wobbly

it's a rough day today.

i thought i would be able to muscle through, emotionally and mentally, but such is not the case.  but the orbit is still intact, and after i scribe here, i'm going to make some moves to hit the thrusters, or at least the impulse engines, and get it moving again.

i got up and said my prayers, but i slept with a heavy heart.  R is gone by now, to her vacation, and i am feeling not the missing due to her leaving the country but the sadness and anger from her last statements about the book.  i sat at my computer, working on the last pieces for a new poetry collection entitled SOCIOPATHETIC, which has nothing to do with the current state of existence i'm in, though it sounds as if it did.  it was a title chosen in march, so it could be considered precognitive if anything.  but i finished it, 20 pieces in 2 days, cover and foreword, and got it on Kindle waiting for approval.  saw Syd off for school, tried to lay a vocal track but still not getting the levels i need.  so i ate breakfast.  3 eggs scrambled with jalapenos and cheddar, and a biscuit.  started to eat two biscuits, but thought better of it, which is how i know i'm still orbiting.  i got back in my bed and fucked around on FB for far too long, and now its time to get in motion.

so, let's inventory.  let's find some gratitude, shall we?

including the aforementioned book, i've got 5 books currently on the market.  i've got two more books in the can.  seven novels, is what i'm saying.  i've got 9 poetry collections, including the one that is live that i uploaded today.  i've got a screenplay sitting in my google docs cloud.  i am working on doing audio and video advertising, which can be spread via uploading, reblogging or just on youtube.  i've got ads in free space internet ad pages.  i am doing what i am supposed to do for my publishing.
i just got a car. i get the plates tomorrow.  i've got another car that i will be getting worked on soon.  i've got arrangements to start my final plans for my death.  i've got three credit cards, one through my bank.  i've got a job starting in july.  my child is dating a boy she seems to like a lot.  i've got both my parents, all my brothers and sisters still alive and i'm 27 and a half years sober and just past 48 years old.
i have a couple of friends i can count on to the death.  i'm of sound mind.  my creativity is doing much better than my libido.  and i have a roof over my head, clean clothes, haddock to bake for dinner.  my money will be in in the morning.
my friend, R, whom i love and will continue to love, has attempted to tear into me because i wrote a book about our relationship, and likely the real reason for the attack was that it hit far closer to her home than she was comfortable with.
the scale, in writing, is tipped heavily in favor of me getting up off my ass and doing something constructive.
that comes from TOTI, the brains of this operation.
so, we're re-setting course for the gym.  we're going to get our walk in.  we're going to get lunch in.  we're going to work on that vocal.  i've got to go to HH to do the third day of training today.  i am abundantly blessed and i am grateful for that blessing.  and i hope R has a great vacation.

it's time to let her go.  if she wants something with me, it's time for her to ante up.  she can't play for free anymore.

and i'm done with this for the day.

well, guess i'm not done.  decided to just take my ass out of my house for a walk rather than the gym.  did about a mile, i'm going to drive it off to check when i go to the training this evening.  but i feel better having gone.  going to figure lunch and then catch a bath.