end with the gratitude that i feel for the people in my life, the ones in the middle of my madness as well as those on the perimeter who have not gone so far that they can't reach in when they choose to. i have to learn how to be grateful even when i'm not. i have to learn to be thankful for all of the provisions from God, because what seems bad to my sense of want may be great in a picture so large i can't even see the signature. and i have to grow up enough to remember that.
today was a day of thinking. i woke up thinking. i said my prayers this morning thinking. i was thinking about getting rid of my Sunday meeting, about what it means when you adjust to the absence of souls and spirits in your world. what it means when you know you've opened your mouth and said something that you truly wish you could erase...and how many times your mouth has done that, and how not once have you been able to manifest an eraser to remove those moments.
it has to mean something.
so i had breakfast, oatmeal and 2 boiled eggs. i went to the second floor and put in one application. i had plans for the day, and i wanted to face it without fear, without hesitation. i dressed and put clothes away, i made my way to counseling. i stopped at a store first, as i still need a chess set, but i didn't find one that i could use as i wanted to. it's okay, life goes on.
counseling was sad today. i made my counselor upset as i asked for a physical response that would have, in my estimation, balanced the book between us again. i am so stupid, i have to stop talking before my brain engages fully. i guess perhaps i'm still compromised, it being November and all. but i'm still moving, the depression hasn't laid me out yet. and my counselor, VF, my benefactor and my safe haven for the past decade, gave me a bag of coffee for my anniversary. she never forgets, and how can you ever be grateful enough for that? i don't think you can.
i went to the store and got greens after that, and i went to my parent's house. things are going on, and i am concerned. they had no trash bags. not one. they also had very little food. i mean the staples, like lunch meat and butter and stuff. i looked several times before i decided to make them a roast beef hash and eggs for their brunch. which told me they'd been eating off the roast i made on Monday all week, pretty much. and no trash bags. i took the trash out anyway, as it was full to running over, i washed dishes after i fixed their food and i made my way home, stopping at the BK for lunch. i didn't do much else with the evening, nothing in fact. tomorrow i go get more greens and some other accouterments, and i start cleaning greens and getting them ready for the cooking. maybe Syd will make it Sunday, maybe she won't, but i'm going to start cooking on Sunday regardless.
thing is, the picture of Howlin' Wolf. I didn't grow up on the blues, but i did. i grew up on mostly doo-wop, my dad's music. but my mom's dad and HIS dad used to sit on the porch down in the Monkey's Nest, the area of Youngstown where they relegated their black citizens to, that is now torn down and owned by YSU, they'd sit out and play some of that old country blues, and we grandkids would sit on the porch and listen to them. so i had the seed in my soul and it has grown. i love some good blues now, and i try from time to time to write poetry that is blues inflected. but Wolf. first of all, that's my spirit. second, he was a guy who did it his way, who did it without expecting anyone to help him, sad and scared most of his childhood, and just strong enough and blessed enough to keep it moving anyway. he left a mark on the world, but in the end, his mother couldn't ever give him the love he needed, and he died without her blessing, or her heart for that matter.
I am a writer. i'm a poet. i'm a facilitator and a composer. have some singer in me. i am a person who loves to create. i have done a lot of this life the way i wanted to, which is to say, i've made choices and tried to live by them, owning the consequences and not laying a lot of blame on anyone else when things go wrong, even sharing a lot of the bounties when things go right. but i tend to wander. i tend to forget. i don't ever have to try to explain God's will to anyone else. i don't have to do anything but stay obedient and shut the fuck up with my whining. and when i do that, i often find that i've got everything i need at any given time. and that's a good feeling.
i have a bed, a comforter and pillows. it's warm enough in here. my belly, gassy as it is, is full of chili for the second day. i have running water, electricity which allows me to log this day of the Journey, and gas to cook and heat with. my mind works, nothing is hurting particularly bad today, and i fed my parents, saw my counselor and talked to my friend and my daughter. what could be better than that? and if i lose sight of that, then i lose sight of everything. and that is when the blessing becomes forfeit, it seems to me.
i am going to work on seeing what i have, using what i've got and doing what i can, because that is what i have in front of me at any given time. and i thank Jehovah for reminding me that pride can often look like humility when my mind gets too full of itself.
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