RE: Solution

think about it for a minute.  we get geared up for shit without any real understanding of just what we're gearing up for.  like we're getting ready for a fight, no idea whose getting into the ring opposite us, what their skill level is, what their strengths or weaknesses are.  and then we're surprised when we get our asses kicked.  lawd...

online dictionary definition of resolution:
noun
1. a firm decision to do or not to do something
1a) formal expression of opinion or intention agreed on by a legislative body, committee, or other formal meeting, typically after taking a vote
1b) the quality of being determined or resolute
(resolute: admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering)
2. the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter
2a) the passing of a discord into a concord during the course of changing harmony
2b) the disappearance of inflammation, or of any other symptom or condition
3. the process of reducing or separating something into its components
3a) the replacing of a single force or other vector quantity by two or more jointly equivalent to it
3b) the conversion of something abstract into another form
3c) in prosody, the substitution of two short syllables for one long one
(prosody:the patterns of rhythm and sound used in poetry)
4. the smallest interval measurable by a scientific (especially optical) instrument; the resolving power.
4a) the degree of detail visible in a photographic or television image

Now, what i get from that, what i gather from those definitions, is that a resolution is more than one thing.  it is, in fact, several things, as most terms in the English language are.  but it does have some commonality between the terms, doesn't it?  and for me, the thread that i look at, the one that i see that means the most to where i am right now, is clarity.

whether that clarity is in the determination to stand on a decision to do or not to do something, or the clarity of  bringing about order from disorder, or the clarity of seeing a thing clearly, either by instruments that aid the eye or breaking things down into smaller pieces, there is a need in my life for clarity in so many areas.  but it doesn't start Monday.  it starts at the moment that i know that i need clarity.  it begins with knowing that clarity of that grade, clarity of that precision and of that kind of power, clarity that i am trying to implement in my life, can only come from much Higher than either my skill set or my pay grade, so to speak.  hence, prayer, hence faith, hence action based on belief that God is taking care of me.  i believe that.  and i feel the blessing, the things that are coming clearer now.

today was also a good day.  i got up and got moving after a decent night sleep. i was groggy, and it took me a minute, but movement began.  i went into the kitchen and sat at my table to say my prayer, but i got it in, got my medicines in, got my ass in gear.  i gathered things, got a pie for my counselor, got coffee to go and after warming up my car i got to counseling.  i'd had breakfast before i left, so i was good in that avenue.  i put gas in my car, which was a bit of a struggle mentally, because i knew i was just about out of funds.  but i knew as well that i would have to act out of some faith, because things are happening and i either believe the blessing is there or i doubt and negate the blessing.

counseling was good, we discoursed things of spiritual and philosophical bent again, and i was able to share some of where i am lately, but i'm not in a bad place, so that didn't take me through too many changes.  it made me feel good to have a pie for VF.  she's saved my life dozens of times, and i won't go into how often she has been part of God's blessing that has gotten me through some very rough moments, even today.  i can only say that i hope she enjoys the pie, as an acknowledgement of her years of service and her beneficial existence in my life.

after counseling, i went to my parent's house. i made my mom coffee, fixed her some loaded scrambled eggs, made a pot of grits that my dad could partake of if he chose to.  she gave me an electric skillet which is a nice gift.  i came home, i had some lunch and i got to work on the modules.  i got three more done, which was a total of six out of eight.  i had dinner, i watched some television, i'd checked on Lonnie over the phone, and then i decided i'd knock out another couple in order to shorten my efforts tomorrow.

and then i got a call.

the woman from the job i'd went to do the physical and BC for called and asked if i could come in tomorrow, Saturday, to do some paperwork, so they could get me started.  i was hesitant, not because i don't want to, but because i am operating under a lack of actual information.  i don't know what the pay is, i don't know what the actual hours are.  i don't even know what my job requirements are.  i know i start as a bus aide.  that's all i know.  but before that, as i was doing the first of the modules today, i got a call from the woman from TruGreen, because i told her i would prefer a call on Tuesday so of course  they called today.  i talked with her, and almost immediately i got an email stating they'd gone with someone else.  and all i can say to that is, thank you, Father.  because i know i have to do the follow-through on whatever you place in my path, but i have a job, 99 percent in, and i can only give credit to you for that.

so i finished the modules, i have to go to the library to print my certificate to take to this job, i should go to my parent's house to get my CPR/First Aid certificate from CCA, and i can give them my banking information. but first, i'm going to ask what the pay is.  and what the hours are.  and i'm going to try to make sure i have at least the Wednesday of the 31st off, since that's our anniversary meeting.

but i am still resolute.  tomorrow, i start marking off the food as i log.  tomorrow, i dance for sure.  tomorrow, i have chores to do.  all hinging, of course upon God's will to wake me up in the morning.

it's a good day.  thank you, Jehovah, for your patience and your blessing.  i'm gone.

Jehovah sipping coffee (theory of relativity, big picture)

there is a thing that people do, in general, and that i've done specifically, in which we learn to pray, as children are taught.  and they are taught, in one way or another.  they're taught when they say the 'god is great, god is good' before digging into a meal, they're taught with the 'now i lay me down to sleep' when they get ready for bed.  these are actually pretty clever poems, but even the so-called 'Lord's Prayer' is a poem when set to the meter that the 12 step folks give it.  kids are taught to pray before engaging in competition.  both sides of a skirmish pray before the game begins, and one side has the weaker 'god', as only one side can win.  we're taught to worship other things, money, power, property, music, food, sex, etc...and all the mantras we utter in reverence or pleading to those 'deities' become prayers of their own, floating out across the either, seeking purchase in the favor to be shown our acts of contrition and obedience. 

but really, prayer, the honest communication with one's Creator, is something that goes without much understanding. 

i've prayed for a long time.  in recent years, i've restored my daily morning prayer.  i don't often pray at night; i don't know why, but my hypothesis is i know i'm far more distracted in the evenings than i am in the morning.  this 10th step, this Journey log, serves as a form of prayer for me, because i try to remember to say 'thank you' at the end of each day when i'm writing in this.  that is vital, because i quickly lose gratitude and have to reassess in order to stay on track.  but the point is, prayer has to be understood, at least by me.  prayer has a purpose and it has a meaning, and it is for a reason.  and the reason is what i start with:  For me, prayer is the constant reminder that there is a God, that I am not God, and that I need His aid and power, He doesn't require mine, for I have none apart from Him.  that is the most important truth that i can write.

the meaning of prayer is to remember on a regular basis to center myself in spiritual movement.  that's not always an easy thing to do.  i am in flesh; i am human and weak.  i desire.  i miss Rachel, i miss active and close friends, i miss conversation that ranges from politics to proper preparation of homemade red sauce.  i miss my family most days.  i have very little money; i miss the luxury of taking myself somewhere nice to eat, and i miss having someone to take somewhere nice to eat.  i have not been to the Hall in months, nor the gym.  i'm overweight and need to get to addressing that.  things.  things that self-will have no good effect upon.  in the physical movement, these things make me crazy, make me want to do things that would surely damage the integral self that i require to continue to become.  but in the spiritual movement of things, they are just goals that are set, achievements that will occur.  they are, in fact, already resolved issues; faith requires that i continue walking on this road until they manifest in physicality; they already exist in the spiritual realm. 

the purpose?  so that i can grow, change and become.  so that i can have truth to my Z.  so that i can remember that my success has little to do with what i write, with what's in the bank or what's attached to my flesh in opposite gender form, but it has everything to do with what i learn, what i share, how i love, how i forgive, how i am of service.  what do i do that makes God smile?  what can i do to make him know that his creation of me was not a bad thing?  and those may seem like arrogant thoughts, but if a person were to put God's feelings, his possible emotions, before their eyes, a lot of the things that we do would be circumspect, and would likely be on the chopping block immediately. 

thing is, God answers prayers.  i believe that.  but, when i'm running in flesh and self-will, i forget that God has no human clock.  he has no human calendar, no human timepiece whatever.  God does what God does when God decides it's the right time.  and no sooner, and no later. 

today, i went for a physical, a drug and background test for a job that i may or may not get.  the job would be a bus aide and eventually maybe a transportation driver for developmentally disabled individuals.  i'm busy doing the assessments now, in fact.  i also had a call about a job as a valet at the local hospital, and i talked to the person on the phone and have an interview on Tuesday.  and i got an email from TruGreen, a different position that i'd talked to the person i interviewed with a few months ago.  i resubmitted my application and now can only wait to see. 

