Early to Rise

trying to get this done early, as i am upstairs on the desktop and my right ankle is throbbing, but i'm not going to let up on it because i need to get shit done today.  or i need to at least get shit started today, such as it is. 

i slept not long, but i was in bed all day yesterday and i'm sure that had something to do with it.  i didn't drift under til after 3 in the morning, and i have been up since about 630 or so, though i didn't get out of bed til after seven.  i said a prayer, haven't gotten to my meds yet, but' i'm going to.  haven't read my meditation books yet, but i'm going to.  i just have to get some things done, and i'm in slow motion going about it.  only way. 

when i woke up, my ankles were still hurting, but that's not as bad as it could be.  there are people with gout and neuropathy who cannot walk at all, who are so swollen with the uric acid their feet are actually misshapen..  i think that's the fear sometimes, or a big part of it.  sickness, weakness, i've had degrees of them at one time or another throughout my life.  i think most of us do.  but knowing helplessness is coming in an increasingly dysfunctional and apathetic world...that scares the shit out of me.  its the thing i don't want to have to deal with. 

i'm going to get started again today.  i mean, i'm going to get back to working on me.  but i'm going to take it at the pace i'm able to.  i'm not going to bust my ass, but i'm going to work my brain.  i'm going to set an agenda for 2018, one that i will share here but i won't be talking about nor will i share it in person.  sharing it here is keeping myself honest.  sharing it other places is self-sabotage by my track record.  and it's time to change that record.  i also have to start looking at what i need to get back into school, and what i need to get funded for that.  it will likely have to be on-line school, so i have to find one that's going to get me what i need in the time i need to get it. 

i've got to start looking at this world as an opportunity rather than an obstacle, or i'm going to bury myself in this house.  it was never intended as the place i go to ground in; my grandparents LIVED here.  i feel an energy i can't relate to and i've called it ghosts, but it's the exact opposite, likely.  its the life that they seeded this place with.  and i have to tap into that.  i'm better than the bulllshit ive allowed for myself.  i believe that this morning. 

i thank Jehovah for this day and all that it contains, and it's time to get back to being in motion.