self-care

thing about pain...it can make you stupid.  it can do a lot of other things to you, as well...things that compromise your foundation and sense of well being.  but pain can make a person act dumb, i should say.  or, it can do that to me.  and it has.  and i'm going to do something about that, really soon.  like, starting now. 

so, today i got up, and i was hurting.  i woke about 4, later than usual, but the sleep was as broken as it ever is.  so i got on my back and went back into a broken sleep for the next 3 hours or so, had a sad dream about Rachel being with my brother, and woke without any energy whatever.  i stayed in bed til after 8, then i got up and got moving.  i'd said my prayer at seven, maybe it was at 4, but i didn't get going til later.  i didn't eat breakfast.  i talked to Syd, who's not feeling well and will likely be going to the ER after Joe gets off work.  i started to make breakfast but decided i wasn't hungry, because i wasn't.  then i got my ass moving in the right direction.  i read from Ezekial, i believe, and i managed to get a chapter finished and another started in 'To December'.  then i put in an application. 

i'd done some research this morning.  i called and rescheduled with the cardiologist and the urologist, because i am not trying to see medical people who are not dealing with this ongoing pain.  dumb, yes.  anyway, i also called my NP at One Health Ohio and left a message that something else has to happen as far as my care goes, because this pain is ongoing.  i knew nothing was going to happen, but i wanted the call documented.  then i researched.  i am now convinced that all this, the recurring back pain, the gout, leg pain and neuropathy that follows, and this pain in my abdomen/side/back, they are all phases of neuropathy.  there are different levels of it, but the gist is, nerve damage isn't going to show up in a blood or urine sample, and it won't show on a CT scan either.  i looked up neuropathy, and it said there is a level called Proximal Neuropathy (which would actually be the variety i already suffer from, peripheral neuropathy, but in a more acute form).  this can affect the torso, back, abdomen or buttocks.  and that is pretty much the conclusion that i have drawn.  so, what to do?

well, i'm going to go back to heavy carb reduction, closest thing to a New Year's resolution i will have ever made.  i'm going to keep dancing.  i'm going to actually get back into the gym, renew my membership if its possible.  i'm going to use flaxseed oil (which i've started today) and find some way to use red pepper as opposed to the capsaicin that is a topical ointment and cost as arm and a leg.  i'm going to keep working on it, because i am indeed worth it.  and if nothing else helps, i'll go back to the ER and ask for something stronger to help me deal with the pain.  but that is not an effective way of getting through something.  if everything requires a pill then addiction is waiting to be born, or reborn.  and that's not really in my plan for today. 

i'm going to make myself some fish tonight.  i'm going to dance now, relax later and try to sleep the sleep of the just.  and i thank Jehovah for allowing me discernment today.