i am almost out of funds.  the third of January is 6 days away.  but i have enough food for far more than six days.  i have heat, i have water, i have shelter and a bed.  i have the means to do these assessments, as they're all online.  i have responses to changes that i made in my resume, thanks to my friend Lonnie.  i have things happening.  i am blessed, and have been all along, but i forgot that i was.  Why?

because a thousand years to man is but a day to God.  scripture.  so, when i pray, for instance, perhaps God is just starting a sneeze.  little cloud in his sinuses or something.  my prayer is at the tickling in his nose, and it's answered in the same moment.  but it takes God's time, not mine, for that answer to reach me.  and when it reaches me, very likely God will not even have completed his sneeze yet.  a sneeze is an instant thing.  less than a second for humans.  how long are 1000 seconds?  if we were talking human relativity, on the human scale of things, a thousand seconds would be sixteen minutes.  imagine one sneeze that lasted sixteen minutes for a human.  not a sneezing jag; ONE SNEEZE.  you'd pass out, likely.  something would give.  it would scare you witless.  but that would be a moment for God.  just a moment.  my life is a moment to God.  so the answers are there, but i have to have the patience and the will to wait, and the actions to do right things until that answer is made manifest. 

this is just something that i've been pondering the last few days.  it's been a good day.  did what i needed to do, and will continue to do so.  tomorrow will be dancing and counseling and seeing what God's will is then.  but i am truly grateful to Jehovah for allowing me to understand that I am not Him, and i am really right to be glad about that. 

distant and different...

i'm not sure what the problem is, but i can feel myself going through another series of changes.  thing is, it ranges all over the emotional map, good and bad, healing and suppurating, serene and raging.  i don't know what exactly is going on, but i know that my insides are in a bit of a tizzy, and there's nothing i can do right now but ride the ride and see where it takes me.

oh, it could be worse.  i didn't do any of the responsible stuff today, i'll be honest.  and i can tell you, one hundred and six percent, it's because it was cold as a motherfucker today.  my sleep was bad, the pain has returned, and i woke to a morning about six below with the wind chill.  the wind that sweeps all through this house, that climbs into the comforter with me and acts like we're in a relationship.  which we ain't.  but it don't matter.  eventually i got up.  said my prayer, got my ass moving.  i'd heated up coffee and i had a cup.  watched some television while i took my meds.  i was moving, but i'd started wrong.  i was in front of the television before i had done any readings, and i was eating leftovers from yesterday.

i caught some news, then i had my breakfast and went to put clothes away and check some information on my desktop computer.  i went to the meeting, and i talked about some of the things i've experienced in the waning year, things that i've not spoke on at meetings in great detail up to now, because i don't believe in holding a meeting hostage to my issues.  but the last meeting of the year seemed an appropriate place to drop it.  i grabbed some lunch, though i didn't really have the funds, and i got some dry pintos at Sav-a-Lot for this coming weekend.  go good with my awesome hambone. 

in the evening i went to dinner with Tina.  my soup was done, i took her some cake, took my mom and dad the rest of the dressing and the broccoli casserole.  i put the soup into a container and had a small serving for myself.  the kitchen is clean, coffee is ready and the webpage i need for my work training is bookmarked upstairs. 

so why am i feeling so mean, so underappreciated?  i don't know.  it's somewhere between things that i know i should be doing but am not, to things that have happened when they shouldn't have.  or something like that.  but i am blessed, don't get me wrong.  i reflect again on being in this house, as when i started off at 17, the only other time i was actually on my own. i started my life then with a bed and a kitchen table, same as now.  but i know more, am aware of me more, and know for a fact now that God's will will be done.  i'm going to put it down now, and maybe if i'm not so tired tomorrow i'll get more in depth with what i'm finding. 

through the pain

i can feel the changes beginning to come over me.  i can also feel the fear that wages war with the notion of a better future.  i can only say that i hope these things reconcile within me soon, but regardless, even with a slower start than i wanted, i am going to continue. 

one thing i'll be doing in the very near future is modifying this page.  when i get to my food plan (dropping nearly all carbohydrates for approximately 6 months), i'm going to have an accompanying page, a food and activity log.  i have to keep myself honest and moving.  if i don't, then it becomes very easy to slide between the pre-existing excuses for major saboteur work.  that will cost me my life if it continues, so i am going to bore people who bother to read here with more details than they're getting now.  however, in the beginning, with the Orbit, i logged pretty much everything except my sexual habits, and that's going to simply resume.

today i was up at 530.  i was in a great amount of pain, and i deduce it was caused by my eating excesses yesterday.  it takes me back to Christmas of 1990, when i first started trying to address my eating disorder.  when i originally got 'clean', in 1988, i got high before treatment only out of habit.  no grief, no last minute binges, no 'smoke Columbia cause it's going to be the last hurrah' kind of shit.  i drank some, smoked some weed, didn't smoke any freebase, and the monday after thanksgiving i was on my way to Salem, to the care unit. 

with food, it was different the first time.  i was with a girl named Lynda, and i was headed to Parkside in Gahanna, Ohio, outside of Columbus.  i always loved how Gahanna was similar to Gahenna in the bible, which was a reference to an ever burning refuse dump, or hell in conventional mass-hysterical sheep-like reasoning.  anyway, i cooked a massive Christmas dinner in our tiny apartment, and no one showed up.  i was, if possible, in worse shape than i am now.  i couldn't climb the two flights of steps to our apartment without feeling as if my heart were going to reach up to my throat and strangle me.  and i was only 22 at the time.  but damned if i didn't try to eat every single scrap of food that i had onhand, feeling and fearing that somehow it would be the last time i would ever get to eat real food.  it was amazing, the orgy of gastronomical destruction i visited upon myself. 

i guess it's just the notion of changing my eating drastically that brings that to mind.  after i eat today, the routine is the same as it would be any other day, same as it was last month:  i get freezer bags, load up the things worth saving to the freezer and the rest goes in the trash.  i have to eat for the next 8 days on practically no money, so i'm not a fool nor am i stupid.  but i am willing to act in faith.  i'm not using the circumstances as an excuse to go crazy.  i'm going to keep moving as i did this morning.  i got up.  i said my prayer.  i drank some ice water.  i went upstairs, checked my yahoo emails and indeed.com for jobs.  i danced for about 10 minutes (shorter than my usual, but i've been sedentary for the past three weeks.  got to start somewhere), i came downstairs and showered and shaved my face, i took my medicine and insulin, i warmed up my car, gathered my things and made my way to my urologist appointment.

...where, traumatically, a scope was inserted into my urethra and my bladder was examined.  i am (peripherally) angry at the older and old men in my life who never bother to tell the young men that these things await them.  you should be able to mentally prepare for such things as long as possible...maybe for ten, twenty years at least. 

checked out okay, though.  i went to my parent's house, tried to print up a copy of my car insurance but my mother's printer wasn't printing for some reason.  i sat for a while anyway.  my mom wasn't feeling very well and was sleeping quite a bit.  my dad stayed upstairs.  i ate breakfast, bacon and eggs and glasses of water, and i went to my interview, which was more about giving them my information and filling out the application and what not.  it's for a company that transports the developmentally disabled to their workshops and things, to and from.  i would be working as a bus aide if hired, depending on passing a work physical more than anything.  heads or tails, i'll be okay.  things are opening up. 

i'm going to clean this turkey carcass and start getting my soup together.  i'm going to go upstairs and fill out another application for a different position with TruGreen, for which i received an email today.  i'm not putting any eggs into any baskets right now, because the chicken can sit on them until i know what's about to hatch.  God's will be done, in other words.  i'm going to chill, i have a meeting tomorrow and an 8 hour work thing that i have to get finished for the transportation job.  some fun, eh? 

i'm grateful, regardless. because what is happening is my consciousness is changing.  i am, having removed Rachel's number from my phone, missing her much more.  i don't know why.  i had to fight down an urge to ride past her house today.  but i fought it down.  i guess its true what they say, you can cycle through the stages of grief at random and at any given time and in any sequence.  so i'm normal.  good to know. 

