begins the pain anew...

well, life is interesting sometimes.  and sometimes it's boring as fuck.  and this was one of those times.  but life is what it is only to the living.  those gone on before us have no opinion on what life is or is not, therefore the blessing of such pious rumination is that i am alive, and i thank God for that.

for now, though, this is me outside of the CT scan room at St. E's, waiting for a very polite young man to come and take me back to the ER for dismissal. when i got up today, i noticed my getting up was taking some effort, and my sitting down was kind of labored, and that is my best forewarning that my back is about to go through another cycle.  despite that, i said my prayers, read my scripture and my meditation book, had my medications, my breakfast and wrote a couple chapters in the book.  i shaved my head and face, took a shower and packed some needed things into an actual carry-bag, on the premise that perhaps they'd actually find something and/or do something helpful today. i went to my CA meeting because i was the chairperson, and i went from there right to the emergency room.  i'd notified everyone who would want to know that i was going to the ER, and i went. 

i wasn't there for a ridiculous amount of time, thankfully.  i got triaged, gave urine, had blood taken, another CT scan, and a pain pill.  suggestions that it could be acid reflux, could be something gastrointestinal, need to get a referral to a specialist for that, could be about anything.  maybe...three hours?  then they sent me home. 

i stopped to see my parents after i dropped off two scripts at Rite-Aid for acid reflux medicine...just in case.  i told my mom what was happening, kept it moving.  went to Walmart for some snack stuff, just treats for the week as i have cooking and cleaning to do, movies to watch, that sort of thing.  cable guys coming tomorrow night.  i'm tired of hurting, but that's nothing new.

i guess i'm doing okay.  i spent most of yesterday alone, watching television, trying to nurse the pain.  i'm really not bad off, regardless of who i miss or what i wish.  but it is sometimes a rough ride.  i think about how different the year began, how i never saw it turning out like this...and in a lot of ways, that's a good thing.  when you can predict something, you tend to take many things for granted without really knowing that you are.  if everyone knew the exact day they would die, there'd be much more anger and violence and then last moments of remorse and apologies, as opposed to lives lived better with the knowledge.  that's the human animal.  what i know is, if this is something i have to deal with, i'm going to become a person that is capable of achieving despite this kind of situation.  i'm going to be a better me and do what i know i have in me to do.  that's the plan.  how it turns out?  that belongs to Jehovah, and i'm grateful for that.  but the plan is on me, and the work is on me.  so, there you go.  i'm home.  i'm on my bed journaling.  tomorrow is another day, and i'll be another me.  good night.