to go into something like pain that lasts for a period of time, a longer period than one might be used to...or even to have a bad cold or flu that lingers and makes you miserable...in the time that you have it, you might actually forget what feeling good is like, depending on how long it goes on. but then comes a time (hopefully) when you feel better. and with colds and flu, with cuts and sprains, often the recovery is so gradual that you don't realize you're better, because you tend to let being sick or inconvenienced or compromised slip your mind without actually realizing it's happening. i've had that. been so sick with a flu i couldn't get out of bed, lived in the bathroom, went through boxes of tissues...and then one day i was strolling along, planting apple trees or some such shit and it dawned on me that not long ago i was on my deathbed...wasn't i?
this ain't like that.
i am feeling better. i am thankful to Jehovah for that. and i am in a seam between the pain that i've been having and the relief that may be completely a part of my reality, and in that seam there is pressure beneath my ribs, but not overt pain. that pain may come tonight, but it may not. i may sleep, or i may not, but it's not definite beforehand. i am aware that i'm getting better, and not unmindful of the fact that it's been two days so far or that this started the day after Thanksgiving. its interesting, the paradigm shift perception takes that makes a thing into a whole other thing. what am i becoming? i don't know, and therefore i don't know if i like it or not, and i am pretty sure it doesn't matter if i do or don't.
i can live with that today.
i got up this morning and i said my prayer. i went to the kitchen and turned on the coffee and found something on the radio. i did my readings, took my insulin and medications. i had decided i wanted biscuits this morning, but i didn't have any in the fridge and forgot or overlooked the thought to get them while i was at the store yesterday. i was up about 6, and the nearest store opens at 8. and then it hit me: when did i forget how to make biscuits myself? and if i truly did, which i didn't really, when why don't i look it up online? so i did. i found a basic and competent recipe by the illustrious racist, Miss Paula Deen, and i made myself five lovely biscuits and an omelet with spinach, onions, hot peppers and diced ham and cheese. it was wonderful, i had the biscuits with blackberry jam, sugar free, that i got from my parent's house. a nice breakfast, to be sure.
i cleaned most of my house today and i got a load of clothes done. i put in a couple of applications. i talked to Yvette a couple times, talked to my mother a couple times. i thought about going north again, but the day got later and my motivation dwindled. i watched some television. doing more of that lately. i guess there's nothing wrong with it. i got my water bill and suppressed a freak-out. i have to consider that unless i procure employment that i can perform i may not be able to budget living here. the utilities of a house are abundant, and even if i apply for HEAP, i'm still spread completely thin. but that's a worry for next year at this point. i made a real cornbread for my dressing. i made a burger and the last of my mac n cheese for dinner. i got my turkey in the fridge from the brine. i talked to De'ja for an hour and a half tonight. i am tired, but i feel good. and tomorrow, i start cooking. i hit my meeting. i stop in on my parents. and i get home and finish my cooking for monday. and Tuesday...i sacrifice this me for the possibility of better things. more on that later. for now, again i thank Jehovah for all the blessings and joy this day has brought to my life, and i say good night to whomever finds this page.
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