super tired now.  things to do before i sleep, maybe.  i am grateful and thankful to Jehovah for making a way and allowing me to see the beginning. 

changes to come

another 'holy'day season ends.  well, officially, when you think about it, holiday seasons never end, because there always has to be something to distract humans from the insanity of life on earth.  there always has to be a button pushed to make people believe they are still in control of what they've always been servants to.  but, the Christmas season has wrapped up.  and with it, changes must come. 

today wasn't bad.  not for a christmas day, but for a day.  i did say prayers, i did take my medicines, i did see my parents.  i did break bread with my brother and my child and her significant other.  i did send invites further out than that, but i didn't expect responses.  the important thing was to let people know they were welcome. 

i did eat too much, but not WAAAAY too much.  i did get food put away and i will likely have to change my start date of my Sacrifice because i don't have any other food at this time.  but i have things i need to address, things i need to focus on, and things i need to remember. 

i finally removed Rachel's old number from my phone.  yes, i still miss her.  days like this, when this house is clearly not my own and the loneliness takes on a quality different than the common day substance it normally has, then her absence is a strong and rending thing.  but she's not here.  she's not coming back anytime soon, and likely she is not coming back.  therefore, i am letting go of the rest of her, to the best of my ability.  i sent her an email wishing for her good health and a good holiday for her family.  i have to move me on, back to my own thing. 

i am going to start making my list on wednesday, things i would like to see accomplished in the coming year.  i have no resolutions.  i don't subscribe to that when i live a life that starts when my eyes open, ends when my eyes close and may not begin again should i forget what being an addict costs me.  but, i do need to lay out some goals in a check list format and i do need to work on them as best i can.  i want to see what i can do to get my school thing started again.  i want to get some kind of streaming channel, whether its on Roku or some other service, and i'd like to figure how to do a podcast and a play.  i want to give Z-Phyles some more solid dimensions.  i know it's time. 

i feel tired.  i've sat nodding on the couch in front of the television. i did the nothing i'd planned to do.  by the end of the evening i just let it alone.  i'd reached out to people and only touched a couple.  now i'm going to get some sleep.  doctor's appointment in the morning, an interview in the early afternoon and a plate to take to my parent's house tomorrow. 

i am grateful to Jehovah for time spent with my family today. 

the Adult Conspiracy (concept by Piers Anthony)

the human animal is such an amazing paradox, and yet there doesn't seem to be much to understand.  the truth is no longer a prerequisite to human experience, so much as the convenience of the acceptability of the story told, regardless of how monstrous the lie.  we regularly and routinely accept things as true on the basis of nothing more than the fact that changing over to the fact-based information would be too societelly disruptive.  and we adhere to lies and outright falsifications as if they were life-preservers, rather than the torpedoes that are sinking the society of men as we know it.  it's an amazing thing to witness at any given time, but never more so than at christmas. 

December 25 has been shown to have its origins in Pagan practices and Roman mythology.  it has no bearing on anything scriptural.  all of the symbolism given to it have far more in common with Saturnalia than with the birth of the Christ child in the gospels of the New Testament.  but this is a day that is said to be about the birth of Jesus.  not one historian gives credence to this.  not one historian has ever said, "yeah, it coulda been."  but it goes unabated that this is the day Christ was born.  songs are sung about it.  movies are made about it.  books are written about it.  children's minds are indoctrinated toward it from birth.  and it is a lie.  the Adult Conspiracy at its finest.  

beating a dead horse, i know.  but think about all the other lies that have such unyielding traction in the human, or American, psyche.  because america has a special gift for lying to its citizens, though the entire world partakes of this Conspiracy as well.   

as in the picture above, the creation of human life by humans is often a source of discomfort for parents who were raised in shame-based ways concerning their sexuality.  so the stork, the melon patch, the cabbage leaf, any number of lies, spun before the believing minds of children to explain where little sister or brother came from, and the change in mother's physiology during her pregnancy.  allegiance to the flag is seen as 'patriotic', is practiced as nationalism and separatism and is, in fact, simple idolatry, which is forbidden in the same scriptures that hypocrites use to pretend today is Jesus' birthday.  the world has enough resources, in a non-materially addictive mindset, for every man, woman and child to have clean water, land to live on, food to eat and space to exist.  yet because of the greed and power madness of humans, there are pretend shortages of all resources.  but no one questions these things because, like pregnancy, we are given images, songs, stories, commercials and outright lies that condition our minds into believing things just have to be this way.  we are no longer capable of living without the comforts and ease provided by an industrialized reality, which continues the cycle of haves and have-nots ad infinitum.  in fact, even on a lower level, the lies are monstrous and continuous.  a government that would bomb its own ships in order to rouse anger enough to enter into the 2nd world war is now incapable of flying planes into its own real estate to justify a war with a foreign country.  a government that could engender a coup against its sitting president and blow his head off and kill the manufactured suspect on national television is now incapable of collusion with foreign agencies to bring a patsy to the presidency of a country that is already co-opted and purchased to its 'fruited plains'.  an 'opiod' epidemic that is supposedly killing hundreds of citizens is not seen to be the creation of the pharmaceutical industry (government, big business), likely to stimulate the use of actual opiates (heroin) and generate profits to a government that has ALWAYS had its hands in the global drug trade (Vietnam and the heroin highway).  

we know things, we know much more than our actions say we do, yet we pretend we don't, to allow life to continue, to allow things to go as they always have...to 'not rock the boat'.  and for our troubles, we are compromised, we are slaughtered, we are insane.  

i am up today, i will finish cooking.  i will wonder if i have enough money to get through the next 9 days, and of course the answer is 'no, but i'll make it through'.  i didn't have to do any of this, and in truth, the dinner part cost me close to nothing, but why today?  isn't it because i, also, subscribe to this lie, this bullshit, even if i don't do so blindly?  and isn't that, in it's own way, worse?  when you can see the lie, and you trot along anyway, even if its at a distance so as to seem as if you're not going along, you are a bigger liar for it.  i do believe that.  because if the one who knows the truth doesn't act against the lie, then how will the ones who don't know the truth ever see any contrast?  

i have no tree, i have no decorations, but my electric bill is higher anyway.  i bought no presents but i am broke to a greater degree than i was last month.  but i was never addicted to lights and presents; i was always addicted to food.  and there you go.  

change is coming.  i am going to stick to that truth.  but it is necessary to be honest with myself, if i intend to do differently.  

an actual update on the day later.  

Doing Thangs...

change is an interesting concept. 
to go into something like pain that lasts for a period of time, a longer period than one might be used to...or even to have a bad cold or flu that lingers and makes you miserable...in the time that you have it, you might actually forget what feeling good is like, depending on how long it goes on.  but then comes a time (hopefully) when you feel better.  and with colds and flu, with cuts and sprains, often the recovery is so gradual that you don't realize you're better, because you tend to let being sick or inconvenienced or compromised slip your mind without actually realizing it's happening.  i've had that.  been so sick with a flu i couldn't get out of bed, lived in the bathroom, went through boxes of tissues...and then one day i was strolling along, planting apple trees or some such shit and it dawned on me that not long ago i was on my deathbed...wasn't i?

this ain't like that. 

i am feeling better.  i am thankful to Jehovah for that.  and i am in a seam between the pain that i've been having and the relief that may be completely a part of my reality, and in that seam there is pressure beneath my ribs, but not overt pain.  that pain may come tonight, but it may not.  i may sleep, or i may not, but it's not definite beforehand.  i am aware that i'm getting better, and not unmindful of the fact that it's been two days so far or that this started the day after Thanksgiving.  its interesting, the paradigm shift perception takes that makes a thing into a whole other thing.  what am i becoming?  i don't know, and therefore i don't know if i like it or not, and i am pretty sure it doesn't matter if i do or don't. 

i can live with that today.

i got up this morning and i said my prayer.  i went to the kitchen and turned on the coffee and found something on the radio.  i did my readings, took my insulin and medications.  i had decided i wanted biscuits this morning, but i didn't have any in the fridge and forgot or overlooked the thought to get them while i was at the store yesterday.  i was up about 6, and the nearest store opens at 8.  and then it hit me:  when did i forget how to make biscuits myself?  and if i truly did, which i didn't really, when why don't i look it up online?  so i did.  i found a basic and competent recipe by the illustrious racist, Miss Paula Deen, and i made myself five lovely biscuits and an omelet with spinach, onions, hot peppers and diced ham and cheese.  it was wonderful, i had the biscuits with blackberry jam, sugar free, that i got from my parent's house.  a nice breakfast, to be sure.

