i should have written an update yesterday, but the day filled itself in as far as the blank spaces went, and i didn't get back to the details. as i write this at 7am, my internet is out and i'm logging on Notepad, so i can just copy and paste later.
i am in a bit of a dim mood this morning. i woke up with the realization my internet was out. i only knew because my relaxation video from youtube had stopped and never started again after about an hour. i went back to sleep and woke again with the 5am alarm. still no internet. i called time warner and the first thing i heard was that i have a bill due. so that's going to be a battle this afternoon. april was a month of bullshit and birthday, to be sure.
i said my prayer, got into my gym clothes and slowly made my way to the gym. since i walked the block yesterday, today was the weight machines, as per the current itinerary. i did legs and arms, and i came home to find the internet, as mentioned, is still out. i took my meds and my insulin, and now i'm writing.
yesterday, i had a stir-fry for lunch. pork and beef, red,orange and green peppers, onion, mushrooms and snow pea pods, and rice. i made it myself, seasoned with salt, pepper, red pepper flakes and curry. for dinner i had the baked haddock, baked potato and broccoli and cheese. the potato was massive, and very much more than i should have had, but i was angry because out of a small 5 pound bag of potatoes, all of them were bad except one, and i only bought them last week. i cut the end off a second one, because i couldn't see getting only one potato out of a whole bag. and so i have a baked potato that will go for something today.
my schedule today is incredibly expensive. i have to get my plates, pay rent, get the rest of the house supplies. i have to check my paperwork to get the check amount to take to Lane funeral home so I can get started with my 'endlife arrangements'. seems there's no comfortable way to say it, so i'm going to stop with the fucking euphemisms and just start saying 'death plans'. it's simpler and true.
i will have a new car payment coming out, less than a hundred but still. i will have higher insurance as the Cavalier is still under full coverage due to the loan i took out with the car as a lien. i'm going to call them this week and have them get that car off, one way or another. and i still have bills to pay. plus Syd's prom is this week, and though she has the child support card, i will help her out as much as i can.
and as expensive as it is, i wouldn't change it. i am doing what everyone else has done, what ever adult who was a kid with me has done at one time or another. if you stop and look, you see that this is what it means to live in this world, this is what it means to be responsible, and this is what it means to have grown up. most people, i guess, don't have to analyze their state of maturity, but as an addict and an alcoholic, as one who has struggled so long with depression, it is important for me to remember that i am on a journey and it has scenery that changes as i progress.
i have no idea what meals are today. i'm thinking just eggs and toast for breakfast, but that might change. i'll log meals when i truly know what they're going to be.
i am grateful to Jehovah God for everything that we have, all that we've been able to do, the distance we've gone and the journey ahead. it is all, and has all been, an amazing blessing.
oh, one last update. R called yesterday and apologized. she said she was being 'hypersensitive' and hadn't been unable to read objectively being that the story was about her. i log that because it is significant. i don't believe, in the time that we've been in proximity to each other, that she has ever said, without prompting, that she was wrong. i again thank God for what He shows me is in my best interest, which is to keep on the course.
it is cold as fuck today. like, i can't get warm for shit. but i am going to not worry about it by staying under my comforter as soon as i finish this entry.
so, the internet is back on, got a reduced bill and reduced billing. that's good, but i'm still going to seriously think about getting rid of this shit this month. no point having something that is not doing what i need it to do.
i have ate way more than i should have today. breakfast was three scrambled eggs (back to two eggs tomorrow) with peppers, onions and rice and a piece of toast. I've ate two burritos from taco bell that Syd and Jo left in the microwave, one after breakfast and one after lunch. i had a burger, mashed potatoes and a salad for lunch. i am going to have baked fish and the broccoli and cheese if i have dinner.
got rent paid, got the bci done for HH, got supplies. got my coffee can full, huzzah! but they didn't have any other interesting flavors, so i only got the staple. going to get some more beans tomorrow, i think.
an interesting aside. i have spoken about my mishap of the previous summer, wherein i attempted to love someone from my past and helped them out of an incarceration situation, only to have them split once they were out and me having to patch my heart back together? well, the person called me. fuck that 'the person' bullshit, they get no anonymity here. her name is Heather, and she decided to use me to get out of jail. now she's back in jail and she's called me. asking, of course, for help getting out. i told her i couldn't help her. she asked if i would put money on her phone, and i told her i'd try but i won't. she told me she loved me and whatever, i told her i know. because i know she thinks she does. but she didn't hear me because whatever time she had on her phone was gone and she got disconnected. so there is karma in the universe. i'm not gloating. i hate that she's still trying to find ways around the established rules and i would think the motherfucker she dipped on me with should be the one getting the calls. but that's life in a small town. okay, that's it for real. thank you, Father, for keeping me and us safe.
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