blues, goddam...

man, i don't know.  it's just one thing after another, one pain after another. 

so after a fairly decent sleep, getting up and feeling like i'm going to move through this day with gusto, i have the strangest shit.  i sneeze.  twice.  sitting at my computer, putting in applications.  i sneeze twice...and something feels like it tears in my abdomen.  amazing.  exquisite fucking pain.  back in slow motion again.  just horrible. 

now, as i said, i got up cool enough.  i think i woke once, about 12, but i was in bed by ten.  i remember changing the video i was sleeping to, feeling like the actual imagery might not be cool on the one i was watching, and then i was down for another six hours.  blissful, compared to what i've been getting.  had some dream about the Avengers in the middle of the ocean, and the eleventh regeneration of Doctor Who comes to conference with them about Thanos.  just some bizarre, entertaining shit, nothing apocalyptic as i'd been having.  i get up, say my prayer, get my coffee and water and meds in, go upstairs to do my thing (bathroom use and applications, and dance, all on my schedule), and then i injure myself SNEEZING.  i can't believe it.  so no dancing has happened today.

my Nurse Practitioner wouldn't help me.  had my follow up appointment from the ER visit on friday.  basically, she didn't really want to hear that it was likely neuropathy, seemed to be a bit miffed that i questioned both her and the emergency room doctor.  i honestly don't give a shit about that.  if you can't diagnose me by what i'm telling you and your tests are not finding shit, you should be willing to pursue the possible, and if you're not, i damn sure am.  i told her about the new thing.  i'm sure she thought i was just angling for pain pills.  i don't care about that either.  if Tylenol would work, i'd be a Tylenol popping motherfucker. 

so, i got to my meeting on time.  three of us showed up, but that was okay.  got to lunch with Lonnie, and the waitress comped us because the cook was being an asshole.  got to my parent's house and got their dinner done.  and i've been here, laid up since.  some fun my life has become. 

oh well.  see if i can get some sleep tonight.  see what tomorrow brings.  i'll head back to the ER if necessary, no issues with that.  i'm just tired of hurting, but that's old news too.

new news, got a call while sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's.  an acquaintance from a great many years ago.  a benefactress once upon a time.  a 'beneficial' friend and then someone else who chose to remain resentful over the asshole i'd been.  she called to check on me, saw my 'hospital' pic that has been so interpreted on FB.  we talked, she's in bad shape, but i knew that.  she's my dad's age, she's in a nursing home, where they put her to die, and she's still alive, and conscious and cognizant from the sound of it.  she doesn't want to be there, but she has no choice.  she sounds very sad.  i'm going to send her a book, a copy of Old Lazarus i think.  she is a friend.  i'm always sorry for lost years, but i don't hold grudges, even though i'm still not talking to my oldest brother, so that makes me slightly hypocritical.  HAH!  anyway, i'm in pain and i'm done for now.