i cleaned most of my house today and i got a load of clothes done.  i put in a couple of applications.  i talked to Yvette a couple times, talked to my mother a couple times.  i thought about going north again, but the day got later and my motivation dwindled.  i watched some television.  doing more of that lately.  i guess there's nothing wrong with it.  i got my water bill and suppressed a freak-out.  i have to consider that unless i procure employment that i can perform i may not be able to budget living here.  the utilities of a house are abundant, and even if i apply for HEAP, i'm still spread completely thin.  but that's a worry for next year at this point.  i made a real cornbread for my dressing.  i made a burger and the last of my mac n cheese for dinner.  i got my turkey in the fridge from the brine.  i talked to De'ja for an hour and a half tonight.  i am tired, but i feel good.  and tomorrow, i start cooking.  i hit my meeting.  i stop in on my parents.  and i get home and finish my cooking for monday.  and Tuesday...i sacrifice this me for the possibility of better things.  more on that later.  for now, again i thank Jehovah for all the blessings and joy this day has brought to my life, and i say good night to whomever finds this page. 

Affect and Alleviation (hopefully?)

Man, i look at this guy and you know what i see?  i see a guy with no pain that lingers for 3 weeks.  now, don't get me wrong.  i don't see a pain-free guy, that's not what i'm saying.  i just don't see a guy who is sitting in a prolonged pain that came from nowhere and shows no signs of leaving, like a guest for the holiday who is still there five days later picking scraps from the turkey carcass.  i see a guy who is able to close his eyes, take a picture while trying to look like someone else was taking his picture, and shake it around with a bit of panache until his back starting singing and he was walking with a cane for a few days.  but that's not the guy who's writing this shit right now.

the day was cool.  no point bitching about things i can't control. today i got up and said my prayer and i was tired, Jack.  i don't even know why; slept better than i had in a minute, but when i got up i felt groggy and unresponsive.  i went in to the living room, put on Street Fighter with Sonny Chiba...and went to sleep.  slept for about 3, 4 hours maybe.  i got up, got it started for real.  took my meds and insulin, talked to my mother, who had called and i let her know i'd be by after coffee, talked to Lonnie, talked to Yvette, and then i was out.  i went north, found my mom on the phone and i started doing my thing.

i made them some pancakes for breakfast and fried two eggs for my mom to go with hers.  my brother Jerry stopped in for a minute, moving slow today.  i made enough that if he came back later from doing his thing he could get some.  then i started on dinner.  quick thawed a pack of ground beef from the downstairs freezer, mixed up some meatballs and got them in the oven.  made a small pot of rice and put some cans of corn next to the stove.  i have to leave my mom something to do.  i talked with her about a movie i watched yesterday, Poppy Shakespeare, very sad, very enlightening.  i left after a few hours and went east.  i went to Sav-a-Lot and got a couple things, dropped off that and some supplies i got from the parent's house before i went to the food cart.  i hadn't eaten breakfast, so i got a gyro and a pastalillo and went home and had lunch.  i watched some more television and i nodded a bit, and eventually i made myself some fish fillets from a box of frozens, some tomato soup and a spinach salad for dinner.  i cleaned my dishes, made a corn bread for my dressing for monday and i got my turkey in a brine.  i am now in bed, filing my thoughts. 

i can say that at this moment, the pain is discernibly lessened.  i took one gabapentin, two regular Tylenol and a pepcid, and i'm shutting it down.  i feel the neuropathic burning in my left hip, but the pain is dulled way back in my side.  that's good, i think.  i'll take it, under any circumstances. 

the second thing was watching a movie this evening.  it's called Lady Vengeance, a Korean film.  its about a woman who was imprisoned for 13 years for the murder of a small boy. she didn't actually do the crime, she just took the fall for it and spent her time in jail preparing for revenge against the real killer.  that's all i'm saying, you should watch it.  but what got me was, at one point, there were several families of other children who'd also been killed, watching film the killer took as he killed their children, and the actors playing the parents were so good with their heart-wrenching wails of despair and sorrow, it evoked a physical reaction of tears in me.  it made me sad to feel their sadness, even knowing it was manufactured.  what was more surprising was that i'd seen the movie before, and i hadn't reacted that way to it previously.  so, even after all this time, i still change, i still become.  God's not done with me yet. 

i am grateful for everything i'm aware of today.  i thank Jehovah, and now i'm going to try to get some sleep.

generational continuity

i'm tired, but my mind is going.  it's been a long day, but they're all 24 hours, no less and no more.  i've got some things to process, and i'm going to try to get some sleep.  but there is an understanding that i seek, an understanding of the value of a human heart, and that's where this begins and ends.

so, today i got up, after a disappointing night.  disappointing because i thought, well i think, this shit is starting to lift, but it is still there.  i tried sleeping as if it wasn't and that didn't work, so i was up late, watching television, and i got up early to start the day.  not a good combination.  when i got up, the pain was higher, and i was slow to movement but i moved.  i prayed.  i think i drowsed for a bit after, but i got my coffee heated, got my medicine taken, got my breakfast in me.  i called to cancel my doctor's appointment.  honestly, i've been in the emergency room twice this month.  i've been to One Health in Warren twice as well.  i've had busted sleep, a gut full of pain and i've wrestled with the loneliness, anxiety and just plain fear for weeks.  i just didn't want one more fruitless encounter with one more educated vacuum this particular morning.  i wrote some on To December.  I talked to Yvette briefly.  and i went to the noon meeting. 

i got things set up, we ended up with 8 people, doing Step 6 (...became willing to have God remove all these defects of character).  it was a good chapter, a good topic.  we had a couple new people, one who i've seen before and one brand new to me anyway.  the discussion was the usual people.  but it is the new ones that i try to stay focused on, try to keep them in mind.  because they're the ones that are going to have to carry the message of the steps when people of my generation are all gone, as i have to do for the generations that raised me.  there's not a lot of us left, i've realized that lately.  my sponsor is still sick, still mostly incapacitated.  Yvette is sick, may actually not convalesce.  age and sickness catches us all.  we think in the mindset of the youth we used to be.  we live in the physicality of all the injuries, the time passed, the neglect and the failing nature of our imperfect selves.  it is not a fair trade, but it's a fair life. 

after the meeting, i moved my car to a central space and jumped in with Lonnie and his son Joshua.  we went to PA so he could exchange rentals.  i was nodding on the way, weary and having pain jolts from some of the bumpiness of the backroad ride to the dealership where he got the rental from.  but it was nice.  nice to not have just come home alone, nice to have company and listen to a father and son, nice to be with my family, as they both are to me.  at the dealership i had a cup of coffee (which may be why i'm still woke now) and waiting while Lonnie finished his business.  we loaded up the other car, drove to a Hot Dog Shoppe and had lunch and made our way to Lonnie's physical therapy session.  i was going to get my car first and be on my way but he was running behind and i didn't mind hanging longer. 

