so, today i got up, after a disappointing night. disappointing because i thought, well i think, this shit is starting to lift, but it is still there. i tried sleeping as if it wasn't and that didn't work, so i was up late, watching television, and i got up early to start the day. not a good combination. when i got up, the pain was higher, and i was slow to movement but i moved. i prayed. i think i drowsed for a bit after, but i got my coffee heated, got my medicine taken, got my breakfast in me. i called to cancel my doctor's appointment. honestly, i've been in the emergency room twice this month. i've been to One Health in Warren twice as well. i've had busted sleep, a gut full of pain and i've wrestled with the loneliness, anxiety and just plain fear for weeks. i just didn't want one more fruitless encounter with one more educated vacuum this particular morning. i wrote some on To December. I talked to Yvette briefly. and i went to the noon meeting.
i got things set up, we ended up with 8 people, doing Step 6 (...became willing to have God remove all these defects of character). it was a good chapter, a good topic. we had a couple new people, one who i've seen before and one brand new to me anyway. the discussion was the usual people. but it is the new ones that i try to stay focused on, try to keep them in mind. because they're the ones that are going to have to carry the message of the steps when people of my generation are all gone, as i have to do for the generations that raised me. there's not a lot of us left, i've realized that lately. my sponsor is still sick, still mostly incapacitated. Yvette is sick, may actually not convalesce. age and sickness catches us all. we think in the mindset of the youth we used to be. we live in the physicality of all the injuries, the time passed, the neglect and the failing nature of our imperfect selves. it is not a fair trade, but it's a fair life.
after the meeting, i moved my car to a central space and jumped in with Lonnie and his son Joshua. we went to PA so he could exchange rentals. i was nodding on the way, weary and having pain jolts from some of the bumpiness of the backroad ride to the dealership where he got the rental from. but it was nice. nice to not have just come home alone, nice to have company and listen to a father and son, nice to be with my family, as they both are to me. at the dealership i had a cup of coffee (which may be why i'm still woke now) and waiting while Lonnie finished his business. we loaded up the other car, drove to a Hot Dog Shoppe and had lunch and made our way to Lonnie's physical therapy session. i was going to get my car first and be on my way but he was running behind and i didn't mind hanging longer.
Josh and i sat in the car while Lonnie did his thing, and i talked to Josh about changing the frame on his perfectionism. he judges himself to be a 'failure' at 22 years old because he is not living the way he feels he is expected to. i told him he is nowhere near done with life, therefore he has no right to label himself as anything yet. we spoke honestly, and it was good to have someone to share some of my experiences with. Lonnie came out, and i went to get my car and came home. i made a hamburger and soup, did my dishes, cut up my bread into croutons and got them ready. i am tired, i am sore, but i am grateful. i am always grateful when i can see, in hindsight, the day turning and God's hand on the wheel, steering me where i need to be. i don't know if i carried the message he had for me, but i am so glad that i was able to be a part of this day in someone's life. i'm going to try to shut it down now, supposed to do lunch with Syd tomorrow. good night.
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