i'm not sure what the problem is, but i can feel myself going through another series of changes. thing is, it ranges all over the emotional map, good and bad, healing and suppurating, serene and raging. i don't know what exactly is going on, but i know that my insides are in a bit of a tizzy, and there's nothing i can do right now but ride the ride and see where it takes me.
oh, it could be worse. i didn't do any of the responsible stuff today, i'll be honest. and i can tell you, one hundred and six percent, it's because it was cold as a motherfucker today. my sleep was bad, the pain has returned, and i woke to a morning about six below with the wind chill. the wind that sweeps all through this house, that climbs into the comforter with me and acts like we're in a relationship. which we ain't. but it don't matter. eventually i got up. said my prayer, got my ass moving. i'd heated up coffee and i had a cup. watched some television while i took my meds. i was moving, but i'd started wrong. i was in front of the television before i had done any readings, and i was eating leftovers from yesterday.
i caught some news, then i had my breakfast and went to put clothes away and check some information on my desktop computer. i went to the meeting, and i talked about some of the things i've experienced in the waning year, things that i've not spoke on at meetings in great detail up to now, because i don't believe in holding a meeting hostage to my issues. but the last meeting of the year seemed an appropriate place to drop it. i grabbed some lunch, though i didn't really have the funds, and i got some dry pintos at Sav-a-Lot for this coming weekend. go good with my awesome hambone.
in the evening i went to dinner with Tina. my soup was done, i took her some cake, took my mom and dad the rest of the dressing and the broccoli casserole. i put the soup into a container and had a small serving for myself. the kitchen is clean, coffee is ready and the webpage i need for my work training is bookmarked upstairs.
so why am i feeling so mean, so underappreciated? i don't know. it's somewhere between things that i know i should be doing but am not, to things that have happened when they shouldn't have. or something like that. but i am blessed, don't get me wrong. i reflect again on being in this house, as when i started off at 17, the only other time i was actually on my own. i started my life then with a bed and a kitchen table, same as now. but i know more, am aware of me more, and know for a fact now that God's will will be done. i'm going to put it down now, and maybe if i'm not so tired tomorrow i'll get more in depth with what i'm finding.
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