Josh and i sat in the car while Lonnie did his thing, and i talked to Josh about changing the frame on his perfectionism. he judges himself to be a 'failure' at 22 years old because he is not living the way he feels he is expected to.  i told him he is nowhere near done with life, therefore he has no right to label himself as anything yet.  we spoke honestly, and it was good to have someone to share some of my experiences with.  Lonnie came out, and i went to get my car and came home.  i made a hamburger and soup, did my dishes, cut up my bread into croutons and got them ready.  i am tired, i am sore, but i am grateful.  i am always grateful when i can see, in hindsight, the day turning and God's hand on the wheel, steering me where i need to be.  i don't know if i carried the message he had for me, but i am so glad that i was able to be a part of this day in someone's life.  i'm going to try to shut it down now, supposed to do lunch with Syd tomorrow.  good night. 

preparation

it's evening.  quarter to seven at the moment.  i've had a day.  some productivity, some pain.  some planning for the coming week.  some just chilling, trying to get some sort of momentary relief from the ongoing issue.  but a day, under any definition.

as i said, i didn't sleep all that well, and i have to get it moving tomorrow, should i be blessed with another day.  i have a doctor's appointment in the morning, my meeting in the afternoon, Lonnie asked if I'll ride to PA with him to exchange rentals after my meeting.  i just took the turkey from the freezer and put it in the fridge to slow thaw until Saturday, probably.  then i'm going to put it into a brine for 24 hours, seal it in my stock pot for a flavored braise and have it ready for Monday coming.  it's going to be the last hurrah.  i feel it.  like quitting smoking, i'm on the edge of the decision that's already been made.  change has to happen.  this pain and unproductiveness is unacceptable.  and nothing is going to change if i don't change anything.

spiritual balance demands that something has to be sacrificed in order to gain something.  there has to at least be the honest willingness to sacrifice something.  because if i'm not willing to let go, why should God give me something in exchange?  that just makes sense to me.  but so many people can't really see it.  the season is in the process of driving folks crazy, like it does every year.  people driving like assholes, acting like idiots and treating each other like scum.  but 'tis the season, right?

i am upstairs.  i'm going to try to do a little writing, get a shower in and get some clothes ready for tomorrow.  i'm very grateful to Jehovah, as this has been a day where some things have gotten done.

better days, in spite of

i started this entry last night, and tried to make my way upstairs to finish it, but that didn't happen as i thought it would.  the pain in my side was enough to keep me from doing any long term sitting.  i should have got back on here and did it but i didn't.  so i'm going to just basic jot at the moment, keep the flow going.

i started with the fact that sleep has been horrible, and it has been, last night, night before.  it starts with just trying to find some position where the pain is not too intense.  it continues when i awaken with sharp jolts of pain constantly flaring, or like last night, where the skin on my hip on the left side felt as if it had been doused with plasma.  then i just stay awoke and suffer for a bit.  i try to turn onto my back, which often offers some relief, but not much.  i get up, go to the living room, turn on some movie or something and either nod fitfully or watch sleepily.  this morning was mostly the latter, though i did crash out for a few.

i've had breakfast. said my prayers, did my readings, took my meds.  i did some prepping of veggies for next Monday's dinner.  i've talked to Lonnie and will be heading to the store shortly, get a couple cake pans and my other prescription.  i don't know what else today.  i had a sizeable breakfast and i am going to hold off for dinner, as my activity level has again dwindled to nothing.  i got to get back in motion, but when it hurts all the time, i have a tendency to just do what i have to do.  we'll see.  i am grateful for life, but i know i'm not grateful enough.  

begins the pain anew...

well, life is interesting sometimes.  and sometimes it's boring as fuck.  and this was one of those times.  but life is what it is only to the living.  those gone on before us have no opinion on what life is or is not, therefore the blessing of such pious rumination is that i am alive, and i thank God for that.

for now, though, this is me outside of the CT scan room at St. E's, waiting for a very polite young man to come and take me back to the ER for dismissal. when i got up today, i noticed my getting up was taking some effort, and my sitting down was kind of labored, and that is my best forewarning that my back is about to go through another cycle.  despite that, i said my prayers, read my scripture and my meditation book, had my medications, my breakfast and wrote a couple chapters in the book.  i shaved my head and face, took a shower and packed some needed things into an actual carry-bag, on the premise that perhaps they'd actually find something and/or do something helpful today. i went to my CA meeting because i was the chairperson, and i went from there right to the emergency room.  i'd notified everyone who would want to know that i was going to the ER, and i went. 

i wasn't there for a ridiculous amount of time, thankfully.  i got triaged, gave urine, had blood taken, another CT scan, and a pain pill.  suggestions that it could be acid reflux, could be something gastrointestinal, need to get a referral to a specialist for that, could be about anything.  maybe...three hours?  then they sent me home. 

i stopped to see my parents after i dropped off two scripts at Rite-Aid for acid reflux medicine...just in case.  i told my mom what was happening, kept it moving.  went to Walmart for some snack stuff, just treats for the week as i have cooking and cleaning to do, movies to watch, that sort of thing.  cable guys coming tomorrow night.  i'm tired of hurting, but that's nothing new.

i guess i'm doing okay.  i spent most of yesterday alone, watching television, trying to nurse the pain.  i'm really not bad off, regardless of who i miss or what i wish.  but it is sometimes a rough ride.  i think about how different the year began, how i never saw it turning out like this...and in a lot of ways, that's a good thing.  when you can predict something, you tend to take many things for granted without really knowing that you are.  if everyone knew the exact day they would die, there'd be much more anger and violence and then last moments of remorse and apologies, as opposed to lives lived better with the knowledge.  that's the human animal.  what i know is, if this is something i have to deal with, i'm going to become a person that is capable of achieving despite this kind of situation.  i'm going to be a better me and do what i know i have in me to do.  that's the plan.  how it turns out?  that belongs to Jehovah, and i'm grateful for that.  but the plan is on me, and the work is on me.  so, there you go.  i'm home.  i'm on my bed journaling.  tomorrow is another day, and i'll be another me.  good night.

days change

most of my plans for the day have changed, so i'm writing this early.  i slept better, but still not right.  i have been drowsing most of the morning so far.  i have a current lessening of pain, but it is far from gone.  so i'm going to take it easy today.  work on what's going to alleviate this pain, discern from what isn't, and just take some time to chill.  not even going into a bunch of stuff here.  no need, and sitting upright at the desktop makes this shit hurt worse.  so, thank you for understanding, and i'm going to try to stay on point no matter what with updating.  thank you, Father, for life today. 

...sleep please...

...this is so symbolic to me right about now.

i am exhausted.  i had nothing but a fitful night, moments of drowsing between the hurting, and finally surrendering to not sleeping at all, for the most part.  my brother and i had to go pick up food baskets from the union hall my dad belongs to, so there was no point after a bit of thinking sleep was going to happen.  around 430, i got it started, didn't shower or shave, just muddled about, trying to get my head in some kind of shape for moving.

i got going about six-thirty, got gas which i've driven out today, got my brother and we got our stuff.  i dropped him at his apartment, went to my parent's house for a bit, then got some breakfast from the Bell and went to counseling.  i left there and went to Sav-a-Lot and Aldi's, and back to my parents for a bit, as my mom was upset i didn't stay longer earlier.  i still didn't stay long, tried to tell her i just wasn't in the best mental space from the lack of sleep. i came home, unloaded my car, put groceries away, laid down for a little bit listening to Coltrane and trying to sleep, then i decided to hit the last stores on my list.  i went to Sav-a-lot on this side of town for hot dogs and buns, went to the meat market and to Dollar General.  it was a spending of money that i don't really have, but spending on things that i'm going to need, food-wise.  one thing about so-called holiday cooking; i believe in the power of long-term leftovers.

i had lunch, washed a load of clothes and my coat and vest, watched a pretty brilliant animated movie and made my dinner.  i'd already separated the few meats i'd gotten, put what i wanted in the freezer and the rest in the fridge.  i am now not hurting too much, another dose of Tylenol arthritis, a bit stronger, i suppose.  i'm going to try to sleep, i will clean tomorrow, get my ass moving.  i'm blessed.  i have everything i need, and some of what i want, to be honest.  i miss Rachel, but life has a way of going on.  thank you, Father. 

winter and downtime

i tried to chill today, and i think for the most part i was successful.  this shot is from my upstairs bathroom window.  i saw the icicles dangling, dripping from the warming weather, and thought the scenery was cool enough to try to get a scenic snap.  i think it worked.  i love the imposing cloud in the background and the long house shadow up front. 

so, today i was out of it for a period.  i was tired, jack, tired as a motherfucker.  i barely slept last night at all, and when i did, it was very broken.  i am sure i dreamed, only because that's such a constant these days.  but i can't recall what.  i only know about 5, i got up, went to the living room, found the old Flash Gordon serial on the Roku and fell asleep to that.  and while that sleep was also broken, it was a great deal more beneficial than the night sleep attempt had been.  

