, and i got into the day.  made some eggs for she and Jo (whom i allowed to crash in the living room) and took my meds and insulin.  at R's suggestion i had some peanut butter toast before i went to my kidney doctor.
that appointment went well.  i have a good lineup of doctors now, and Dr. P has been a longtime fave of mine.  he told me that the liquid spewing from my bowels is a side effect of taking the antibiotic that wasn't prescribed for me and should not have been used by me in the first place.  he wrote me a script for my right antibiotic, told me all my functions looked good and sent me on my way.  while there, i got an appointment for Syd at One Health for that afternoon.  i got home, looked for some paperwork i needed to get completed, couldn't find it so i called the SS administration but didn't get a human on the phone and finally had to just say 'fuck it' and go to take Syd to doctor.
her doctor confirmed what the ER said, theorizing it to be a viral infection.  advised she'd just have to ride it out.  we went to the store and got a few things as i was really hungry by that point.  got home, made soup and a sandwich, ate some yogurt (Dr P's orders) and laid down.  i had a pb sandwich for dinner, some popcorn and more yogurt.  not feeling much like eating right now.  i have to have enough strength to do my meeting tomorrow, and i intend to resume the gym thursday.  apparently i've lost 14 pounds, and i don't want to lose too much momentum.

i am thinking about self-will.  seeing it in other people, seeing it in myself.  the UTI is making R regretful about our intimacy, as she believes it's the thing of two diabetics being together.  i don't believe she gave me anything, and if she did, it is not the end of the world, but i don't believe she did.  men do get UTI's, just less frequently.  and i am a hotbed of changing physiology as well.  but then i see her going through changes due to self-will, and i see me still trying to find a place where i can stand against the conventional wisdom, and i realize sometimes the best thing a person can do is just what is in front of them and leave everything else alone.  sometimes, that's the easy way, even if shit seems hard.  and i don't believe anyone ever masters that, but i know i can improve one hell of a lot.  thank you, Father, for your kindness.