Continuity

...you go back far enough, you see things in the clarity of hindsight with some honesty poured all over those memories, and you start to get a clearer picture of how you ended up where you are.  that's not always a bad thing, either.  i think as humans we tend to take reflection and introspection as something of a penance, rather than lessons in mapmaking accuracy.  can't know where i'm going if i can't remember what road i'm on, can i?  and i hate surprises that can be avoided.  i really do.  so i keep looking, and keep remembering.  and in the fullness of its own time, things change, because that is the one constant in the entire universe. 

so, today i shopped.  i got more stuff that i need for my part of the dinner on thursday approaching.  i got things also that i need for the video i've been waiting the past four months to be ready to shoot.  it makes me kind of sad, going through the old pictures, remembering when i was happy, even if it wasn't the happiness i thought it was.  it's not bad now.  I still miss Rachel a lot, and i am still not real cool with the notion of getting used to being alone.  but it is better than staring endlessly into the abyss and wishing for the courage to jump.  i mean, it's Saturday night now.  earlier, i watched the rest of the movie that cut off on me yesterday, and i watched an old Gamera movie.  i enjoyed them both.  but it would have been nice to have had company for that.  but wishing is just another way of being ungrateful.  i had movies to watch.  i had money to get the things i needed.  i was blessed by a friend with money yesterday, with coffee from another friend.  i have the things i need for this video shoot.  do i anticipate wealth and prosperity from a home recorded song?  no.  do i expect to make something that will be product for future sales of my works?  yes, and then some.  and more to the point; i expect closure. 

again, it's not so bad right now.  i am working on my sweet potatoes for my pie.  i have greens to finish cleaning so i can get them on in the morning.  i have shot some footage in my kitchen with some pieces that i need for the video.  i've just finished the editing on some photos.  i put in an application earlier and i'm about to investigate one that i should have been contacted about before now.  the day is full, and i am not complaining at all. but at the same time, if i deny that i feel what i feel, i'm sowing crops with weed spoor, to choke off the good vegetation at the next harvest. 

I saw AG today, haven't seen her in a minute.  not many words exchanged, but it was nice to see someone happy to see me.  i found an integral prop that i need for tomorrow, a chess board, and i also figured a way around the phones that i need.  so, things come together, just like sometimes things fall apart.  Yeats forgot to mention that part. 

i've eaten today, i'm about to shave my face and head, and i'm going to take a shower tonight.  i'm going to go to the meeting if for no other reason than to drop off this shit, and i'm going to keep it rolling.  but again, let me not lose sight of the lesson learned over the past week.  i am created, and i am loved as a child by my Father.  i am blessed, and my job is to share those blessings as best i can with those who need them.  and that is what makes this life worth living.