but i was pretty out of it.  i got my ass moving, finally, brought my meds in to the living room and took them, and at some point i had gone upstairs and wrote quite a bit on the book, and i said my prayer while i was upstairs.  i didn't eat breakfast.  my back was killing me something awful, but i kept it moving as best i could.  my mom called, worrying about me, and my brother texted to make arrangements for tomorrow, to go pick up the food baskets from GM.  by noon i was at least working on fixing myself some lunch, or brunch, i guess, an omelet, some leftover rice and a piece of pumpernickel toast.  i watched some television but couldn't really focus, i called to reschedule my internet repair appointment for monday.  as i said, mostly i chilled today, laid around, sat around, did nothing.  trying to rest my back.  i would love to say it feels better now, but i don't know.  i used the capsaicin patch Lonnie got for me, and i guess it helped some.  i've been taking the flaxseed supplement.  i'm not going to drug myself tonight.  i'm going to get some sleep, get up about 5, get my shower in and my meds, and i'm going to go pick up this basket with my brother.  i'm going to counseling, and i'm going to hit the store, and check on my parents.  that's about the size of the whole affair, far as i can tell.  i'm tired, hoping for sleep, and grateful to God for some rest.  

blues, goddam...

man, i don't know.  it's just one thing after another, one pain after another. 

so after a fairly decent sleep, getting up and feeling like i'm going to move through this day with gusto, i have the strangest shit.  i sneeze.  twice.  sitting at my computer, putting in applications.  i sneeze twice...and something feels like it tears in my abdomen.  amazing.  exquisite fucking pain.  back in slow motion again.  just horrible. 

now, as i said, i got up cool enough.  i think i woke once, about 12, but i was in bed by ten.  i remember changing the video i was sleeping to, feeling like the actual imagery might not be cool on the one i was watching, and then i was down for another six hours.  blissful, compared to what i've been getting.  had some dream about the Avengers in the middle of the ocean, and the eleventh regeneration of Doctor Who comes to conference with them about Thanos.  just some bizarre, entertaining shit, nothing apocalyptic as i'd been having.  i get up, say my prayer, get my coffee and water and meds in, go upstairs to do my thing (bathroom use and applications, and dance, all on my schedule), and then i injure myself SNEEZING.  i can't believe it.  so no dancing has happened today.

my Nurse Practitioner wouldn't help me.  had my follow up appointment from the ER visit on friday.  basically, she didn't really want to hear that it was likely neuropathy, seemed to be a bit miffed that i questioned both her and the emergency room doctor.  i honestly don't give a shit about that.  if you can't diagnose me by what i'm telling you and your tests are not finding shit, you should be willing to pursue the possible, and if you're not, i damn sure am.  i told her about the new thing.  i'm sure she thought i was just angling for pain pills.  i don't care about that either.  if Tylenol would work, i'd be a Tylenol popping motherfucker. 

so, i got to my meeting on time.  three of us showed up, but that was okay.  got to lunch with Lonnie, and the waitress comped us because the cook was being an asshole.  got to my parent's house and got their dinner done.  and i've been here, laid up since.  some fun my life has become. 

oh well.  see if i can get some sleep tonight.  see what tomorrow brings.  i'll head back to the ER if necessary, no issues with that.  i'm just tired of hurting, but that's old news too.

new news, got a call while sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's.  an acquaintance from a great many years ago.  a benefactress once upon a time.  a 'beneficial' friend and then someone else who chose to remain resentful over the asshole i'd been.  she called to check on me, saw my 'hospital' pic that has been so interpreted on FB.  we talked, she's in bad shape, but i knew that.  she's my dad's age, she's in a nursing home, where they put her to die, and she's still alive, and conscious and cognizant from the sound of it.  she doesn't want to be there, but she has no choice.  she sounds very sad.  i'm going to send her a book, a copy of Old Lazarus i think.  she is a friend.  i'm always sorry for lost years, but i don't hold grudges, even though i'm still not talking to my oldest brother, so that makes me slightly hypocritical.  HAH!  anyway, i'm in pain and i'm done for now. 

regardless of what you ask for...

i want to carefully construct this entry.  i don't want to be vague, nor do i want to be misinterpreted or misunderstood.  i want this to be something that stands as a bit of a landmark in my journaling, because the song says a change is gonna come, and i believe that change is on its way.  but i don't presume to know the will of God, i just feel what i feel, right?

so, this pain thing is an interesting factor in my life right now.  to wake up, everyday, early, a pain growing in your belly, beneath your ribs, in your left lower back, to feel it drag you up from a sleep that is laden with familiar imagery that never happened, faces that you've not seen in ages except on social media as if it were a part of your everyday life, dredging up sadness and misery along with the aloneness like meat through flour, ready for the grease to crisp it for consumption...to be awake for hours, just trying to find a spot where the pressure and pain won't be as intense, and knowing that nothing you take, no Tylenol, no ibuprofin, no prednisone or hydroxycodone or gout meds or neuropathy medicine are going to do you any good...to cry out, to yell, close to a scream, mostly of frustration but also of pain, to finally find the spot, laying on your back which is your worst sleep position, where it doesn't hurt, and to drift off into another dream of exactly the same emotive quality...to wake up, finally, sit on the edge of the bed, weary, feeling crazy, feeling lost, trying to salvage a prayer, scratching through the surface noise for your gratitude...just to start the day, to do the things you know you need to do...and to have this as the new ritual, for the past week and a half, almost 10 days straight, with little variation...unless its to drug myself with cold medicine, which would constitute abuse and i'm not going there...that is what i would consider hell, if i believed in such a thing other than the human condition on the entire planet Earth right about now. 

now, take that whole diatribe, and give it a day like today.  today, my doctor's office called to reiterate what i told them a week ago, what i told them happened in the ER on friday, called me to schedule a useless visit...but i figured, maybe its time to give in, to just get a pain medicine prescription, maybe something that works at night, and then i can at least sleep, until the script runs out. because i am convinced this is all a neuropathic nightmare, that this is just one continuous attack that is only going to get worse as i get older...but i'm willing to fight.  that's what i was taught, that's what i'm made of.  so i decide to go.  have a 2:15 appointment in the afternoon.  had thought about going to the noon meeting, just to get out of the house, to aid the struggle of aloneness against the insidious mind-assassin, Loneliness.  but it takes planning now.  planning around pain.  planning around finances.  the trip to Warren to the doctor alone consumes more gas than i really have to burn.  planning around things to do here, which are arranged but have to be adhered to.  and then...a moment.  a glitch in the programming, self-written, of course- and the whole thing goes to a new level of Dante's inferno, a deeper floor in the sub-basement shopping center of hell. 

in point:  i take my shower and i shave my head and face.  important.  i lotion my feet, utmost importance, and i lotion up completely.  i've put in an application and i have written a bit in To December.  i've had my breakfast...two good slices of toasted pumpernickel bread, two fried eggs.  after i leave the shower, i bring the trash from the bathroom, dump it into the kitchen waste basket and prepare to tie it up.  tomorrow is trash day.  i look out the window.  the world is white, snow has fallen and adhered.  so now the plan takes shape.  grab the broom, the trash from the back porch and the bag just taken from the kitchen.  go out the front.  UNLOCK THE FRONT DOOR.  take the trash to the can.  along the way, use the broom to clean off the car.  LOCK THE CAR DOOR.  after, of course, the car is started and warming up.  then go to the back, get the trash can, bring it to the front, stopping to throw the trash brought from the house into it, put it in front.  then, after the car warms sufficiently, go to the meeting, go to the doctor, hit a store on the way home.  grab some lunch.  it's streamlining, so that everything can be taken care of without backtracking, because that's when i forget things.  that is a joke.  it's funny in retrospect.  THAT's when i forget things. 

it ran correctly until i cleaned off half the car, opened the door, started the car, looked at my black travel bag that has my spare set of car keys in it sitting on the passenger floor, thought at least i don't have to bring my bag out of the house when i go... closed the car door...and heard the echo of the last sentence in my head.  car locked.  keys in car.  spare keys in bag. BAG IN CAR.  

i didn't lose it.  i didn't panic.  i asked for a miracle, but i didn't get one.  not an obvious one.  i finished cleaning off the car.  i got the trash can.  i'd thrown the two bags and a pop case into the front yard, and i retrieved them and put them in the can, wheeled it to the front and left it at the edge of the yard.  i tried some useless combinations on the keypad.  i have opened it with the combination before, which is in the trunk and unopenable without the keyfob.  i went back in the house.  thank Goodness i left the door open, because i probably would have locked myself out of the house as well...without my phone.  i called AAA.  mind you, this is where the fun starts, as Bruce Willis used to sing for Seagram's wine coolers.

