one thing i'll be doing in the very near future is modifying this page. when i get to my food plan (dropping nearly all carbohydrates for approximately 6 months), i'm going to have an accompanying page, a food and activity log. i have to keep myself honest and moving. if i don't, then it becomes very easy to slide between the pre-existing excuses for major saboteur work. that will cost me my life if it continues, so i am going to bore people who bother to read here with more details than they're getting now. however, in the beginning, with the Orbit, i logged pretty much everything except my sexual habits, and that's going to simply resume.
today i was up at 530. i was in a great amount of pain, and i deduce it was caused by my eating excesses yesterday. it takes me back to Christmas of 1990, when i first started trying to address my eating disorder. when i originally got 'clean', in 1988, i got high before treatment only out of habit. no grief, no last minute binges, no 'smoke Columbia cause it's going to be the last hurrah' kind of shit. i drank some, smoked some weed, didn't smoke any freebase, and the monday after thanksgiving i was on my way to Salem, to the care unit.
with food, it was different the first time. i was with a girl named Lynda, and i was headed to Parkside in Gahanna, Ohio, outside of Columbus. i always loved how Gahanna was similar to Gahenna in the bible, which was a reference to an ever burning refuse dump, or hell in conventional mass-hysterical sheep-like reasoning. anyway, i cooked a massive Christmas dinner in our tiny apartment, and no one showed up. i was, if possible, in worse shape than i am now. i couldn't climb the two flights of steps to our apartment without feeling as if my heart were going to reach up to my throat and strangle me. and i was only 22 at the time. but damned if i didn't try to eat every single scrap of food that i had onhand, feeling and fearing that somehow it would be the last time i would ever get to eat real food. it was amazing, the orgy of gastronomical destruction i visited upon myself.
i guess it's just the notion of changing my eating drastically that brings that to mind. after i eat today, the routine is the same as it would be any other day, same as it was last month: i get freezer bags, load up the things worth saving to the freezer and the rest goes in the trash. i have to eat for the next 8 days on practically no money, so i'm not a fool nor am i stupid. but i am willing to act in faith. i'm not using the circumstances as an excuse to go crazy. i'm going to keep moving as i did this morning. i got up. i said my prayer. i drank some ice water. i went upstairs, checked my yahoo emails and indeed.com for jobs. i danced for about 10 minutes (shorter than my usual, but i've been sedentary for the past three weeks. got to start somewhere), i came downstairs and showered and shaved my face, i took my medicine and insulin, i warmed up my car, gathered my things and made my way to my urologist appointment.
...where, traumatically, a scope was inserted into my urethra and my bladder was examined. i am (peripherally) angry at the older and old men in my life who never bother to tell the young men that these things await them. you should be able to mentally prepare for such things as long as possible...maybe for ten, twenty years at least.
checked out okay, though. i went to my parent's house, tried to print up a copy of my car insurance but my mother's printer wasn't printing for some reason. i sat for a while anyway. my mom wasn't feeling very well and was sleeping quite a bit. my dad stayed upstairs. i ate breakfast, bacon and eggs and glasses of water, and i went to my interview, which was more about giving them my information and filling out the application and what not. it's for a company that transports the developmentally disabled to their workshops and things, to and from. i would be working as a bus aide if hired, depending on passing a work physical more than anything. heads or tails, i'll be okay. things are opening up.
i'm going to clean this turkey carcass and start getting my soup together. i'm going to go upstairs and fill out another application for a different position with TruGreen, for which i received an email today. i'm not putting any eggs into any baskets right now, because the chicken can sit on them until i know what's about to hatch. God's will be done, in other words. i'm going to chill, i have a meeting tomorrow and an 8 hour work thing that i have to get finished for the transportation job. some fun, eh?
i'm grateful, regardless. because what is happening is my consciousness is changing. i am, having removed Rachel's number from my phone, missing her much more. i don't know why. i had to fight down an urge to ride past her house today. but i fought it down. i guess its true what they say, you can cycle through the stages of grief at random and at any given time and in any sequence. so i'm normal. good to know.
super tired now. things to do before i sleep, maybe. i am grateful and thankful to Jehovah for making a way and allowing me to see the beginning.
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