ramblins

it'd be easier to just give up.  i have to admit that.  in the admission, there is no give.  there is no surrender in saying that it would be easier.  there is just truth.  at times, i don't know why i'm doing any of this anymore.  coming upstairs, putting down vocals, putting in applications.  it seems that i have reached a point in my life of just being stuck.  yet, i don't know what else to do.  i wasn't raised to give in, but i taught myself through the years.  suicide was never not an option.  it was just never seen as 'the solution'.  it is, as it always was, seen as the MacGuffin of life, more or less, the 'god in the machine' answer when nothing seems to have a summary that works.  but i don't want that now.  i want something to work.  i want things to get better.  i'm willing to put in the effort, but i need to know something is coming.  i don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me, and that's what's important, i'm thinking.

last night sleep  was miserable due to this gout/neuropathy flareup.  nothing is really helping, but i took something a bit more high octane today and i'm hoping i can get my chores done if nothing else.  i'm flailing though.  i hobbled to the bathroom this morning, hobbled through the kitchen, made the simplest of breakfasts, two boiled eggs and some instant oatmeal.  i did say my prayer, but it was so diffuse and scattered it was more the acknowledgement that was from the heart, because i can't even remember it now.  my dad called and asked me about calling a treatment center to see about work, but i'm not going down those roads again.  no fake treatment centers, no more walking jobs, no more physical labor.  i can do this:  i can work on my computer.  i am pretty good at data entry.  i type well enough (blogging aside; i don't bother with proper grammatical structure for my thoughts, cause that's not how they sit in my head, in case anyone wondered).  i can read, proofread, i can edit.  i can deal with customers.  willing to get a landline phone if need be.  but i'm not going to keep walking on this pained foot or ankle or leg just for money that is all temporary anyway. and, truth is, if i make it for just five more months, it eases up significantly.  but next month is going to be tight, and april is new license as well as tags for the car.  so knowing those things, i keep searching.  but not for a treatment center to work in.  and they like women for those positions still; a fat black man with no teeth and a lack of smiling capacity is not really the first face one wants seen for their corporation.  i can't blame them for that, either.

i'm going to get my trash out to the curb today.  i'm going to call my mother shortly.  i'm going to shave and groom, shower this afternoon, get myself together to minimize my morning activities tomorrow.  i have my meeting tomorrow if they've finished the floor at the fellowship hall, so i want to be ready, or able anyway, to take care of business there.  and i don't really have much else i have to get done today.  try these vocals again later.  maybe do some composing, see what else i can do.  but, an easier day of nursing this pain, while i hate the sound of it, is not the worst thing in the world.  the guy with no leg wishes he had my pain if it meant he had the leg to hurt.  perspective is still paramount.

thank you, Jehovah, because this pain is not killing me, and i am getting stronger by dealing  with it.