i did all this right after 11am, needing to get to a 12noon meeting.  i called AAA about 11:30, realizing it was not going to be a meeting day now.  the young man who answered the phone kept getting my information wrong, then he said he'd put a rush on it since my car was running, but it would usually be a window of 2 hours, or til 1:30. he said someone would call when they were en route.  i waited an hour, then i called back, said that i was told there'd be a rush on the situation.  they said that was notated, but because they also gave a block of time til 1:30, they could do nothing until the 2 hour window had passed.  i waited an hour.  1:30.  i called back.  they apologized quite a bit, said they would contact the tow company and have them call with an ETA.  waited til 2:30.  called back.  again, profuse apologies.  asked me to hold, and while i was on hold, a dispatcher called, said that the tow company should have been there, but didn't know my keys were locked in a RUNNING car.  so she said someone would be to me asap.  clicked back over, thanked the AAA person. waited.  another half hour.  finally, guy called, said 5 minutes.  came, said AAA never contacted him until 15 minutes ago, said he'd been all in this area, took 3 minutes to open my car door.  i thanked him.  wished him a happy holiday.  i was fuming.  i had burned a quarter tank of gas.  i could have been in Columbus, sitting at a meal someone had cooked for me in the time it took them to get someone to me.  and the truth is, it was my fault.  i knew my bag was in the car, i'd just forgotten and then overlooked it.  i'm getting old.  my health is not getting much better.  but i'm going to fight.  not the fight of my father, where i lose my grasp on reality.  the fight of doing different things, better things for me, so that if there is any chance of a better quality of life before the end of the run, i'm going to get to it. 

but i fear it's closer than i think.  pain that is spreading, untouched by medications.  dreams as if my mind is trying to process all the information it can in the time left.  a sadness that has returned, a poignancy to the aloneness.  i don't know.  i don't presume to know God's will.  i do know this...

i got up, i ate, i prayed.  i will go to the doctor.  i will go to my meeting.  i will see my parents.  these are things should i awaken again.  i will dance.  i will work on this story.  i will work on my songs.  i  will search for the gratitude that is always there, even if sometimes i am resistant to seeing it.  and i will thank Jehovah for a furnace that warms my flesh and a bed that supports my broken sleep.  i've been without both in this lifetime, at the same time. 

regardless of what you ask for, you get what you get, and you have to make the most of it, every time you can. 

self-care

thing about pain...it can make you stupid.  it can do a lot of other things to you, as well...things that compromise your foundation and sense of well being.  but pain can make a person act dumb, i should say.  or, it can do that to me.  and it has.  and i'm going to do something about that, really soon.  like, starting now. 

so, today i got up, and i was hurting.  i woke about 4, later than usual, but the sleep was as broken as it ever is.  so i got on my back and went back into a broken sleep for the next 3 hours or so, had a sad dream about Rachel being with my brother, and woke without any energy whatever.  i stayed in bed til after 8, then i got up and got moving.  i'd said my prayer at seven, maybe it was at 4, but i didn't get going til later.  i didn't eat breakfast.  i talked to Syd, who's not feeling well and will likely be going to the ER after Joe gets off work.  i started to make breakfast but decided i wasn't hungry, because i wasn't.  then i got my ass moving in the right direction.  i read from Ezekial, i believe, and i managed to get a chapter finished and another started in 'To December'.  then i put in an application. 

i'd done some research this morning.  i called and rescheduled with the cardiologist and the urologist, because i am not trying to see medical people who are not dealing with this ongoing pain.  dumb, yes.  anyway, i also called my NP at One Health Ohio and left a message that something else has to happen as far as my care goes, because this pain is ongoing.  i knew nothing was going to happen, but i wanted the call documented.  then i researched.  i am now convinced that all this, the recurring back pain, the gout, leg pain and neuropathy that follows, and this pain in my abdomen/side/back, they are all phases of neuropathy.  there are different levels of it, but the gist is, nerve damage isn't going to show up in a blood or urine sample, and it won't show on a CT scan either.  i looked up neuropathy, and it said there is a level called Proximal Neuropathy (which would actually be the variety i already suffer from, peripheral neuropathy, but in a more acute form).  this can affect the torso, back, abdomen or buttocks.  and that is pretty much the conclusion that i have drawn.  so, what to do?

well, i'm going to go back to heavy carb reduction, closest thing to a New Year's resolution i will have ever made.  i'm going to keep dancing.  i'm going to actually get back into the gym, renew my membership if its possible.  i'm going to use flaxseed oil (which i've started today) and find some way to use red pepper as opposed to the capsaicin that is a topical ointment and cost as arm and a leg.  i'm going to keep working on it, because i am indeed worth it.  and if nothing else helps, i'll go back to the ER and ask for something stronger to help me deal with the pain.  but that is not an effective way of getting through something.  if everything requires a pill then addiction is waiting to be born, or reborn.  and that's not really in my plan for today. 

i'm going to make myself some fish tonight.  i'm going to dance now, relax later and try to sleep the sleep of the just.  and i thank Jehovah for allowing me discernment today. 

Get it In

...there is still a loneliness, but it is co-existing with an alone-ness.  they differ greatly, but they are cojoined, they share certain organs with each other.  in describing it to someone today, i said that lonely and alone are like a corridor full of mirrors, creating specific dimensions, or something like that.  i was asked what it's like, and there is no real answer.  i just know that here, in an ongoing pain, in a house with only memories and me, i am alone.  i feel it strongly.  i feel it in my skin and in my marrow.  when i awaken, i feel the presence of myself and no one else.  when i drift off to sleep, i'll hear the cycling of the furnace, the noises of a house long accustomed to its own company, and the manufactured things my mind holds on to as a way to stave off the flip side of the coin.  but the coin spins, and it lands tails up, lonely.  i miss Rachel.  i wish, on cold days like this, that she was here, her warmth and her spirit.  i wish someone was here.  i miss cooking for someone else.  i miss watching movies with Rachel, with even TF.  i miss conversation.  my phone is silent, save for the ongoing texts from Syd's mom and a bill collector that i don't answer as, until i am employed again, i've not the money to make payments.  there are no tears, there haven't been since August.  they'd be unwelcome anyway.

today was good enough.  the pain lingered, as it does, and i did what i had to do in spite of it.  i prayed, i ate, i took medicines.  i thought too much.  i felt too much.  i did my meeting, took a dish to the pot luck.  i took my brother some food.  i visited my dad and mom.  i talked to Lonnie.  i've taken some pain pills and i'm about to go to sleep.  i watched some television.  i've cleaned dishes.  i made copies of a reading for next Sunday's meeting.  i have to change two doctor appointments tomorrow.  i am alone in this house, i am lonely in this space.  the mirrors are reflections of yesterdays when i had someone in my life...a daughter, a woman, more friends.  i am not ungrateful.  it is cold outside, and some are freezing in this weather with no shelter, and some will die of exposure.  fires are raging in California.  Detroit still has tainted water and Puerto Rico has not been fully restored yet.  i am blessed, cared for and tended to.  i thank Jehovah for that.  but i feel what i feel.  that's okay too.  that's the human that is Tim.  that is toti, unspoken of for a long time now, but still here.  and the journey continues. 

