changes to come

another 'holy'day season ends.  well, officially, when you think about it, holiday seasons never end, because there always has to be something to distract humans from the insanity of life on earth.  there always has to be a button pushed to make people believe they are still in control of what they've always been servants to.  but, the Christmas season has wrapped up.  and with it, changes must come. 

today wasn't bad.  not for a christmas day, but for a day.  i did say prayers, i did take my medicines, i did see my parents.  i did break bread with my brother and my child and her significant other.  i did send invites further out than that, but i didn't expect responses.  the important thing was to let people know they were welcome. 

i did eat too much, but not WAAAAY too much.  i did get food put away and i will likely have to change my start date of my Sacrifice because i don't have any other food at this time.  but i have things i need to address, things i need to focus on, and things i need to remember. 

i finally removed Rachel's old number from my phone.  yes, i still miss her.  days like this, when this house is clearly not my own and the loneliness takes on a quality different than the common day substance it normally has, then her absence is a strong and rending thing.  but she's not here.  she's not coming back anytime soon, and likely she is not coming back.  therefore, i am letting go of the rest of her, to the best of my ability.  i sent her an email wishing for her good health and a good holiday for her family.  i have to move me on, back to my own thing. 

i am going to start making my list on wednesday, things i would like to see accomplished in the coming year.  i have no resolutions.  i don't subscribe to that when i live a life that starts when my eyes open, ends when my eyes close and may not begin again should i forget what being an addict costs me.  but, i do need to lay out some goals in a check list format and i do need to work on them as best i can.  i want to see what i can do to get my school thing started again.  i want to get some kind of streaming channel, whether its on Roku or some other service, and i'd like to figure how to do a podcast and a play.  i want to give Z-Phyles some more solid dimensions.  i know it's time. 

i feel tired.  i've sat nodding on the couch in front of the television. i did the nothing i'd planned to do.  by the end of the evening i just let it alone.  i'd reached out to people and only touched a couple.  now i'm going to get some sleep.  doctor's appointment in the morning, an interview in the early afternoon and a plate to take to my parent's house tomorrow. 

i am grateful to Jehovah for time spent with my family today.