...Change Gonna Come...

apologies concerning yesterday.  I was very much on point with my plan, all the way through it seems.  i didn't get to writing because i was in some pain finishing the day, which was not a surprise.  thing is, i'm still in pain today, but i don't feel it was a waste of time.

i'll start with an update.  i went to the ER after counseling yesterday.  it was concerning this pain in my lower left back/left side that's been bugging me for the past week.  i'd gone to my doctor's office Wednesday, but they didn't know what it was.  i've been taking the Cipro on the chance that it could be an infection, but it hasn't cleared up anything at this point.  although, at the emergency room they didn't find any kind of infection in my urine or bloodwork, but that could or could not be because of the antibiotic.  regardless, i went to the ER as i said i would.  i wasn't there terribly long, and i'd gathered my things in case i would have to stay, on the chance that it could be a pancreatitis or a gall bladder issue, or any number of things, gall stones, kidney stones, etc.  instead, they said, they THOUGHT, it could have been because i've been exercise/dancing lately and may be straining muscles.  like, really?  i'm not doing Tae-Bo.  I am not doing Insanity or Crossfit or any of the other suicidal missions to get ripped and fight off death.  i am dancing for fifteen, twenty minutes a set.  i am moving my body.  i guess, after months of resumed inactivity, it is possible that the strain has me in continuous pain, but i am dubious. still, i refused the heavy duty pain meds, concluding that if this is just muscle pain, i will deal with it and continue on. 

that was yesterday.  the pain woke me again at 2am.  i was up for a couple hours, and then laid on my back after taking 2 Tylenol and got a couple more hours of sleep.  i was up and moving after that, prayers and readings and meds and breakfast.  i didn't have any huge plans, but i wanted to get some recording done, some writing.  i did get a chapter finished, but the pain continued on despite more Tylenol.  i decided after a point i was going to venture out, so i got the chicken-spinach alfredo together and went to my parent's house.  i gave them the food so they'd have something for dinner, and i got some things my aunt gathered from her work visit to the food pantry.  i then went to the stores, got some needed supplies and a few wanted things, and i went to Lonnie's house to see his grandson.  i ate some lunch over there, stopped at one more store then came back home.  i've not done much since being home, and i'm okay with that, as the pain has dulled but not departed.  my plan now is to record some background, write a bit more, watch some television, try a different medicine combination and try to get some sleep.  i'm getting over this flu/cold finally, and i'm not planning on doing any nighttime flu meds tonight.  i'm just going to keep moving in the direction i'm heading in, and if it's not abated by Monday, i'm going to call my family doctor and see if i can get something further referred out, because i'm not comfortable with an unknown pain gnawing at my guts.  anyway, it was a good day anyway,and that's the best kind of thing, when a day could suck but it still turns out to be productive and satisfying.  i had a sandwich for dinner, drank a cup of hot chocolate, i'm probably going to skip the dancing i'm trying hard to do tonight and just get it in in the morning.  i thank my Father for this day, and i am convinced things are starting to get better.  my dreams are not remembered, but they are eventful and thought-evoking.  i feel the winds starting to shift, even if it's just in my dreams, but i can still feel the breeze on my face when i awaken.  not bad, eh?

Regardless...

this journey has been ever so eventful this year.  twists and turns that i could not have envisioned at my most creative, and that is what life should be.  i'm not saying i enjoyed a whole lot of it; that would be the basest of lies.  no, i have likely been as traumatized as i've ever been before in my life.  but life goes on, as John Mellencamp pointed out.  long after the thrill of living is gone, life goes on.  and sometimes, a few thrills linger that one overlooks just because they get mired in the bullshit. 

so, this is Friday the 8th of December.  I'm writing this now because i could end up inconvenienced for some days to come.  i have a few errands to tend to today, and then i'm' going to the emergency room.  this pain is not abating, despite the antibiotics, and i didn't believe it would, but it was worth a shot.  still, i've gotten up, got a decent night's sleep, did my dancing, had my coffee and water and medicines and scripture and reading, and am about to shower and shave and dress and get my ass in gear for the day.  i don't feel bad, i just don't know what the fuck is going on.  and perhaps it is as simple as a kidney stone that is fucking me up.  i don't know.  i hope it's no more complicated than that.  but i know in late October i got CT scan and sonogram stuff done and they didn't find anything. doesn't matter.  i'm going to get checked out. 

i'm going to counseling.  i'm going to check on my parents.  i'm gathering up a bag in case they keep me, it will be in my car.  i'm just getting shit together, because i don't want to be caught off-guard.  and if they can diagnose and fix it, i'm cool with that too. either way.

i am grateful, though.  the year has touched me, and not in the best of ways.  but because i've survived it, i know i'm strong enough to survive a year like this.  and there's so much work to do, and so much ahead of me, that i'm just looking forward to the next day, if i get through this one. 

Happy 37th Anniversary to my counselor and her husband, and I hope for at least 37 more for them both. 

Thank you, Father, for your kindness and love today.  time to fly.

side effects and forward momentum

it has been a day.  so far, it has been a day, and it's a good day.  and i'm grateful, and i feel blessed.

its been a day because it's still the ride, up and down, and it seems to have no discernible stopping point.  but i got some things done today, and i feel good about them, and for that i am truly grateful.

when i got up this morning, it was another instance of the pain in my side waking me from sleep.  so, two-thirty or so is not a good time for self-analysis, even if you may once have been accustomed to that action at that time.  not with a pain flare up.  eventually, i found a position on my back that got me under for a little longer.  i didn't do the double meds last night, nor will i tonight, because i'm not going to drug myself past pain to get to sleep.  that is a very slippery slope, and it doesn't lead anywhere good.  (at the moment, the pain is abated enough that i'm laying on my stomach typing this, but that likely won't last long) 

it hurt so much when i was finally up that my prayer was very brief, just turning it over and saying thank you and forgive me.  but i did get upstairs, got my dancing in, got some writing done, changed my resume, laid the vocal for my song, i got my home straightened up, washed and dried a load of clothes and i spoke to the family.  i had breakfast, lunch and dinner.  i watched some television.  i read my scripture and my daily meditation on the phone.  i asked Syd to look into some online colleges for me, trying to include her in my processes.  i considered a shower today, grooming for tomorrow and doing some more recording, but i have a tendency, when i get a respite from discomfort and pain, to overdo it trying to compensate for my downtime.  today, i just chilled.  and i feel better for doing so. 

i've just turned my furnace up 2 degrees, from 75 to 77.  the world outside is covered with snow right now.  i've got another antibiotic to take and i'm going to take one flu med, cause i'm still catching some hell.  but i am going to do what i am able to do tomorrow to stay in the mix.  and i am going to thank my Father right now, for even the briefest cessation in pain.  it makes a difference. 

within despair, hope

this was an emotional day for me, this journey was trying.  maybe it's just the season, maybe it's just the laundry list of things that continue to occur, as life does without any consent or permission granted or needed.  i don't know.  i guess i'm just getting older and it's getting to me now. 

i woke from the pain in my side, early, but not wanting to move.  i was tired, as i had taken a very strong dose of nighttime cold and flu medicine in order to sleep through the pain, which is not a good thing to start with.  to wake early from that was to wake  groggy and disjointed.  i laid around, trying to talk myself out of the doctor visit.  i knew nothing would come from it.  people are insistent that when something twinges or twitches, you should flee to the nearest physician, but it doesn't work that way.  it never really has.  doctors guess, or deduce i suppose if you're an educated physician, on the basis of experience and symptom.  given enough time and enough occurrences, you too can hypothesize as to the nature of your ailment.  but, since they made me a next-day appointment and i did not want to seem ungrateful, i agreed to go.  and, they had no idea what the problem was.  AND, they suggested i can go to the ER if i need some immediate answers.  which is what i said i'd do after i finished my 'have to do' things today.  but, listening to people...

anyway, that was a drive to warren at 8 in the morning.  then i got gas, went to my parent's house and made my mom some breakfast.  i did get money out of the bank to put in my other account to pay for my end of life arrangements. so that was constructive.  then i went to my meeting. 

the meeting was small, but it runs long every week.  i was snotty and blowing my nose, and so i sat apart from everyone else and did the secretary books.  i left the meeting and went to put the money in the account it needed to go to, went to Sparkle and got more pop and a dessert and i went home.  i made a hamburger as i worked on the additives for my dinner chili.  after i ate and got my chili in the crock pot, i pretty much watched movies until it was time to eat, and then i watched "300" til a little while ago. 

as i was leaving the meeting i got an email from Enterprise. i'd put in an application with them for a work from home rental agent, and they turned me down.  that made me feel pretty bad.  nothing seems to be panning out.  but i talked to Lonnie and he suggested some really good changes to my resume and cover letter that i'm sure will help. 

should i be blessed with life tomorrow, i'm going to work on some changes right here.  work on my resume, work on my cover letter, get some cleaning done, take some me time.  i'm going to write and dance and relax as much as i can.  i'm not going to just surrender because things keep happening, nor am i going to be foolish enough to challenge the negative energy/demons/whatever you want to call it, to put my very finite self in opposition to it. God is doing for me what i cannot do for myself and i'm getting to the point of doing more for myself as i learn and grow.  so i'm not going to get stupid needlessly. 

i am grateful for the lessons today, Jehovah.